I have been with my boyfriend for 3-4 months now, and everything is great with us, besides the fact that he is separated from his wife(sort of for me) and he has two kids(one two year old one 6 month old) He has been in the relationship with her for almost 10 years, and the last two years of it... didnt really ever sleep in the same room with her and fell out of love with her, they don't get along well and their personalities clash. Each weekend he goes to her place (because he doesn't have his own place yet) to see the kids, some weekends they get in fights or get emotional. Also he is always doing stuff for her or giving into her demands(she has always been the one who wore the pants in the relationship, controlled him, made him the way he is today). That usually starts a fight each weekend with us.I hate the fact that he gives into her and doesn't stand up for himself. And who knows what BS he is blowing up her . I know it seems bad but besides his baggage he is a great guy. Everything about us works and clicks. I know that the ex wife with always be in his life, but he won't be kissing her much longer either (crosses fingers).
I feel like since being in this relationship my flaws and insecurities have shown through. I know the things that are wrong with me now, and for some reason I don't know how to fix them. Doesn't matter what advice I read... nothing changes.
+ I try and control most situations(not control the person)
+ I don't trust easily(I always have that thought in the back of my mind that he is doing wrong, I haven't been cheated on in the past that I know of, but he has told me he has cheated before and says he was unhappy when he did it)
+ I am the type of person if I don't get what I want I start a fight or freak out about it.
+ I feel like if he isn't working or with me, he is doing wrong or lying to me.
I don't believe all of this is just with him, I think I would and have been this way with other guys also. When he is gone each weekend Im so unhappy. I try and go out with friends and have a good time, but I can't get him off my mind. What he is doing etc. I don't think he would ruin what we have to get with his nasty ex. But then again how do I really know what's going on there. During the week when I am with him the majority of the time , I'm so happy and glad we can get through this together, he says I am his rock. I am just so confused on what to do. Please help:(

BIG RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE.they hardly slept in the same room yet there is a six moth old baby?He cheated before but felt bad about it? They re still married and he s cheating again.As for her having made him into who is-noone make us anything-we are all responsible for who we are and become.and every weekend he goes home and plays happy families?Leave this relationship asap it's a deadend street to nowhere.

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He has been in the relationship with her for almost 10 years, and the last two years of it...didnt really ever sleep in the same room with her and fell out of love with her

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Then who's the father of the 6 month old baby?

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he is a great guy

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And

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but he has told me he has cheated before and says he was unhappy when he did it

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Doesn't measure up. If he's such a great guy then why can't he keep it in his pants?

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I don't think he would ruin what we have to get with his nasty ex.

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She wasn't so nasty when they were together, made to children together.

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he says I am his rock

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Rocks can be thrown away. Once he gets his life settled he won't need his "rock" anymore. Right now he's just afraid to be alone, your provide company, sex, a place to sleep, of course you're his rock.

The choice is yours but I see this as a dead end. You say you're unhappy when he's not with you, that you can't enjoy yourself unless he's around. That kind of obsession will destroy what you think you have, which isn't much to begin with.

You're the rebound, that's all. Save yourself and walk away. If he comes back after he's divorced and able to stand on his own two feet, then maybe consider a relationship, but right now you're just being used.

That's my opinion, based on what you told us.

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Originally Posted by amicon

BIG RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE.they hardly slept in the same room yet there is a six moth old baby?He cheated before but felt bad about it? they re still married and he s cheating again.As for her having made him into who is-noone make us anything-we are all responsible for who we are and become.and every weekend he goes home and plays happy families?Leave this relationship asap its a deadend street to nowhere.

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That was funny to me, they aren't sleeping in the same room... then viola! Pregnancy... just like my Mommy told me it happened.

I don't understand, does he still kiss his wife??
He spends weekends there?
Why not pick up the children and take them out, even if he doesn't have a home?

I know it sounds bad, he is the father, they have had sex a few times in the past few years. But for the most part they had no sex going on, hense I guess cheating on her before they got married... and then you ask.. why would he marry her? Low confidence, didn't think he could get any better... also... he lives 2 hours away from where they live... he has a full time job here... so he has no where to stay besides there.. I know I hate it.. and he does too.. so he says... I trust him for the most part, but of course not fully... I def don't think I'm the rebound... he has delt with too much of my for any guy to put up with I think if I was just someone to screw... maybe I'm just blind.

I vote for BLIND...
But you wouldn't be the first or the last.
I think you are delaying an inevitable hurt.

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Originally Posted by caligirl001

I know it sounds bad, he is the father, they have had sex a few times in the past few years. But for the most part they had no sex going on, hense I guess cheating on her before they got married... and then you ask.. why would he marry her? Low confidence, didn't think he could get any better... also... he lives 2 hours away from where they live... he has a full time job here... so he has no where to stay besides there.. I know I hate it.. and he does too.. so he says... I trust him for the most part, but of course not fully... I def don't think I'm the rebound... he has delt with too much of my for any guy to put up with I think if I was just someone to screw... maybe I'm just blind.

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I'd say you're blind.

It's often harder to see something when you're living it.

You make it sound like he was forced to marry her, that he didn't really have a choice, oh poor baby, he didn't want to, but he did.

He married her and fathered two children with her. He was with her for 10 years.

What you have to realize is that it takes two to make a marriage work, but it also takes two to make it fail. He doesn't seem to be owning up to his part in this, that's a huge red flag.

It's up to you, stay, go, whatever. The most telling thing you've said is this;

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I trust him for the most part, but of course not fully.

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No trust, no relationship.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

He married her and fathered two children with her. He was with her for 10 years.

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This is your honeymoon stage with this man and it's drama overload, imagine what he will treat you like after 10 years of being with you!

A marriage is a commitment and work and he stopped working, but when the relationship started to fail they brought two children into the mix. It's a shame that your boyfriend was that selfish and naïve. That is what you get to look forward to.

I think you are already being played.

I agree with most of the stuff you guys are saying, believe me. I am just scared to think, what if what everyone sees in this situation isn't right, what if he does really love me and its different... what if I walk away from something that could or could have been great, because I'm living in fear? Not all relationships work.. doesnt mean you are a bad person for it. You can't make yourself love another. And if you can.. its not true IN love. He loves her because he has two wonderful children with her. Of course he wishes he could take back three years and just have left if he knew it was coming to this. Your right it does take two people to make a relationship work and that wasn't the case on either parts.

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Originally Posted by caligirl001

I agree with most of the stuff you guys are saying, believe me. I am just scared to think, what if what everyone sees in this situation isnt right, what if he does really love me and its different...what if i walk away from something that could or could have been great, because im living in fear? not all relationships work..doesnt mean you are a bad person for it. you can't make yourself love another. and if you can..its not true IN love. He loves her because he has two wonderful children with her. Of course he wishes he could take back three years and just have left if he knew it was coming to this. your right it does take two people to make a relationship work and that wasnt the case on either parts.

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Here's my concern.

You are starting a relationship with this man while he still has so much baggage to deal with. That's why I think it's a rebound.

If this relationship has a chance of working then you need to step back, take it slow, let him get divorced, let him figure out where he's going from here.

If it's meant to be then your feelings will still be the same 6 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now.

You're rushing into this. He's jumping from the frying pan into the fire, sadly, I think you're the one that will get burnt.

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Originally Posted by caligirl001

I agree with most of the stuff you guys are saying, believe me. I am just scared to think, what if what everyone sees in this situation isnt right, what if he does really love me and its different...what if i walk away from something that could or could have been great, because im living in fear? not all relationships work..doesnt mean you are a bad person for it. you can't make yourself love another. and if you can..its not true IN love. He loves her because he has two wonderful children with her. Of course he wishes he could take back three years and just have left if he knew it was coming to this. your right it does take two people to make a relationship work and that wasnt the case on either parts.

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Girl, make room on the make-believe boat, I need room for a seat.

Are you sure you are not living in fear of being alone? Maybe it's your fear that you won't find someone new? I agree with the others. There are so many red flags here. It just seems you are doing yourself a disservice to settle for this.

You shouldn't have to as you put it live in fear.you deserve much more than this.we all agree here because this is a classic.and I think you know this.how would you feel if baby number three were to announce its arrival?you should leave him.

I'm OK with being single... I was for over two years when me and my ex broke up... I told myself I would never be in a relationship with a man who has kids because kids equal crazy ex gf/wife. Everyone gets lonely, its only natural. I think I'm going to give it a couple more weeks... if nothing has improved... then ill kick it to the curb... easier said than done. It sucks because I can't give the whole story, everyone only hears parts of it, so its always bad. I wonder if everyone knew what I knew, if it would just be my insecurities.

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Originally Posted by caligirl001

im ok with being single...i was for over two years when me and my ex broke up...i told myself i would never be in a relationship with a man who has kids because kids equal crazy ex gf/wife. everyone gets lonely, its only natural. I think im going to give it a couple more weeks...if nothing has improved...then ill kick it to the curb...easier said than done. It sucks because I can't give the whole story, everyone only hears parts of it, so its always bad. I wonder if everyone knew what i knew, if it would just be my insecurities.

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I have one final question.

Why did you ask for advice?

My experience on this site is that people ask for advice on relationships for 2 different reasons.

1. To confirm what they already know.

2. In hopes that someone will tell them what to do.

Which one are you?

I'm thinking you already know that answer, you just aren't ready to accept it.

Very true.

You don't have a relationship, just a situation you need out of, so you can see reality, This guy has to unpack his baggage, and heal, and get his act together (divorce) before he is relationship material.

I would be full of insecurities too, with someone like him as a partner.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...st-395129.html

You have your hands full unpacking your own baggage

Have you ever considered that if you were to hear her side of the story ,you would hear something totally different?

Clearly,he is not an honest man and dishonest people will lie and say anything to get what they want.

Also.a man who leaves his wife with two kids under the age of three is a real piece of work.

What does that say about his morality as a human being?

If they are still having emotional scenes it is because they have not
Made peace with their situation.

If they had,they would spend the week ends in quiet indifference.
They are still emotionally involved.

I have never seen a relationship that begins in deceit ever prosper into anything lasting and healthy.

I am sure there is more to the story and I would love to hear her side.
Naturally,he is going to tell you that she is a nasty person who dominates him ,etc.etc.

She may be a very loving loving wife and mother and he is just a guy who can't keep it zipped!

If they are getting a divorce than she should have no qualms knowing of your existence.Or are you a good kept secret?
Don't let your emotions and this mans manipulation blind you to the reality of your situation.

You ask what if this is really the one true love?

He is a liar and a cheater and he left a woman with two kids.Is that the kind of man you want for the long term?

You may be in her boat someday so you need to listen to what others have said.

I know the feeling though. To think that no one truly understands unless they are in your shoes. However, there is not one positive answer here. You think someone would have posted something positive had there been any glimmer of hope. I also feel that no matter what anyone says, you will leave when you are ready to and no sooner. Point being... use protection. Double protection. Hell, tripple with this situation. I would like to say point blank, he is playing you for a fool and your letting him.