I was married for 26 years and abused phtsically and emotionally. I have been dating a great guy. He says I need to voice my opinion more, tell him what I want and be more assertive. I know he is trying to help and he is trying to understand. He says to be myself-which I have been more so around him. I want to have more self esteem and confidence and be more assertive. I am trying and he said he likes a woman whom is more assertive and says what she wants. I have a few times when he has aked me what I want to do-said so. But I want to be more so. How can I be? I am trying hard to be assertive. I can finally be myself with him and I feel great there. Is there an overnite fix for not being assertive and too passive. I want to be more so with him. And he said in a relationship its 50/50 and its saying and giving our opinions and what we want. Please help me!!

I afraid there is no over fix here.. you seem to be doing well,building self esteem and confidence takes time..

Here are some suggestions that you may find helpful.

1. write down all of your good points.. everything,include even the small things.example you like the colour of your eyes. Work on this list,add to it.

2.take up a hobbie or an interest.
Being good at something will boost your confidence,there are many hobbies out there,try something new,be a little bit brave and do something you have always liked to try.

3.exercise.. this may seem out of context for building confidence,but feeling healthy and sleeping well will help promote an over feeling of well being.

4. take notice of beautiful things.. looking at things,example a beautiful sky or stars or even a child playing can release those happy hormone,and its also something you can share.

5. read the paper,listen to current events,if current topics come up in conversation you will have the confidence to join in,or perhaps ask someone what they think.

6.smile at people.

7.if your boyfriend asks you 'would you like to go to a movie' say the movie you want to go to.. its always good to compromise but its also good to say want you want too.. you could always take turns.

8. use a mantra .example.. I am a wonderful person,I deserve respect and love,I WILL be more confident.

9. you have survived a bad rerlationship,you are free from that situation now,look to your future,and know now that you are in a position to help others.

10. Know that no one is perfect,forgive yourself when you make a mistake,and finally.. love yourself.

Even though it's not good for someone to ask you to change, it is good that he values your opinion, and knows that a relationship is half and half.

I never really had a problem being assertive, I guess it came naturally.

Just speak up. Let him know what you think about things. Are you shy in bed? Next time you have sex( I'm assuming that is has gone that far), take control of the "situation". They have books on assertiveness, maybe you should try one. You want to be assertive over night, I don't think that's possible. It's taken you your whole life to be the way you are, so... I wish you the best.

http://www.helpself.com/directory/assertiveness.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-.../dp/1572242094
http://books.google.com/books?id=u9n...age&q=&f=false

Thanks so much for your input. Its great that the guy I am with wants me to speak up and wants my opinion, but its hard to give it. I guess I just need to speaak up more. I guess I need more confidence and self esteem as I assume it all goes toether. Well thanks I know I have come a long way from where I was. I just hope I get more assertive with him and everyone else. Thanks again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by packer04

Thanks so much for your input. Its great that the guy I am with wants me to speak up and wants my opinion, but its hard to give it. I guess I just need to speaak up more. I guess I need more confidence and self esteem as I assume it all goes toether. Well thanks I know I have come a long way from where I was. I just hope I get more assertive with him and everyone else. Thanks again.

---

It'll take some time. But it's good that you know that you need to be more assertive. Some people take advantage of those who don't speak up. There's no need to be embarrassed about asking for what you want or need. We're not talking about public speaking. Day to day life will present challenges that require a certain amount of assertive behavior. You will gradually get better. Good luck to you.