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-   -   What to do after 3.5 yrs (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=301564)

  • Jan 9, 2009, 10:00 PM
    wanting baby
    What to do after 3.5 yrs
    Hi I am 28 yrs of age and have been dating a 42 yr old man for 3.5 yrs now. I just met his parents this spring. He does not live with me, I have 4 kids with my ex husband and this guy has none. He's never been married and he still lives at home with mom and dad. He works a lot job and a half. I love him very much he is a great man, very kind selfless and caring. He loves my kids. Would do anything for us. But he doesn't like to talk about getting married or someday having a baby together. I want to marry him, I asked him 9 months into the relationship I bought the ring and proposed.. he turned me down. I can understand now because it was too soon but what about now its been so long. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to lose him but I have a goal for my life and I know where I want to go with my life and if he's not willing to be on the same page as me what do I do? I wrote to Miss Lonely hearts a yr ago and she thought that he was cheating on me which isn't the case. He has not time to cheat. He is a very personal man he doesn't go around talking about us at all or our problems. I have been telling him that I want to be engaged by the 4 yr mark was I wrong to do that? Please help me figure out what to do.
  • Jan 9, 2009, 10:08 PM
    Starbucks21

    Well maybe you need to sit down and have a nice open talk about your goals.

    If he doesn't share the same goals or values as you then I hate to say it but maybe you should find someone who does. Unless you like his goals of course.

    I don't mean a ultimatum. I just mean a friendly talk about life.
  • Jan 9, 2009, 10:16 PM
    wanting baby
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Starbucks21 View Post
    Well maybe you need to sit down and have a nice open talk about your goals.

    If he doesn't share the same goals or values as you then I hate to say it but maybe you should find someone who does. Unless you like his goals of course.

    I don't mean a ultimatum. I just mean a friendly talk about life.
    I have tried asking him and talking to him about what I want and his reply is "do we have to talk about this tonight or its all about you?"
  • Jan 9, 2009, 10:33 PM
    Starbucks21
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wanting baby View Post
    I have tried asking him and talking to him about what I want and his reply is "do we have to talk about this tonight or its all about you?"
    Well if you two can't talk about each others goals... and quite frankly you don't sound to happy...

    Are you sure you want to be with him?

    I think the major issue of the relationship is the communication's a little rotten and neither of you have the same goals
  • Jan 9, 2009, 10:43 PM
    wanting baby
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Starbucks21 View Post
    Well if you two can't talk about each others goals... and quite frankly you don't sound to happy...

    Are you sure you want to be with him?

    I think the major issue of the relationship is the communication's a little rotten and neither of you have the same goals
    Your right Im not happy but if he would only realize that Im not asking the world of him. I think he is afraid of comittment. He has been living with his parents his whole life and has had no one but himself to worry about. He is very independent and stuck in his own ways. Any way to work around this?
  • Jan 9, 2009, 11:09 PM
    Starbucks21
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by wanting baby View Post
    Your right Im not happy but if he would only realize that Im not asking the world of him. I think he is afraid of comittment. He has been living with his parents his whole life and has had no one but himself to worry about. He is very independent and stuck in his own ways. Any way to work around this?
    If you can't talk to him about it and work with him...

    I'm sorry but no.

    It takes two to do these things and you seem to be trying to do it by yourself.
  • Jan 9, 2009, 11:09 PM
    talaniman
    Quote:
    wanting baby, 1475765, Your right I'm not happy but if he would only realize that I'm not asking the world of him
    Sorry to disagree but that's exactly what your asking him. He would have to give up his whole world to give you what you want. He doesn't want to.
    Quote:
    I think he is afraid of commitment.
    That may well be true, but he is committed to himself.
    Quote:
    He has been living with his parents his whole life and has had no one but himself to worry about
    Obviously that's what he wants to do with his life.
    Quote:
    He is very independent and stuck in his own ways. Any way to work around this?
    He is 42 years old, and comfortable with what he is doing. That's to be expected.

    I feel your plight but your goals are not realistic with this fellow, and if its so important to carry out your plan, and your timetable, sorry he ain't the one, nor will he ever be, it seems.

    Your decision to make, as his position is clear and your right you are not on the same page, and you can't get around that without his full co operation.

    You either change your plans, or change your man!

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