Ask Me Help Desk - How do I let go, or should I?

So if you want some background... and thanks to those who have helped me out before... (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-244043.html)
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So my boyfriend moved back to his hometown (3 hours away) about 2 months ago, and we've been trying the long distance thing. We've been having some issues because since he moved away he has been hanging out with his friends a lot, who love to drink. I have always hated the way he treated me when he was drunk, and since he was now drinking so often it became a big deal. He would ignore my phone calls, lie to me about what he was doing or where he was, those sorts of things (keep in mind there was always some excuse like, "I left my phone at home" or "I never had a missed call/text message from you"). After about two straight weeks of this type of behavior, I finally broke down and told him that it was time to choose - me or alcohol. I know that that wasn't fair, but at the time it was the only thing I could think of. Of course, he promised me that he would stop drinking.

After a couple of days of no drinking, he went to his friend's house (down the street) and got really drunk and of course, the same old s*** went down. I was extremely mad and suggested that he take some time to figure out what he wanted. He took about 3 hours, and called me to tell me that he had figured it out. He told me that he wasn't ready to give up alcohol, especially since all of his friends and roommates drink. However, he did want to be with me. He explained that he felt like he acts the way he does when he drinks because he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me (because he knows I get mad). I thought that this was fair enough. I can see how he wouldn't want to call me when he was drunk, he knows that I will just get angry, so he just avoids it. So I told him I would try and change my ways, and not get angry when he drank, that way he would feel more comfortable calling me and wouldn't lie to me, or ignore me like he used to.

I honestly felt like this was progress, since before I would just get irritated when he would tell me he was drinking. However, I did tell him that there was no way for me to comfortable with these changes if he was drinking every day. I am trying to get over the fact that he likes to drink, but I just don't see the point in getting drunk every time one drinks, or drinking every day. He agreed with me, telling me that he wouldn't drink all the time, but if his friends wanted to have some beers, then he would more than likely have some too.

Well for the next three nights, he got drunk. I was just a little irritated since I thought he was going to cut back, but I kept my feelings to myself since I had promised I wouldn't get mad. Then of course, like clockwork, it happens. Last night, he got drunk and started to ignore me again. Don't get me wrong... I don't blow up his phone or anything like that, but I had tried to call him a couple of times, and received no response. He called me today and told me that "he was too drunk and couldn't figure out how to answer his phone." Really? Because he has answered his phone, while drunk, on many occasions.

I finally got fed up. I told him that I wanted some time to think for myself and to figure out what I want. I mean, when we first met I knew that he liked to drink and it wasn't a problem. I honestly can't remember how or when it really became a problem, but I don't want to be stressed out anymore. I am taking 18 hours this semester, and I also work outside of school. I have a lot on my plate and am trying to finish college, and it has me extremely stressed. I don't feel like a relationship should be so much stress and anxiety. It used to be fun, and I used to think that he was the one I would marry, but I'm not so sure anymore. I just don't know what I want to do... I don't know if I should just let him go and live his own life so that he can do what he wants, and I can focus on school... or if I want to try and make this work.. again. It's hard to try and fathom him not being a part of my life anymore, because besides the drinking issues, he is a great boyfriend. I just don't know if I really want to let go and move on... any suggestions?

Sorry for the length, I just felt like ranting I guess...

Sounds to me like the young man either has a drinking problem or he cares more about drinking with his buddies than spending time with you.
You have said you don't like this, so leave him alone. When you're dealing with alcohol, it's IMO a loose/loose situation.
As you have stated, you have a lot on your plate right now. Take care of what you need to do for you. Don't establish a pattern of giving in to and changing your standards for a drunk. You will never win.

This definitely sounds like a slight drinking problem to me! He has made his choice of alcohol over you and showed he does not care about how you feel about the situation, now you must decide what you want to do.

Quote:

I don't know if I should just let him go and live his own life so that he can do what he wants, and I can focus on school... or if I want to try and make this work.. again.

You have answered your own question, as this can never work as long as he is a drunk.

Protect yourself from him dragging you down and stopping you from being happy and having a healthy life.

Not wise to take on his problem as yours, as he is the problem.

There's no point in having values, limits or controlling behaviors in your mind if you won't stand by them in reality. You gave him an ultimatum (you or the alcohol) and he chose... then you stayed around anyway? Not very firm.

The fact that you realize all this drama is unnecessary in your life is good. The fact that if your school/work load was lighter you might put up with it when you SAID it wasn't what you want in your life... that's a concern.

I know you like him. Every guy you ever date you ALREADY like... some you'll like A LOT. That's beside the point.

But the reason you date is to find out if your life is better or worse with him close... and he's doing the same. It doesn't matter how long it takes for the familiarity to set in, once it does you will be able to see who you two really are and make that judgment.

So, now you know. It sounds like you're making the right choice, but I want you to make it for the right reason, too, so you don't talk yourself into putting up with things that will lead to misery in the future. OK?

So I did it... I broke up with him today. I'm so depressed over it, but also somewhat relieved. He didn't try to defend himself, because I guess he knew that he was in the wrong. I just ended it... and he didn't have anything to say.

It's going to take some getting used to, not talking to him anymore. Some words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated...

He needs to go to AA.

Either he cares about his drinking buddies & an alcoholic or he's tired of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hjpan

He needs to go to AA.

Either he cares about his drinking buddies & an alcoholic .

LMFAO! Coming from you hjpan, look at your dp bro, that's classic lmfao

*cracks open beer*

No but on a serious note, to the OP, you can do better then him, plenty of other dudes out there youl find someone better! Goodluck!

This is a sad time for you, but it will get better as you get through this, and see a big 'ole world out there for you to explore, and find better people, places, and things, to do.

I'm proud of you for standing up for something. It's really hard to do that, isn't it? Somehow it feels wrong when we hold others accountable for their choices... I'm glad you've decided to override the discomfort and do good for you.

When it gets hard and you're tempted to do something silly with him again, come back here and let us massage your brain some more... hehe.

http://www.mobile-beauty-therapist.c...eadmassage.jpg

Thank you all so much. I'm sure I'll be back soon for more :)

You have made a very wise decision. This will hurt for a while, but you will fare much better in the long run.
Hang in there young lady.

Not entirely sure hjpan's avatar is his own choice... he's been suspended before and suspected of trolling quite a few times...

I know that has nothing to do with the thread... just throwing that out there...

DJ, He chose the alcohol and friends long ago BUT I see he wants you too and made promises he knew he couldn't or wouldn't keep.
MOVE on and find a new guy in time. Give yourself time to be just you, ask yourself those all important questions on what's important to you in a relationship? Make that list today.
It's an old book now... but He's Just Not that Into You would be good to read... and go to Amazon.com for other used books on ending relationships and moving on... they'll also help you.

... to add to AskJenny, this guy has a drinking problem. Alcohol is his buddy and girl friend right now. You can't win.
Stay fixed on your decision, move on, you will be fine.
I wish you well.

I will say something on this one... since I have some experience in this area...

He will not change unless he wants to... sometimes it's hard to do this, and I can promise you that it can't always be done over night. But with a good support system, it can be. AA is a joke at times... believe me...

And the last thing I can say is thank God for believers... He has to have someone who will let him know that they believe in him, and believe that he can change... but then again... he has to be willing to listen... it's hard to have an intervention, since all of his friends drink also, but I can tell you that interventions are very good things... sure, it will be hard, but if you love and care about him... or you have the strength to stand beside him... do it... he needs someone like that... of course, I'm speaking from a different perspective since I can't just say "He's a drunk, leave him!" or "He chose the booze over you." This is a VERY SERIOUS addiction... once it has ahold of you, it's just as hard to kick as meth or heroin...

Okay guys.. so we broke up on Monday, and it's now Wednesday. We haven't spoken to each other or tried to contact each other at all. I am just wondering what I should do about his stuff. Some of his things are here at my place and he has some of my things at his place (3 hours away), most importantly he has a key to my place. I don't think he would do anything crazy like drive 3 hours down here and show up one night, but it would make me feel better to have my key back. What should I do? Just change the locks and forget about the other things he has of mine? Or what if he wants his own things back? Obviously I haven't spoken to him, so I have no idea whether he wants his stuff back, but I do have his jacket and it's starting to get cold outside...

I don't want to break NC, but I don't want to put off giving him his things. I would mail them to him, but I don't know his address (I know where he lives, just not the house number) and I would have to talk to him to find that out.

Ahhhh, what should I do??

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guidostern

I will say something on this one...since I have some experience in this area...

He will not change unless he wants to...sometimes it's hard to do this, and I can promise you that it can't always be done over night. But with a good support system, it can be. AA is a joke at times...believe me...

And the last thing I can say is thank God for believers...He has to have someone who will let him know that they believe in him, and believe that he can change...but then again...he has to be willing to listen...it's hard to have an intervention, since all of his friends drink also, but I can tell you that interventions are very good things...sure, it will be hard, but if you love and care about him...or you have the strength to stand beside him...do it...he needs someone like that...of course, I'm speaking from a different perspective since I can't just say "He's a drunk, leave him!" or "He chose the booze over you." This is a VERY SERIOUS addiction...once it has ahold of you, it's just as hard to kick as meth or heroin...

The thing is, I have been standing beside him for almost 2 years. I have tried to get him to go to AA or therapy, or anything else, but he refused to go. I had to give up on him. I do want him to get better, I told him that he was a great person, he just needed to get control over the alcohol. I just couldn't continue to sit by his side while he treated me the way that he did. I would love for him to overcome his obsession with alcohol, but for me, I have tried everything in my power to help him, and he still refused to be helped, so I had to walk away.

You did what you could and you should not sit by his side as he mistreats you. You have to do what is healthy for you.
You have been a friend, you tried to help him see he needed help, so you get out before you are brought down. He is not your responsibility.

Box up his stuff, and put it aside for now. I would change locks, even if you don't feel threatened and see if a friend can be available to pick up you things. If they are replaceable, or of sentimental value, forget them.

Its not healthy, nor being honest with yourself to use objects to make an excuse to contact, or see him.