Hi Mo!
(may I call you "Mo"?)
First, I'd like to stress that I've been through terribly hard times , and I know how you feel. I don't remember when but at a certain point in my life, it struck me, that I don't think I'm that important for God to eye me closely.
I've found out, that whenever I was in a terrible situation I had
nothing to do with, the situation was solved, without me having, again, anything to do with the solution, and against all possible statistical odds!
I'm truly convinced there is something above all, but I see this as a very caring, forgiving, loving, and compassionate "something".
I don't think there is any kind of "accounting" involved.
Just continue being honest and true. With yourself first, and with others.
Try not to judge others, it's not our job.
I'm not saying you do. I'm only speaking in a general way.
Remember: it might not look like it, but others have their problems and hard times, only, we don't know, and when we see them, and we're in a difficult situation, we think we have the worst part. Everyone thinks so! Whenever I'm in a very bad "spot", i like to look at people who seem happy, it makes me feel good, because i see happiness really exists!
I don't have any special prayer, and I don't attend religious services, I just pray from the bottom of my heart, with own words.I can't say it always works, but many times it does! Really!
And when i pray in this way, it
already makes me feel better.
And: if it doesn't happen the way i ask for, i keep in mind that it might not fit into the bigger frame, the one i can't even grasp, after all,
I'm just an ant!
In any case, why should i always have my way.
I don't know if I helped, i really wished to! I don't know what is it th exactly what make you so unhappy, if you think i can help, i'd really like to - you can write here, or send me a PM, or email me :
[email protected]
Another thing, maybe it's not the right time for you, but I must say I often wondered at the name you chose, I understand that's the way you feel, but sometimes, the way we perceive ourselves, pushes us further towards this same situation.
Please consider it,and I hope we'll see the time when the name you chose will not make you sad, but you'll smile to see yourself away from this situation.
Is'nt it possible for you to see a good counsellor?
Please let me know hoe you are,
Take care,
Millie:)