I have been in an abusive & non caring relationship for almost 1 n a half year. The relationship was very frustrating. It took away all my freedom to live life happily. He used to restrict me for every single thing from opening up my hair to even wearing a normal decent cut sleeves dress. He use to make me cry weep run behind him so badly & when he use to see me crying all he used to say is " I am not raising kids stop crying for heaven sake" either he used to disconnect immediately or leave the premises . He didn't like me meeting my friends. He used to restrict me for every small to big thing. He used to make foul comment over my family too. He did not like my family and he clearly said that how am I going to get in a relationship with them at later stages. And at times he himself used to contradict his words. He never appreciated for what I did for him. He used to have problem from every small thing. I tried making every bit of moment special for him but all I use to get is a poker face or an annoyed one with tons of hard behavior and ultimately this hurt me n I cried!
One day I got into friendship with a guy who used to like me and my boyfriend hated that boy. I was serious about my boyfriend I had no wrong intentions about being with that guy but somewhere I was scared of telling it to my boyfriend because all he'd do is burry me under his harsh words . Our friendship grew I met him. Twice or thrice without telling my boyfriend , that guy told me his feelings many a times but all I used to say is I am in a relationship , u better don't think anything beyond that because I love my boyfriend a lot. That friend used to support me though ups n downs, I don't know once we met I held his hand all the time and I got some good news and I hugged him. This thing kills me. But then I drew a line of limit.
Once what happened, my boyfriend doubted on my brother, like just imagine. He said why do you delete your conversations with him is there anything fishy or what? I was devastated I said him he a low life loser, who can doubt even on a brother sister relationship. That night out of frustration I brooked of with him &and I called up my friend and told him I'm okay being in a relationship with him. I had this bad bad guilt.
The very next day I broke off with that guy told him , I'm sorry but I really love my boyfriend I don't know what it made me say you all this. But when my boyfriend called up next day I said I told him everything about that guy. He was devastated... I apologized I did every bit of sorry for almost a month. A month later due to a heated conversation my boyfriend hit me.
I have broken up with him Since 2 months now but I can't get rid of the guilt. It makes me feel I ruined my relationship. I love my boyfriend a lot, is this guilt because of this thing that we were intimate and yet I hide the friendship? I don't know what it is but it kills me. I swear , I got attracted to that guy for a while but it didn't took me even more than a day that I am in a relationship with someone, I can't be disloyal to him because I thoroughly loved him in spite of his bad behaviour.my boyfriend never made me feel special at all. We hardly use to have some romantic dates. I still love him, but why is this stupid friendship instance killing me this bad? Please help. I want to get over move on and lead a health life. And the last thing I want to mention is I have cribbed begged said sorry for that so many times. When I can forgive him for calling me a prostitute out of anger, hitting me. Can't he forgive me for this attracted friendship? I am so heart broken and dying of guilt. I don't know in which flow I opted for a wrong path but I am honestly dying of this guilt. It's been 2 months I haven't slept a peaceful sleep even.
Please help me. I have lost all my confidence in me.