Of course not. That's the dumbest thing ever said.

Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesn't mean that she doesn't get to spend it and doesn't get an equal say in how it is spent.

Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesn't seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.

Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she can't buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).

Any advice?

I can answer from my personal experience - but I don't know if this is right or wrong in the terms of what works for other people.

I believe you know I married a Doctor of Pharmacy. His income was sufficient to support us and our household.

I worked before he met me. I worked during our marriage, even though he felt I should stay home, concentrate on being his wife (even though he worked!), take time off. I thought that I needed to keep my identity. I did cut back to part-time and during his final months I totally stopped working - but then I picked it up again when he died.

It wasn't about the money; it wasn't about sharing or not sharing; it was about who I was, my identity, getting out and about.

We didn't have separate accounts. All of our money went into the same accounts and both of us could sign checks, withdraw money. "My" money wasn't earmarked for anything special.

I think a woman has to have her own identity, beyond being a wife and a Mom (both important jobs) and maybe that is what your wife is seeking.

Maybe - ?

Sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.

I assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.

Even though your wife may be happy with her life at home,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled.

Working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.

If a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..

Having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by redhed35

sometimes its not about the money,but mixing in the adult world.

i assume you meet a variety of people every day,and have lots to talk about when you get home.

even though your wife may be happy with her life,perhaps she is feeling unfulfilled in your life.

working outside the home brings about new challenges,new people and new experiences,maybe she wants more,maybe she wants to grow.

if a parttime job will create a happy woman,the knock on effect will be a happy wife and mother..

having freedom within any relationship is so important,and to feel like your not just the wife and mother,but someone who can contribute more to society.

---

I actually work from home and get out less than she does. Im basically here, I do the grocery shopping or I'm out with her with or without the kids. My hobbies are at home (computers and carpentry) - so its not that my world is "bigger" than hers.

Thanks for the response though.

Want to trade wife's ? OK kidding but my wife ( OK future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn their own money and feel they are doing some on their own.

So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to

Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.

Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just can't comprehend it since I don't care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

But it is always "your" money if you earn it, even if you give her a household allowance or put it into a joint account. Many women feel the need to earn thier own money and feel they are doing some on thier own.

So they want to work outside the home, or perhaps some home business, that is and should be great if they want to

---

I guess that's where I fall off the thinking... she DOES work. I wouldn't want to take care of the kids all day long. You couldn't pay me enough. She earns everything she spends and then some. Its not like she even wants to buy things for herself. She wants to buy the usual household crap from Target like paper towels and dish soap.

:confused:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

want to trade wifes ? ok kidding but my wife ( ok future wife) has no trouble spending my money.

---

What? You've learned NOTHING! You haven't heard a word I said! WHAT?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

What? You've learned NOTHING! You haven't heard a word I said! WHAT?

---

Well don't want to steal steves question, but as I love to call her my newest ex wife to be.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Judy - that was another concern that we addressed a while back. The resolution to that was volunteer work which she wanted to get involved with and going back to school.

Near as I can tell this is purely a financial issue - and only just came up because her unemployment checks stopped coming. She has been under a lot of stress lately because her mobility has been limited (knee surgery next week) but she has been very much hung up on money as long as we've been together. I just can't comprehend it since I dont care about money much (after all obligations are met, of course)

---

Hmm - and maybe it is a financial issue.

This is nothing I'm posting for the first time but following my divorce I had some serious financial problems, worked 1 full time and 2 part time jobs trying to keep a roof over my head. When I met my late husband I had a TERRIBLE time spending "his" money - and he was a very generous man (also emotionally, physically, in all ways other than financial). He actually got angry with me because I simply wouldn't sign a check for anything, including household expenses. It got to the point where he opened "my" checking account and put money in it for me. Otherwise, I dragged him shopping with me and asked permission to make a purchase. I eventually got over it - took about 6 months - but it was like cultural shock to me.

I went from driving a 15 year old Chevy to a high end new import in less than 8 weeks. This is the stuff of both dreams and nightmares.

Was she having a rough time of things? She may very well need to just give "it" some time, settle down a bit.

I see this as an issue which resolves itself - she may just need that extra bit of security.

I always had to earn my money,I was reared on a diet of 'pay cash,don't get credit'

If I can't afford it I don't buy it.

Money has always been an issue,as a child growing up,a teenager,a wife,an ex wife and now independent..

The need to look after myself and provide for myself is so ingrained in my D.N.A,I can't accept an ice cream cone without having to pay it back somehow.

My point is,if your wife has always contributed to the finances of the house,and now her check has stopped,maybe she has just gone into panic mode,and feels the need to provide the rainey day money.

In today's economy a second income is not such a bad idea.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Was she having a rough time of things? She may very well need to just give "it" some time, settle down a bit.

I see this as an issue which resolves itself - she may just need that extra bit of security.

---

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

---

Ahh, but the shadows hide in the corners for a very long time.

I think she has worked out most of the stuff - and she very well may find that the working world is not half the "fun" she thought it would be.

As I said - in my case it wasn't a case of "not being allowed" to spend money. I simply didn't have any. It took a long time to get over that.

It sounds like you're wife wants to work for personal reasons and not for the money. So instead of telling her that she doesn't need the extra cash, why don't you really talk to her and see why she wants to work.

My take is that she wants to boost her self-esteem and be more independent. Again, it has nothing to do with getting extra cash. That's just the reason she provided for you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Came from an abusive relationship where she was cut off from everyone and not allowed to spend money - but we've been together over 3 years and she has worked through most of the stuff there, we thought.

---

She had a rough past. Try to be more understanding of her situation. She needs to do this for herself and not just for the family.

Talaniman Rule- Never stop a female who is willing, from working.

Unless your afraid of your own terrors at home (kids).

Let her work, its no big deal.

Im not trying to stop her from working. I want her to do whatever makes her happy... that's all I care about. I would love it if she would work and put the kids in daycare... if that's what she wants to do. But its not.

She just wants her own money.

Ahhh..!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Im not trying to stop her from working. I want her to do whatever makes her happy... thats all I care about.

---

Then let her work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

I would love it if she would work and put the kids in daycare... if thats what she wants to do. But its not.

---

Why not? Sounds like a fair compromise. If she's not at home, she can't have as much attention on the kids. She can't expect you to add on an extra load just because she wants to work. You need to develop a stronger communication system where you can explain things to each other and find the best solution.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

She just wants her own money.

---

So let her. You're not the stay at home dad. I'm sure you wouldn't feel very comfortable only spending her money if she was the only one working.

This need of hers to earn her own money could be, not only from that past bad relationship, but from how she was raised. My father instilled it in me to work for my own money. I think I understand her need to work more than I understand what your problem is with it.

Does she expect you to stay with the kids as opposed to the daycare idea?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Does she expect you to stay with the kids as opposed to the daycare idea?

---

That's just it - she doesn't want to work or put the kids in daycare... she just doesn't want to spend "my" money.

Does she have a hobby? Needlepoint, Beading, Crochet; all those handicrafts go for decent money on E-bay. Internet Antique brokering can do well.

The idea of getting a late night job just for mad money and self-esteem raises some safety questions in my mind. More the late night than the self esteem is my concern.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Thats just it - she doesnt want to work or put the kids in daycare... she just doesnt want to spend "my" money.

---

Hmm, at this point you step back, and let her do as she choses, and see if you can support her.

Talaniman Rule-Don't make waves in your own bath tub. You may be the one cleaning up the mess.

No matter what plan my wife comes up with, I always wait to see what she really wants before I jump in with any suggestions.

I think your lucky to have a female that doesn't want to spend your money, and maybe you should enjoy it while it lasts.

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tara1

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over (and tell us) if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

---

- And I am thinking that your bitterness is spilling over into and onto your various answers about relationships and marriage. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1973205

Trust me, on this particular thread, on this particular issue, you are very far off base and couldn't be more insulting to a respected board member if you tried. Perhaps "Steve" really doesn't feel he has an obligation to think anything over and report back to you whether he thinks he's some sort of control freak.

You may want to think things over and tell us just how bitter you are about your breakup.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by tara1

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

---

Well, if me wanting my wife to be happy and not worry about money(or anything really) makes me a control freak, I guess that's just the way I roll.

Steve, is there any way that she can/does help with your business that might make her feel like she contributes to it?

There's a (fairly brief) article in the 10/26/09 Times magazine concerning "the State of the American Woman - ... why they are more powerful - but less happy."

Interesting - don't know if it's on point but might be informative.

My brother is really well off. I mean he's loaded. My sister-in-law felt the same way your wife does. She wanted to have money of her own. She wanted to EARN her money. She said whenever she gave him a gift, she had to get the money that HE earned to pay for it. Even though he makes the money, she works very hard too. Both of their kids are in college, but she still has plenty to do keeping up their huge house, and not to mention the lake house that they have.

She has, in the last few years, started to sell Mary Kay cosmetics. It's fairly decent cash, and you can sell it from home. Do you think that your wife would like something like that?
It's also safer than being out of the house at night too.

Just an idea that worked for my family.

I wish you both a solution soon.

( this is my 1000th post!)

Steve - You are hamstringing her self esteem by not letting her work or go to school or whatever she feels is important to her now. If she wants to go back to work after the knee operation and recovery, let her. Have her put the kids in daycare when she is at work. Sounds like the kids need to be around other kids instead of grownups all the time. Kids need to be kids for so many hours a day and away from their parents on a regular basis. The reason they are terrors is probably because they've never interacted with kids of their own ages before. Probably do them a world of good as well. What are they going to do when it comes time for school? Be homeschooled or go to regular school? Kids and moms who are isolated at home get cabin fever big time. Plus the fact you are there doesn't help mom be mom. She's always wondering when you are going to come in to see what she's doing as well. I don't like the idea of her working at night. That sounds more like she has a boyfriend and wants to see him at night kind of thing. But then I have a naturally suspicious mind so please disregard that sentence. Work, yes. Daytime only please. Kids to daycare yes. Might change them into perfect kids once they see that everyone does not cater to them all the time but they have to play nice with everyone else.

Also, it just might make you a better dad and a better husband not being around everyone 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

Steve - You are hamstringing her self esteem by not letting her work or go to school or whatever she feels is important to her now. If she wants to go back to work after the knee operation and recovery, let her. Have her put the kids in daycare when she is at work. Sounds like the kids need to be around other kids instead of grownups all the time. Kids need to be kids for so many hours a day and away from their parents on a regular basis. The reason they are terrors is probably because they've never interacted with kids of their own ages before. Probably do them a world of good as well. What are they going to do when it comes time for school? Be homeschooled or go to regular school? Kids and moms who are isolated at home get cabin fever big time. Plus the fact you are there doesn't help mom be mom. She's always wondering when you are going to come in to see what she's doing as well. I don't like the idea of her working at night. That sounds more like she has a bf and wants to see him at night kind of thing. But then I have a naturally suspicious mind so please disregard that sentence. Work, yes. Daytime only please. Kids to daycare yes. Might change them into perfect kids once they see that everyone does not cater to them all the time but they have to play nice with everyone else.

Also, it just might make you a better dad and a better husband not being around everyone 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

---

People aren't understanding... I'm not letting her do anything. I fully support whatever it is she wants to do, be it work, not work, go back to school... 100% behind her and doing whatever it takes to make it happen. The problem isn't that she cannot do what she wants... the problem is that she doesn't want to do anything and is still upset about money.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Steve, is there any way that she can/does help with your business that might make her feel like she contributes to it?

---

Unfortunately no - its not a home business... I telecommute to my office doing a job she has no interest or knowledge in (computer programming)

I just came across this thread and wanted to add my $0.02.

Please talk to your wife about the fact that the two of you are a team. It's such an important concept in a marriage and I think a lot of people forget about it.

Being part of a team means that the members contribute what they can, when they can. There will be times when the things you contribute may have a higher monetary value than her contributions. Then there will be times when it's exactly opposite. It doesn't have to be "equal" at all times.

When we first got married my husband made 2x what I was making. After about 7 or 8 years I was making 3x what he was making. Then I stopped working, had a baby and become a stay-at-home mom, earning nothing. Now neither of us is working--not the kind of equality I would have preferred, unfortunately.

But through all of this our attitude has always been "our money". A week before we got married we opened up a joint account and each of us put in all of our money. We've never had any other accounts, or separate accounts, or anything like that. Everything is "ours".

Change happens. Things will change for your family. I hope it's for the better. If the two of you focus on being a team and dealing with those changes together then it won't matter to either of you how much each is contributing. All that will matter is that the team is doing well.

I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.

My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.

I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by asking

I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.

My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.

I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.

---

Confused? You and me both. Seriously - the day I understand my wife is the day I can die happy. Im going to live for freakin eva! I know exactly two things... I love her and will do anything to make her happy.

I just don't know how. :(

Quote:

---

That's exactly what I am TRYING to get her to understand... its all ours. That's really the issue here... she doesn't accept equality.

---

That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LisaB4657

That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.

---

I don't mean that we contribue equality... I mean that we ARE equals regardless of who contributes what.

Now you just have to make sure that SHE knows that being equals doesn't mean contributing equally all the time.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

---

I love her and will do anything to make her happy.
I just don't know how. :(

---

Its easy, just support her in whatever she does. ( I have a couple of terrorist too, good luck with that. )

Quote:

---

I love her and will do anything to make her happy.

I just don't know how.

---

Hmm. Often you can't make another person happy. To me, it's sounding like she doesn't know why she's unhappy herself (or discontented, or whatever word). She needs to figure out why and talk about that. There are so many possibilities, I don't think it makes sense for us to try to guess.

But if she's willing to talk about this, you can probably help her figure out what's really eating her--just by listening. That's not the same as making her happy, but it's helping her make her own way to being happier.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Of course not. That's the dumbest thing ever said.

Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesn't mean that she doesn't get to spend it and doesn't get an equal say in how it is spent.

Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesn't seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.

Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she can't buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).

Any advice?

---

I seen something that you wrote to another person on here about trying to get a mortgage with some bad credit. Can you please get back to me and let me know how? I have recently become a single mom and it is very hard. Thank you.