Does she have a hobby? Needlepoint, Beading, Crochet; all those handicrafts go for decent money on E-bay. Internet Antique brokering can do well.

The idea of getting a late night job just for mad money and self-esteem raises some safety questions in my mind. More the late night than the self esteem is my concern.

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Originally Posted by stevetcg

Thats just it - she doesnt want to work or put the kids in daycare... she just doesnt want to spend "my" money.

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Hmm, at this point you step back, and let her do as she choses, and see if you can support her.

Talaniman Rule-Don't make waves in your own bath tub. You may be the one cleaning up the mess.

No matter what plan my wife comes up with, I always wait to see what she really wants before I jump in with any suggestions.

I think your lucky to have a female that doesn't want to spend your money, and maybe you should enjoy it while it lasts.

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

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Originally Posted by tara1

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over (and tell us) if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

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- And I am thinking that your bitterness is spilling over into and onto your various answers about relationships and marriage. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1973205

Trust me, on this particular thread, on this particular issue, you are very far off base and couldn't be more insulting to a respected board member if you tried. Perhaps "Steve" really doesn't feel he has an obligation to think anything over and report back to you whether he thinks he's some sort of control freak.

You may want to think things over and tell us just how bitter you are about your breakup.

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Originally Posted by tara1

I am thinking your wife has some complaints against you, which may be making it hard to continue with this present arrangement of "spending your money". You may want to look deeper and ask her what makes her so uncomfortable. Even though it is largely a personal choice, and may emanate from choosing an identity beyond being a "wife", I wonder what could make her so insistent on not spending your money. Also, I wonder what makes you so insistent that she spends "your money". You might want to think over if or if not you are a sort of a control freak in some ways?

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Well, if me wanting my wife to be happy and not worry about money(or anything really) makes me a control freak, I guess that's just the way I roll.

Steve, is there any way that she can/does help with your business that might make her feel like she contributes to it?

There's a (fairly brief) article in the 10/26/09 Times magazine concerning "the State of the American Woman - ... why they are more powerful - but less happy."

Interesting - don't know if it's on point but might be informative.

My brother is really well off. I mean he's loaded. My sister-in-law felt the same way your wife does. She wanted to have money of her own. She wanted to EARN her money. She said whenever she gave him a gift, she had to get the money that HE earned to pay for it. Even though he makes the money, she works very hard too. Both of their kids are in college, but she still has plenty to do keeping up their huge house, and not to mention the lake house that they have.

She has, in the last few years, started to sell Mary Kay cosmetics. It's fairly decent cash, and you can sell it from home. Do you think that your wife would like something like that?
It's also safer than being out of the house at night too.

Just an idea that worked for my family.

I wish you both a solution soon.

( this is my 1000th post!)

Steve - You are hamstringing her self esteem by not letting her work or go to school or whatever she feels is important to her now. If she wants to go back to work after the knee operation and recovery, let her. Have her put the kids in daycare when she is at work. Sounds like the kids need to be around other kids instead of grownups all the time. Kids need to be kids for so many hours a day and away from their parents on a regular basis. The reason they are terrors is probably because they've never interacted with kids of their own ages before. Probably do them a world of good as well. What are they going to do when it comes time for school? Be homeschooled or go to regular school? Kids and moms who are isolated at home get cabin fever big time. Plus the fact you are there doesn't help mom be mom. She's always wondering when you are going to come in to see what she's doing as well. I don't like the idea of her working at night. That sounds more like she has a boyfriend and wants to see him at night kind of thing. But then I have a naturally suspicious mind so please disregard that sentence. Work, yes. Daytime only please. Kids to daycare yes. Might change them into perfect kids once they see that everyone does not cater to them all the time but they have to play nice with everyone else.

Also, it just might make you a better dad and a better husband not being around everyone 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

Steve - You are hamstringing her self esteem by not letting her work or go to school or whatever she feels is important to her now. If she wants to go back to work after the knee operation and recovery, let her. Have her put the kids in daycare when she is at work. Sounds like the kids need to be around other kids instead of grownups all the time. Kids need to be kids for so many hours a day and away from their parents on a regular basis. The reason they are terrors is probably because they've never interacted with kids of their own ages before. Probably do them a world of good as well. What are they going to do when it comes time for school? Be homeschooled or go to regular school? Kids and moms who are isolated at home get cabin fever big time. Plus the fact you are there doesn't help mom be mom. She's always wondering when you are going to come in to see what she's doing as well. I don't like the idea of her working at night. That sounds more like she has a bf and wants to see him at night kind of thing. But then I have a naturally suspicious mind so please disregard that sentence. Work, yes. Daytime only please. Kids to daycare yes. Might change them into perfect kids once they see that everyone does not cater to them all the time but they have to play nice with everyone else.

Also, it just might make you a better dad and a better husband not being around everyone 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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People aren't understanding... I'm not letting her do anything. I fully support whatever it is she wants to do, be it work, not work, go back to school... 100% behind her and doing whatever it takes to make it happen. The problem isn't that she cannot do what she wants... the problem is that she doesn't want to do anything and is still upset about money.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Steve, is there any way that she can/does help with your business that might make her feel like she contributes to it?

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Unfortunately no - its not a home business... I telecommute to my office doing a job she has no interest or knowledge in (computer programming)

I just came across this thread and wanted to add my $0.02.

Please talk to your wife about the fact that the two of you are a team. It's such an important concept in a marriage and I think a lot of people forget about it.

Being part of a team means that the members contribute what they can, when they can. There will be times when the things you contribute may have a higher monetary value than her contributions. Then there will be times when it's exactly opposite. It doesn't have to be "equal" at all times.

When we first got married my husband made 2x what I was making. After about 7 or 8 years I was making 3x what he was making. Then I stopped working, had a baby and become a stay-at-home mom, earning nothing. Now neither of us is working--not the kind of equality I would have preferred, unfortunately.

But through all of this our attitude has always been "our money". A week before we got married we opened up a joint account and each of us put in all of our money. We've never had any other accounts, or separate accounts, or anything like that. Everything is "ours".

Change happens. Things will change for your family. I hope it's for the better. If the two of you focus on being a team and dealing with those changes together then it won't matter to either of you how much each is contributing. All that will matter is that the team is doing well.

I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.

My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.

I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.

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Originally Posted by asking

I'm confused. At the beginning you said she wanted to get a job, but now you are saying she doesn't want to work. I think you need to talk more and really listen to what her reasons are, draw her out more if you can. I agree that something's not making sense.

My niece just took a part time job even though she has toddlers and her husband can support them. A big reason is that she doesn't feel respected at home. She has a law degree and her husband won't even carry a plate to the sink when he's done eating; criticizes everything she does, etc. The usual drill. It's not the money. She just needs to interact with adults who will treat her with respect. So that's one scenario. But I'm assuming that's not the case here.

I think more discussion needs to happen. And I agree with Steve that it's not that he's "letting" or not letting her do something. It's about what's driving this. Plus spouses shouldn't "let" each other do normal things like work or drive or go to the movie.

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Confused? You and me both. Seriously - the day I understand my wife is the day I can die happy. Im going to live for freakin eva! I know exactly two things... I love her and will do anything to make her happy.

I just don't know how. :(

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That's exactly what I am TRYING to get her to understand... its all ours. That's really the issue here... she doesn't accept equality.

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That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.

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Originally Posted by LisaB4657

That's just it, Steve. A team isn't about equality. It's a constantly changing thing. Sometimes it's equal but most of the time it's not. Just because it's this way now doesn't mean it'll be the same way later. It could be completely reversed. And if the two of you are a team it won't matter which way it is.

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I don't mean that we contribue equality... I mean that we ARE equals regardless of who contributes what.

Now you just have to make sure that SHE knows that being equals doesn't mean contributing equally all the time.

Good luck. :)

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I love her and will do anything to make her happy.
I just don't know how. :(

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Its easy, just support her in whatever she does. ( I have a couple of terrorist too, good luck with that. )

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I love her and will do anything to make her happy.

I just don't know how.

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Hmm. Often you can't make another person happy. To me, it's sounding like she doesn't know why she's unhappy herself (or discontented, or whatever word). She needs to figure out why and talk about that. There are so many possibilities, I don't think it makes sense for us to try to guess.

But if she's willing to talk about this, you can probably help her figure out what's really eating her--just by listening. That's not the same as making her happy, but it's helping her make her own way to being happier.

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Originally Posted by stevetcg

Of course not. That's the dumbest thing ever said.

Now how do I convince my wife that just because I make the money (she is a stay at home mom to our 2 terrors) doesn't mean that she doesn't get to spend it and doesn't get an equal say in how it is spent.

Ive tried the "were partners, equals, you work too" approach and she doesn't seem to be convinced. She wants to get a job after the kids are in bed so she can make some of "her own" money to spend on the kids and other household things.

Items of note: Financially we are doing well. There is more than enough money for everything plus all the fun things we like. The only thing I have EVER told her she can't buy is a dog and not because of the money. I work and do the cooking and outside stuff. She takes care of the kids and does all the cleaning. We share after workday kid details (games, baths, etc). She has full access to all accounts as well as an accounting of how every penny is spent (quicken).

Any advice?

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I seen something that you wrote to another person on here about trying to get a mortgage with some bad credit. Can you please get back to me and let me know how? I have recently become a single mom and it is very hard. Thank you.