I did not judge her. She asked for advice and she said this started as a one night stand. I told her sleeping with him first was IMO a mistake. And the reason you gave was the reason I think having the sex before getting to know a person is a mistake.

Carly, you have explained to us that this relationship started in a way that you usually wouldn't start one. You also explained that as you are having sex with the guy it feels that you should be exclusive since you don't want to have sex with more than one person. It is therefore reasonable that you would hope your partner would feel the same way.

Now just explain it to him as clearly and see what he says. Then you can decide where to take it from there.

You can't really apply your usual time-frame since this didn't happen the usual way so you can only deal with what is and talk to him about it.

Carly, I just looked over your other threads: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...up-480109.html (about having a secret fling with one of your brother's friends) and https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ff-496696.html (about fainting on this guy and worried about his reaction).

I am not sure what you're 'normal' dating procedure is, but this Spring/Summer doesn't seem to be following that pattern.

You say that you don't normally have one night stands, but you had one not long after a 'fling' with another of your brother's friends. A relationship that your brother and presumably your current lover (and probably friend of your 'fling') don't know about. Is something else going on in your life that has you acting out character?

No matter how long or committed your relationship is, if you are having sex, you are committed enough to talk about it and the future. If you can't have an open and honest discussion about dating exclusively, how will you have one about a possible pregnancy. (NO form(s) of birth control is 100% effective).

Once you start having sex you owe it to yourself to have a conversation about being exclusive. If it's too soon for the chat, it's too soon for sex.

Cat: you have read the thread wrong. That was a relationship between my GIRL friend's brother. Completely different, nothing to do with my brother or my current lover. So your comment about not following a normal dating procedure doesn't make sense. That previous relationship did not start with sex, but friendship. When I say fling, it does not mean sex.. it was a relationship in progress where there was exclusivity but it did just didn't eventuate due to long distance. But that is completely unrelated and over!

My previous post was about the current guy, perfectly normal to ask whether he is turned off. I don't see that isn't normal either!

Thank you for the advice though, I realise people have their different rules on sex. A friend of mine had a 2 year relationship from a one night stand, so I am a little bit more relaxed on the rules! I understand that I owe it to myself to have the exclusivity chat. I just wanted to know when the right time was. And by the sounds, it's when it's feel right. And it feels right for me, as I noted in my first post!

When I made my first post I missed the fact that you were already having sex on a regular basis, and the additional information from the other threads puts this into an entirely different light.

First I will apologize for the first post. Under the circumstances as I know them to be now that post is moot.

With the danger of diseases that last a lifetime or kill you, that you expose yourself to when you engage in sex, I now consider one night stands a mild lapse in sanity.

You should have had the "exclusive " discussion when you decided to have sex on a regular basis with him. If for nothing else your own safety.

You are about five weeks late in that discussion as I see it now. JMO not a judgment of morals or lifestyle . But a major concern for health and safety.

And since the only 100% sure protection (of both disease and pregnancy) is abstaining
You are now at risk. And every sexual encounter you have with him multiplies that risk, and if he is not exclusive ( sorry but I don't see that as a possibility) every other partner he has will, multiply the chances again.

It is past the time to be finding these things out. Do it now.

For your own safety do it now.

I apologize for mis-reading who you had the 'fling' with.

I brought up your first thread about this person because it is more of your history with him. He didn't stay away after you fainted so hopefully he won't be intimidated by a serious discussion of the future.

My point still stands that as soon as you had sex with him, you should have been able to talk to him about serious matters like the future.

I have no problem with one-night stands as long the people involved are not using them as ways to fill a void in themselves (looking for self-validation through sex). You don't sound like that was the case.

I am glad you are seeing that you should be able to discuss it. If you are wanting this relationship to progress, I hope he does, too.

Good luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

. . . And the reason you gave was the reason I think having the sex before getting to know a person is a mistake.

---

I realize that, and all I can say to that is you live and you learn; she'll figure it out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by carly125

And by the sounds, it's when it's feel right. And it feels right for me, as I noted in my first post!

---

Rockin'. Good luck!

Personally, I think this is a mistake to begin with. (Speaking from own experience) Relationship developed from one night stand will never last. (most of the time) as time pass, even if you two are in a serious relationship, the TRUST issue will com up and becomes a problem. You or he will wonder, if the other one will ever sleep around or do another one night stand. So.. its smart to get to know someone more, then have a sexual relationship.

You should always ask about who else your partner is having sex with BEFORE YOU have sex with them, JUST FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

If it's too soon for the talk, it's too soon for sex. Have the talk.