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bellatrue · Jul 28, 2011, 01:39 PM

When I was young and stupid I fell HARD for a player that said all the right things and then went back to his hometown long-suffering girlfriend and married her... I found out I was pg about three weeks after he ended it. I moved away and never told him and put our son up for adoption after much soul-searching. "Mr. Wonderful", much to my shock, has been living about 5 miles from me in another town all these years.. He and the wifey never had kids - don't know why, could care less. (She probably didn't want to have sex... ) When we were together, all he talked about was us having a houseful - I actually DO, with a wonderful man!! KARMA, baby! Question: would you tell him after all these years?? It would TOTALLY be for spite, which is NEVER a good idea; BUT... Thoughts??

Fr_Chuck · Jul 28, 2011, 01:43 PM

You hold so much hate for this person after 35 years ?

The question is not what you should do, you have really no right in this any longer.

I hope your child is happy and honestly does not want to contact you since you are still filled with hate over this.

I would suggest that you get counseling.

Have you moved on with your life ? Have you married, had kids and so on ?

bellatrue · Jul 28, 2011, 02:01 PM

Ahhh, "my child" and I have ALWAYS been in contact, as it was an open adoption... He is a well-adjusted professional with a family who has NO DESIRE to meet his sperm donor. And yes, I have been happily married for 30 years and have four wonderful kids, to answer YOUR questions. And YES, I DO still hold animosity for the creep that almost ruined my life - just because it didn't happen YESTERDAY doesn't mean he gets dispensation for being a total a$$hole; are the years supposed to make him more of a saint in my eyes?? I AM happy, so does that let him "off the hook" for all his nastiness??

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 02:08 PM

Originally Posted by bellatrue

has NO DESIRE to meet his sperm donor.

But what about medical questions, genetics, family history? As your son ages and has health problems, the question of who has father is may become important, especially if there is a specific health situation.

He's never wondered about his father?

mini31 · Jul 28, 2011, 02:11 PM

Don't tell him. If you do, chances are he will look for the child. Don't make the kid suffer he/she is probably in a happy home let him/her be happy :) tell him about your happy marriage if you want but let it go it shoudnt matter what happened then since now you have a husband and children which I'm assuming you love

hidden123 · Jul 28, 2011, 02:12 PM

I agree that it's weird you're keeping a grudge after so many years. If he is such a creep - I don't see why you would want him in your child's life.

You sound like an angry bitter person..

Fr_Chuck · Jul 28, 2011, 02:30 PM

It is no surprise this poor "child" ( man) wants nothing to do, and I feel so sorry for you current husband, if this rage we see here, is a every day event.

Has something happened recently to make you want to tell him ?

Why do you wish to cause him harm and pain after 35 years.

And of course the entire issue of the adoption, since you did not notify the father, there is legal issues with it since you 1. knew who the father was 2 and failed to notify him of the adoption.
That makes another rather cloudy issue legally. That may need to be cleared up, I would talk to a family law attorney.

But then what if he is happy to hear he had a son ( he always wanted kids) perhaps he will meet his son and they become best of friends.

Should he know, yes he should, not for your evil reasons but because he has the right to try and have a relationship with his son

talaniman · Jul 28, 2011, 03:08 PM

He may be an arsehole, but you fell for him and made a baby with him. How can you still be mad and put the whole fault on him without accepting half the blame?

Maybe that's why you can't let this go, even though it was a lifetime ago. Say nothing, and deal with your own feelings.

liz28 · Jul 28, 2011, 03:48 PM

You say you are happy so why do you even want to do this? You need to stop living in the past and be happy for all the wonderful things you have now. When a person is happy and content with their life they don't worry about what other people are doing or try to do something to bring misery because only misery loves company.

I could see if you wanted to tell him if your motives was different but they aren't. You want to make him angry but have you ever took the time out to think about what this guy might do if you do this? It might not go as planned as you wish. Think about it! Hate to see anything bad happen to you.

Edited/T

kcomissiong · Jul 29, 2011, 08:01 AM

When I read this, I went straight to the adoption issue that Fr_Chuck previously mentioned. How did you menage an adoption without the consent of the father without committing fraud? You are opening a big can of worms here out of spite.

I'm not saying that this would happen (its actually a little far-fetched), but jump to the absolute worst-case scenario: Your ex finds out about his son, and proves that you committed fraud by not informing the court that you knew who the father was and how to contact him. He successfully overturns the adoption, and you manage to tear up the lives of not only your son and your ex, but the people who loved him enough to make him a part of their lives. Is your spite after 35 years worth all of that?

As for the anger that you hold... you need to get over it. He is not a creep that almost ruined your life. He is a guy that dumped you. Period. He never knew you were pregnant. Anything that happened afterward was your choice. Why are you angry at him for something he didn't know that he did? You may want to seek anger management or counseling to not only deal with your anger issues, but for help in accepting personal responsibility for the role that you played in causing this situation.

My suggestion... you said that you had an open adoption. Ask your son and his family what they would like to do and be completely honest with them about the role you played in this. Tell your son that his father never knew he existed, and that there was a strong possibility that he would have been in his life had you not lied. You call the father a sperm donor, but that was because of your choice, and not his. Who knows what would have happened if you decided to actually be honest and give him a chance to be a father. Your inability to separate your relationship with you from his relationship with his child if what caused this. You need to stop continuing to be selfish, and make the choice that is best for your child, and his parents.