[amicon]

Look at it this way-you can make a choice whether you're going to allow yourself to continue feeling terrible about that kind of situation for the rest of the year-OR you can chose to not let it bother you.
If you chose option number one,you're allowing your life to be run by your ex and her actions.
If you go with option number two,YOU are in charge.
I know which one I would chose.

[dlowell08]

Sorry, I have one more thing on my mind, and if I don't ask it here, I'll just think about it too much. I need advice.

When we broke up the second time I sent her a message explaining that I was not going to contact her again and that I would hope she wouldn't contact me either. She wrote me back in an email... I forget most of it because I deleted it, but I remember the last sentence. It was the same sentence she sent me the first time she broke up with me, that she hoped I could be her friend. First off, that line pissed me off. It's not my responsibility to salvage the relationship. You are the one who let it go to ruins, if you want to pick up the pieces fine but don't put that on me. But I strongly suspect she will contact me again sometime in the future, whether it be in a month or a year. I need to know how to handle this when it comes up. Yes, I am aware that it may not come up, and that I should not be thinking about it like it will. I promise you, it would be a lot easier for me to not care about a potential meeting if I knew what to do.

The thing I've seen on this board is a contradiction. On the one hand people say if the person really loves you they will find a way to contact you no matter what. On the other hand people say to move on and never talk to them again. Which is it? What if she does contact me again? What if she continues to try after I turn her down the first time? It seems that the first and second things people say are conflicting. Could someone help clarify what people mean by both of these things?

Amicon's work is always appreciated as she is a patient, reassuring, and insightful answerer, but don't think this is a conversation between me and her. I could use any input I could get, in fact that would make it better.

[amicon]

First-thanks for the compliment!
Secondly-I don't know where in the world you are,but posting after 2pm GMT might get your thread more attention-most people on here are in the US.

Try reading threads similar to yours and look out for the opinions of Talaniman, I wish,Friend4U,Romefalls,redhed and KC tiger as they are very experienced posters and make a lot of sense.
(there are many more but these spring to mind.)

My own opinion you probably already know,once it's over,it's over and it's NC all the way-never mind how or if the ex tries to contact you.

Hope this helps.

[kctiger]

The thing I've seen on this board is a contradiction. On the one hand people say if the person really loves you they will find a way to contact you no matter what. On the other hand people say to move on and never talk to them again. Which is it? What if she does contact me again? What if she continues to try after I turn her down the first time? It seems that the first and second things people say are conflicting. Could someone help clarify what people mean by both of these things?

I don't think the word "never" should come up in most advice. There aren't any absolutes in life. The fact is you are eventually going to have contact with your ex, accidental or not. So what if she does contact you again? She will, most likely. The decision remains yours. After no prescribed length of time you will have the ability to make decisions about how to handle her based on rationality, not on past emotions.

By moving on I usually mean just creating a life based on your own happiness, not on a fictional and fairytale like scenario centered around your "lost love." Clarity soon shows up and you can have a conversation with your ex when and if you two ever decide to have contact again. Until you are ready for it and can handle it without overflowing emotions getting the best of you, don't talk to her.

[dlowell08]

KCTiger, so nice of you to join us. You can stay as long as you want.

All right thanks. Yeah I'm not sure if I really even want to go back to that. I had the thought of basically telling her no if she tried to contact me once, and then if she was really persistent, I would just tell her that the only way I would even consider talking to her is if she literally came to my front door where I live when I'm not at school (we live kind of far away, and, I don't think she knows my address). To me that would be never saying never (good look KC), but also letting her know that we are basically over, and if she wants anything at all, she is going to have to work REALLY hard to even catch my attention. Knowing how introverted and shy she is, I highly doubt she would get over herself and step out of her comfort zone and go. But in a microcosmic way, that was exactly the problem with the relationship, so if she wants to show me she changed, that's where she would start. But yeah, the first time she says something, I am going to politely say no thank you and keep moving. I honestly don't think she would have the courage to do it again, so that would probably do it. But I'm not sweating that, because if she doesn't want to work for it, then I'll know she hasn't changed at all and I think I've finally convinced myself that the person she was, though definitely a good person, was just a toxic friend/girlfriend, and I don't need that.

I had some very weird transformation like yesterday or today, coincidentally (or not) right after I posted that, where everything just seems to be going good. I think what I've noticed is that when I have my "stuff" together, she doesn't really bother me at all, like I can walk past her if I see her and not let it get to me. But then on days where the school work is piling up or I have a problem that I could really use someone to talk to, it gets to me a little more. But for one, I'm starting to use other friends for that, and for another, I'm glad I realized this, because it really showed me that my happiness is derived from how I am living, first and foremost.

The only thing I am iffy on is the mutual friends issue. I have one that I have decided to stay in contact with unless she really, really screws me over (but she won't) because she's always been a good friend. The other mutual friends, well, I just stopped talking to them this quarter. There are one or two of them where I still don't know if I want to make amends, but now I'm thinking I should just take a break from them for awhile and get my life back in order first, because if I am not that high a priority to them they won't be that high a priority to me.

This may sound like I am nearing full recovery (or maybe not, I don't know), but I promise there will be some days where things get to me and I will be back here. But thanks for the help all the way through, I appreciate it a lot.

[dlowell08]

So, I guess I'm not done. I really felt I was close though. I was feeling just really good about myself for like 4 days straight. Everything was just what it was, but I wasn't dwelling on anything. Or if I was, I was dwelling on it as a positive but distant memory rather than a reason to go back to her.

Then today, when I was heading down to the library to go do some work, her best friend was walking back from class. She was part of the group I hung out with last year and a little into this year, and when I made the decision over winter break to cut off everyone, I included her. She was never really messed up towards me, it's just she was my ex's best friend since before college even started. I didn't like how she didn't seem to make an effort to be my friend, but those were problems I had with my ex too, and I felt maybe I was asking too much of someone who really has no obligation to do so. I mean, she was always nice to me when she talked to me, but she never really went out of her way to get to know me. I never told her I was cutting her off though, I just figured my actions would speak for themselves. The other two girls I cut off, I think they got the message.

But anyway, so I walked by her (and we were the only two people on the street, so it was impossible to avoid) and she said hi and stopped to talk. I honestly had never thought about this situation occurring, I thought she would know what was up. Guess not. She asked me how I'd been (it was the first time I'd seen her since winter break) and was asking me questions about my major and all that. Eventually, I said goodbye and left, but there was a decent amount of small talk. And afterwards I just felt like s**t. She reminded me of a lot of things, and also I was kind of pissed that she and other people couldn't even realize the crap they put me through, that they could just act like it was nothing. But again, I really don't know how much of that was her actions or me overreacting.

I really don't know what to do. I think I want to cut ties, but I don't know if I want to cut ties permanently. I don't really know how to anymore, now that I've given her a window by talking to her. Obviously, ignoring her doesn't seem to get her the message. And I am not trying to get together with her and tell her the deal, that's just partaking in even more drama and BS, and I'm past that. What do I do? How do I do it? Should I just send her a message that says I would prefer not to talk to her until I've fully recovered? But then, my ex played games. I don't want to do that. There is a chance I might never feel comfortable talking to her, and I don't want to give anyone false hope and subject them to what I had to go through. I'm just really confused on how/what to do.

If anyone has any advice on how to let someone know you don't want to communicate with them for awhile when ignoring them isn't working, that would be amazing. I don't have her number, I deleted her as a friend on Facebook, but like I said, she's a really nice girl, most of the reasons I had to block her out were from my end.

Thanks. Peace.

[dlowell08]

Today was not the best day. I truly thought I was over it all. I have a much better life than before we started going out, have the old me back, an outgoing, friendly dude, I honestly am who I want to be right now, minus the lonely feeling I end up getting too often. I even looked at a picture of her (I had it saved on my computer and forgot about it, don't worry I still deleted it) and didn't even get that knot in my stomach.

Then today, today of all damn days, I just finished finals and was on cloud 9. I came home today too, we have to walk out to the surrounding neighborhood to catch the bus to the airport. Anyway, while I was waiting in line to pay for the bus, she and two other people, both who I know and don't talk to anymore either, walked right by me. I honestly have not really been dwelling on her much lately, but she walked by and though I think she might have seen me she was laughing loudly and joking. While part of me thinks she was trying to show me something, it still really hurt, and I don't really know why.

I guess what I realized though is this anger I have at her and her friends for the way I was played is never going to go away, it will always be there seeing as the only person I could express it to with all my emotion behind it would be the person I am never talking to again. All I can do is distance myself from her, but it is a frightening thought to know this is going to stick with me forever. Peace.

[amicon]

Your reaction was normal,a little bump in the road.

As for your anger,I think you will find that it'll fade with time as you keep moving on from these silly people.

[dlowell08]

So, I need a bit of advice. I got a Facebook invite to a party on Friday night, but my friend told me that she is also invited to the party (I blocked her and her friends so I had to check). It's a semi-small party, it's for this girl's birthday, probably around 40-50 people in an apartment. Should I go? I've read here sometimes the only way to win is to not play the game? Should I go and then leave if she is there? I'd probably know 8-9 of the people that go, if that means anything.

Is a big step to be able to go to a place where she is and enjoy yourself? Or is a bigger step the ability to let go of instant gratification for something more? Do I want her to see me having a good time? Not really, I don't want her to know what is up with me. I don't want to see her having a good time either, it'll just give me more memories to dwell on. I think I'm getting better though, these past few days multiple people have made subtle references to things involving her, and while they get me down for a short while, I can recover by the end of the day.

Any help is appreciated, any at all.

[the_original]

Like, in summary, today was a good day. I made the best of it, met a few new people, and celebrated my friend's birthday. But then when we were all sitting in my dorm room, and my roommate gets up and just says, see ya. And when one of my friends asks him what hes doing he says he is going to party with the people "upstairs" (which is as vague as he can put it). It's not his fault, he tried to not explain it, but still now I am sitting here knowing that she's out tonight having a good time and I just don't want to hear anything about her anymore. That news just killed my mood. It's like every time I feel like I am close to getting out I get sucked back in. Either I see her around or she subtly enters the conversation. It's terrible.

Time.

[the_original]

So, I need a bit of advice. I got a facebook invite to a party on Friday night, but my friend told me that she is also invited to the party (I blocked her and her friends so I had to check). It's a semi-small party, it's for this girl's birthday, probably around 40-50 people in an apartment. Should I go? I've read here sometimes the only way to win is to not play the game? Should I go and then leave if she is there? I'd probably know 8-9 of the people that go, if that means anything.

Is a big step to be able to go to a place where she is and enjoy yourself? Or is a bigger step the ability to let go of instant gratification for something more? Do I want her to see me having a good time? Not really, I don't want her to know what is up with me. I don't want to see her having a good time either, it'll just give me more memories to dwell on. I think I'm getting better though, these past few days multiple people have made subtle references to things involving her, and while they get me down for a short while, I can recover by the end of the day.

Any help is appreciated, any at all.

In my honest opinion, if you feel like you don't want to see her having a good time, than don't go. This friend should and probably will understand that. If there is going to be alcohol (it is college haha) than something bad may happen as a result of that. The choice is yours though, if you can go there and enjoy yourself, while she is enjoying herself (and this may include other guys as well) than by all means have a great time!

[dlowell08]

I won't get wild with the alcohol haha, that's not my style.

I sincerely doubt she would be enjoying herself with other guys, not because I'm jealous, just because I know how she is. But then again she might attempt to if she sees me, who knows, I realized I didn't know her as well as I thought once, it could happen again.

But I wasn't even thinking about what she would be doing really, just that I don't want her to have the privilege of knowing what is going on with me, even indirectly.

I am just wondering if I am going too far on this whole No Contact thing. It seems a lot of the stuff I read here, people still may say hi or make casual conversation. I have completely cut her off. And 3 of her closest friends as well. If I was being consistent I would not go. I am just wondering if maybe I am overdoing the whole No Contact thing?

[dlowell08]

By the way thanks for the timely response.

[the_original]

I won't get wild with the alcohol haha, that's not my style.

I sincerely doubt she would be enjoying herself with other guys, not because I'm jealous, just because I know how she is. But then again she might attempt to if she sees me, who knows, I realized I didn't know her as well as I thought once, it could happen again.

But I wasn't even thinking about what she would be doing really, just that I don't want her to have the privilege of knowing what is going on with me, even indirectly.

I am just wondering if I am going too far on this whole No Contact thing. It seems a lot of the stuff I read here, people still may say hi or make casual conversation. I have completely cut her off. And 3 of her closest friends as well. If I was being consistent I would not go. I am just wondering if maybe I am overdoing the whole No Contact thing?

I don't think there is any such thing as going to far on NC. You do it until the girl becomes irrelevant to your life in any way. If your only concern is her knowing what your up too... who cares? I don't mean to sound harsh but just seeing her across the room at a party won't clue either of you in as to what the other is doing. NC ends when your completely over her and she is no different than any other stranger on the street. Sounds hard to believe, but I have been in a few long term relationships and I couldn't care less what my batch of exes are doing at this point.

As for cutting off the friends... again, if you feel you have something to gain by their friendship, and them accidentally releasing little bits of info about her casually in conversation won't bother you, see what's up with them. NC goes as far as you want it to.