[Smiley1]

In a nutshell I have found out that my husband subscribed to internet sites looking for sex slaves and such. In an 18 month period he has had copious amounts of unprotected sex with at least 14 women - including role-play master/slave scenarios. He has also had an intense 'normal' affair with a work colleague.

When we were courting he was very much enamoured with me - and we shared a magnificent love.

We have seen a counsellor and we both agreed to move forward and work through the issues. However he continues with nefarious online activity - and is sexually unattracted to me (incidently - we have not been intimate for nearly 20 months). And its not that I am unattractive - tall, slim, pretty etc.
He sometimes cries and tells me that he does not know why he does what he does - then he does not recall telling me this. He tells me he wants a divorce - then he constantly calls me pleading to talk with me and saying that he can't live without me in his life.

I have known all of this since 15 September 2006 - and it has consumed me. I cry all the time, I cannot focus on work or my life in general. I have opted to constantly spy on him and investigate. Often I find nothing. If I were giving advice to someone in my situation I would tell them to leave - and that the husband is a nutter. But for some reason I feel I still love him and want to help him as I feel he is broken and depressed. If you have ever been in this sort of situation - please tell me how you handled it?

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to continue counseling,

But if he prefers cheap and wild sex with others over being married to you, he is already made the choice, it is just that you have not accepted it yet

[nwsflash]

I agree fully with Chunk, if he enjoys going out and doing the things he is then you need to be real strong and walk away and see that he has made his choice in life, and that you need to make yours.

If there is no trust in a relationship then it can not work !

[J_9]

I totally and completely agree with the answers above. I would just like to remind you of the STDs he may be bringing home if and when you are together again. Are you willing to risk your health?

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would have been long gone by now. My vows were between my husband and myself, not every other woman he chooses to be with.

[nwsflash]

I would just like to remind you of the STDs :( he may be bringing home. Are you willing to risk your health?

Great point J_9 maybe the op should think of getting checked out to make sure he has not passed anything to them.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to J_9 again.

I hate it when it does the above

[s2tp]

You may still love him, but it sounds as if you are not the one that can change him. I would say if you feel like you still care for him and want to help him, but you can't trust him, then get separated. You can't sit around and be punished for his choices. Everyone else above has said it so well.

I really don't think your husband IS going to fully change, not in the ways you want him to. He is being very selfish if he is continuing going behind your back, but still begging for you to stay while you are being torn by all of this. That is not fair to you at all. We only get this life once... do you want to look back 20 years from now still feeling miserably from your husbands choices?

If you feel you still want to be there for him, then be his friend... but I would say move on.

This reminds me of a TV special I saw about a woman who found out her husband was gay, and having affairs on her. It hurt her cause he hid this, but worst of all it was something she could change or help him come back around to her. In the end they got divorced, but she still loved him and they were still friends.

Her strength was greater than mine, but if you still have such deep feelings for your husband, then maybe you can work things out. You need to have someone who loves you though, and can fulfill your needs in return. You deserve it...
Best Wishes

[stephstylist]

You are waaaaaaaay stronger than me to keep going with the relationship! That would have broken me, if you haven't given up, keep up the counciling and testing. You are one strong person

[His_1love]

I have been in the same situatuion I caught my husband doing his own thing on porn websites. I caught him once,twice,three times and going until the fifth time I had left him a love note. I gave him a thousand choices but I hurt bad insidely. I could get over the fact that I did everything for him, and he made me feel like I wasn't enough of a woman for him. We are still happily together but I always hurt, he hasn't done anything wrong since the last time so I think he has learned now how much he hurt me and our relationship has changed. Just to let you know I still live with the fear that it will happen again but I try my hardest to just keep working on it and move on for the sake of our daugheter.

You're very very strong,and remember it also you own choice to leave or stay.