Dear Reader:
Hello. This is might end up as a very long post, thank you in advance for continuing to read. I'm new to this forum, and what brought me here was a recent break-up. I'm having a hard time coping because I got dumped; and in the end the blame was on me. But first, some things about myself, I'm a 23 year old male who graduated from a university 7 months ago. I was lucky to get hired right away, doing something I like, but I had to move to a small town to work. I live in pretty much a retirement community, renting a large room to myself in a house.
It's hard for me to gather my thoughts to write because I don't know where to begin, and whether I will be able to accept the feedback that anyone would be so kindly to give. I'm having second thoughts because I feel guilty and ashamed.
But I guess I'm just going to say it, I slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend, who eventually broke my heart 3 days ago. In a way I'm here to be judged, but I don't want to be, I know there are so many questions for me to answer, ultimately Why? I can't answer that right now, but I can talk a bit more about the past.
We all met our first year in college, he was my roommate; we all lived in the same dorm. After that it was just sound bites and blur. I still don't know much about their relationship, but it lasted 3 years, along the way they broke up a couple times and I was their to support my best friend, I knew that she was his first girlfriend, first everything, and so I gave him the Good advice, advice from my experiences, advice we find on the Internet. I lived with him our last year in college, and it was then when everything changed.
I don't know what happened but they stopped talking, they were in the no contact period, and that's when she started chatting with me. The thing is, we've always chatted online with each other, but this time it was different. But skipping the questions, I did what I did and what happened next, they got back together. That took me off guard and I realized I was disturbed and anxious about my Feelings, so I tried, please believe me I tried to suppress them, I tried to ignore them, I wrote so many letters that no one will ever get to release myself but it didn't work, I had no one to talk to but her, and so I did. I was honest and open,
I even spoke about the Future. I was having a hard time because I started to Feel something, so I spoke to a Stranger, a completely stranger; that was the first person I let know about what happened, and he encouraged me to just tell my friend.
And just as I was rushing home to tell him... she texted me, saying we need to talk, and I took it as a Sign. She told me that we'd talk more about this and work through it together and if we were to tell him, we'd do it together, and that we all cared for each other, but as the days went by, having to seen them together, I was going insane, and so I told her one night, I can't take it.
She ended things with him shortly but explained to me that she didn't do it for me, it was unfair to my friend and her, all of us really. There was peace for a while until I guess she and I started missing each other, the word missing is the wrong word, but I'm using it anyway. We started sneaking out, hanging out, and I realized I wanted to be with her.
Fast forward, we graduated, I still haven't told my friend, and I was trying my best to stay with her; I moved, our relationship turned into a long distance one, and that's when she started to pull away. She called me several times, trying to leave me, but I would manage to have her stay, then one night she got so mad at me about still being friends with her ex, and I panicked, and told him what happened the next day. She was mad that I did that because, for one, I didn't tell her first, and two, it took away hope for her to ever get back with my friend. So let's skip the questions, I managed to continue a relationship with her. We did a lot during our LDR, but more times than enough, she tried to break up with me but I didn't let that happen and managed to continue again and again, until she told me that she was dating me out of pity because she knows that I would be hurt otherwise, and that it was convenient, and that she has no feelings for me, that she does not love me, and does not want me... and still, I managed to be with her after she told me that... but a month passed, a new year began, and she destroyed me by saying all that she has said and included that she resents me, that she blames me for not letting her have what she wanted, that I got in the way of her relationship, that I was selfish, and concluded with "I don't want a relationship with you."
I didn't manage to get her to change her tone of voice, it's silly because it's sort of an indicator of Hope; her voice wasn't soft anymore... my last plea the morning after was to go see her, she refused, I asked again, she refused, and kindly muttered she needed Space. The thing is, I fell in love with her a long long time ago, and for the things I can do, I do it, but Space right now is hard to give... because "if you love me you'd let me go," but I don't want to let go.
Please excuse me if this is confusing because I feel lost in all this. I miss her, I haven't seen her since Christmas weekend. Throughout the months, I've talked to a lot of people, I've confessed, I've admitted, and for the most part, I've been honest and open with her... and I Understand, but I'm still a little boy and I don't want to Accept, I don't understand... but I know that deep inside, I want to accept because it's the Right thing to do, I Wronged two Friends...
I'm going to stop soon because it hurts to write. I am Thinking so much, as I always do, and there were and are so many Scenarios and I don't like the one I'm in because it's tough. But I need to Forgive myself, because that's all I can do, I can't force her to forgive me, but that's what I want... I must Learn to move on... but I keep going back and forth, one moment I Can Do It, and another moment I Want to call her...
Reading articles online help, and talking to the people I can talk to helps, but eventually, I have to help myself, I'm just not there yet... and it makes me anxious because I want to know if I will ever talk to her again, or see her again, I mean I want to see her, I want to talk to her, and I want her in my life but I want her a certain way, and I don't want her to be mad at me, I don't want her to hate me... I want a Chance, a real chance...
But what's wrong is I'm using too many "I's," and I need to stop being Selfish... but my Heart is torn in a million ways...
I'm just Reaching out in every way possible because I'm Drowning. The silly thing is I don't know how to swim.
There are a lot of things I can't include in this post because it's literally Endless. I have so many letters written on my hard drive, so many draft emails, so many entries in a journal... and now I guess I'm trying to have an open discussion with people on the Internet.
But let me try to live a little in the moment, I joined a gym last night, I'm eating snack a day, I'm thinking about visiting a Church, I have a therapist, and it's only been 3 days since what has happened.
I'm trapped with my own thoughts, and maybe that's a good thing, no one is going to find me, I need to find myself, in the end I'm in the driver seat... and I'm sad because I can say what I need to do, but it's not what you say it's what you do, and that's so true, if I loved her, if I loved my friend, I wouldn't have done anything... and now I'm given another chance to make that decision, and what is Right is to not do anything.
To solve this problem, I have to not solve this problem.
And the weird thing is, I'm obsessed about Puzzles, Logic, Game Theory etc..