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    taintedlife's Avatar
    taintedlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 30, 2011, 08:11 AM
    i really like a girl who has a boyfriend.. just don't know where i stand, advice?
    Hi all,

    sorry about the huge block of text..

    Basically I'm crazy about a girl I work with, but she has a boyfriend. They have been going out for around 3 years but they are in a really weak relationship, as in they don't see each other much, she's really really nice and he's abit of a nob, as in he doesn't make the effort to go see her and he takes some sort of drug although she never said which. They where basically broken up at one point about a month ago but a few days ago they started saying love you etc on facbeook. Her friends don't like him much and everyone at work who knows him says he's abit of a moron.

    Anyway I've worked with her for about a year now but never really felt this way until about 4-5 months ago, when at work we email each other all the time and outside of work we text as well, she's never said she likes me anymore than a friend, I just felt abit lead on at times, but she's such a nice person she wouldn't do it on purpose, so I don't know if its just her being really nice or there's something there.. about a month ago we where both out on a Friday night, and about 10pm I got a text asking me to come see her etc, so I went to see her and her best friends.. boyfriend told me that her boyfriend is a **** and he thinks she likes me... as she waited apprently quite along time for me to arrive, we had a good night etc and I walked her home after. She lived bloddy miles away so was along walk and we talked for along time, I refused to make a move that night as she's still officially in a relationship so it wouldn't be right, that's all that happened then. After that we kept emailing and texting and last night we went out together, technically her closet friend invited me out (I hardly know her so obv something was said) so I went out and we had a really good night, went to a club and few pubs and I got abit drunk but still had control of myself.. so afterwards I got a lift back into town for a drink just the 2 of us, and aftewards I walked her home, and I decided I would tell her everything as I don't want to regret not knowing where I stand, so I told her I liked her and that I'm crazy about her but won't do anything about it as she's in a relationship, just wanted her to know. She seemed pleased or flattered that I like her, she didn't say she didn't like me but she also didn't say she wanted anything to happen.. was more me just telling her, she said "its complicated" and I suggested that we're both loyal, as in I wouldn't want her to cheat and she hadn't ended it with her boyfriend, after that we kept making each other laugh and joked about etc, I was drunk and sort of said I love her loads and kissed her (cheek), hugged and walked home... (nerly finished). I text her in the morning saying thanks for inviting me out had a great time, and I said I meant everything I said.. so she didn't just think it was drunken jubberish, and she replied saying : okay but we're just going to have to be good friends, and we will be great friends... which is sort of the ultra doomed kiss of death, I'm just confused if she means at this point in time we're just going to have to be good friends as I'm still technically in a relationship.. or if she just meant in general I'm not interested :S, there definitely seems to be something between us, what confuses me though is if she does like me but wants to at least try with this guy or if I'm just taking all her messages the wrong way, she does speak to me diff to her other friends, but she's never said she likes me, she just seems to hint in, just don't know if its on pupose lol. Like at work she is really shy near me, she will walk straight past without saying hi or anything, and sometimes she will walk out the opposite door to not walk past me.. and if we do happen to bump into each other we get on really well. But she will still email me, if I don't send her any messages she sends some to me, and then when we leave work we often text each other, even though she replys reaaalllyy slow, like its 2 hours imbetween each text.. HEELLPPP lol :S

    big love, thanks =)
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    Apr 30, 2011, 08:27 AM

    How would you feel if you had a girlfriend and someone was trying to make a move on her?

    I think she's playing a foolish, childless game, but that's her.

    I think you need to stay away from a person who is attached to someone else. I don't see any good coming out of this AND what she's doing to him she will eventually do to you.
    taintedlife's Avatar
    taintedlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 30, 2011, 08:38 AM
    Hi judy,

    For about 3-4 months I did nothing about it and just remained good friends until we started getting abit closer, eventually as so many m8s told me to just tell her, I did. She's not playing a game and its not childish in anyway, and there's no cheating going on we're both completely loyal, the only thing that could be considered out of line would be me telling her I like her, but not in a way where she had to say yes or no literally just wanted her to know how I feel.

    Also confused what you mean by what she's doing to him? She's putting in effort and he's not returning it which is why there relationship was weak, they're both just holding on it seems, I know what I think just wanted someone else's opinion

    Thanks though
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    Apr 30, 2011, 08:43 AM

    She is using you to get the attention she needs, wants or deserves instead of addressing the situation with her boyfriend. That's what she's doing to him.

    You also know her side of things, not his.

    I would step back (or out) until she decides who and what she wants.

    As innocent as it may or may not be, re-read what you posted. Imagine she is your girlfriend. How would you feel?
    taintedlife's Avatar
    taintedlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Apr 30, 2011, 09:00 AM
    Really helpful thanks a lot

    Yeah I know I really should step back and see, I mean at one point she said they are basically split up they're just hanging in there so I can't do anything.

    I know I would feel that way as well but in truth she is loyal to him, like with me she won't tell me anything that actually says she likes me so she's not crossing a barrier, I guess going out together is bad but what does he expect when he doesn't see her at all?
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
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    #6

    Apr 30, 2011, 09:11 AM

    I don't think you are going to see this woman as using you no matter what I say. I don't think she knows what she wants and she's keeping you in reserve.

    What does he expect? I don't know. Maybe he expects her not to be sneaking around behind his back - if that's what she's doing. On the other hand maybe she's told him about your friendship and he's okay with it.

    In truth she is loyal to him? Where do you see that? She's drinking with you, listening to your declarations of love, hugging you, allowing you to kiss her on the cheek (agreed no big deal) - and that's how she's being loyal?

    I think you're being used but I've already said that. It's your choice where to go from here.
    taintedlife's Avatar
    taintedlife Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Apr 30, 2011, 09:18 AM
    I don't think she is but at the same time completely understand what you mean so have sort of changed my opinion abit after what you put, and what I meant about the loyal I think she is I mean she's really quite a quiet shy person so I don't think she would have had the balls stop me, yeah well the cheek kiss was more because I was drunk maybe slightly over the line but I didn't force her into anything.

    Thanks for help though don't think I don't respect what your saying x
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
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    #8

    Apr 30, 2011, 10:20 PM

    Check out this guideline for insights: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ip-463250.html

    Seems like you made your move and she responded by saying that she just wants to be friends. The reason you think that you might still have a chance is because you're holding onto false hope by twisting her words and actions into giving yourself the impression that you might still have a chance.

    The point is, if she wanted something to happen, you would be the first to know and she wouldn't leave you hanging.

    Unfortunately, you're going to accept her decision and move on. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for more disappointment.
    blueiris982551's Avatar
    blueiris982551 Posts: 20, Reputation: 16
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    #9

    May 5, 2011, 07:49 AM
    I'm sorry in advance as you probably aren't going to like my response but from a female POV I would say that the feelings don't seem to be mutual. Plus she's already tangled up in another relationship. I wouldn't hang out with her anymore as it will only enhance your feelings. Personally I can't be friends with someone when feelings are involved. You could remain acquaintances in the office but if she contacts you outside of work I'd either say you are busy or not even respond.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #10

    May 9, 2011, 01:12 PM

    Whether she's interested, a girl who will cheat with you will cheat on you. Have some honor and don't go after other people's partners unless you want a relationship filled with mistrust and childishness.
    mike01112's Avatar
    mike01112 Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Aug 11, 2011, 05:41 PM
    You're an *** mate, how would you like to be her boyfriend? People like you f**k up relationships, and you see no big deal? Also I agree with the other replys above - she is just using you for her own needs.

    Sorry pal got to say it like it is.
    SALEXD13's Avatar
    SALEXD13 Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Aug 11, 2011, 06:58 PM

    I know exactly how you are feeling, my friend! I was crazy for a girl for two and a half years! I told her my feelings and she strung me along like a dog. It is so hard, I may only be the meer age of 16 but we are feelong the same thing! We used to talk all the time and text most days after school! It pretty much ruined my confidence around girls and it was very very difficult for me to get over her and a couple of months after I finally had gotten over her she told me she told me she had feelings for me, after saying she never could! I still think about her every now and agajn, and when I do I really want to ask her out again but I know that would be wrong.
    Hope this helps you mate,
    All the best!
    Bestcow's Avatar
    Bestcow Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jun 24, 2012, 05:03 PM
    You know I'm dealing with the same issue. You can choose who you fall for and as for me I haven't told her how I feel about her. I know this thread is a bit old but I feel like I would like to contribute to this a little in case someone like myself comes across this feeling the same as I feel

    Everyone keeps telling you that what if you were her boyfriend? How would you feel? Why does anyone ever break up with each other? Is it always going to be " we aren't doing the greatest so we should split up and be alone just incase someone great comes along?" hah that's all jokes. Most people will stay with what they have and if someone who is truly their love comes along they will "hopefully" not cheat on their existing partner and knowing that there is an attraction or promise break up and then work on that lead.

    I wish to think of it that way because I've been with plenty of women and you can't be with them all the time. Also you can control who they talk to and how those interactions happen. Try as you might loyalty will only hold for as long as both in a relationship want to be loyal. Seeing where you stand you need to know she left you hanging and you can still be friends. That's what I'm doing right now and I'm in your boots.

    If she falls for you the same she will go through the right channels and if she doesn't then you can remains friends and that's her loss. Keep your chin up but don't dwell on it, as much as it hurts your heart. Hopefully by now you've stayed friends with her and you've found someone a little more avalible or ready to love/move on.

    As for myself what I feel I might do is let her know I like her, but if nothing should come of it I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship. Then I, like yourself, won't regret not telling Her and then wonder what if we were meant to be together. Sorry for all the men out there with women... But if love sparks elsewhere I know it sucks but that's how people's hearts work sometimes. Just because they say I heart you this year doesn't mean it's forever all the time.

    Take care mate really hope all is well!
    countys32's Avatar
    countys32 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jan 24, 2013, 01:45 PM
    This is an old post so you probably won't read it but how and ever, I say go for it mate don't listen to these nay Sayers what the hell do they know, it's not cheating if she 's not happy with her current boyfriend, life is far too short and you need to grab the bull by the horns and steal her away from that jerk, who knows you might be the love of her life and all great romances start with either one or both parties already in a relationship, anything in this life worth getting you have to fight or steal for and only a na´ve idiot think differently, it's a harsh world and you have to fight for what you want, fortune favors the brave and you need to make a bold sweeping statement and sweep her off her feet while kicking that fool to the ground, if she ends up with you and she does the same thing to you then that is also just deal with it if it happens because does happen but don't walk away you obviously really like her and is clearly in to you, what else needs to be said, I hope you read this and now 2 years on from the original post she's your girlfriend and you both are madly in love... you never know could be possible.

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