I'm very stressed out. I really need sympathetic advice and no critics.

Long story short...

As many of you know, I have had problems with my married boss. He's had a crush on me for (10 months now... Since Jan.) He wasn't the one who hired me but took over and I got stuck with him. He's been inappropriate (touching, comments, staring, being a pig etc). He was stressing me out by arranging so much togetherness on the job. He kind of grew on me because of all the attention but I never behaved inappropriately. I finally got sick of it. It's difficult to work under those circumstances. He's very needy and he jokingly mentioned that he has a midlife crisis every year. I think he's 58 or 60.

I started to be very firm and serious to try to stop this behavior. He retaliated by taking away work that was important to me. Recently I had my annual review and it wasn't that great. I knew he would pull something like this so a few months ago I started asking him what I needed to do to be sure I had a great review. I thought I had all my bases covered. He had a negative comment to make under each category. I was so mad.

Well, he just came back from a two week vacation. I was so happy with him gone. When he came back, he ran into my office like he missed me. I cannot stand the sight of him. I get headaches if I see him more than a couple of times a day. I get a terrible physical reaction when I see him and I can't stand him. I'm stressed out because if I continue like this, he'll fire me. I can't afford to lose my job. I've looked around and there aren't any jobs right now and this one is a good one.

Here's the really sick part. I found out he brought a gift back from his vacation to another girl and not me and I felt jealous. Then I noticed that he is behaving in the same way with some other girls as he had been with me and it upset me. I should be happy about this since it gets me off the hook. I don't know where these feelings are coming from. I really don't like him and I have never given in to him. Why do I have these feelings? I don't get it. I think I'm just stressed out. I'm afraid I'll blow up at work. I'm sick of this whole thing. I can't stand him. This has gone on for too long.

He is obviously upset at the fact that I have become so completely cold to him. He gets flustered when I'm short and to the point with him. I have to stop this or I will be fired. I don't feel I have enough concrete evidence against him to complain. We have on site attorneys and an ethics department but they look after the company. I'll end up losing my job. I'm trying to be a corporate robot but my feelings are very strong and I have trouble hiding them. At work they are all workaholic zombies and this is part of what has me stressed out. I can't fake my emotions and hide how pissed off I am.

I just need to vent. Any constructive advice is very appreciated! Thank you...
__________________

That's sexual harassment. If they fire you for reporting it that's retaliation.

Do you have actual proof of his harassment? Saved messages? Inappropriate emails? Any physical evidence?

OK. Your call. Good luck with either learning to deal with your boss or finding a new job. Hope it all works out well for you :)

Thanks... You know, just writing it out and looking at it helped immensely. You don't realize just how weird a situation is when you are in it. It was a chance for me to step back. I got my answers!

There are many solutions here!
Firstly, do you belong to a UNION at work.
Your union should be looking after you.
Secondly, in the country you live, is there such a thing as an OMBUDSMAN?
If there is you must get in touch with him.
Thirdly , you must , bite the bullet and start looking for other employment.
In your case, I would definitely seek legal advice.
In Australia where I live we have very good
Discrimination Legislation in place for your type of problem.
Remember, the little fish never eats the
Big fish.

HI,
Thanks Rolcam. I'm not in a union. I am looking for other work. In the meantime, I need to control myself and not let my resentment show because I've become a bit snippy. Last night I wrote out all the events, comments etc. and I was disgusted with myself that I let it go on so long. He's pushy and persistent. He has gotten it, finally, that there is no way in hell I'm ever giving in. Well, I think he gets it but I think he's very attracted to me so when he talks to me he's nervous and acts like a freak.

Now I have to deal with my reaction to his retaliation. I could walk in to work one day and be told to get my belongings and leave. If I could just be phony and go on as usual. Problem is, I get such a bad reaction when I see him. I get a pounding headache and I feel this anger well up from the core of my being. I feel like I'll explode. Because I have so much anger that I cannot express the way I would like, I cried all day after work yesterday... I'm completely stressed out.

A couple of weeks ago, I confided in a girl at work who he flirts with. She seemed like someone I could trust but in a corporation you can never really trust anyone. Oh well, I took a chance. She agreed that he is very unprofessional. I also made a comment to another girl he has been overly friendly with. I said, "Don't you find him extremely touchy feely and he gets to close?" Now if I have to make a formal complaint, I can always say that I spoke with these girls and they agree. He's so out of control that he's going to get caught doing something.

Does anyone have some advice on how I can control myself and see this in a different way so that I don't have these feelings and possible explosion? How do I psyche myself out to not react? I haven't mastered "zombie" yet. Thanks!

Microphone, yes that's right it's undeniable proof. Lure him into making advances into him, then use a microphone to record all his words. Once you get something, sue him and show the proof to the appropriate channel. A corporation never take lightly a lawsuit.

Hi Paxe,
Great info but it's against the law for me to record him without his knowing. I checked. Also, I would not be interested in a law suit. I don't want that kind of high drama in my life. If it got really ugly, though, a law suit might have to be the way to go. Thank you for your ideas!

I always dreamed to use a microphone in this kind of situation. Well, YOU know the law, but he may not. Even though it may not stand in court, you could still use it to your benefit and show it to his bosses or to the ombudsman.

You can also talk to other coworkers, see what they feel about him. It's easier if you have someone on your side then if you're all alone. If he is doing the same thing to other girls then try to be friends with them.

Also, try to be unattractive, easier said than done, maybe he will lose all his attention to you.

And the jealousy part, that's unhealthy. Don't let him get into your skin.

As for the emotions, sport is the best way to channel negative emotions into positive feedback.

Mastering "Zombie" and keeping yourself under control, and professional at work IS your solution. Your situation is the same in many jobs where a boss takes inappropriate liberties because he has power and control.

Moving from job to job isn't always the answer as there are a lot of working jerks out there, but learning to control yourself, is only hard until you have mastered it.

It's a learning process to how best to work with those co workers, and bosses you don't necessarily like, or get along with, but a jerk is a jerk, and that will never change.

Maybe transferring to another department or taking different assignments is your answer, but keep in mind that your livelihood is what matters most in this economy, and perhaps his reviews of your performance, which you think are unfair and biased, can be formally challenged by his boss. Its called going over his head with a legitimate complaint, based on the facts of your job performance.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by paxe

I always dreamed to use a microphone in this kind of situation. Well, YOU know the law, but he may not. Even though it may not stand in court, you could still use it to your benefit and show it to his bosses or to the ombudsman.

You can also talk to other coworkers, see what they feel about him. It's easier if you have someone on your side then if you're all alone. If he is doing the same thing to other girls then try to be friends with them.

Also, try to be unattractive, easier said than done, maybe he will lose all his attention to you.

And the jealousy part, that's unhealthy. Don't let him get into your skin.

---

Great advice! About the jealousy thing... this has caught me completely by surprise. I'm having weird feelings due to the stress. As far as exercise goes, I haven't been working out lately because I've been busy with school. I'm going for a long bike ride today to de-stress. Thanks for that reminder. Of course that will help! Exercise is always the best.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Mastering "Zombie" and keeping yourself under control, and professional at work IS your solution. Your situation is the same in many jobs where a boss takes inappropriate liberties because he has power and control.

Moving from job to job isn't always the answer as their are a lot of working jerks out there, but learning to control yourself, is only hard until you have mastered it.

Its a learning process to how best to work with those co workers, and bosses you don't necessarily like, or get along with, but a jerk is a jerk, and that will never change.

Maybe transferring to another department or taking different assignments is your answer, but keep in mind that your livelihood is what matters most in this economy, and perhaps his reviews of your performance, which you think are unfair and biased, can be formally challenged by his boss. Its called going over his head with a legitimate complaint, based on the facts of your job performance.

---

You are right... running doesn't help anything. I have to protect my job. I thought I could transfer to another department but they decided to distribute the work load rather than open a new position. Paxe reminded me to exercise which will calm my nerves. I know I can get through this. I have to lay low so he attaches himself to another girl.

Hi all,
I was hoping someone else had some words to add here. I go to work tomorrow and I still feel frustrated. I'm practicing self control but can't help the steam coming out of my ears..

I got some good exercise yesterday. I went surfing and the cold water really helped. I might go dancing tonight so I'm not stewing. It's going to be difficult to display professionalism at work when on the inside I feel quite ticked off.

Thanks...

FOCUS on the work, not the people. Don't let your emotions or the behavior of another stop you from doing a great job, and having a good day.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

FOCUS on the work, not the people. Don't let your emotions or the behavior of another stop you from doing a great job, and having a good day.

---

Yes, so true. You always have the right things to say! Thanks Tal.

And don't forget sport and training, it's so important. May I suggest taking martial arts lessons? It can really help you in controlling your emotions.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by paxe

And don't forget sport and training, it's so important. May I suggest taking martial arts lessons? It can really help you in controlling your emotions.

---

I have a blue belt in Shaolin Kempo. I should leap into my boss' office all "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-like" and sub-title speak my pissed-offedness at the situation.

But seriously, you are totally right. It's just difficult to keep your cool when being treated unfairly. Your suggestions are great. I'm going to go out with friends tonight and dance. I feel so much better after the exercise I got yesterday! I'll get over this. I sure do appreciate your suggestions. Nice to know you guys care! :)

We're here for that and hopefully you'll be able to pick a solution to your problem.

Only time will ease this difficult situation. You need to be squeaky clean and if you do 'record' anything, it should be in writing in a personal journal, just in case you need it. It’s super difficult to be in this situation – I was once a long time ago – and in the end it’s inevitable that it’s the employee who suffers not the boss.

In the final analysis, he’s the boss, and unless you want to make a really BIG issue of it, you need to keep your head down and focus on your work. My advice, be nice but not cold, don’t respond to any inappropriate behaviour, let him get sleazy with the other girls. Eventually someone will complain and make a big issue of it, but hopefully, by then you will be gone.

Really focus on your work and your life outside work – try to distance yourself emotionally from what’s going on with him. He’s in the process of shifting his attention to someone else, so that’s in your favour. As for the weird feelings of jealousy – we are strange aren’t we as human beings? You got so used to his attention – even though it was negative for you – that you missed it when it was diverted to someone else!

You won’t ever be the winner here – so talk to your networks and see what other jobs are around. Sometimes it’s a sign that we need to move on.

I think it is totally understandable that you had feelings of jealousy when you saw him with the other workers only because you know in his mind he is going to reward their behavior,it doesn't sound like he has anyone really giving in yet.
I had a idea not sure if it would help if you have a hunky boyfriend show up to take you to lunch introduce him make sure he gives him the look,you know the mess with my woman I will take you out,spread rumours he's CONNECTED (ala tony Saprano)intimidation works if anything it's a good fantasy..

And OP,

YOU don't leave the working place, if anyone should be gone that's HIM!

Hi Guys,
I had an interesting day. I read and re-read your posts this morning so I felt I had the tools to get through the day. I got to work and guess who kept coming into my office with stupid questions, leaning over my desk and winking at me? By the fourth time I was ready to rip his head off. I couldn't control myself and I snapped at him. He left and I thought, great... I'm going to get it. I went into his office and discussed some work in a very professional tone and very serious but nicer than I was a moment ago.

This afternoon I had to go to the HR department to pick something up. While waiting I noticed a piece of paper which read Preventing Harassment. I moved the papers and I saw my boss' name on one of them. The other 2 had other manager's names. The paper reads.

Congratulations. You have completed the course. This will verify that I, (name of manager) have viewed and participated in the (company name) preventing harassment 2009-2010 for managers 2-hour course and I understand the contents thereof. Name of my manager and date. My boss' was dated last month and the others dated this month

Here's my question. It seems to be a general course for managers. Is it possible that someone complained about harassment and so all managers had to take the course or is it a law for managers to take this course? Either way, I am surprised that he would complete this course and still continue to behave as he does.

Seeing this paper gave me some comfort because he's going to screw up and get fired. I had a very good afternoon after seeing it!

Thanks to all of you for your advice. You helped me get through a difficult time!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by summer7

Hi Guys,
I had an interesting day. I read and re-read your posts this morning so I felt I had the tools to get through the day. I got to work and guess who kept coming into my office with stupid questions, leaning over my desk and winking at me? By the fourth time I was ready to rip his head off. I couldn't control myself and I snapped at him. He left and I thought, great...I'm gonna get it. I went into his office and discussed some work in a very professional tone and very serious but nicer than I was a moment ago.

This afternoon I had to go to the HR department to pick something up. While waiting I noticed a piece of paper which read Preventing Harassment. I moved the papers and I saw my boss' name on one of them. The other 2 had other manager's names. The paper reads.

Congratulations. You have completed the course. This will verify that I, (name of manager) have viewed and participated in the (company name) preventing harassment 2009-2010 for managers 2-hour course and I understand the contents thereof. Name of my manager and date. My boss' was dated last month and the others dated this month

Here's my question. It seems to be a general course for managers. Is it possible that someone complained about harassment and so all managers had to take the course or is it a law for managers to take this course? Either way, I am surprised that he would complete this course and still continue to behave as he does.

Seeing this paper gave me some comfort because he's going to screw up and get fired. I had a very good afternoon after seeing it!

Thanks to all of you for your advice. You helped me get through a difficult time!

---

Hey, it just shows, when you think things are at their darkest, karma rears it's beautiful head. Perhaps I was wrong (I have been known to be!! LOL), and it might be him to go and not you!

Keep your head up and glad you're feeling more cheerful.

PS In Australia it's part of the anti discrimination laws that managers have to take those courses - don't know where you're from...

Hi Gemini,
Thanks for all your advice. You have comforted me immensely! I was feeling very good today after seeing that paper. I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow. Thanks!! :)

I'm from the U.S.

Definitely Karma, it comes back to bite you in the a$$. He knows he is on a thin line, if you actually have a recording (or even better, a secret videotaping?) and some people being on your side there is nothing he can do.

So, when he blatantly is sexually forward with you, look him in the eye and sincerely ask him, "I'm thinking of taking some harrassment avoidance classes, was the class you took any good? Is it possible for regular employees to take the same class? I really think I would benefit by it."

It's critical you not sound the least but accusatory or sarcastic. Sound like you really mean it and expect a serious answer from him. Ask his advice on the best classes.

========

If he still keeps it up...

Printout a "Living with Sexually Transmitted Diseases" -type paper and have it ready for him to "accidentally" see on your desk. When you're SURE he's seen it, embarassingly pick it up, don't say anything, and make sure it's destroyed.

This should make him think twice about courting your attentions.

Fun titles you can consider:
"Syphilis isn't always a death sentence"
"The Upside of Gonorrhea"


A good "graphic" or two should help, too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by

If he still keeps it up...

Printout a [I

"Living with Sexually Transmitted Diseases"[/I] -type paper and have it ready for him to "accidentally" see on your desk. When you're SURE he's seen it, embarassingly pick it up, don't say anything, and make sure it's destroyed.

This should make him think twice about courting your attentions.

Fun titles you can consider:
"Syphilis isn't always a death sentence"
"The Upside of Gonorrhea"


A good "graphic" or two should help, too.

---

This made me laugh soooooooo hard JBeau. Thanks!! I have an idea... I'll leave a printout on my desk that reads, MEN PARADING AS WOMEN. I'll look embarrassed when he sees it on my desk. Then I'll stand in such a way as to let him catch a glimpse of the bulge caused by the banana stuffed down my pants.

But seriously, good post and good ideas. I appreciate it. Today was better. I have to be careful what I say to him because he bites back quick and I lose. I avoid his office, take the stairs, go to lunch at a different time. Today he poked his head in my office a few times just to see me. Freak!

It was so good not having him around for two weeks while he was on vacation that it was a total shock to my system when he returned. I'm going to lay low and finish with school. He's gotten no where with me in almost a year. He has to give up some time!! I think I'm wearing him out. I'm not the only one. He's always flirted and been a pig with the other girls. (No offense to your pig avatar JBeau) :D

You could just make this "fun with book covers" and make your own cover and keep wrapping it around the same meaningless book. Make sure it's in your hands anytime you pass by him.

More book titles:

"MURDER: The Perfect Crime Made Possible"

"Office Politics and the Transvestite"

"How to Win Your Sexual Harrassment Law Suit"

"101 ways to remove blood stains with common household products"

"Ex-Cons Anonymous"

"Schizophrenia - You CAN control the voices"

"The Seven Stages of Sex-Change Trauma"

"Courting the Elderly - Getting Rich and Retiring Early"


========
NOTE: The RocketPig forgives you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You could just make this "fun with book covers" and make your own cover and keep wrapping it around the same meaningless book. Make sure it's in your hands anytime you pass by him.

More book titles:

"MURDER: The Perfect Crime Made Possible"

"Office Politics and the Transvestite"

"How to Win Your Sexual Harrassment Law Suit"

"101 ways to remove blood stains with common household products"

"Ex-Cons Anonymous"

"Schizophrenia - You CAN control the voices"

"The Seven Stages of Sex-Change Trauma"

"Courting the Elderly - Getting Rich and Retiring Early"


========
NOTE: The RocketPig forgives you.

---

This is sooooooo hilarious!! They're all great. I'll have to use them all. Oh, all except the last one. He'll think I'm flirting. JBeau, this is the icing on the cake. Your sense of humor is fantastic. I'll have to try to not laugh in his face when I remember these. :D

Many thanks to all of you for your advice and being here for me. Today was even better at work!

Many blessings to you all... JC55, Rolcam, Paxe, Tal, Gem, Zip, CFZD, JBeau & "RocketPig" :)

Hehe no problem, enjoy yourself and let us know how things work out :D.

Please be on best behavior - you will come out the winner in the end. Be nice but professional. This guy is going to get in trouble eventually, and when that happens, he will try to discredit his accusers. If you've displayed good behavior, he's the one that will look bad. Just consider this good training and another life experience. (P.S. Someone should tell his wife. She should know how her husband is disgracing himself - and her. Maybe that pressure would get him to straighten out !) Good luck.

Hi Guys,
Need to vent... Had to come back to give an update on this situation... Tomorrow I meet with my boss. He's writing me up. There was a situation at work that was so out of my control but he's twisting it around like I could have done something about it and he's having the HR department write me up. I absolutely cannot believe it. He's completely lying. I had all kinds of proof but he twisted everything around. He totally used this situation to have an excuse to put something on my record so he can fire me.

I am so upset at myself because I was unable to be fake and pretend like everything is OK. I've avoided him, I've been very serious. I was not able to even crack a smile because the smallest hint of friendliness would encourage him and he'd be back in my office bugging me. Early this morning he saw me and looked at me like a sad puppy dog. I probably still had a chance to talk him out of writing me up but I thought, "Like hell I'm going kiss up to him and beg. No way!" He's been inappropriate and a needy, troubled little maniac. I'm not giving him the satisfaction. I see the other people I work with who can be phony and brown nose. I just can't pull it off. I'm not made that way.

Friday he arranged for me to go with him on an errand. He just wants to be alone with me. I didn't talk with him because I was so pissed off that he is still pulling this. Before Christmas he gave me a dumb gift and came at me to hug me. I backed away in disgust. He doesn't let up.

The problem I have at this job is that no one is on your side and you have to be very hard and tough. It's a large corporation. There's absolutely no one you can trust. The HR dept. protects the company and the people in the ethics dept. are so stern and severe in temperament and completely unapproachable. The attorneys they have overseeing the company are protecting the company as well.

I'm so nervous about tomorrow because he's going to make me sign the paper full of lies. I thought about telling him I won't sign and try to go to the ethics department. I could expose him but we'll both be fired.

OK, deep breath... I'm going in tomorrow and will listen to him. I'll write my own comments on the paper next to the ones I don't agree with. I'll continue doing my job while looking for another one. He's such a slime ball... this will catch up with him.

I just need to vent... Not sure what I need to hear.

Maybe it's time to ask him who you talk to about your forthcoming sexual harassment suit against him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Maybe it's time to ask him who you talk to about your forthcoming sexual harrassment suit against him.

---

Hi,
Thank you for responding. I am still waiting to meet with him. I have to see what is on the write up. I have scoped out a possibility of someone I can speak with. "She" is his ex-boss. She hates him. He was promoted to be my boss. This company is heavy on protocol.

My question is will they take what I say seriously? I have no concrete proof and now I will have a spot on my record. Will they try to say I am lying because he has written me up? Remember, this company will protect itself. Will they automatically fire me or do they have to keep me employed by law since I complain?

OK, going back to work... Hope to get this over with... Bye

Summer, keep a 'strong upper lip.'

Choose your responses carefully, be professional.

Something that helps me when I have to speak and respond in front of a large group may help you. In my mind I quickly calculate/formulate exactly what I want to say, I carefully choose my words and tone of voice, speak slowly and specifically.

I pause a few seconds before responding and slightly smile... not cynically but in a confident way. Confidence is viewed as strength and you should always 'deal from a position of strength.'

Also, if you are a little nervous... convince your mind to believe that this meeting is already over and it was successful. This actual meeting is just a formality.

'Right' is on your side.

Good luck, please let us know how it went.

Stringer

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stringer

Summer, keep a 'strong upper lip.'

Choose your responses carefully, be professional.

Something that helps me when I have to speak and respond in front of a large group may help you. In my mind I quickly calculate/formulate exactly what I want to say, I carefully choose my words and tone of voice, speak slowly and specifically.

I pause a few seconds before responding and slightly smile...not cynically but in a confident way. Confidence is viewed as strength and you should always 'deal from a psoition of strength.'

Also, if you are a little nervous...convince your mind to believe that this meeting is already over and it was successful. This actual meeting is just a formality.

'Right' is on your side.

Good luck, please let us know how it went.

Stringer

---

Thank you so much Stringer for responding. I really appreciate it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by summer7

Thank you so much Stringer for responding. I really appreciate it.

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You are welcome... now go handle this dipsh**.

OK-cat's out of the bag. I went in and he showed me this form with, lies of course, and at the bottom it reads basically one more false move and I'm outa there. He said sign this one and take a copy to review and you can write back back a rebuttal. I said, "I'm not letting you do this to me...I'm going to talk with someone first." I took it and left and went to his old boss and told her everything. She wasn't too surprised. Tomorrow I go to HR. Wish me luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by summer7

OK-cat's out of the bag. I went in and he showed me this form with, lies of course, and at the bottom it reads basically one more false move and I'm outa there. He said sign this one and take a copy to review and you can write back back a rebuttal. I said, "I'm not letting you do this to me...I'm going to talk with someone first." I took it and left and went to his old boss and told her everything. She wasn't too surprised. Tomorrow I go to HR. Wish me luck!

---

Good for you Summer... finally a resolution, hopefully it turns in your direction and this is over. Anguish I know, but you know that how he is, this would have just continued.

Good luck tomorrow... prepare... be ready.

Keep us posted.

Stringer