Multiple threads merged

All right, recently I've been wondering what is going on at work. See I'm in my 20s, and this female co-worker is 4 years older than me. While we are at work together, she seems to flirt with the other co-workers and myself. After work, we sometimes text/call each other or sometimes grab something to eat or run errands. She only does this with me, and no one else at work. The conversations basically consist of normal everyday conversations. Now these conversations usually always take place while the boyfriend is either gone working out of town for a few days. Or while he's asleep or working in another part of their house. They have been together for about 3-4 years, and are currently living together.

I really enjoy hanging out with this girl and talking to her, but I'm not sure what I should do. I would like to be more than friends, but I'm not sure what her feelings are about that. I'm pretty inexperienced with dating and I'm just wondering if she is just thinking of me as a good friend. I just don't understand what she's trying to tell me. It just feels odd that she would hang out with me while she has a boyfriend.

I've met her boyfriend and he's around 11 years older than her! That is a pretty big age gap in my opinion. I've only talked to him a few times but he seems normal and an OK guy. She talks about him a lot too when we are talking. She always seems to bring him up in one of our conversations either negatively or positively.

I just don't want to do anything that would make our current friendship get messed up.

Please, if anyone has any ideas on what I could do, please let me know!
Thanks

She is your friend and likes your company when the boyfriend is not around. For you to think at this point that there is a romance here - there is no romance. Please don't keep thinking there is anythine more here than a friendship. Try and find your own girlfriend and maybe the 4 of you can double date. Don't forgo a friendship with her as everyone needs friends.

I would say that you are setting yourself up for failure if you are trying to date this woman. There are plenty of women out there who are single and it might be a wise to look for someone other than your co-worker. Do you want to come between her and her boyfriend? In my opinion, I would remain friends but not go any further than that. If you like the qualities that she has then remember them and try to find someone with those qualities.

Walk. Away. Slowly.

Leave it as is is. She might just enjoy having a friend. You said her flirty behaviour is not exclusive with you at work.

She probably just feels more relaxed in talking to guys because she is not considering any dating situation because she is already with someone. She isn't hiding the boyfriend.

If you can't keep the boundaries clear, better take a few steps back away from the border.

You might be pretty close to crossing a line that you shouldn't.

Ok, after I read what you all have posted, I've been able to think more about this, and I knew that I was only just her friend and I was just making sure that I wasn't missing something she was trying to tell me. I've just been wondering why I'm the special one at work that she actually hangs out with and talks to outside of work. I think she knows that I sort of like her, but for her it seems that she likes that attention. I do not want to come between her and her boyfriend. Lots of people talk to her about her situation and give her crap on how much older her boyfriend is than her. These other co-workers tell her that her relationship isn't going anywhere... I'm not sure why they say that but it just seems that she complains about him sometimes. But I know that all relationships have trouble spots.

Other people at work keep asking us if we're dating now since we hang out on occasion.

I don't know, I think I'll just be a good friend, and maybe wait and see what happens

Ah. The wait-and-see method.

Be the good friend. However, I wouldn't be the good friend expecting that it'll be more.

All right, well lately we've been hanging out more now, and we've been talking a lot more on the phone. Her boyfriend is gone for the weekend and instead of texting me she's been calling me, and I've been calling her. Our conversations though have gotten really lame though lately. We will talk on the phone and then we'll change subjects every sentence. She'll talk about something on TV, and then I'll bring up something else, and same goes both ways. I don't mind it much, but once we're done thinking of stuff to talk about we just sort of end the conversation in an awkward way. I don't know... I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to make our conversations more exciting and so we both don't get bored.

She has a live-in boyfriend. That makes her seem pretty unavailable to me. If you're counting on this going anywhere, don't.

Yes I know, but right now I'm happy with being friends, I'm just wondering how I can make our conversations a little bit more normal and not so awkward. It's like we run out of stuff to talk about.

*** edit, sorry misread the post, small font, bad eyes.** somewhere in there I thought it said she was bi. So am editing my post to remove that



Now on the other hand perhaps she is just an unfaithful slut that wants to sleep with other men when her live in boyfriend is away, I guess my thought there is , ( does he own guns?)

Reading here, we find married ( and this is not that committed relastionshp since it is a boyfriend still) cheat all the time. So I guess it all depends on do you wish to lower yourself to that level. But sounds like she is looking for a friend when he is away.

She calls you whilst her boyfriend is away? Now DO NOT get your hopes up my man, but that's a slight indication you may have something to hope for in the future. Either her actions will lead you to be very good friends or something more, but right now you cannot approach her because she, at this point, would shoot you down.

Keep an eye out for her behaviour when he's not around and take note of that, tell us if you find anything.

OK, so today we talked on the phone again, and we got talking about her boyfriend. She said that they are people that stay home a lot and just don't go out much. She said that it is their way of having "fun". I asked her if she liked staying home all the time and she mentioned that she liked it occasionally but not all the time. She then went onto saying that she thinks it's because of his older age. She mentioned that he used to be wild and crazy "back in the day" but now he's just old and wants to stay home a lot. Now she didn't know him back in those crazy days, but I sort of can tell that she doesn't always like staying home all the time.

I then asked if she needed any company tonight to play some video games or to just have a drink and watch some TV. She passed and had chores around the house to do so when her boyfriend gets back into town, the house will be clean.

All right, It's the first day back with her boyfriend back in town. We talked at work for a bit, but tonight I tested the water. I text her once to see what she was up too, wondering what she would do while he was home. Still no response or phone call. If it were this past weekend when she was alone, she would call me up or respond in a relatively quick manner.

Also today, they had a pretty heated phone conversation. After they were finished, she said she should just be single.

Not sure what to make of it...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by qwerty108

Alright, It's the first day back with her bf back in town. We talked at work for a bit, but tonight I tested the water. I text her once to see what she was up too, wondering what she would do while he was home. Still no response or phone call. If it were this past weekend when she was alone, she would call me up or respond in a relatively quick manner.

Also today, they had a pretty heated phone conversation. After they were finished, she said she should just be single.

Not sure what to make of it...

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Nvm, I just received a call from her... her boyfriend just left and she gave me a call. What's going on? Lol

Backup boyfriend... she's living the life.

Sounds like you are the crutch she is leaning on to end the relationship with the boyfriend.

I wouldn't want to be in that spot. Now you'll have to wonder if you're going to be a rebound thing for the moment.

It just seems like she cares about me though... I told her I liked spending time with her and talking. So now she is always excited to call me and stuff and talk. I don't think she'd want to have me as a rebound.

Girls don't plan to rebound... they just happen.

Again my man,

Do not get your hopes up. I do see something in this. Either she is calling you because she trusts you as a friend OR you are the one she will come running too when/if this is over.

From the sounds of it you don't seem to mind being the "other" guy... you old dog:)

From a woman's perspective:

Just remember... If you involve yourself with her, three or four years down the road, she may "feel the need" for another friend... and you could possibly find yourself in the same situation, but on the other side.

If that's a risk that you want to take, then go for it! But as a woman, I agree with ISneezeFunny, girls don't cover their bases and plan to rebound... Good girls, that is.

Good luck!

Ok, I hear you all... I just don't know how long I want to "wait" I guess. I sort of have my hopes up right now, but I need to understand what she has going on in her life right now. She seems unhappy in her relationship this past week, but that again just gives me hope that probably will be shot down a week later. I just don't see anything really happening with her leaving him because they do live together, and she would need to find another place to live. Unless they broke up cleanly... but who knows. I just see him being to old to change his ways, and if she's not happy with those ways, then she should realize it and get out. But that's not my call.

I've been having troubles talking to this girl I work with. We have many conversations through out the day and outside of work. It just seems to fizzle out after awhile. She has a boyfriend who she lives with, and I sort of like her.

If you read my other question you can understand more about that.

But anyway, I make her laugh all the time, I mean all the time. But then we can have our own private talks and try being serious. I'm OK with those too because she does most of the talking and then I give my feedback.

We chat on the phone too every so often and we just seem to run out of things to say. We talk about our day that we pretty much had together at work, and then we talk about food and just other random things.

We also email at work back and forth to stay in touch.

What is going on? And what do you think about it?

You're her "girlfriend", and she likes the friendship, as you say she is taken, so what's so confusing?? You want more, but I doubt you get it.

Well, the past few days at work have become different in a way. We still email back and forth, but not as often, and we don't talk to each other outside of work as much. I asked if something was wrong and she just said that she's been having some financial troubles with people she's loaned money to. Not sure if that's the whole problem, but I can't really tell. She was talking about her bills, and how she's stuck right now. I don't think it's just financial troubles.

I'd like to help her out, but I don't want to get to close and friendly that I scare her away.

Any ideas what may be going on and what I can do? At this point I'm happy being friends, but if we don't communicate, I'm starting to feel sort of left out or not as an important friend.

You're starting to act like a clingy boyfriend.. . that's a problem. Just keep in mind that you're a friend to her, nothing more. If she has a problem she wants to share with you, then she'll talk to you. If not, don't prod.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

You're starting to act like a clingy boyfriend. ...that's a problem. Just keep in mind that you're a friend to her, nothing more. If she has a problem she wants to share with you, then she'll talk to you. If not, don't prod.

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Gotcha, thanks for the advice. I sort of feel like I'm too clingy at times. I just need to forget all that stuff and let her come to me. I think I'm just to friendly or sensitive at times.

I hear you. Most of us here are nice guys who care too much or give too much or would do anything to make the life of their significant others happy. That's why we end up here. Because we try too hard. We make it too easy for women.

... no more.

Your spending way too much time, and emotion, on this unavailable female, and this will lead you to being sucked into her drama. No one here knows her, and neither do you really, but its so obvious your hanging around, hoping she breaks up with her b/f, so you can have a chance. Be honest with yourself, and recognize from what you have written, these are not the actions of a friend at all. Get your life back in order, and stop the contact for a while, and do something else, besides worry about her, and her situation.

Most definitely do not get together with her. Ive dated 3 of my co-worker's and it just creates problems and tensions in the workplace.
You get close to people you work with because they are the only people around to talk to, these things rarely work out in the long run.
It just isn't worth it

I'm not looking to work there much longer, and neither is she. I'm still young and always looking for a new job in hopes of finding a career. I plan on working somewhere else in a year or 2 for sure. It's already set up. I've thought of that, but we are just good friends these days. And if something were to happen, I don't really see too much trouble while working together.

I agree one hundred percent with talaniman. Enjoy the company and stop daydreaming - it's never going to happen.

U can only do what's right for you, but I would say be aware of what could happen.

Well I found out that she doesn't really want to get married, her boyfriend had a previous wife. We got to talking more about it, and she says that she's not really wanting to get married. I asked her why, and she just said that her boyfriend is in no big hurry and she just goes with the flow. So if it happens it happens. So I was curious and asked if she would accept if he asked her today... would she get married? She said "probably, i'm young and have plenty of time." She said that they are pretty settled down because they've been together for 3 years.

So basically the furthest I'll get is friendship... right? I mean, it looks like she's satisfied with what is going on currently in her relationship. So right now I'm just having some troubles dealing with this, and trying to not think of her more than a friend.

Help me out! Thanks

Accept she is unavailable, and leave her alone, because you have feelings, and a false hope, for more than she is willing to give. No contact, will help you get over those feelings, and put a better perspective, on this situation.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by qwerty108

yes i know, but right now i'm happy with being friends, i'm just wondering how i can make our conversations alittle bit more normal and not so awkward. It's like we run out of stuff to talk about.

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You had a sexual chemistry that was flattering but now that's running its course and dying down. Result? Bloody great moments of silence when you have naff all in common - time to let the friendship die and stop kidding yourselves.

All right! This weekend I just flat out told her I liked her. Thankfully she didn't go nuts and freak out and tell her boyfriend to have him come and kill me! I sent it to her in an email over the weekend and she was hesitant to respond. Today she finally responded and just let me know that we were just good friends. That's all I needed to hear! Weight has been lifted and now I know where I'm at in her life. She said that I was a great guy and that I would have no problem finding someone to care about and to love. She said that she hopes we can remain friends and still talk, email, hang out, etc. She told me that growing up, she hated girls, so she didn't have any girlfriends. So she was always around guys, and just hanging out with them. I told her that was the one thing that made me really think she was something special. She told me not to be afraid of talking to her or telling her how I felt.

Although I still enjoy her qualities, I still need to move on and get rid of the feeling that I still have a chance with her. I hope we can still be friends while not thinking about her as as more than just a friend. Let me know what you all think! Thanks

All right, check out my previous post on my co-worker relationship before going any further.

All right! This weekend I just flat out told her I liked her. Thankfully she didn't go nuts and freak out and tell her boyfriend to have him come and kill me! I sent it to her in an email over the weekend and she was hesitant to respond. Today she finally responded and just let me know that we were just good friends. That's all I needed to hear! Weight has been lifted and now I know where I'm at in her life. She said that I was a great guy and that I would have no problem finding someone to care about and to love. She said that she hopes we can remain friends and still talk, email, hang out, etc. She told me that growing up, she hated girls, so she didn't have any girlfriends. So she was always around guys, and just hanging out with them. I told her that was the one thing that made me really think she was something special. She told me not to be afraid of talking to her or telling her how I felt.

Although I still enjoy her qualities, I still need to move on and get rid of the feeling that I still have a chance with her. I hope we can still be friends while not thinking about her as as more than just a friend. Let me know what you all think! Thanks

Ok, so this female friend I work with, she has a boyfriend. We are really good friends... do I get her a Valentines gift? And if so, what do you recommend? Remember she does have a boyfriend. But do friends give each other stuff like that?

NO. Don't do that, it's unnecessary. Valentine's is for people who are together or are courting. She has a BF so at best, you're in the process of trying the steal her away. Yes?

If so, Valentine's Day is irrelevant. You need to be courting her every day, but not with Valentines stuff, that's just confusing.

On the other hand, if you've made no overt attempt to let her know you want her to quit her BF and be with you, then V.Day may be the way to do it, but don't be "friends" in the content. Make sure your intentions are clear.

If you are really just friends, stick to buying coffee.