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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

NO. Don't do that, it's unnecessary. Valentine's is for people who are together or are courting. She has a BF so at best, you're in the process of trying the steal her away. Yes?

If so, Valentine's Day is irrelevant. You need to be courting her every day, but not with Valentines stuff, that's just confusing.

On the other hand, if you've made no overt attempt to let her know you want her to quit her BF and be with you, then V.Day may be the way to do it, but don't be "friends" in the content. Make sure your intentions are clear.

If you are really just friends, stick to buying coffee.

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Yeah, I really like her, but she already told me that we're just friends. But she keeps throwing mixed signals at me all the time. I told her I liked her, so she knows. But I think she just wants to be friends. That's fine... I was just wondering about if she would be expecting anything on V-Day.

I offer to buy lunch and go out for supper, but most of the time she declines. Which is telling me that she's not interested. But when we talk, she seems really open and seems interested in me. So I don't know, let me know what you all think!

No, no gift. No flowers, no candy. You can get her a friend to friend card but nothing more. She already has a boyfriend and you are her co-worker and need to keep that relationship as it is.

Normally I'm a hopeless romantic and would say go for it. But in your circumstances, her being a co-worker, and already turning you down, I would say Nothing's necessary. The mixed signals your receiving is probably the fact that she's flattered by your interest. I wouldn't waste my time.

Valentines are for sweethearts, not co-workers, or friends.

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But when we talk, she seems really open and seems interested in me.

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AS FRIENDS, that the limit of her interest, the rest is you being smitten and hoping for more. FRIENDS that's it.

Don't go there. She has a boyfriend, and he might feel inclined repay the compliment with a knuckle sandwich.

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Originally Posted by roogirl

Don't go there. She has a boyfriend, and he might feel inclined repay the compliment with a knuckle sandwich.

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Good point here. Have you ever thought of how the boyfriend feels about some male friend, who shows a lot of attention to his woman, especially if they work together?? There are many partners here on this forum, who are quit upset on the attention there partners get from co-workers. Leave this alone, please.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Good point here. Have you ever thought of how the boyfriend feels about some male friend, who shows a lot of attention to his woman, especially if they work together??? There are many partners here on this forum, who are quit upset on the attention there partners get from co-workers. Leave this alone, please.

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The thing is Talaniman, she doesn't talk to him about our friendship or even much about me. She probably wouldn't want him knowing about it either. Like when she calls when he's gone, and only does stuff with me when he's gone. If she were to talk to him about us, she would probably get some of the blame. She seems to not mind my behavior towards her.

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She seems to not mind my behavior towards her.

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Why should she?? All she has to do is tell him, its all on you, and she is clear of blame. Think about it!! She only is your friend when he is not around, and is soooooo open to you at work. She obviously doesn't want him to know about you, and her role in this. Further, she KNOWS full well what your feelings are. You want more, and she uses your willingness to believe that false hope, will keep you close as she wants you to be, even after she told you that she is involved, and unavailable to you, as a romantic partner. Yet you still pursue in the name of friendship, yeah, right. Get a clue guy, and back off, if you can't enjoy the friendship, with some dignity and decorum, leave her alone. Get you a female you can have fun with, and enjoy getting to know, she ain't it.

I wouldn't do it. Knowing that she has a boyfriend, it isn't a good idea.

Ok, its been a few weeks now, and now she's been texting and calling me on a daily basis. I would just want to get over how I feel about her. I told her I might need some space, but she just seems to ignore how I feel and keeps calling and wanting to talk to me. When she calls I like listening, but to be calling everyday after we've worked 9 hour together.. That's a little much isn't it? It seems that it's more of an obligation to talk sometimes too because we don't always have stuff to talk about. I told her that I want to get over her but again, she seems to ignore it and keeps leading me on in a way.
Let me know what you think!Thanks

Stop taking her calls. Or be busy when she calls. Being brief and unavailable, is how you make her lose interest, since telling her to stop isn't working.

Got to spread before giving it to tal

I'm thinking this girl now knows you like her, and is enjoying the love from both her boyfriend and you. Since she's told you how she feels, put up a barrier and be you. Treat it like a rejection and move on.

Querty, Querty, Querty,

You've done gone and resurrected this thread eh, thought this one was buried.

I got to say, good for you for accepting that she is leading you on, although I must say everyone saw this answer coming before you asked. Also, a while back you said you were fine with being her friend and it obviously has not played out that way, you got yourself emotionally attached my friend.

If you can't handle the friendship thing than listen to the above posts, BE NICE, BE POLITE, you do work with her and so talking to her at work for 9 hours should suffice in showing her you are her friend, just try to set the boundary that this friendship, at this point, cannot extend to post-work hours.

I must say I really think this girl is flattered you like her and that's why she leans on you. Although I give her credit for not being rude or letting you down hard, she seems like she does want to be your friend, even if she's leaning a bit.

Do what you mentioned today, that's a good plan and next time try to focus on a girl that has no boyfriend, your chances go way up if she's single:) Jokes, jokes.

Overall, you took a shot and hopefully you learned a lot.

Friend or no, she must respect the boundaries YOU set.

Yeah, although I would like more than friendship, I need to realize that she is sort of using me to just have someone to talk to. Again, I don't mind listening, but it's a little extreme when it's a few times a day. I feel wanted/needed when she calls, and I think that's what she wants me to feel. Like I'm her friend and that she's doing me a favor... but really she's just messing with my head. I can't pursue a relationship any further than friendship right now, but when she calls and wants to talk, I feel like she wants to be more than friends. But knowing that she told me, she just wants to be friends, means that I can't make any moves.
I think space would be good for about 1-2 weeks maybe... just talking at work during that time, and then see what happens after that time. It may be really hard for her to get over the fact that we can't talk after work some days. It will make her think about what she is doing to me and our friendship relationship.
More advice would be appreciated! I like reading what people have to say!

Don't put a timeline on it. Time should have no bearing on what you need to do. If it takes 2 weeks to be comfortable enough to be her good friend than fine, if it takes 2 years, that's fine too.

I think by saying after a week or two your still clinging to some hope that something will change (plus your writing seems to suggest you have not given up all hope, despite what you've been told... sorry). You do it to get over it and if you can't get over it than you continue to do it until you get over it, days/months/years... whatever.

Hope the last line makes sense, lotta it's involved:)

Yeah, I'm still clinging a little because it seems that she doesn't want to let me go in a way. I tell her I want some space but she calls me and wants to talk. I don't want to let her go either in a way but if I want anything to happen, she needs to make the first move... meaning breaking up her current relationship. Then go from there. The reason I believe she is still with him is that she lives with him and she loves the 2 dogs that he has. Other than that I'm not sure what she thinks about him, other than she complains about him. I know it sounds like I'm going backwards on this issue, but just empashizing some main points before I throw all hope out the window!

No,no, those are not main points, they are very,very irrelevant and foolish points. Open the window realllll wide and chuck it.

Not to sound rude, but seriously read it back to yourself. Your main points are that she is only with him because she lives with him?? (probably a reason for that I would hazard to say) and she loves to the 2 dogs?? (guess she could not take them with her) Never met a girl who would marry a guy or live with him because of dogs.

If that's what your hanging hope on than I think it already escaped through the back door while you weren't looking. STOP the madness, let it go.

That's what all females do when they yap to their GIRLFRIENDS!! That's what she is using you for, because she has no real females to talk to. My gosh man, throw hope out the friggin window already, and stop being her g/f. Real men do not let some female control their thoughts and actions. Take man action, and be to busy for that BS.

Lol... Rarely, if ever, have I ever seen T-man get animated about a situation. BANG ON!! That post applies to a lot of posters these days.

Now that I think about it, that's exactly what you appear to be. Her boyfriend should be thanking you for being the shoulder to cry on while he holds her hand around town.

Your better than that Querty, C'MON.

Yeah yeah, I hear you... I do need to man up and not let her control me like this. It's getting to a point were I am now starting to see what has been going on.

Thanks for the input... thanks for giving it to me straight too.

Haha, we've gone about 2-3 days without emailing or texting and it feels pretty good. Today I just texted her seeing what she was up to. She called me, and we chatted for awhile. She talked about how her and the boyfriend were having a heated conversation earlier in the weekend. She didn't really want to expand on it, but it seems like he is wanting her to pay more rent, and he wants to rent out her garage space to a friend... seems odd to me for some reason. She's the one who buys most of the groceries, and he eats it all. She said she's getting a little fed up with what has been going on.

I was just there to listen and give my 2 cents. I wasn't forward in telling her exactly what I thought about the whole situation. Even though she knows how I feel about it already.

Just thought I'd give a little update... feel free to chime in your thoughts! Lol

Ok, the priceless advice ahead of me hasn't phased you, so here's my paltry $0.02. Maybe it will be just enough to tip the scale.

I'm going to tell you what my female "friend" told me when I expressed my undying love for her after I had spent 10 years coping in solitude with my feelings for her in a situation the same as yours. I mean after all, you don't break up with a true friend right?

She cocked her head to the side, snickered, said "Wow, you're really a glutton for punishment!", and smiled.

Do you WANT and NEED to be a glutton for punishment? That's where you are headed, if not already there. You are her girlfriend. Everyone here has told you so and what to do. If you continue your course a deep, dark, pit of misery and despair awaits you.

You've been warned. Thank your lucky stars you found this site when you did and MOVE ON!

Just thought I'd post something to get this thread to the top of the list. I like hearing what people have to say. Lol it gives me something to read!

We've started going our separate ways now. I don't really feel that attached anymore either. We still text and email all the time, but friends can do that. I want to hang out and maybe go to a movie or get something to eat, but she seems to just not want to do that. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to lead me on or something. She says its because her current boyfriend has issues with her having other male friends. That could be true but I'm not sure.

If you set the boundaries and she is forced to rely only on her boyfriend maybe she will realize that possibly she is missing something in her relationship that she comes to you for. You could be doing her a favor if she sees you are not there for her to fall back on.

Just be careful Querty.

You are mentioning "friends" quite often. In reality your not friends, she IS your friend, you are PRETENDING to be her friend. Make sure your not keeping contact with her by fooling yourself into believing your just buds, that can hurt you.

When you get over you crush and you can speak to her with no thoughts of being with her, then and only than can you be considered friends.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

If you set the boundaries and she is forced to rely only on her bf maybe she will realize that possibly she is missing something in her relationship that she comes to you for. You could be doing her a favor if she sees you are not there for her to fall back on.

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I think I am doing her a favor in that aspect. It's just weird... one day, she'll want to talk and have a good time at work. Other days, she just seems to hate being there. We still talk, but it seems that everything in her life isn't that great. But who's life is great all the time? Nobodies.

Some days I feel like just being invisible to her. I want her to come to me. It used to be me wanting and maybe even begging for her attention. Now it's interesting to see what happens when I'm not that needy, and searching for her. I like to see what she does.

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Originally Posted by BMI

Just be careful Querty.

You are mentioning "friends" quite often. In reality your not friends, she IS your friend, you are PRETENDING to be her friend. Make sure your not keeping contact with her by fooling yourself into beleiving your just buds, that can hurt you.

When you get over you crush and you can speak to her with no thoughts of being with her, then and only than can you be considered friends.

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I might have to admit that's true. But since we're still co-workers, it seems that it's the easiest way out. She knows how I feel, yet she is still not doing anything about it. Lately she has been treating more like an adult, rather than someone she just fools around with and leads me on. There is not much of her leading me on anymore which I appreciate. It's more straight forward stuff, and no mind games. So that is helping me quit the pretending and just moving to being true friends.

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Originally Posted by qwerty108

Some days I feel like just being invisible to her. I want her to come to me. It used to be me wanting and maybe even begging for her attention. Now it's interesting to see what happens when i'm not that needy, and searching for her. I like to see what she does.

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I have noticed a lot lately that people act on their moodiness more than anything.
If she is into you one day and ignoring you the next it sounds like she is going a lot on how she feels at any given time. I quit basing my life on revolving around others moods.

Walk away, going out with her would cause so many problems

Lately I've grown to accept that we are just friends. My feelings I thought were strong towards her, yet she had a boyfriend who is 11 years older than her. I told her that I'm no longer going to ask her to do stuff because lately she has been just saying "no" and making excuses. I told her that she has to make the first move if she wants to hang out. But this past week, she invited me to hang out at her place while her boyfriend was gone. I thought that was cool and we would have some fun. I accepted, but she then just told me that her dogs would kill me. Her dogs?? She has been asking me to do stuff some days, waiting for me to accept, and then slapping me in the face with some lame excuse.

A few nights ago we were at a bar together with other co-workers. She had been dating a fellow employee 4 years ago. Now I knew they were good friends a few years ago, but that night she made it a point to tell me that they had been dating. She seemed really into this guy that night, and sort of made me jealous. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I know she's a little older than me, and she has a boyfriend. And having her current boyfriend was one of the main reasons she didn't want to hang out with me. Am I just getting the wrong impression here? Is she the one with the problem? I try to be a nice guy, and I may be clingy sometimes, but I'm always there for her. Then she just keeps rubbing her relationships in my face. Which makes me want her more than a friend. I'm not sure the details of their past relationship, but I just know they were really good friends and had lots of fun together. Do you think I should maybe ask her how that ended? I know I can't be her only friend, but does she really need to keep acting this way?

Sorry dude, she sounds like trouble. She is playing cat and mouse. She will let you go then grab you by the tail and pull you right back in.

I know, its really hard too. The past few weeks her boyfriend will be gone all week and then come home on the weekends. During that time when he is gone, we'll call each other and text each other till she goes to bed. And that's after we worked all day together. It's just getting hard to move past this. I really really think she's a great person. It's not only her looks either.lol

Sigh... if she is talking to you and sending you text messages all day and specially before you go to bed, that makes it even harder. You might just have to ask her what the deal is with you two. She will either say you are just friends and she enjoys your company or things might start leaning more your way

I have told her I liked her. She kept up the flirting and texting. And then I told her again that I still have the same feelings for her. After I told her the first time, she just said that we were friends but still wanted to hang out with me. I figure if we still are friends, that leaves the door open in the future too. But if she keeps shooting me down to hang out. What am I supposed to do. Its like she just wants that attention. But I want that attention too. I've been trying to not be the one who is texting first... she'll text me 1st during the week, and then I'll respond. That way I'm not the one always making the first move. She even purchased more texts because we've been texting the past few months. I know she gets calls and texts from past bfs. And yet she tells me about them.

Its not her its you. Be responsible for your own actions as any real man would have left her alone a long time ago, and not play her game of flirt and confused.
So far this has been explained to you, but you still follow the perfume. Friends? Be real, not on your life.

Ok. Here's what I think you need to do. She likes to play games with you. Well let me tell you a secret many girls have told me, they like when we play games too. They don't want you too easy to get. When texting, find an appropriate time to where she is the last one to send the message. What that does is that it will make you mysterious and she will be forced to think about you. You can't do it too much or you will be shady, just do it every so often. Just enjoy the moment, cause its almost like you have a g/f, except for you are saving money by not having to buy her stuff and dinners.

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Originally Posted by the_gentleman

Ok. heres what I think you need to do. she likes to play games with you. Well let me tell you a secret many girls have told me, they like when we play games too. They don't want you too easy to get. when texting, find an appropriate time to where she is the last one to send the message. What that does is that it will make you mysterious and she will be forced to think about you. You can't do it too much or you will be shady, just do it every so often. just enjoy the moment, cause its almost like you have a g/f, except for you are saving money by not having to buy her stuff and dinners.

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Yeah, I've tried that. Or maybe try not answering a phone call maybe? Do you think I should call her back that night? Maybe just a little later? I don't mind buying her stuff. If we go out to eat, I'd gladly buy. Like when we went to the bar, I offered to buy her a drink, she declined but then later got one from her ex. I asked her why she didn't want me to get her one, and she just said that she didn't want one at that time. That's acceptable, but it just threw me off I guess. I have money to spend, and I would say I'm doing pretty well for myself for my age. So its not the money issue. Ne other ideas?

She's a tough one! Sounds like more of a friend relationship though. You are making the efforts and she is taking them and not giving anything back in return, but sees nothing wrong with it. It might just take time. Keep doing what you are doing and hopefully she'll come around