My best friend recently told me that he has been in arelationship with my ex wife and they are getting married. He invited me to be the best man. What do I do?:confused:

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Originally Posted by catsman_123

My best friend recently told me that he has been in arelationship with my ex wife and they are getting married. he invited me to be the best man. what do i do?:confused:

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She's your ex-wife so I don't know that it matters much who she marries.

Assuming you want to maintain some sort of relationship with both of them - I wouldn't be too happy if my best friend hadn't shared this with me some time ago - I would go, smile, be happy, wish them well.

On the other hand if you can't do the happy face thing, politely decline but expect to lose your friend.

This may sound horrible but I have a saying once your man always your man or in your case once your woman always your woman another man's ex is still considered off limits because I feel that is stepping on toes there. I would not pick up a ex on any of my friends

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Originally Posted by nitelight198073

this may sound horrible but i have a saying once your man always your man or in your case once your woman always your woman another man's ex is still considered off limits because i feel that is stepping on toes there. I would not pick up a ex on any of my firends

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I don't know that anyone is disagreeing with you but the question is in this situation (which I appreciate you will never be in) what would you do?

I don't agree with the "once your woman, always your woman" part. People go their separate ways, people divorce, that relationship is broken beyond repair.

I am most definitely not my ex-husband's "woman."

Dam that's pretty harsh I would never hook up with a friends ex! But anyway I think you should say no to his request and loose both of them

Hmmm if it was me, it'd be my ex-best friend now... and no way I'd turn up... it'd be too painful... too awkward...

Be a friend and show up... She's your EX wife; if your friend can handle the history then you should be happy for him. Be the better man ;)

As long as there are no hard feelings toward either one I agree with the others saying be in the wedding. When my ex got remarried and people asked me how I could cope with talking to her I told them ''More power to her if she can live with him''
There doesn't have to be any hard feelings unless you let there be.

To me, the problem here is that you knew nothing about the relationship until they were already engaged. This means your "best friend" has been dishonest with you for as long as it's been going on. Now, he has put you on the spot by springing the news on you and asking you to make a decision.

I think if they truly wanted all this to work out, the would have been more upfront with you. I think about how important my best friend is to me, and I would never put her in this situation. He should have talked to you before they went out for the first time - not so much for "permission", but out of respect for you.

You have not told us anything about your relationship with your ex. Are you friends? If so, then the same goes for her. Do you hate each other? Then it would be disingenuous to stand up at her wedding.

When it comes to friendship, only you can decide what crosses the line. When we accept people as our friends, we have to accept their shortcomings as well. So in this case which is greater - the friendship or the transgression?

I agree with jjwoodhull
Maybe if you talk to your friend, find out why he didn't tell you and then decide from there? I think it would lead to a better understanding between you both and would guide you to the right decision. But, after all do what you feel comfortable with.
Good luck!

I have to agree with Jose & Black, Ex's espeacially someone u were married to should be off limits to your best friend.

Does not matter if u are still married to that person or not u too share a histroy together and your best idssupposed to be loyal to your side and your pain of ending the marriage, not go an take your place.


THere is something sneaky here, are u sure they were not having an affair while u were still married?

I have gotten rid of so-called-best-friends for reasons much smaller than this.

YOur "best friends" not only does not respect your boundaries he did not even consider your feelings towards all this. He didn't consider if u would want to attend the wedding at all---much less be his best man!!

If u dig in, u will see a lot of areas where your "best" friend may have betrayed u. Like started a rumor about u to your Ex, or then wife.. who knows what...

Sounds like a sneaky, underhanded person who can keep it secret who they are daitng from their closest friends much less who they are about to marry.

Don't go to the wedding. Try to look for a new best friend.

Watch out for more sneaky stunts by this person.. in the future!!

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Originally Posted by blackvy

hmmm if it was me, it'd be my ex-best friend now... And no way i'd turn up... It'd be too painful... Too awkward...

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Amen!!

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Hmmm if it was me, it'd be my ex-best friend now... and no way I'd turn up... it'd be too painful... too awkward...

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AMEN!! There's an unwritten code. As your friend, your ex wife should have been off limits. Just my opinion.

Thanks all for your input. I think I will go to the wedding and keep my best friend

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Originally Posted by catsman_123

thanks all for your input. i think i will go to the wedding and keep my best friend

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Not everyone is going to agree but I think in this situation you're the bigger person!

I had just gave birth to my ex-fiance's son when my best friend of 10 years came to me and told me she was in love with my sons father. She wanted me to be OK with it. But he left me when I was 4 months pregnant and to my knowledge... they hated each other. She hated him for putting me through that. Its been 4 years and I am remarried but it still bothers me. We are no longer friends and my ex signed away all of his rights to my son and my husband now adopted him.
Anyway... my point is... everything happens for a reason. If it makes u un-easy... don't go. If you are totally cool with it... go. Just do what you think is best.

Good luck!

I don't think you have any issues with getting over it or whatever - it's just weird when you've been married to someone and now they are marrying your best friend. It's uncomfortable to bring these two intimate relationships together - you can no longer be candid about this significant relationship in your past with your best friend, and being asked to be best man is - well, a very weird request.

What to do - say "no" to being the best man. Send a lovely card to your ex-wife wishing her well and telling her your glad she is finding happiness and moving forward (if you feel that way). Shake your buddy's hand and wish him well. Decline the wedding invitation, do not be the best man and do not explain your reasoning. They are clods if they cannot figure it out on their own.

Be cordial when you see them, but what's important is your comfort level. If you aren't comfortable around them, don't be around them... that simple.

I truly don't think your best friend is a best friend any longer, I'm sorry to say. Best friends have some boundaries, and marrying your ex-wife is so bizarrely off course, you just shouldn't have to be asked to deal with that. It isn't because you still have feelings for her or whatever- that's not what it's about. It's about being able to have your best friend, while moving on from your ex-wife, and not having your confidences shared with either of them exchanged between the two of them.

I say, be done with them both graciously, but quickly!

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

As long as there are no hard feelings toward either one I agree with the others saying go ahead and be in the wedding. When my ex got remarried and people asked me how I could cope with talking to her I told them ''More power to her if she can live with him''
There doesn't have to be any hard feelings unless you let there be.

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Here here.. I agree.. my child's father and I are best friends now and me and his fiancée are real close. And he and she are in our wedding... we are ex's for a reason and we made the best of it.

If he started dating her after the marriage was over... then... well he should have asked your permission to do this. Nonetheless you sound like a civil and enlightened person and your friend is not being sneaky or deceptive with you. He loves you and asked you to be his best man. You and your wife weren't right for each other... I am sure you've found someone better. Just wish your friend the very bet of luck and accept his offer to be best man. That will score you huge points in everyone's mind and kind of make you a hero.

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Originally Posted by prague202020

If he started dating her after the marriage was over... then... well he should have asked your permission to do this. Nonetheless you sound like a civil and enlightened person and your friend is not being sneaky or deceptive with you. He loves you and asked you to be his best man. You and your wife weren't right for each other... I am sure you've found someone better. Just wish your friend the very bet of luck and accept his offer to be best man. That will score you huge points in everyone's mind and kind of make you a hero.

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This question is from 2008!