Ask Me Help Desk - Lost and don't know what to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lighterrr

great insight and thought God is so in you, his light shines always. Yes their is definitely someone out their for you, someone better, someone like your soul mate who will complete you on a soulful level.

good luck 2 u

Thank you very much :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Thanks Joe,

Much appreciated. Just spoke to her, told her she can do what she wants and I'm not gonna force her into anything. Last thing I want is to force someone to marry me. She lost it as usual, threatened to kill herself and hung up, and turned her phone off. There is nothing I can do.

Yes, we are going to counseling with my church pastor because we wanted him to marry us, but when we go there, she makes it out to be that I'm the bad guy and I did so many things wrong. I never bring up her anger issues or anything about her because I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad, but on the way home, she starts on me again, feeling horrible about herself and by the time I get her home, its a full blown fight, she slams the door in my face, throws things, breaks up with me and cries herself to sleep. In the morning, she says she is sorry and didn't mean for all that to happen, but she just can't do it.

This seems like a never ending cycle, but I don't know if I can end it with her. I still love her, and I know she loves me, and she finds this hard and therefore can't do it. She just yelled at me on the phone because she feels like I'm not supporting her and that I don't love her, but its quite the opposite. I need her to support me, because with the way she is now, I don't see her marrying me, and if she does for some reason, I don't see her staying for more than 2 weeks, judging by how many times and how easily she breaks up with me.

I'm lost because I love her, but I don't know what to do.I can't leave her and it doesn't seem like she can marry me, so where does that leave us?

Are you SURE you want to spend your life with this girl? She is so immature and is going to be HIGH maintenance. I would sit her down and say, here's the deal...

I love you, you say you love me.

However, these temper tantrums are deal breakers. I will not marry you as long as I feel the need to walk on eggshells to avoid your wrath.

We need to find out what is REALLY behind this behavior and make it stop.
I'll support you in your efforts , but only if you treat me with the dignity and respect that I give you.

Your outburst are not acceptable.

I don't think anyone has ever really been tough with her. Diva needs to be taken down a notch or two.

As far as a wedding goes, the actual wedding is SO not important. It is the marriage you need to think about.

I wrote post #42 BEFORE I had finished reading the rest of the posts. You don't have to give her this ultimatum because you are already separated. My guess is that she will come back though. In that case, I'd tell her what I wrote about in my previous post. Good Luck!

Thanks a lot for the advice, and that is a very good script. I think I might use it if she does come back. She does keep trying to call and e-mail from time to time, saying she is sorry and stuff, but I'm going to give it more time and see if she settles down too.

But the speech looks good... could come in handy... Thanks :)

She is not ready to get married. It has nothing to do with you. She may have a fear of being the center of attention, or be overwhelmed by the prospects of planning it, or just not feel ready to settle down. IN any event, she's not communicating with you and she has no self-control over her emotions and resulting behavior, so you flat out cannot marry her.

Break things off and leave the door open if you really love her - not to stop her from killing herself or whatever. If she makes that kind of a threat, call her family and tell them that you're worried about her but are not going to remain involved.

Just tell her, "I'm ready to get married but when I do marry, I want the person I am marrying to be thrilled about every aspect of it - I want to enjoy my future wife's excitement about our family's coming together, being blessed in the church, our future, her dress, picking bridesmaids - the whole thing. When it's an ordeal, it feels like I'm forcing you into a horrible thing, and it should not be horrible to marry me.

I also need to be with a woman who has more control over her emotions, and can discuss things without getting so angry. I'm not saying that you are wrong for handling things your way, but it is not a way that I'm comfortable with and I cannot live with it for a lifetime. I do love you, but we need to like each other and build each other up, and both want the same thing in life to stay together, and we just don't." Anyway, you get the idea... be clear and give her all the information so she can have some closure and move on. Just don't act spiteful and if it turns into an argument, end the discussion, leave, and send her a letter.

Wow!

Thanks a lot! That was really good.

Well, she argued with me again yesterday, said some pretty horrible things which I'm already used to hearing, and she said its over, so I just let it at that and didn't say anything to her. Its been a whole day, like 24 hours, and no contact.

If there isn't any more contact for a few days, I will send her a letter outlining the things you said about how I need a woman who is excited to marry me, because you are very right, I feel like I'm such a horrible person and it's the worst thing in the world I'm asking her to do to marry me.

She does have some issues to sort out and some things to deal with, so I will try to leave the door open for as long as I can, but if I don't hear anything from her for a while, I will just take it as she has moved on and we were not mean to be.

Thanks again :)

I wouldn't keep that door open too long... sometimes, it's best to be done and start fresh. But now that you're on a hiatus, perhaps don't make any decision except that you want a break - you're in charge now, not her. If she contacts you tell her you don't want to talk through things right now, you just want some time. Then really take that time to think without her being around. Go out with your family and friends, do what you enjoy doing without her. The answer of whether you want to try again will come to you but know it's unlikely she can change enough, and sustain that change long enough, for you to be fulfilled with her. Best wishes!

Thanks, and yeah I won't keep the door open forever. I mean if she needs such a long time to decide if she is going to be with me or not, after a 2.5 year relationship, something is wrong.

I will go out and do what I want, take care of myself, and see what happens. I have my doubts if she will come back, but even if she does, I don't want to go through this again, so I will be very cautious and careful not to get hurt again. Thanks

I think that deep down she just may not want to marry you due to underlying issues from a child hood experience or maybe she is just not ready, some people are never ready. And you love her, but would you rather be in pain for a few months to a year then find someone sane and be in love for the rest of your life? Or spend your life struggling, cause that's what sounds like will happen. You have christianity on your side and I think that is a great way to find a good mate, and keep your marriage strong. Good luck with everything!!

Wait till you get to see the real her after you get married. And are with her 24 / 7.If you want to live like that the rest of your life like that fine. But if you have kids they will think her behavor if normal because that's what they see evryday. So keep in mind the future. Show her you have feeelings to and like a read above your not a doormat.sounds like you are a easy going guy. Sometimes you have to show your back bone, and man up.She's acting that way because you're letting her. Stop it! Or nothing will change. Good Luck! I feel for you.