Ask Me Help Desk - Groom's Parents Cannot Attend The Wedding

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

The Obamas may well attend, we don't know. ;)

I get regular email updates. I'll mention it to Michelle.

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her parents, her siblings

Isn't the wedding to be held on the island where her parents live? Seems like they are a captive audience and the only ones with no traveling expenses.

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As for the training, I was being sarcastic. A man shouldn't have to be trained to cook, clean and do laundry, any more then a woman is.

She is from birth on. Males tend to be hunters-killers with housework and cooking beneath them. (Researchers still find that is the case. Many don't even put their dirty clothes into the hamper.)

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The fact that the OP brings it up shows that she thinks that the future wifeypoo should be doing all of this

Now you're getting creative.

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Having said that, it's not through age but through knowledge that wisdom is acquired.

I've got you there too. You just happen to be wittier than I am.

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I've got you there too. You just happen to be wittier than I am.

Tsk, tsk. WG, never assume, it makes an a$$ out of u and me. ;)

You may have me on book smarts, I'll give you that, but never underestimate my smarts, I's gots them. ;)

I think we've discussed this issue to death. We've all given our opinions, in the end it changes nothing.

The OP has a few choices. Go to her sons wedding at the possible expense of her business. Go to her sons wedding leaving the business in someone else's capable hands. Miss the wedding. Insist that the wedding date be changed (which probably won't end well).

In the end, the choice is hers and hers alone.

All I can do is wish her the best of luck and hope that whatever decision she makes, she can live with it, no matter what.

WG, still adore you. You know that. :)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Tsk, tsk. WG, never assume, it makes an a$$ out of u and me. ;)

I'm not assuming. I KNOW you are wittier! You give me some of my best chuckles here at AMHD.

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You may have me on book smarts, I'll give you that, but never underestimate my smarts, I's gots them. ;)

Would never dare to underestimate you. Otherwise, Stringer would drive over to my house and... who knows what he would do.

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I think we've discussed this issue to death. We've all given our opinions, in the end it changes nothing... Insist that the wedding date be changed (which probably won't end well).

I don't think "insist" is the operative verb here. I too wish the OP well and a good resolution.

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WG, still adore you. You know that. :)

And I you, Alty. You are the sizzle in our AMHD steak.

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And I you, Alty. You are the sizzle in our AMHD steak.

Just remember, I like it medium rare. ;)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Just remember, I like it medium rare. ;)

You are definitely rare, Alty!

I hope the OP returns to give us more info and updates. (This is my feeble attempt to keep the thread on task and not have it get shut down by a roving velvet-hammer-carrying moderator.)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You are definitely rare, Alty!

I hope the OP returns to give us more info and updates. (This is my feeble attempt to keep the thread on task and not have it get shut down by a roving velvet-hammer-carrying moderator.)

I hope she returns too, reads the new posts with an open mind.

I may sound harsh, that's not my intention. I'm just stating what I feel. Sadly, the thread is based on feeling, not fact.

If we had facts then we could give a definite answer, but alas, it's opinion, only that.

There are about 10-15 of the bride's and groom's young friends invited to this wedding. There are no invitations to aunts, uncles, and cousins. The only family invited are the brides parents and brother and sister (with 2 kids) and her grandfather (most live on the island where the wedding is to be - no travel or accommodations expenses), us as the groom's parents, and the groom's two siblings. That's it. So likely to be no more than 25 to 30 people max at this wedding, counting bride and groom and their two young children.

Almost any other month except November and December would be acceptable for us to get away. Indeed, we go away for two weeks nearly every February, as our store is "dead" that time of the year - $40 to $50 thousand gross sales and not the $250 thousand gross we have in December alone... see what I said about it being our busiest time. No matter how much someone is trained, they can never be prepared for that type of busy. I have only one other full time staff besides our own family that can look after the opening and closing and can train one more to switch off if we all had to go away for a wedding in say, February , March, etc. It is all the stock that needs ordered and is coming in the hundreds of cases and the Christmas gift tray assembly area, and the 400 to 600 plus customers daily that need attended to that is our concern.

If one of us gets sick (I go in and do my jobs anyway unless I am extremely ill which is never), there is the other one of us partners to cover for a day or two. Thank goodness we have never had an accident but were my husband and I to get hurt (or both of us) our son and daughter could manage quite well as managers as they have been trained since very very young as they both can do orders, run tills, check off freight, run the accounting and office, and all the other jobs dozens of jobs a business owners does. The nature of a family business is that family runs it... that's how many many small businesses operate. However you must remember, Altenweg, that these 2 people we know are trained to run the business and step up if we need them to, are the groom and his sister. Our third child (away at college right now) is also very capable of running our store if we were both to get into a car accident and had to come back to help in an emergency. But remember he is going to this wedding as well. So as responsible business owners we are remaining with our business and letting our two other children attend the wedding of their brother. From looking at the list of guests, we realized that it is nearly all their young friends with only the two sets of parents invited (and we only know our son's few close friends going), so it is not like we would be celebrating our son's wedding with any of our own extended family members and friends anyway. Hopefully they will change their minds and have a function for our families and friends and neighbors once they are married and back here.

Yes, Wondergirl, I did train my son well. He has been doing all his own laundry since he was young and many other jobs as well. He enjoys cooking (this has developed more over the last four years,) but I am only concerned, Altenweg, that he may come to a "breaking point" as he works all day at our store, heads home, makes supper, does the dishes, the laundry, tidies up, often running around vaccuming after. He learned all this from his mother and father and not from the bride. The bride is a stay-at-home Mom who only just recently started working 6 hours a week at our store for three hours one evening a week (while we babysit) and for three hours on Sunday afternoon (again we babysit). We need extra staffing now but chose to give her the work rather than hire someone else for several reasons - she wants some time away from the kids, we like to spend some time with grandchildren, and she needs the extra funds to put away for wedding flights, etc. Our son works at the same time.

When we are at their home babysitting, I often do the counter full of dishes while I take care of the two children, and I do other tidying up as well. I play with the kids at the same time, keeping them in my sight at all times, and bring toys, etc. into the kitchen as I do the housework. The little boy (aged 22 months) "wipes" plastic dishes for Gran... that sort of thing that we busy mothers incorporate into learning and being with children while we get all the jobs done that we need to. We know that the bride puts away the laundry back to dressers and does some general cleaning up but looking back to my past as a young mother, I worked full time at my business when my youngest was just days old, with an 18 month old and a 3 year old. The baby was at the store office for 10 months as she was being nursed and the other two were in daycare from 8am to 5pm. Then I rushed home, made supper, bathed kids, did storytime and playtime, bedtime routines, then did laundry and housework until the wee hours of the morning, and started it all over again at 7am. Our sons and daughter all learned to help early on, with all manner of jobs, as they saw my husband and I work TOGETHER AS A TEAM, whether it was at home or at the business. I have known this girl since 2004 and she has rarely helped me do dishes at our home after we have cooked them a meal, although my son grabs a dishtowel. Often if our son invites us for a meal, he prepares all the main dishes with usually a salad made by the bride. I usually end up drying dishes while our son washes up and the bride sits in the livingroom with the kids and my husband. And these meals are usually after my husband, son and I have already worked a full day at our business. She has never once in four years made a meal for us that is ready when the three of us are finished work! I am not a mother who is protective of her "little son".. he is a man who can look after himself. Rather I am seeing some potential problems down the road because there appears to be very little teamwork going on as there was in our family where there was always "give-and-take' and all of us still participate whole-heartedly in each other's well-being. Our son appears to do a lot of the giving in this relationship and there is no way that I will ever see that as healthy!

We have been married nearly 30 years, and we are in our mid-fifties. Back then my preference was to elope but my husband's family was Catholic so I went with their wishes and did a small church wedding with around 80 to 100 family and friends. Our date was chosen based on when the priest had the next available Saturday free. It is the marriage and the relationship that are "the big stuff." The wedding is small stuff. Sometimes it seems the bigger the wedding show, the less effort is put into keeping the marriage healthy.

Yes, we have communicated to the bride and she is, in her words, is "very firm" on the date so we are moving on, with not "sweating the small stuff." A wedding is small stuff compared to the effort and years put into a marriage. How many seconds does it take to say, "I do?" We told our son and his bride-to-be that we are the lucky ones as we get to be involved in their day-to-day lives, and so far, be around to see grandchildren growing up, so we will leave the pleasure of the wedding day to her parents who have only seen the little boy twice and the new grandaughter never. Our son totally understands the difference between a wedding and a marriage; we are just not sure that she does. We will just have to hope for the best, and pray that she will learn to be a team-member after the wedding is over. By her own admission, she was not raised in that atmosphere herself as the father was nearly absent from child-rearing and the mother was "a heavy-handed parent". I have letters from her from a couple years ago when she was pregnant with the first child that she hopes to be half the mother I have been. She is just not willing to take any of our advice on the wedding date issue, so we are accepting of that. I just hope she will listen on other issues, if a conflict arises, as we have seen "flashes of self-interest," and an unwillingness to compromise.

Thank you all for your interest in this issue. It has been interesting reading all your opinions, which in the end, has settled down my heart, from feeling upset about being pulled in two directions, and guilty about having to make the decision we have had to. So I am at peace that all will be fine with our son and our loving relationship as he is a very mature young man. It seems the wedding itself is not that important with him either; he said when the idea was first formulated by the bride, he doubted that anyone would be able to afford the time and money to go so far to see him get married, and that it didn't matter if there were just them.

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Originally Posted by thumb

There are about 10-15 of the bride's and groom's young friends invited to this wedding. There are no invitations to aunts, uncles, and cousins. The only family invited are the brides parents and brother and sister (with 2 kids) and her grandfather (most live on the island where the wedding is to be - no travel or accomodations expenses), us as the groom's parents, and the groom's two siblings. That's it. So likely to be no more than 25 to 30 people max at this wedding, counting bride and groom and their two young children.

This and everything else you wrote puts me firmly on your side to stay home with your business during that exceptionally busy time of year and find a way to celebrate the couple when they return home to your area.

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thumb disagrees: I think the two sets of parents might have been consulted as to a date. This wedding is small - only parents, siblings and less than a dozen friends.

My post was opinion. I even cleary stated that it was opinion.

Please read the rules. You cannot disagree with me because of my opinion. Nothing I said was factually incorrect because, as stated above, everything I said was my opinion.

I am curious, since the bride is "firm" on her date - does she realize that her in-laws may not come? And if so, has she voiced an opinion on it?
And what does your son say?

As some one said earlier - you have two clear cut choices: go or don't.
I can most definitely see why you have your hands tied.

I think that this is a problem, when it doesn't have to be.

Who's needs are being met here, with the wedding being in December in a far away place. Not the groom's parents, obviously. The business runs the way it runs, and Christmas is what makes the money to hire the son, and (to be) daughter in law, and other family members. It also has made the money to buy them a house, have available babysitting, and the flexibility to hire someone in advance to cover the work that the son won't be doing while the couple is off getting married. That costs money, and they aren't paying it, the parents are.

Where did the money come to pay for the wedding, the flights, the reception, the dress, etc. Isn't it rather expensive to fly at Christmas as well?

The bride's parents needs are being met. The wedding takes place where they are. No loss of business, no long expensive travel bills.

If my son, and his future bride to be announced their wedding would be during a time they are totally familiar with knowing is the busiest time for me, and impossible for us to attend, I would laugh and say, "Are you kidding me?" It would never happen in the first place, my son is much more reasonable and considerate than yours; and I doubt that he could care less what month the wedding takes place in.

And let's face it. They own and home together, they have two kids, and everything they need. Considering that many marry before they have kids, and struggle to buy their own homes, they have both been extremely fortunate to have had you and your husband in their lives. I don't know a single couple who had a ready made source of support such as what you have provided.

I'd be inclined to say, consider the house and free babysitting for so long, to be your wedding gift. Your son should grow a pair, and your daughter in law should get off her high horse and be reasonable here.

Just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I think that this is a problem, when it doesn't have to be.

Who's needs are being met here, with the wedding being in December in a far away place. Not the groom's parents, obviously. The buisness runs the way it runs, and Christmas is what makes the money to hire the son, and (to be) daughter in law, and other family members. It also has made the money to buy them a house, have available babysitting, and the flexibility to hire someone in advance to cover the work that the son won't be doing while the couple is off getting married. That costs money, and they aren't paying it, the parents are.

Where did the money come to pay for the wedding, the flights, the reception, the dress, etc. Isn't it rather expensive to fly at Christmas as well?

The bride's parents needs are being met. The wedding takes place where they are. No loss of business, no long expensive travel bills.

If my son, and his future bride to be announced their wedding would be during a time they are totally familiar with knowing is the busiest time for me, and impossible for us to attend, I would laugh and say, "Are you kidding me?" It would never happen in the first place, my son is much more reasonable and considerate than yours; and I doubt that he could care less what month the wedding takes place in.

And let's face it. They own and home together, they have two kids, and everything they need. Considering that many marry before they have kids, and struggle to buy their own homes, they have both been extremely fortunate to have had you and your husband in their lives. I don't know a single couple who had a ready made source of support such as what you have provided.

I'd be inclined to say, consider the house and free babysitting for so long, to be your wedding gift. Your son should grow a pair, and your daughter in law should get off her high horse and be reasonable here.

Just my opinion.

Thumb, I am in complete agreement with Jake here. I am on your side in you wanting to run your business, and in thinking that it was inconsiderate for the daughter in law to expect the primary money-maker in her future husband's life to shut down and lose thousands of dollars, possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars.

But, I am in complete disagreement on you coming here looking for help, and compassionate alliance for your problem, and misusing the rating system just because you disagreed, or your feelings were hurt, by OPINIONS only. This site has rules, you should learn, and follow, them. You have disrespected two experts here, just because you didn't like what they told you.

If you want genuine help, and realistic opinions, you should be a little less sensitive.

Opinions are like armpits, we all have them, and we think that everyone else's stink.

You must take the bad(what you are afraid to listen to), with the good( what you think is right, because it's YOUR opinion too).

Jake2008 agrees: Seems a bit bass-ackwards to ask for advise, then reddie it. Everybody should read the rules about that. I know I screwed it up when I got here, could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd just read them.

I did too Jake. Ask J_9 about it.

At least it wasn't MY post, and I was looking for HELP.