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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Good! Stick to it too. And remember, this is for you AND her. It doesn't seem that way, but it might just be the thing that forces her to take a look at herself. I hope so.

You and I both know you will hear from her again. Remember, no contact. Don't respond, even to tell her you will not answer her.

You didn't tell me yet - is she like this with others, or has she been this way for a while? Is there a pattern?

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She feels like a failure because she is 28 this year and doesn't have a career and still studying.. she lives at home with her mother and lives from paycheck to paycheck. She doesn't have friends because she works by herself and she doesn't make friends with people easily. She lost contact with her old friends and blames that on me. She gets mad at anyone who tells her what to do, or gives her advice. Her mother was looking forward to the wedding and wanted to invite some of her friends, but she went crazy and fought with her mum. Everyone she knows is scared to mention anything to her, is walking on eggshells because everything sets her off. Even my parents are scared of her and don't dare ask her any wedding questions. They ask me and I say I don't know, because even I don't want to ask her, it will just set her off.

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

she is so bad

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She says "I am so bad." That is called shame. Guilt is "I did a bad thing." Shame is "I am bad." Something happened to her a long time ago to cause this feeling of worthlessness in her.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She says "I am so bad." That is called shame. Guilt is "I did a bad thing." Shame is "I am bad." Something happened to her a long time ago to cause this feeling of worthlessness in her.

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She has had quite a bad past, starting with the death of her father when she was 5, and since then, its been horrible. I will not go into detail, but she has had major problems and things happen to her, and I mean MAJOR. She became a Christian a few years ago and thought she left that life behind her, but its still in her head and it has an effect on her today.

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

She feels like a failure coz she is 28 this year and doesn't have a career and still studying.. she lives at home with her mother and lives from paycheck to paycheck. She doesn't have friends coz she works by herself and she doesn't make friends with people easily.

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And all that only adds fuel to the fire of worthlessness. In fact, she probably sets it up, makes them go wrong, so she can live a self-fulfilling prophecy that things will go wrong because she isn't worth it.

Well she wasn't always like this... ever since I stepped into the picture apparently... according to what she says... so since I'm out of her life now, she should do better

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Well she wasn't always like this... ever since I stepped into the picture apparently... according to what she says... so since I'm out of her life now, she should do better

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Don't blame yourself. From your earlier post, the death of her father might have been the catalyst that started this rollercoaster ride. You are one of the good things that has come into her life, but, since she believes she is a bad person and isn't worth having anything good in her life, she has to get rid of you too, or make it seem like she is.

I don't really agree with that... I mean there have been times in her life where she thought things were going fine, she has a job, was studying, had money, friends, but she was lonely, wanted to have a relationship, but when I came in, all of a sudden, she got sick, lost her job, lost contact with her friends, got a job which wasn't good, didn't pay much and she didn't study as much because she didn't have time. It seems like I was the poison that came into her life and killed everything and she had to get rid of me to save her life.

I've always had a low opinion of myself, but for a while I thought I was good for her, like I made her happy. Then things went south, and no matter how much I tried to help, things got worse.

I can only hope and pray that without me in her life, she will be happier and be better. Her happiness outweighs my own...

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

I don't really agree with that... I mean there have been times in her life where she thought things were going fine, she has a job, was studying, had money, friends, but she was lonely, wanted to have a relationship, but when I came in, all of a sudden, she got sick, lost her job, lost contact with her friends, got a job which wasn't good, didn't pay much and she didn't study as much because she didn't have time. It seems like I was the poison that came into her life and killed everything and she had to get rid of me to save her life.

I've always had a low opinion of myself, but for a while I thought I was good for her, like I made her happy. Then things went south, and no matter how much I tried to help, things got worse.

I can only hope and pray that without me in her life, she will be happier and be better. Her happiness outweighs my own...

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Things could have been going fine. A self-esteem problem doesn't run 24/7. You, being such a good and positive thing, might have become the catalyst so that all had to become bad in her mind. Don't think of yourself as poison. I truly believe she has shame issues from something in her past.

Do the no contact thing and see what comes of it. Talk with the pastor too.

Thanks will do... funny... we were meant to go sign the Intent to Marry forms tonight with my pastor, but I guess there won't be any need for that then. I will just go talk to him for my own piece of mind. Thanks a lot for the advice.

I will try my best to maintain the no contact rule. I did pretty well the first time, no contact for a month, but she had a phone then and was trying to call me.

This time she doesn't have a phone and thinks I'm in the wrong, so I doubt I will hear from her again, but we shall see... Thanks again

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

This time she doesn't have a phone and thinks I'm in the wrong, so I doubt I will hear from her again, but we shall see... Thanks again

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You'll hear from her again. Trust me on that. I send you huge doses of courage to maintain no contact.

Btw, I remember you from earlier days here on this site and have only good thoughts about you. I'm so glad you have been working on conquering your own demons! Would that we all do that!

I went back in your posting history. Aaaaaaaaah. Last October 3, simoneaugie answered you with this: "Her trouble with your sisters is because one of her buttons got pushed. She has an unresolved issue of pain or shame. Ideally, she would talk to you about it, (your sisters about it) or get some therapy to get it out in the open and talked about.

If she does not confront what is really going on with her, this issue will rear its ugly head again.

Just an opinion."

Someone here recognized her problem back then. Now I feel better and stand by what I said here tonight.

Yes, u are right, we have been here before, and it does seem to be a loop. When I broke up with her in Jan, that was it.

Then she came back and was being better, got closer to God, saw my family and was okish with my sisters too. Things were going well, then this happened...

I guess she keeps falling back into this state she is in now... she may come out of it for a while, then goes back in. I guess she has to sort herself out

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

Yes, u are right, we have been here before, and it does seem to be a loop. When I broke up with her in Jan, that was it.

Then she came back and was being better, got closer to God, saw my family and was okish with my sisters too. Things were going well, then this happened...

I guess she keeps falling back into this state she is in now... she may come out of it for a while, then goes back in. I guess she has to sort herself out

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So let's get off the rollercoaster for a while and see if that helps. After all, you and I both want to help her find herself and be okay again. It's tough love time. Are you ready?

Oh, yeah - what about your families? What will you say to them?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So let's get off the rollercoaster for a while and see if that helps. After all, you and I both want to help her find herself and be okay again. It's tough love time. Are you ready?!

Oh, yeah - what about your families? What will you say to them?

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Yeah I think I've had enough of this ride...

She just sent me an email saying since the phone is broken, and she is cleaning out her room, will probably sell the ring and move away.

I believe this is what she will do, because she has done it before to other people in her past.

Oh well, there is nothing I can do to stop her. I love her, but I can't control her and what she does, so if this is her decision, that's what's he is going to do.

Tough love will turn out to me no love because she is really going away, but I guess its time.

I think both families will be sad about this. My parents and friends will be shocked by this, but her friends will be a little happy I guess because they didn't really like her being with me, but her mother will be sad about it, because she did like me a lot, but she will be used to her daughter's behavior. Oh well. Nothing left to do here...

Lots left here. You talking to your Pastor... Improve on yourself and letting her go.

Take the steps.

Joe

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Lots left here. You talking to your Pastor... Improve on yourself and letting her go.

Take the steps.

Joe

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Hey Joe, thanks

When I said "Nothing left here for me to do..." I meant like nothing left for me to do in the relationship. Its well and truly over now, and after talking to my pastor last night, I realized there were too many issues and problems, not just with her, but with the whole relationship. I was wrong a lot and didn't do the right thing either, but now when I try to do the right thing by her, it seems like its too late.

Anyway, I'm going to try to do more things for myself now. No contact will be hard, but it has to be done. Im sure she will realize what she has lost in time and that she needs help, but I can't wait around for her, hoping she will get better. I have to do what's best for me.

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated

Anytime, I am glad I was able to help out somewhat.

I am also glad that you spoke with the pastor and He gave you some insight on the situation as well.

I wish you the best in your future.

Talk to you later,

Joe

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

I was wrong alot and didn't do the right thing either, but now when I try to do the right thing by her, it seems like its too late.

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It sounds like you would never have been able to totally please her and were shot down from the get-go.

Yes, continue to work on yourself. I'm guessing there are wonderful and amazing adventures ahead of you!

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It sounds like you would never have been able to totally please her and were shot down from the get-go.

Yes, continue to work on yourself. I'm guessing there are wonderful and amazing adventures ahead of you!

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Hmmm you could be right there. Like in the beginning of the relationship she could see herself with me for a long time, like she could even see herself marrying me, but all that has changed now. I guess this happens sometimes, people's feelings change. I tried my best to make her happy, and I know I was good to her, just not good enough.

I shall work on myself, try to get closer to God again and get my life to where I want it to go. I'm not sure about the adventures ahead of me, but its good to know my life doesn't end when she left. Hopefully there will be someone out there for me.

Thanks for your support and encouragement. Take care. Peace

Great insight and thought God is so in you, his light shines always. Yes there is definitely someone out their for you, someone better, someone like your soul mate who will complete you on a soulful level.

Good luck to you