I have had a lot of problems in my life. Most of them are just with myself. I don't know who I am at all. I'm having so much trouble just living life. I could never commit suicide, however I think about it everyday. But I could just not do it to my mom and my family. I would never make them go through that. I don't have a lot of friends because I have no confidence and when I talk to people I'm not comfortable with I feel really awkward to the point where I just want to walk away. I have one best friend and we will be friends forever. He is so much better than me though, he has a lot of friends and all the girls. He has problems but he gets through them and always finds a way to be happy. I don't understand how we are so close but we just are. We see things the same way I guess. I always have so much on my mind and I just want to get it out but I have a hard time doing it. I'm fine when I'm alone, or with family. Then I don't let a lot of things bother me as much. But I think a lot and am always trying to self reflect. I just have a really messed up mind and have a hard time dealing with the simplest things. I drink a lot to cope with my problems and sometimes stupid drugs but I don't want to hear it about that because I have already looked for help on here. I just can't live this way. Sometimes I just think, I'm just going to see what happens in life, let's see where life takes me, but it scares me. I feel like I'm two different people sometimes. I can't handle the way I think about things. I want to let life take me wherever, I want to make a difference somehow, I want to live a good life, but I have no motivation at all and I am just so lazy. I know teen years are hard, but there is definitely something wrong with me. I've tried so many different things to get my mind of stuff. I am real into UFC fighting and I even joined a gym to learn how to fight, but I stopped because of the stress of school and money. I try to play my guitar, I try anything. Nothing ever works for me. I have seen a therapist before because of depression, but it really didn't help. I just want to live life and have a good time. I thank anyone for taking the time to read this. I've been wanting to get this out for a long time.