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Do you think that you should tell your parents everything? Are there something's,that's its all right to keep from them? I'm confused should you tell everything even if it will make them get mad? Should you always ask them for permission to do things?
What are you doing that you're not wanting to tell your parents?
Generally when a kid doesn't want to tell the parent something it is because they know the parents are not going to like it.
Is this about this boy you're dating who wants to have sex?
No just thinking about everything and wondered if I had of talked to me da if things would be different. Now thinking there are things I keep from him not because I'm not aloud to do them but I worry how he would react so feel its better to,say nothing at all but then I think am I just going to,cause more problems by not telling him. Feeling confused and over all the drama between me and me da. No it's not really about me boyfriend. I just feel like I keep a lot from me da and after everything that's happened I'm confused weather it's the right thing to talk to him more or just not if that makes sense .
Open lines of communication are very important. It doesn't matter if it's between children and their parents or between couples in a relationship.
Parents are are there to teach you right foprom wrong and teach you how to make responsible decisions in life. If you don't have an open line of communication, you will be left wandering and wondering if what you are doing is right or wrong.
Should you tell your parents everything? No, but there is a fine line between what tou should tell them and what you shouldn't.
The he problem here is that you have already ruined the trust your father originally gave you. Then you compounded it by continuing to be disobedient.
The questions you ask can be answered differently dependent on the actions of the child. In your case, you have to be transparent. You are in desperate need to earn back the trust of your father. Therefore, you can't keep anything from him, and you shouldn't have to if you aren't doing anything bad.
I guess there are things I haven't told me da about and I feel like I want to talk to him but if I do Im unsure how he will react. It will probably just cause more problems.
I haven't told ma da about dating I should have told him I suppose I probably should have even asked. I didn't want to because I think he would not have said yes. But now things are getting complicated and I think I should have told him but if I do now then who knows what he will be like. I really hate not living with me ma makes it so hard, I don't want to hide things from me da but he's not the easiest person to talk to especially about boys. He's so judgemental no understanding I suppose everything I've put them through make him always,think the worse.
Are you still seeing the counselor?
Therefore, you can't keep anything from him, and you shouldn't have to if you aren't doing anything bad.[/QUOTE]
I don't think I'm doing anything bad! I just haven't told him about certain things because of how he will react. I love being with me boyfriend I know he wouldn't want me to, so I didn't tell him. I don't think having a boyfriend is wrong. I haven't told him I quit one of me jobs because he would be mad but I needed the time for studying. It's complicated I guess I'm just making it more harder for myself.
I don't want things to be this way so I should just be honest with him about everything or will this just make things worse. It's not really a big deal I think I'm just thinking too much he won't find out guess I'm just feeling a little guilty
Yes I am still seeing a counsellorQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Yes, you should have asked tour Dad about dating. Now you have yet another secret to hide. Another reason to be in trouble. Another reason for him to be mad at you.
If you asked your father about dating and he said no, you abide by his wishes.
You ou say your Dad is judgmental, but haven't you given him reason to be? I bet he wouldn't be like that if you weren't so difficult and defiant.
You ou are going to have a very hard life ahead of you and, truthfully, I feel so sorry for you. Your father is trying to raise you to be a responsible person, but you defy him every chance you get. At this point, I don't see a very happy future for you. Harsh, yes, but honest. You are going to live a very hard life unless you start following the rules exactly as set forth b
And what will happen when he does find out? You know he will, he always does. He isn't as stupid as you think he is.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Have you talked about this with the counselor?
Your right I know I have given me da every reason to be judgmental. I just don't want him to be that way forever. If I didn't do the things I did then he wouldn't have a problem with me dating, and I know I should have asked I just know he will make his decision based on the past and I feel that's not fair I'm not that same person. But I guess I'm not showing I've changed much by not being completely honest with him.
If he finds out I know I'll be in trouble. So much trouble makes me cry just thinking about how messed up it is. God I am so stupid I just keep making stupid choices
No I guess I only just started thinking about it recently.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
You say you aren't the same person, but you haven't done anything to prove that. Guess what. You ARE the same person. You are still lying and still going behind his back. While you may not be getting into the same kind of trouble, your behavior hasn't changed.
You are making change, but not enough to be trusted. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you are lucky you have him as a father. If you were my child I would be driving you to school, sitting next to you, and never let you out if my sight. You don't deserve trust because you haven't earned it.
It's hard to hear that because I feel like I have changed but I guess me da sees it the same way you do so maybe I haven't. I would like to be able to tell me da things but worry about how he would react but then that's me fault for what I've done. I've created this whole situation and I don't know how to get out of it with out everything blowing up in me face
If you changed, why are you still lying and going behind his back? If you HAD changed you would be working on having him trust you again, but you aren't. It doesn't matter if you are lying about drugs, lying about a boyfriend, or lying about the last time you pooped. The fact that you are still lying proves you haven't changed a bit. you haven't changed.
How ow do you get out of this? You break up with the boyfriend nod you do everything that is asked of you without arguing. It's not going to be easy, and it can take a long time. But it's all up to you.
Personally, I think you like the drama and you enjoy making your father mad, because if you were really as miserable as you make yourself out to be, you would be doing more to make your life less stressful. Don't blame this on your dad, it is all your fault and, until you change your behavior, you deserve everything you get.
Heck, you aren't even my child but you are giving ME gray hair!
People judge others every day all the time... everyone does it... its never going to change.
The people complaining about being judged ALWAYS seem to be doing the very things they should NOT be doing and yet think everyone should approve of them.
Fact is... Actions have consequences, you are going to be judged by others every day until the day you die... and you will even be judged after your death.
You can't avoid it... but you can minimize it by doing the right thing... and behaving as you should. Or you suffer the consequences for them.
If you think you have it hard now as a teen, just wait... the world is very unforgiving and without mercy to adults who behave the wrong way.
This is one of the Key things your father is TRYING his best to teach you. That you apparently don't really want to learn. And you are rapidly running out of time.
I don't like drama between me and me da. Things have been going really well we get along I do as he asks I don't argue. What more could I do. I'm not lying I haven't told him any lies I just have not told him everything. He's never asked me if I have a boyfriend and I've never told him I have. I've just been thinking lots after me boyfriend wanting to have sex and everything else I feel guilty, like this isn't the right way to be doing things and I don't want things to get bad. I don't want me da to go off at me.
Big decisions should always be discussed with your parents. Sex, school issues, boyfriends, friends, parties, drinking, drugs, those sorts of things. If it can have a negative consequence, you should tell your parents about it.
I know it's hard to tell your parents everything. There are things that we, as parents, won't like. When we get mad it's because we love you, we don't want you hurt, and it hurts us that you're thinking of doing something, or have done something, that can put you in danger. It makes us made that you're not smart enough to keep yourself safe. But that's part of being a teen. It's why teens aren't allowed to make big decisions, because they're not mature enough, or smart enough, to know the consequences and make wise decisions.
That's really hard to talk to me da about everything. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend and he won't find out anyway unless I tell him. I don't want to break up with me boyfriend I love him.
What more am I suppose to do for me da to give me a chance. I take the stupid medication which I hate, I go to counselling, I babysit for them I do me chores and help without being asked. I go to work and even give me da money to help out. Me grades have really improved I'm getting a's now and without me boyfriend tutoring I wouldn't even have achieved that. It's frustrating to think that even though I've done everything he wanted me to if I ask him if I can date I know he'd say no, so I don't ask and date but I can see that that just might now make things worse.
Your parents need to know anything that will, potentially, affect your health and safety.
Other than that you can use your judgment.
If you love your father then based on the past situation (as you mentioned in this post), you should NOT be hiding anything from . You know why? Because he is your father and he means no harm to you and is more responsible than you are. You are at the age where having a boyfriend who appears to support you in your life sounds responsible enough but it is clearly not. You may not know how things will turn out between you and your boyfriend in the time ahead. You can make your life good by the decisions you make and here you can make one bright decision if you tell your father about the boy you are dating.
Secondly, if you believe that your father will never get about your relationship with him then again, it is uncertain. Not telling him the truth just because of the fear or doubt of his reaction, is a poor thought. If you really care about yourself, your father and your future then being a good daughter will be the beginning to be a good human being. If you really want to earn his trust then first become trustworthy. In the present scenario, you are not worth a trust because you ARE lying to your father.
Okay, so you are saying that you are improving. Well, are you sure?
Listen dear, life has many challenges ahead and it is in your hand to turn those challenges into opportunities. Good luck!
Yes and no.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Your parents are your guardians until you reach the age of majority. They're responsible for you and your welfare. Any information they can use to better your health and welfare should be shared. For example, sharing that you're on birth control would be important. You don't need to share what you're on birth control or the fact that you've been having sex. More is better but you also run the risk of getting in trouble for it.
As for asking permission to do stuff. Within reason I suppose. Going places? Yea, so they know where you are. IE, going to the mall. Buying stuff with your money? Mostly no.
In the end it is a judgement thing. Ask yourself if you think that yourself, or anyone else will get hurt if this information isn't shared.
Please remind me. Isn't this the tutor your dad found for you? And now he's your boyfriend, too? How do you date? He takes you out and spends time with you under the excuse of tutoring you?Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Your father should definitely know you are dating. What if something were to happen? He would have no idea where you are or who you are with.
Thanks I guess I already knew I should have told me da some things already. It's hard to except that I need to listen to what decisions me da makes for me, I know he will do what he thinks is the right thing. But it's hard when I feel,the decisions he makes are based on things I have done in the past. But I only have me self to blame for that actions consequences thing! I really don't want to break up with me boyfriend he has been a great support and friend I don't want to lose that. If I ask me da if I can date him though it won't turn out good I already know that he doesn't want me to date until I'm older. So that's not going to happen and I definitely can't tell him that we are already dating already god no.
Anyway thanks for the advice has really helped, I thought I had been doing well but I can see that I'm still making the wrong choices and doing what I want to do, not what is the right thing to do. Guess now I just need to figure out what to do. Either tell me da about me boyfriend or just break up with him. Argh so hard
Oh god yes this is the tutor me da found for me he is actually a family friend and yes he is me boyfriend now. No when he's suppose to be tutoring me he does me grades improving show that. We go out after me da doesn't mind us hanging out after. He lets us go to the movies or just hang out. He probably wouldn't be to happy about it all if he knew we were dating.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
How will your dad feel if/when he finds out this trusted family friend he hired to tutor you is dating you? Have you and your tutor talked about this?
I know he going to be pissed at me. Like I said he doesn't want me to date until I'm older probably thinks ill end up getting pregnant or something that's how much he thinks of me. I don't really see what the big deal is me da knows his family me da and his are real good friends. We talked about it talked about telling me da he thinks we should have told me da he feels like he's betraying his trust but I know da will say no so I convinced him not to say anything. Stupid now I look back just cause too much dramaQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
How old is your tutor/boyfriend?
What if you and your tutor asked your dad to sit down with both of you, you two tell/show how much the tutoring is helping you in school, and then ask your dad's permission to date each other (your tutor being a good influence on you)? Or not a good idea?
He's only a year older than me. I'm not so about asking him what if he says no then I have to break up with him if I don't then I'm lying to me da and he will be more likely to keep an eye on us. It's complicatedQuote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
To make matters worse, you are considering birth control and having sex with your father's friend's son, i.e. your boyfriend.
You need to slow it wayyyy down before your life is more complicated than it already is.
I've just made things way to difficult. No matter what way I look at it it's not going to turn out well. I'm not going to sleep with him I already decided that I don't think I'm ready and after reading everyone's posts I'm kind of too scared too. I don't know why I keep on making things so complicatedQuote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Is it possible your dad engaged him as a tutor, knowing your ages were similar and that you would start to like each other? (Dads aren't totally stupid.) And maybe he'd be okay if you dated this hand-picked guy whose family your dad knows well?Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
I've pushed me parents too far me ma couldn't handle me behaviour so she sent me to live with me da. Now I've done some messed up things while living with me da. I'm trying really hard to improve me behaviour and I feel like I have, I'm working through the issues I have that I was trying to hide from by taking drugs and partying. I didn't want to lie to me da and I don't like going and doing things behind his back either but I want to be able to be normal experience normal things like have a boyfriend. I know I've gone about it all the wrong way. I just know me da would have said no and if I had of asked he probably would have made me get a new tutor because he wouldn't have trusted me. I know from what I have done in the past I don't deserve him to have trust in me.
I really like me boyfriend he keeps me grounded helps me see things in a different way I know he's not happy that me da doesn't know about our relationship and I don't feel good about it either I guess that's why I asked me question. If I tell me da that we are dating he's not going to be happy. If I ask me da he will just say no then if I continue our relationship I would be lying and he would find out because he would be more aware that I like him. If I don't say anything then he will probably find out anyway he has already nearly caught us making out, then it will just make things between us worse. I really don't know what to do I don't want to break up with him and I don't know if talking to me da is just going to make worse, but I guess I better deal with it now especially since things are getting serious Thanks for all the advice always helps me see things from an adults point of view.
I don't think your boyfriend is the issue at all, but the lousy relationship between you and your dad is the whole problem here. You're right about one thing, and that's you have been a handful so far, and I doubt that changes anytime soon, but you really have to get over that going behind your parents back because you are afraid they will deny you what you want. They probably will object and strongly, but the consequences have to be greater, if you don't at least let them know before you just do it, don't you think?
You are already aware of how your "boyfriend/tutor/make out buddy" feels about the sneaking around, so dragging him into your sneaky little drama just isn't fair at all. I'm like Wondergirl though, your dad and stepmom cannot be oblivious to the possibility of the two of you being attracted to each other, and it's only a matter of time before they find out, and lose faith in BOTH of you.
Maybe you have shown some improvements in your behavior, but just consider changing your approach to your own father, and a good start would be accepting his AUTHORITY whether you like it or NOT. Whether you get what you want or NOT! At least give him the respect of asking before doing, and accepting NO as a result.
You are in no position to make demands anyway, so live by dad's rules, because that will change dramatically in two years so practice courage, and self discipline until then, and play it straight. Bet your boyfriend agrees, just ASK HIM!
What is your general attitude and behavior at home and around your dad? Crabby and grumpy and sad-faced and not talking and bi+chy and uncooperative and eyerolling and sighing audibly? OR smiling and hugging him and chatty and cheerful and helpful?
Would I want you to be my daughter?
Thanks for the advice your totally right, I,do just do things behind me da back because I think he won't like it and I want to do it so I haven't changed much that way still doing what ever I want not caring. It does just make things worse and me get in trouble, I suppose it makes everything else I'm trying so hard to do seem pointless. It's hard to accept his authority or even accept him as a dad when for the majority of me life he hasn't been around and then for the last two years he tries to be a freaking super dad. Anyway I'll get there I hear the advice ask me da even if I think he will say no and do what he says. Dads rules, authority, respect not going to be easy.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
You've been posting here for a long time, all your issues, all your struggles, asking for advice. We've given you that advice. You seem to accept that advice, seem to want to take it, say you will take it, and then shortly after that you post again with more struggles, things we've already covered, and again we have to talk you into listening, and you say you will. The thing is, if you were really listening and taking the advice given, you wouldn't constantly be posting about new issues!
It's frustrating.
Your dad is your dad, he's your parent, you're a child. You may not think you're a child, you may think that you're mature enough to make your own decisions, but if you look at all your questions here on AMHD, it's obvious that you're not ready to make any decisions about your life, which is why you need to listen to your dad!
Until you're 18 you are in your dad's care. He decides when and what you eat, what you wear, if you work, what school you go to, if you're allowed to date, when you go to the doctor, which doctor you see when you go, what medication you take, whether you're allowed to go out, and everything else! That's the job of a parent, and it seems that every rule he has, you go against! Then you come here asking how to get around those rules, and when you're told that you can't, you're all complacent, promise that you'll comply, and then bam, yet another post about the bad behavior you want to do that you know is not okay!
Get it together kid! Go back to every single one of your numerous threads, read every post in them, and actually listen to the advice given! You're not stupid, so stop acting like you are!
Me general attitude and be have or at home. I do what I have too, I do me chores, I babysit when they want me to I go to work, I do what they have asked me to do. My attitude I don't complain I'm definitely not perfect but there ain't no point arguing with me da he is very strict I either do it and not complain or be punished so I just do it. I'm not cheerful, hugging chatty type of person well at least not at home anyway. I don't talk much unless they ask me stuff then I answer. I tried talking to me da all normal like but I didn't know what to say. Sounds stupid right but I don't feel like I should be in this house its his family and I'm just intruding. Anyway blah and to answer last question No no body would want me as their daughter are you kidding I wouldn't even want me as a daughter!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Than be the daughter everyone would want! It's your choice, and only you can make that choice. If you're not being a good daughter, then become one!Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Your dad obviously loves you, otherwise he wouldn't care so much, and he wouldn't be so strict. He has to be strict, because left to your own devices you go out and party, do drugs, drink, contemplate having sex, get into trouble that no one should be getting into, especially at your age!
Left on your own you're just an accident waiting to happen, or a jail sentence waiting to happen! Of course your dad is strict! That's what a good dad does when his child is out of control!
Your dad isn't the problem here. You are! Until you realize that all his rules are for your good, and done out of love, you will continue to make bad choices, and that's what you're doing. Your constant questions on this site show that that's what you're doing. And we only get to hear your side, and that's pretty bad. I wonder what your dad would say if we got to hear his side as well.
I have two teenagers. They're good kids because I don't put up with any crap. As long as they live under my roof, they live under my rules! Don't like it, then pack your bags and get out! You think you know everything, then prove it, go live on your own and see how well you do!
There's a reason kids have parents, it's because kids don't have the sense God gave a goat. If we just let kids do whatever they want, they'd self destruct! Be thankful your dad loves you enough to make rules, and be strict. He could just toss you aside, because frankly, you're a handful!
You've read our responses. Now it's time for action.
What's one thing you can do (and are willing to do) differently to improve your relationship with your dad?
I know me da isn't the problem I know I am. I can't help feeling the way I do towards me da. It's complicated anyway I have got heaps of advice thank you I don't mean to ask so many questions and be annoying I just find it hard to ask me da and sometimes I question me self if I am doing the right thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Alty
The only thing I can do is just be up front with him about everything no more hiding stuff and just obey his rules. Thanks heaps for advice. I won't bother anyone anymore.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
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