 |
I did some pretty stupid things recently and I totally understand why me dad doesn't trust me but I'd kind of like to be able to get his trust back so he can back of a bit. I mean I understand why he doesn't trust me but at some point he got to start right? What can I do to help him start to trust me?
That is something you need to ask him. Sitting down and calmly discussing how you can begin to earn his trust is a start. Listen and do your best to adhere to the rules he sets. Try not to hide things from him. Be honest with him and ask for help.
Understand that it takes a moment of bad judgment to destroy trust and years to rebuild it. He probably won't back off for quite a while.
He is your dad and hopefully open to discussion (only you know that), so yes, I agree with Cat, sit down and talk to him and ask him how this can be accomplished. Good luck and we are here if you need us
I was kind of hoping that there would be a easier way to it than that. Im not really good at having conversations with me dad we don't really talk to well most the time it just turns into an argument but that's my bad, but I'm working on that. Suppose talking is the way to go. It's just very frustrating I can't do anything because he doesn't trust me. But how long is that going to last
It's going to last as long as it takes. It takes time to rebuild trust.
Behave yourself from now on.
It's going to take as long as it takes! I really don't understand adults. I've been doing everything he has asked of me not just for him but for me self as well. It's just so frustrating being stuck at home not aloud to go out because he doesn't trust me and I don't want to just go out because that's just not going to prove anything to him but that I can't be trusted. If he would just give me a bit of freedom then I could show him that I can be trusted. I mean I don't want to spend the rest of me life stuck at home he's got to give me some chance to prove me self to him, well I hope anyway.
This is still very new. It may seem like it is taking forever but it hasn't even been a month since you told us you were trying to get your life turned around. It's been about two weeks since you went to the police. That is very little time.
This isn't going to be fixed quickly or easily. Frankly, your father would be a fool to give you too much trust at this moment. It isn't because deep down you aren't a good kid and you don't want to change but because temptation is going to be strong. You need to take time to build coping skills before you have too much freedom.
I'm not asking for him to give me total freedom I just want to get out I'm sick of being stuck in this house. The only time I'm aloud is with him I don't even go to school anymore I have to be home schooled until the end of the year. I just feel like I'm suffocating. You know let me go for a 20 minute walk let me go around the block. Anything every time I try to ask I just get shut down No No No. I messed up but it's driving me mad.
THis is what we call actions carry consequences. You are complaining about WEEKS... pull this stunt as an adult... you might have 10 - 15 years or more in a jail cell to complain. As was said multiple times before.. it takes however long it takes... a few weeks ISN'T nearly enough time to earn back even a tiny little bit of trust when you consider what you did. Its going to take a LOT longer. And it happens on HIS schedule, not yours.
So you suck it up and put up with it. All in all you got off really easy...instead of complaining you should be grateful you weren't put in jail or put out of the house and onto the street to fend for yourself for the rest of what could be a very short life. Many families would have done either of those. You got incredibly lucky you weren't too.
You have to keep behaving as is expected of you...you do it gracefully, because kicking and screaming about it only proves you really weren't sorry about what you did. When you fully see what you did and how it was wrong. You would gracefully deal with your punishments because you would accept that you got exactly what you deserved. And you could have gotten much, much worse. I actually know people that did. In time you will earn back trust, but it will be slow, and it will take a long time. It's not like you showed up 30 minutes late.
I am doing what he askes of me, I doing everything and I'm not just doing it for him I'm doing it for me self as well. I'm not kicking and screaming when I askes and he says no I just go back to my room. I understand that I messed up big time I know I'm lucky I didn't go to jail or end up dead or on the street. I can't handle being stuck in this house I go out 2 times a week I'm trying me best to obey everything I've been told believe me I'm trying and I want him to be able to trust me, but I don't know how to deal with staying in this house any longer and I don't want do anything stupid and I'd rather just sneak out and him have no trust in me then sit here and feel like doing something stupid.
Next time he might put you out of the house and change the locks. Would eating out of garbage cans and sleeping under a bridge, or on the sidewalk be better? Sneak out and you might find yourself doing that.
THe fact you are even THINKING about that says a lot as to why you aren't ready for trust... besides the fact its only been a few weeks. You haven't really changed yet, you only think you have because you aren't getting to do what you want when you want... which is exactly what got you into this mess in the first place.
Its all about learning self discipline. You don't like it... but you need to do it without whining about it. The rest of your adult life you will at times need to do things you don't want to do, like REALLY not like to do, but you do them because its required of you, you do it because you must do them. You force yourself to do them. Because you might find yourself unemployed and without a place to live because you have no money if you don't.
When you are old enough and have graduated. Perhaps some time in the Military would be a good thing. Seriously... its turned more than a few undisciplined people around before they ruined their lives. Plus it gave them a job and a purpose, as well as direction in their lives. And gave them training for a job when they get out.
I have grounded my children for 2 or 3 months, if something was serious enough.
And trust ? It can take a year or more, of showing you are really going to do right,
Trust is easy to lose, very hard to correct and gain back, At times it could never be gained, if the trust is broken bad enough
I hope my dad will trust me again, don't really want him to always not trust me. To be honest I don't even know why he's being the way he is. It's not like I was hurting him nothing I was doing was affecting him I didn't lie to him he never knew. I know I made wrong choices really bad choices and I know that's why he doesn't trust me but I don't know why he's so angry at me for. I want him to be able to trust me. Am I being punished because I made bad choices but how can I learn to make better choices if I'm never aloud to leave the house. It might not seem like along time but I feel like I've been in here for ever.
You are 15 years old. Everything you do affects him to one degree or another.
You ou were taking some very dangerous drugs, and you obtained them illegally. That affects him in that he could have had to bury you, he could have had some very expensive legal expenses if you had been caught buying from an undercover cop. He has your future to worry about and you were headed down the wrong path.
Accept your punishment gracefully, do whatever he asks of you without complaint. One can lose trust in a second, but it can take a very long time to build it back up m
I am listening and doing what I've been told, I don't complain to me dad at all. I wouldn't dare complain to me dad that would not get me anywhere. I'm just confused I guess I don't even know if I'm being punished or for how long me dad hasn't said I was in trouble, all he said was I'm not aloud to go out unless I ask and I have to stay in my room unless I'm called out. I don't know seriously me dad is confusing I just want him to be able to trust me enough to be able to at least leave my room and not be watched like a criminal when I'm called out
You are very lucky you are being confined to your room. Jail would be a lot worse. You are also lucky you have access to the internet. Many children would have only a mattress in their room and the clothes on their backs.
Actually, you are being watched like a criminal because your actions were criminal actions.
I know I'm lucky to have the things I have. I really don't get it its not like I got caught doing drugs it's not like me dad found out some other way I went to him I told him. I took some pills I know it was wrong and believe me after everything I never want to take them ever again. But I think I made the right choice there, shouldn't that at least mean something to him. I know I had pills I shouldn't have but I didn't do anything really I didn't steal them. What are they watching me for as if I'm going to steal their medication.
Have you told him about the pills you have/had hidden in the kitchen?Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
We have a board for people to ask us about addictions. The number one question asked is "Did I pass?". The number two question is "Will I pass?" These are adults who are in the court system because they got caught and now have to submit to drug testing. They have been arrested, tried, sentenced, did time (in some cases), decided it wasn't worth it and still mess up. Some of those posters tell us they will never do it again. They learned their lesson. One drink, one pill, one hit, etc. isn't worth the fear and apprehension of a dirty test. Several of them are back every month or two telling us they know they messed up and they won't do it again. Moral of the story, you say you won't do it again, now, but tomorrow, when you have more freedom and temptation is in your face, you may think differently.
Give yourself more time.
That you still have computer privileges says he does have some trust in you. Or are you sneaking behind his back to get on-line or go where you want while you are on-line?
You are not ready to be trusted. You have not fully understood what you did wrong and the harm it could have cause not only to you but what you would have put your dad through. You would have less freedom had you gone to jail. Stop complaining and be glad your punishment is not worse. You at least have computer access. You would not have if your were mine.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
He can't really stop me from having Internet privlages the whole house has wifi, he doesn't want me to go to school anymore so he can't take me I pad away or I can't do me school work or receive me emails from teachers. I'm not sneaking behind his back he knows I have me Ipad he was there when me mum sent it to me. He didn't give me any rules about the Internet. I do fully understand what I did wrong and what harm I could have done to myself I asked for help because I realised. I get reminded two times a week when I go to drug classes. You're right it hasn't been very long I suppose it just feels like forever being in my room all the time. It would be nice just to be able to come out of my room or when I come out not to followed around. If I went to jail which I highly doubt I would have I would have more freedom than what I get in here at least they get to leave their cells. I'm stuck in mine
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Oh yes he can. Simply by password protecting the access. And limiting the hours of your account. Its HIS internet... he pays for it. He can limit it to whenever he wants to let you have access... and he can make new rules whenever he wants.
Don't for one minute think he can't or won't. Because he can really easily. And he can take them away when you aren't working on school assignments. And you aren't all the time. It doesn't matter WHO paid for the iPad.
Any privileges you have or don't have are completely up to him at any given moment.
Despite what you are saying... I see a lot of behavior that isn't accepting of your responsibility here just from your actions and words. Yes it is that obvious.
And many people in jail... only get out of the cell one hour out of 24, and even then its under strict supervision and many times its with handcuffs and shackles.
Not to be mean...but you still aren't seeing this all in the right perspective yet. You are still acting very much like the victim and not someone that takes responsibility for what they did.
Its really easy to say one thing...is a very different thing to actually do it.
I really don't understand maybe cause I'm not an adult. I've done everything he has asked me to do I don't argue with him he tells me to stay in my room I stay in me room he wants me to do me school work I do it. I haven't done anything to not accept responsibility of my action I'm not doing anything but what I've been told to do. My actions I took drug I needed help I told me dad so he could help me get help. How else can I take responsibility of me actions. I'm sorry for making bad choices I haven't taken anything since I told my dad. You say I don't see the harm I could have caused myself well I do I could have died I understand that. The harm I could have caused my dad, I could have been caught by the police and cost him money ( he took me to the police station) I understand that it would have been terrible if I had of died but I didn't I asked for help before it got to that point because I did realise I was making bad choices. I understand why he won't let me go out unsupervised because he's scared I'll make bad choices, but what is going to happen if he lets me out of me room. Am I being punished for asking him for help? Why am I being punished he wouldn't have even of known what was going on if I didn't tell him
I recognize your restless, irritable, and discontent feelings as being normal considering your background so buck up and see where you are in 30 days. Then 60 days! Until you are truly grateful and have overcome your problem only a zip darned fool would trust you in any way whatsoever!
You are lucky to have the chance to even get on the right path through Good Orderly Direction, so expect this for a year! You want out of the house more? Ask to be taken to AA, and NA meetings! Then you can get out EVERYDAY and maybe twice a day! You really should be around those that can relate, after a 30 day detox period.
That's how it works like it or not. Its not about trust, but recovery, and healing!
You are doing good by doing everything he asks, when he asks. Don't get me wrong there. You don't argue about everything. Also a very good thing. Perhaps you aren't seeing the point I was getting at. And maybe it is a maturity thing. I do remember being your age very vividly... but as an adult... I also can see all the many ways I was mistaken as a teen. And there were many, and its true in most cases. I have the benefit of life experience... something you don't yet. Just like everyone else your age. So don't knock yourself there. This is part of learning to be an adult. It doesn't come to you suddenly all at once. It's a process that takes time.
Sometimes doing the right thing means its going to result in something unpleasant. But that same unpleasant experience helps teach you that you can't do anything you want. You never will get to do anything you want even as an adult.
Now the point I am trying to make... which might be a bit difficult to grasp in its entirety as someone your age. But if you REALLY did. You wouldn't be whining about being stuck in your room after what has only been literally a couple of weeks.
No lets say, you might know that action a + action b = Result c , but its an abstract thing... now if you had a very close friend or family member do the same thing, only they almost died of an overdose, or really went off the deep end with heavy use and because a shell of a human as serious junkies do. OR if you saw someone close to you do this and DIE from it. It becomes something very, very real, and not something someone else told you about.
Or put it in another way you might be able to relate to. If you saw the movie Platoon or Jar-head II. You might see a fairly accurate representation of what its like to be in combat... at least as much as can be expressed on film... but its absolutely NOTHING like someone actually shooting at you when your life can be extinguished at any moment if you do the right thing and even quicker if you don't.
Or express it in another way in something I actually have personally experienced. You see a movie that has some exceptionally realistic gore and graphics... lot a dead burned bodies.. you think oh wow... maybe even EWWWW! but if you ever had to see almost 150 (the exact number is slightly different but I'm avoiding the exact number for a very good personal reason) You were stepping over them when everything was still smoldering... many of them barely recognizable as human if you hadn't seen the teeth, or enough exposed bones in what looks like people shaped charcoal to know otherwise, and the smell that you will never forget as long as you live, that comes back every time you remember the situation... that has you waking up in night sweats at times for years later... knowing that somewhere among them, two were people you had dinner with the night before that were good friends.
You would see the difference from what you THINK you know... and the reality of the situation, are very, very different things.
I hear what you are saying that I don't really understand what could have happened because I've never seen or experienced it for me self. To be honest I don't really see me self as being a junkie or addicted to the pills I was more scared of the things I was doing to get the pills I know taking them was wrong. I really don't know f all I've decided, I'm just going to listen to what me dad says stay in my room and do what ever it is that I need to be doing
THere are a lot of things its going to be difficult to really understand at your age... and other kids will believe the same as you and they will be just as wrong too... because until you do have those extra years, and you do have that extra life epxerience that nobody has while they are still living with their parents. You just won't have the perspective, you will eventually have it. Its all part of maturing. Almost every teenage thinks they have it all figured out... how their parents can't possibly understand because the earth didn't exist xTeen years earlier... (if you understand a bit of my Yankee sarcasm) but give them a few years of having to fully support themselves and pay ALL their own bills, rent, utilities, insurance... everything. Or risk being homeless. Your perspective on everything changes from a fantasy to reality. By your late 20's you will clearly see all the misconceptions nearly every teenager has. Real life is nothing like most teenagers imagine it is. Its certainly not as easy. It might get easy after years of working hard for a few lucky ones... for the rest its going to be a struggle the rest of their lives. Balancing what they want (or even need) with what they can afford at the time. The less responsible you are, the more difficult it will be for anyone. That's a universal statement. Very few people are born to the rich with silver spoons in their mouths. THe rest of us have to work hard for everything. Making the right or wrong decision on anything can mean the difference between being successful and being homeless.
I've been destitute...I've worked extremely hard to get wher I am which is comfortable....and I know it that could change, very , very quickly for the worse....and almost did recently. A lot of luck..and the right choices barely let me get through it. It was more likely to go the wrong way.
If you see my point. I have to do a lot of things I'd rather not HAVE to do....but I do it without complaining because the alternative would be far less pleasant. Plus whining never improved a bad situation, or changed anything for the better. It keeps you from facing what needs to be done and works against you in the long run. Eventually you will learn how to do that. If you join the Military after you graduate ( Graduating is the MOST important thing you can do, many doors are closed to people who don't) You will have many of your bad habits drilled out of you during your service.....and everyone has bad habits. Some just have more than others.
We like to say Grin and bear it in the USA...the British say, Keep a stiff upper lip....
Thanks for the advise. I'm so looking forward to getting older now. I guess I don't have much of a choice but to sit in my room and do as I'm told until my dad thinks I'm ready to be trusted to come out. As we say here I guess I'll just have to harden the f up!
I have heaps on spare time sitting around me room all day any suggestions on something to keep me occupies? I have heaps of school work to do but I can't sit there for hours doing it I need something to break it up a bit
Make yourself useful around the house. Ask for more CHORES.
Heck, don't even ask for more chores, just do what you see needs to be done.
If there are dishes in the sink, do them. If the floor needs vacuumed, vacuum it.
Show your dad that you have matured through this situation by taking action where action needs to be taken, without being asked.
Sounds like a good idea, but do you think it's OK to come out of me room without asking I mean I don't mind I'd love it but he did stay in my room
Then ask him first.
Well that was a waste of time asking me dad if I can help around the house. Basically he said me step mum is busy enough looking after the me little brother she doesn't have enough time to supervise me all day as well. They don't need to watch me all the time it's not like I'm going to do anything. But whatever I didn't argue I'll think of something else
Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him or your stepmother around the house, but actually suggest to them that you take over the hoovering, washing your own clothes, dusting, washing windows, cleaning the bathroom, preparing some simple meals, for example. Point out that someday you will have to take care of yourself, so you might as well start learning how to do things now. Or see if they would like help with yard work, learning how to maintain the car, etc..
In your room you can exercise, write in a journal or write short stories, read, watch television on the computer, do some research online of something that you are interested in, you might find some free courses on a topic of interest that you can do online. Find a forum of people who share an interest and get involved. Or maybe consider finding a forum of people who you know would be a positive influence and get involved online with them. You could start thinking about your future and what career you might want to get into. Find out what is involved for education or training.
Thanks for the advice, I don't think I'll ask him about helping again I don't want to keep on bugging him he'll probably just get more annoyed at me. But the other thing sound great, It will be good to try something else to keep me occupied I get so bored sitting here doing school work.
Seriously how long can he keep me in me room. I'm starting to think he's just keeping me in me room cause he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm over it
Then go tell him that
Seriously there is no friggin point talking to me dad I know me step mum don't want me here. I just want to get out of the house then I won't be a problem for me dad. It's been heaps long now
Start doing something for yourself; do you still go to school? You are in the UK, right ? You have been in this muddle for days now and you say there has been no settlement reached between you two??
A month is not that long. I know it feels like forever, but it hasn't been.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinkaboutit
Have you looked into support groups or asked your father about attending one?
How are your studies going? Making good grades?
I don't know what happened with your mother to have her send you to live with your father, however, I am beginning to wonder if history might be repeating itself. Have you been as calm and understanding as you think you have been?
As we have said, it is going to take a long time before your father calms down.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:01 PM. |