Ask Me Help Desk - Why does everybody hate me?

Why does everybody hate me?

I am an outgoing boy who may be overwhelmingly active and sort of crazy and insane sometimes.

Last summer, a friend of mine who had been studying abroad came back and threw a friends reunion party. I was invited. So excited to meet her that my craziness was acting up, I tightly hugged a friend who I thought was intimate immediately I arrived the party. He was annoyed and tried to get off but I didn't let him go. Indeed, my hug might be somewhat annoying because of my gayness and especially when the hug was somewhat girly. However, his coldness got on my nerves. I am a person who can't take rejection. So, I didn't stop being crazy, I started hugging another guy instead. As a result, some of them in the party(who I thought were even good friends) called me names. This really got my dander up so I was being really insane at that party and I deleted them from my QQ friends lists.(QQ is a messaging software, popular in China.)

I have never talked to those so-called friends after that. I told myself I shouldn't have held grudges but I couldn't. So, every party where they are invited I woudn't go to. Their voices would gross me out if I met them again. Or maybe I was just afraid...

Is that hug really that annoying? I don't know how straight guys slice it but from my perspective, my hug just shows my affection to them. My behavior might be somewhat girly but is it really obnoxious? Or, were they just discriminating against gays like me?

I don't think I was born gay. I had Gynecomastia when I was going through puberty and that was what I thought made me gay. Even though I had grown out of my boobs but my gayness had become part of who I am. I was somewhat sissy I admit so that I might have been 'she-male' in their eyes?

I don't have genuine friends. There used to be some friends willing to hang out with me, but none of them is my friend any longer. One of them who I thought was my soul mate dumped me because she could't stand I eating Baozi(A traditional Chinese food, you can Google it if you want to know what it is). Every time I eat Baozi, she looks me with a eye that can kill me. “Don't you know that Baozi stinks? Do you want to gross me out? ” She even tells everybody in my class how Baozi smells. Okay I admit, it was my fault that I ate Baozi in classroom, but how could she be so mean to tell the head teacher on me?(In China, every class has a teacher in total charge and able to implement the punishment) I wanted to beg her of friendship but I finally gave up. I was nobody to her even if she was everybody to me.

Today I threw a graduation party (it's a traditional Chinese custom that everyone who graduated from high school and get admitted to a university should throw a party to celebrate). I asked everybody I know to come, but you know what? The number who came is merely three. When my dad and mom was asking me why my friends hadn't come, I was speechless. I don't want anyone to know that I am not popular. What could I have said about this? After that, one of my friends who came to my party sent me a QQ message:”I think you should probably take it into consideration - why there should be so few friends came to your party. Don't take this the wrong way, but I just think you should probably reflect on it... ” Suddenly, a feeling of pain bursted in my head. I could barely breathe with this traumatic pain exploding in my body. I don't want to think it that way, but am I just a freak that everybody hates?

From what I am reading here, you come off as very flamboyant. Straight men don't typically hug. By hugging these men you are putting them off and they don't want to be around you. Many men don't even feel comfortable associating gay men. I'm not saying that's right, but that's just how some men feel.

It also appears that you tend to overreact in certain situations and seem to be over-zealous in your actions. Why not bring it down a notch and just chill rather than acting "sort of crazy and insane." Not all people feel comfortable around people who over do it.

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He was annoyed and tried to get off but I didn’t let him go. Indeed, my hug might be somewhat annoying because of my gayness and especially when the hug was somewhat girly.

If he was not gay, you should not have hugged him. Most people have their own personal space and do not like for it to be invaded by other people, much less someone acting "crazy and insane."

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his coldness got on my nerves.

And your invasion of his personal space, and the fact that you "didn't let him go" got on his nerves.

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Is that hug really that annoying? I don’t know how straight guys slice it but from my perspective, my hug just shows my affection to them.

Most straight guys don't want to be hugged by gay guys.

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My behavior might be somewhat girly but is it really obnoxious?

After reading your first paragraph, it does appear that your behavior in this situation was indeed obnoxious.

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Originally Posted by J_9

From what I am reading here, you come off as very flamboyant. Straight men don't typically hug. By hugging these men you are putting them off and they don't want to be around you. Many men don't even feel comfortable associating gay men. I'm not saying that's right, but that's just how some men feel.

Yes, I should have stood in their shoes but I just didn't know how straight guys feel...

Well, now you do. Best advice is for you to keep your hands to yourself. ;)

You are actually lucky one of those guys didn't punch you in the face.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Well, now you do. Best advice is for you to keep your hands to yourself. ;)

You are actually lucky one of those guys didn't punch you in the face.

Sorry but what does 'keel your hands to yourself.' mean? English is not my native language so forgive me for my poor English.

What you did was over the top, gay or not. I don't like having my space invaded and someone one hugging me tight that I don't have a relationship would irritate the crap out of me.
You need to learn to respect people's space. You can't just approach people as you want. You don't seem to be very considerate of other people but you want everyone to respect you. Grow up.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What you did was over the top, gay or not. I don't like having my space invaded and someone one hugging me tight that I don't have a relationship would irritate the crap out of me.
You need to learn to respect people's space. You can't just approach people as you want. You don't seem to be very considerate of other people but you want everyone to respect you. Grow up.

Thanks..

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What you did was over the top, gay or not. I don't like having my space invaded and someone one hugging me tight that I don't have a relationship would irritate the crap out of me.
You need to learn to respect people's space. You can't just approach people as you want. You don't seem to be very considerate of other people but you want everyone to respect you. Grow up.

Bravo!

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Originally Posted by J_9

Well, now you do. Best advice is for you to keep your hands to yourself. ;)

You are actually lucky one of those guys didn't punch you in the face.

Sorry but what does 'keel your hands to yourself.' mean? English is not my native language so forgive me for my poor English.

KEEP your hands to yourself.

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Originally Posted by J_9

KEEP your hands to yourself.

Thanks for your advice. ^_^

There is a huge difference between high school and college. You won't be in such a microcosm, and people tend to gravitate towards groups of friends who fit each other's lifestyles. You can grow as an adult and as a gay person.

Even then, I wouldn't hug anyone past the point of wanting to be let go! There's a stereotype of gays being more touchy-feely, but I think you will be rejected then too.
You can stop something like that. It's in your control.

May I ask how old you are?

You see, people have an area around them called "personal space." For friends, close friends, very close friends, it is approximately 18 inches (46 cms) to 2 feet (60 cms). For less close friends it is up to 3 feet (91 cms).

People don't want that space invaded. Spread your arms out wide like the wings of a bird. If someone gets closer to you than the tips of your fingertips, they are too close.

It seems that you know what annoys people, yet you enjoy annoying them. Why?

I am a woman who has many gay male friends and I can tell you that, from your post alone, I would not want to be around someone like you. You seem pushy and, like I said before, overly dramatic.

The problem is that we are asking you to change who you are as an individual. This is your personality and it's not right to ask you to change. However, there must be a way that you can find friends who accept you for who you are. Granted, they aren't going to be straight. Straight men will never accept you when you act like this.

As my homey Homegirl suggested, it's time you grow up. Stop acting like a child and start acting more like an adult.

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Originally Posted by J_9

May I ask how old you are?

I have been 18 for nearly six months.

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Originally Posted by J_9

It seems that you know what annoys people, yet you enjoy annoying them. Why?

Trust me, I didn't mean to annoy them. But I may be not able to control my mood, when someone rejects me. So if someone says what I am doing is wrong, I might even over do it to retaliate... I know that's wrong but it's kind of hard to just bring it down a notch as you said.

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Originally Posted by J_9

You seem pushy and, like I said before, overly dramatic.

Yes I am. I admit.

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Originally Posted by J_9

The problem is that we are asking you to change who you are as an individual. This is your personality and it's not right to ask you to change. However, there must be a way that you can find friends who accept you for who you are. Granted, they aren't going to be straight. Straight men will never accept you when you act like this.

If change myself means I could be more happy, I will try everything to change myself. Is my personality really that obnoxious? Will I get more accepted and have more friends if I change myself? And is changing my personality that easy? How can I do that?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

There is a huge difference between high school and college. You won't be in such a microcosm, and people tend to gravitate towards groups of friends who fit each other's lifestyles. You can grow as an adult and as a gay person.

Even then, I wouldn't hug anyone past the point of wanting to be let go! There's a stereotype of gays being more touchy-feely, but I think you will be rejected then too.
You can stop something like that. It's in your control.

Thanks.

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I may be not able to control my mood

No, maybe you can't control your mood. However, you CAN control your actions.

You are not a child and you can respect the space of others. When you know a person does not want to be hugged, you don't do it. When you overstep with a person, you apologize . You can't change who you are but with the desire to do what is right and maturity you can be appropriate with people.

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Originally Posted by J_9

No, maybe you can't control your mood. However, you CAN control your actions.

My math teacher confiscated my English novels when I read them at his class, and guess what? I felt like punching him on his face at that moment. I did control my action, however, I was overwelmed with too much negative feelings so that I can't help but cried so loudly that everybody in that building heard it.. I just cried and cried for nearly thirty minutes and I couldn't think of how others would judge me... Yes, my cry at class was really annoying, but that really could't be controlled...

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You are not a child and you can respect the space of others. When you know a person does not want to be hugged, you don't do it. When you overstep with a person, you apologize . You can't change who you are but with the desire to do what is right and maturity you can be appropriate with people.

... Okay, Thanks.. . I will try to think if it's the right thing before I do it.

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Originally Posted by CharmYou

My math teacher confiscated my English novels when I read them at his class, and guess what? I felt like punching him on his face at that moment. I did control my action, however, I was overwelmed with too much negative feelings so that I can't help but cried so loudly that everybody in that building heard it..I just cried and cried for nearly thirty minutes and I coudn't think of how others would judge me...Yes, my cry at class was really annoying, but that really could't be controled.........

Honestly, it could be controlled unless you have some sort of issues... which it's starting to seem to me like you may have them. Have you thought about seeking counseling?

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Honestly, it could be controlled unless you have some sort of issues....which it's starting to seem to me like you may have them. Have you thought about seeking counseling?

In china, there is no 'counsellor' in our school. How could I possibly seek counselling? By the defination of 'counsel', I think I am counselling by posting this question here. So you can be the counsellor who helps me out if you will...

Born in poverty, I have never been abroad, rarely have I been out of my small town...

I think you need help beyond what we can give you. If you can't control your actions and keep from crying for a half hour because a book is taken from you... you can't control yourself enough to give someone personal space... I just don't know what we can do for you.

You were told it was wrong and that this is probably why people "don't like you" but you seem just keep saying how you know it's wrong but can't control it. You need to control it... it's that simple.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

I think you need help beyond what we can give you. If you can't control your actions and keep from crying for a half hour because a book is taken from you...you can't control yourself enough to give someone personal space....I just don't know what we can do for you.

I think it's not because of a petty book, it's because of a feeling of being rejected. I tend to freak out and lose control sometimes, but I was still conscious.

Last week I went to a store and found a pair of jeans that I liked, but the price is 96 yuan while I had only 85 yuan with me. I asked the shop assistant if she could give me a better deal but she rejected me, "No bargin, please." Suddenly a feeling of I-don't-know was spining in my mind. I was still conscious but I couldn't even think how to act... I was just standing there turning a deaf ear to everyone... until several hours passing by, I started to think I was just standing there like a freak...
At home, I told my dad this shopping experience.
"Why didn't you just ask me for some more money?"
"I don't know...I didn't think of that..."

You mention still conscious a lot. What do you mean by losing consciousness? Fainting, uncontrollable anger, Is it common practice in your country to bargain prices with shops?
I know in the USA you just don't do that unless your tight with the store manager.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Is it common practice in your country to bargain prices with shops?

If the shop is private (owned by only a person or a family), we usually bargain. However if that is a franchised store (owned by a corporation), we don't.
The shop I went was franchised, so I shouldn't have bargained...

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

You mention still conscious a lot. What do you mean by losing consciousness? Fainting, uncontrollable anger, ?

I still remember that I was smilling when I was bargaining. But after getting rejected, I was much more conscious of my smile because I actually wanted to cry. However, I continued faking the smile because I didn't know what facial expression I should have worn. By still conscious, I mean I could still think, I was thinking what facial expression I should have been wearing... But I hadn't figure it out... so I was just standing there thinking "Should I cry? I want to but I can't...However, I am still smiling, how could I possibly still smile? Then which facail expression should I wear? If I suddenly change my expression will that be embarrassing?" So, I was just standing there hours and hours doing nothing but wore a faking smile... like an idiot...

The same thing happened when my math teacher took my book, I didn't know what to do with that, so I suddenly collapsed on my desk thinking how to act... While a strong feeling had made me cry... I was consciously thinking:"Why am I crying? It will be a humiliation for an 18-year-old to cry in public...But if I suddenly stop crying will everybody thinks I am acting crying?? So how can I stop crying? I can't abruptly stop crying but I shouldn't be crying..."... I hadn't figure it out until I have cried for nearly half an hour...

If you get that dumbfounded about what your facial expressions should be that you stand in a store for hours and collapse on your school desk I'd say you do need a therapist.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

If you get that dumbfounded about what your facial expressions should be that you stand in a store for hours and collapse on your school desk I'd say you do need a therapist.

He doesn't want to hear that. He wants us to tell him some magical solution for his problem but the more I read, the more I realize there is something much deeper going on here than we can help with.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

If you get that dumbfounded about what your facial expressions should be that you stand in a store for hours and collapse on your school desk I'd say you do need a therapist.

Really... I have tried meditation to be honest but it didn't work..

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Originally Posted by odinn7

He doesn't want to hear that. He wants us to tell him some magical solution for his problem but the more I read, the more I realize there is something much deeper going on here than we can help with.

Are you suggesting that I am a psychopath?.

As others have said you need to try self control

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

as others have said you need to try self control

Mhmm... Thanks...

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Originally Posted by CharmYou

Are you suggesting that I am a psychopath?...

Do you know what a psychopath is?
I think your problem is you dwell on things to obsessive extremes
And let your emotions get the better of you

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

do you know what a psychopath is?

No.. Maybe a person with mental disorder?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I think your problem is you dwell on things to obsessive extremes
and let your emotions get the better of you

Mhmm... yes... thanks...

I think we are either dealing with a troll or this kid has issues we cannot deal with.
He is behaving like a spoiled child, or a person with mental problems.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think we are either dealing with a troll or this kid has issues we cannot deal with.
He is behaving like a spoiled child, or a person with mental problems.

I completely agree and have been thinking the same thing.

Psychopath - serial killer or violent type thoughts. Unremorseful.

By the way what country are you from?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Psychopath - serial killer or violent type thoughts. Unremorseful.

Sorry I don't know that, my native language is Chinese. I typed this word because the Chinese defination of "psychopath" is "精神病患者"(meaning a person with mental disorder). I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

By the way what country are you from?

China.

(I for one agreed to no longer suggest that someone might be a troll directly in a thread, after a traumatic argument among many responders about a stated child molestation two weeks ago.)

I'd like to go back to the gynecomastia and the girlyness you showed at puberty. For all you know, your hormones were really out of whack then and still are, gay or not. If your dad can give you more money for clothes (what happened to the poverty?), maybe he can afford to have their levels tested.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I'd like to go back to the gynecomastia and the girlyness you showed at puberty. For all you know, your hormones were really out of whack then and still are, gay or not.

Can hormone influence how a human acts? I wonder.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

what happened to the poverty?

Come on, I bought some cheap cloths because I am about to step into university, and I can't wear my high school uniform to college, can I? The price of the pair of jeans I liked is ￥96, which equals to $15. I bet it's cheaper than a bread you eat...

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Originally Posted by joypulv

If your dad can give you more money for clothes, maybe he can afford to have their levels tested.

What does this have to do with hormone? It may have something to do with self-control as others have mentioned... but how could hormone possibly manipulate my action?

Yes hormone levels can cause you to be acting the way you do.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yes hormone levels can cause you to be acting the way you do.

Really, I'll try.. Thanks..

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Originally Posted by CharmYou

Really, I'll try..Thanks..

Try what?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Try what?

Try getting my hormone tested.

Getting your hormones tested isn't going to tell you anything other than why you may not have facial hair. It won't tell you why you are gay. It won't tell you why you act the way you do.