My daughter just turned 14 last week and found out she is 4 weeks pregnant, I don't no what to do
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My daughter just turned 14 last week and found out she is 4 weeks pregnant, I don't no what to do
Talk to her about it: she if she wants to abort, keep, or send off the baby. Dicuss with her. And makes sure she never forgets that you love her.
"Abortion" is a rather strong term to use - at 4 weeks, there is litle more than a cluster of cells. My opinion, is that she should terminate the pregnancy immediately - the sooner the better; the longer she waits, the harder it will become.
Most doctors are understanding, but make sure that she gets the care she needs - if she decides to end the pregnancy, don't stand for any delays - make sure they give her the earliest appointment possible.
Be very gentle with her, but insist that she talks to her doctor and a counsellor. Do it straight away - today if possible. 14 is far too young to have children.
She may very well want to go through with the pregnancy, but she has to be made aware of how it is going to affect her life - her boyfriend will not be around a year from now, and she may never get another one - teenage boys don't date girls who have children.
Give her all the support you can, she must be on an emotional rollercoaster right now, so try to be there for her.
Wow, darkclaw has the definitive answer for a question that scientists and theologians have struggled with for years... whether that little cluster of cells is a life.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord_Darkclaw
You need to have a talk with her and discuss where you are on the whole "is it a life" question. No other decision can be made until you work through that. My personal belief (note, my "belief"... I'm not going to present it as fact) is that life begins at conception.
I do agree that 14 is way too young to raise a child, and I've had plenty of opportunities to see it having been involved in the foster care system. But there are many loving couples in this nation who disparately want and can care for a child.
I believe that terminating the pregnancy would be trying to fix one mistake by making another. Yes, if she carries to term, there will be embarrassment, physical pain, emotional issues to work through, etc. But abortion is not the walk in the park a lot of people would lead you to believe either. Women who abort are often left with the same guilt, emotional trauma, etc. for their entire lives.
She's only four weeks... there is time to think this through. This is far too important a decision to "do it quickly" as the other poster suggested. Talk to her, and talk to women who have been in the same situation. Surely there is a counseling center there that could put you in touch with those women. Talk to them and see how terminating affected their lives, and talk to those who carried to term and see how they're doing as well.
Your daughter made a bad, impulsive decision that started this chain of events. Don't make another bad, impulsive decision to try and fix it... take some time to let it sink in, do some soul-searching, do some research, and make an informed, carefully reasoned decision.
I agree with the above statement. However, I also agree with Darkclaw to a certain extent I don't believe that life begins at conception, but that is my personal belief and I don't think I should impose it on anyone else just as those who believe that life does begin at conception shouldn't impose their beliefs on anyone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by l99057j
Your daughter is faced with three choices (note I said your daughter, not you). To carry the child to birth and raise it, to carry to birth and give it up for adoption or to abort the pregnancy. She needs to consider these choices very carefully. She needs to understand how having a child will affect her life, even if she gives it up for adoption. She needs to understand the emotional impact of giving up a child for adoption as well as the emotional impact of an abortion. She also needs to understand the impact on the child of being raised by someone who is a child themelves.
She needs to talk to impartial counselors (or counselors on all sides) so she can weigh their advice and decide for herself.
My personal feeling is that she is too young to raise a child, and that carrying the child to birth would have a serious on her life. She is still only a child and having a child on her own will end her childhood prematurely.
[QUOTE=l99057j] But there are many loving couples in this nation who disparately want and can care for a child.
QUOTE]
You know... I probably have issues to work through of my own still... but that is the most offensive line about adoption that I can think of from the viewpoint of a birthparent.
I don't CARE who is loving, caring or desperate.
The woman (yes woman! If she's pregnant, she's gone past being a girl already) carrying the child is the one to determine what she can or can not live with for the rest of her life.
Choosing to parent is possible with enough support, love, and help. It also has lifetime reprecussions. She has to determine whether the pros of having her child outweigh the cons of losing her teenage years.
Choosing adoption ALSO has lifetime reprecussions. Ask any birthmother if she's still dealing with the issues years later and you'll get a resounding YES! Counseling is a must BEFORE adoption, and NOT with an adoption agency. Most agencies will tell you anything to get their hands on your baby---they're paid by the ADOPTING families, not the birth families, and guess who becomes their primary focus because of that?
Choosing to terminate ALSO has lifetime reprecussions. She needs to decide if she believes that that cluster of cells is a life or if it is a cluster of unwanted cells. But it needs to be what SHE believes, not what you as her mother believes.
Get her into counseling. She needs it to be able to determine what she wishes to do at this point, and frankly--you're not objective enough to help her determine what is right for HER.
While I could sit here and tell you what I would do. That would not help you in your situation. And we might have completely different beliefs, which is fine.
Either way, it is important that you educate your daughter on her choices that she has. Be supportive, listen to her fears, her needs, and her wants. While she is still a child, she has a very adult decision to make and any help she can receive will help her make the best decision for her.
Synnen, I'm not suggesting that the fact that there are hopeful parents out there should sway her decision, at least not at a basic level. Whether she chooses to abort, keep the child, or go for adoption is the basic choice and it resides with her. I'm only trying to reassure her that should she choose adoption, there are wonderful people out there who can help. I've seen a lot of situations where adoption was not considered carefully or so the young mother would keep the child and from there on out it was a bad situation.
You are correct that she has the decision to make. But she doesn't live in a vacuum. She lives in a world where there are other people, people who may or may not be able to play some part in her future. Simply pointing out their existence shouldn't be offensive.
l99057j, I'm not saying that you're using that to sway her.
I realize that I had a bit of a knee-jerk reaction there.
It is, however, somewhat of a sway just to phrase it that way. It makes it sound as though she would not be a good parent because she's not
1. Desperate for her child
2. "Loving" makes it sound like she doesn't love her child
3. "couples" is a word that is still being used as a gentle nudge to her that TWO parents is ALWAYS better than one.
She's probably terrified right now, and watching the life she'd imagined for herself running down the drain. It's insanely easy to influence someone who doesn't KNOW what they want in that situation... they WANT not to be in that situation, but that's not a valid option.
I think adoption is a wonderful option in situations like this... but ONLY if the woman involved is really aware of what she's giving up.
ScottGem I have to disagree with you (as a parent) you stated above that it is her daughters decision and not the mothers. I strongly disagree. She is a child, she is underage and she is still her parents responsibility. Notice that you can't vote at 14 or even drive by yourself yet, there is a reason for that, you're a child at 14. Mom needs to take the bull by the horns here and decide what is going to be done. Maybe if mom had done that from the get go, the 14 year old girl wouldn't be pregnant. Just my opinion.
While I agree with Kanicky that 14 is a child I am concerned about her approach to this problem.
Here is my concern. If the mother says... ADOPTION and does not give the daughter any say in what happens the daughter might run away, resent the mother, or worse. I think educating the daughter, keeping lines of communication open, and discussing the options with her first... then hearing her opinion on what she wants is very important. Not only for the daughter, but the unborn baby and the relationship between the mother and the pregnant daughter
I have to strongly disagree with you, Kanicky.
14 or not... Doing what is right by the parents' standards is not necessarily doing what's right for the 14 year old.
IF you want to have the daughter hate you for the rest of her life for making a life-changing decision for her, then by all means dictate what she is to do without consulting her on it.
It's HER life. It's HER choice.
Just pray to God for strength and help! The answer may not be in the form you are expecting it to be, but if you pray to God earnestly and with the right heart condition he will help you!
If you need a listening ear, e-mail me back maybe I can help! I will be keeping you and your daughter in my prayers!
Brittany:)
I also have to disagree. I'm also a parent and there comes a time where things occur that you cannot control. This is a life altering decision and to make it for a 14 year old is just plain wrong. I'm not saying the mother can't advise her, but this is the girl's life and it has to be her decision.Quote:
Originally Posted by kanicky73
I also have to disagree with your remark about the mom's responsibilities. You can't lock a 14 year old in a tower as much as you might want to. Chastity Belts no longer exist. We have no idea how this child was raised, from the parent's concern, I suspect it was not a neglectful rearing. But I think it an overstep to try and make the mom feel guilty.
While I agree with you Synnen, this line got my attention.Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
Getting pregnant at 14 does not instantly turn a girl into a woman. She's a child dealing with an adult situation, but by no means, other than perhaps pure biology, can she be considered a woman at her age.
She has to make a very difficult, but very adult, decision.
Hi there, I work with children myself. I know your daughter is young but you should support her! She is going to need you a lot, if you don't support her (with whatever her decision maybe) it will make it harder for the both of you . There will be a lot of arguments which you will later regret. There is many teenage pregnancies which has became more recognised over the past few years, Your daughter needs to think about the effect a child will have in her life and carrer, and it needs to be her that makes the decision. Hope everything works out for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmb6364
I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make it sound like getting pregnant automatically qualifies one for adulthood.Quote:
Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese
I seem to be having a hard time getting all of my thoughts down here in a clear manner.
No... getting pregnant doesn't make one an adult. However... once one has had to deal with the reprecussions of being pregnant, one grows up a LOT. I matured incredibly fast through the course of my pregnancy, because I HAD to. Every decision I had to make during my pregnancy was that of an adult. Every choice I made, every thing I did, every hope I had -- I had to think of someone besides myself.
All I wanted to make clear was that the line between adult and child is not as clear cut as age. She was making an adult's decision to have sex, and now she must face the very adult results of that decision, and make one of the hardest decisions of her life. She deserves to be treated as an adult for that decision, not as a child.
I understand the context now - and I agree. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
I don't know about anyone else, but I am wondering how this happened.:eek: Just a thought.
Ummm duh! I would think that by now you know how such things happen. This being a family site, I can't really explain it. :D I can probably find some web sites to refer you to.Quote:
Originally Posted by worthbeads
What to look at it very literally.:o
worthbeads
Perhaps you need to check out this site:
Getting pregnant: How babies are made
It gives an overview of how babies are made :)
I think that you should talk to her and see what she wants to do. She may be 14, but in this situation she has they say so as to how to go about this. It would be wrong for you to contol the situation as parent's so often do. She may already know that she is a bit young for a child, but don't through her mistake in her face. Maybe she really liked the guy she did it with, so this resulted in pg. Too many times parent's want to yell at their kids for these things, instead of yelling (that woln't change the situation) just deal with it. BUT anyway, it's up to her to chose what to do. Personally I think abortion is wrong, she did the deed and she and her boyfriend will need to fess up to it. It's an easy way out to take ''the pill'' or etc. If she feels she can't care for this child properly then she should give it up for adoption. Some loving family will take care of it. However if your family and her grow's to love this new life, then keep it in the family. Babies are a joy to have. She will need to get a job and NOT make you or her father etc pay for every last thing. That would be wrong. In this case it is NOT your job to 100% care for this baby. It is your daughter's. I wish you luck and hope that some of my advice is useful.
I agree with all of you that suggest that the mother should sit down and talk to her daughter. I guess I should have explained myself better. In situations like this, the communication chain was broken long before this happened. If it had been in place before and there was good communication and understanding between mom and daughter wouldn't you think that the daughter might have come to mom and talked about her options because she was being sexually active. Then they could have discussed ways to protect herself. I know I am trying to put the cart before the horse here now because what's done is done. But I think mom needs to sit down and let her know very clearly that these are the options, let the daugther pick one. I do however think keeping the baby and raising it should not be one of those options.
Yeah, I get it already, it was a joke! :mad:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuscany
In my opinion I don't support people that get abortions. Actually, I don't support people that get pregnant when they're young and unmarried. Its not right. Its gods child and it deserves to live and he also says not to get pregnant while you're unmarried but obviously she's way to young to have kids. Something might happen to her. I'm not saying get an abortion but is there any other way out for a 14 year old? She might not agree and want to have the child but I think this might be something you should tell her to do. Something might happen to her if she goes on with this and you don't want that.
Hope I could help!
I have to say, this is a subject that tugs at my heart for many many reasons. However, it yanks on my brain even harder. This is just my humble opinion so please refrain from getting angry or getting your panties/boxers in a bunch. I think that she's 14, a child, and I never let my children make life altering decisions. She got knocked up because she made a foolish, immature decision. Yes, this will be with her for the rest of her life no matter what she does. I don't think you ask her "well, sweetie, what would you like to do?" I think you present the facts, the morals that you grew up with and that you raised your kids with.
If you feel as a parent that abortion is wrong and that's what you taught her, than more than likely she will know that's not an option.
If you taught her that trying to raise a child while still being a child is not in the best interest of the baby, than more than likely she will place that child in the home of two loving parents more than willing to adopt.
Will any of these decisions scar her, yep! Will any of these make it easier for her to live with, absolutely. That's why talking to your kids is KEY before you get into this situation. Whatever morals you feel need to be taught to your children, you teach them, and hopefully they stick. Unfortunately they can and will go out and make bad choices, veering from those morals, but as a consequence, many return to the morals to try and fix what they broke.
Again, my opinion, but I think that even if a young 14 year old girl goes through the pregnancy with embarrassment and all, and even the more difficult time of giving that baby up, she will one day know that she did what was in the best interest of that child, and that, I feel is the ultimate love. That would come with lots of love, patience, forgiveness and compassion from the parents.
I was 15 years old when one of my best friends got knocked up. She told her parents she was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption, she was told she couldn't do that because her family would be disgraced. She offererd to move away with her grandmother, where no one knew her, but they didn't budge. They also told her that after the abortion, she would be sent to some sort of convent and they would not allow her back because what was done, was done. They told her she was permanently dirty and disinherited. She ran away and lived with her grandmother until the baby was born, and did put the baby up for adoption. To this day, she says that although there is the pain of the memory, she feels an even greater sense of joy knowing that her baby is alive, loved and taken care of somewhere.
My advice is to pray to the good Lord for guidance in the decision of what to do since He is the one that gave her this gift.
Good Luck!
14 is way too young... buy her a chastity belt or some sort of birth control... or you could just lock her in the closet and throw away the key
Oh my... I feel for you! This is extremely tough. First, tell her no matter what you will HELP her, and BE THERE for her! As someone who has been through an abortion, I will tell you honestly that it was a terrible experience for me (Just make sure you decide on the surgical route and that they put her WAY under!). Make sure to do what is the safest, most comfortable, and not the cheapest! HOWEVER, when I look at my decision, I KNOW it was right FOR ME. The guilt I would feel for bringing this child into this world under these circumstances is far worse than the guilt I feel today. She will struggle no matter what, and she will feel guilt no matter what. Please do not MAKE her decide. Just know that in all honesty she's looking at you for the way out. She's young enough that if you say, "I think you should get an abortion", that she can put blame on you. Are you OK with that? Perhaps that will be the biggest thing you could ever do for her as her mother. Make your own decision as to what YOU feel is best, and then be COMPLETELY honest with her. Know that if she has it, most likely it will be more yours... Stay strong!
Ok first of all No one should ever resort to ABORTION.. That is not the answer if you are having sex you have to also consier the consiquences.I was 15 when I got pregnant and thought about abortion but I also had to think about just because I was careless it's not fair to my unborn child.I am now 17 and my daughter is 8 months old.And I swear on the bible I wouldn't change anything that happened.I love her and she is my world.Every child is a gift from god now why would you even consider abortion you could always give he baby up for adoption.Please consider other options and E-mail me if your daughter needs someone to talk to.I know what she's going through.
I got when I was 14 1/2 the worst thing they could do is to talk about abort. Please lisign 2 what she wants 2 do, and be their for her and most impo. Talk to the baby's dad.
If I was her dad id find the guy and break him in half... girls her age shouldn't be getting pregnant or even be having sex... I believe in sex after marriage... cause with girls a lot of guys try to use that I love you line just to get them in bed and its as wrong as can be, just be there for her and love her, that's all you can do, I wouldn't know what to do either if I was her dad, id just be so pissed off and want revenge in everyway possible
Very good welldone
I'm 14 years old and I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant although I'm older then your daughter and ill be 15 on the 24th.. I think that you should talk to her.. it was very hard for me when my mom found out I was pregnant she kept pressuring me to abort.. I hated it I felt that even though I was young I had to make my own decision about it.. I'm sure its hard for you too... the lst thing you want for your daughter is this but its not the worst thing that could happen. Just make sure you go over with her how hard it is.. the morning sickness the swelling, the backaches and the stress of being sooo young. It is very hard for me and now I relize even after my mom told me. Having a child is a big responsibility. I think you should just remind her that you love her and let her make her own decision. And remember its not the worst thing that could happen..
You seem to wonder about this every time. If you need some info I will find a link for you [teasing {semi]] -- ZSavageQuote:
Originally Posted by worthbeads
I think that you need to sit down with your daughter and discuss the pros and cons of all scenarios. Adoption, abortion, keeping baby. Once she sees it written out like that I think the best answer will come to her. I am sure she is a smart girl who just made a stupid mistake. We have all been there at some point. Personally, I think at 14, she is far too young to care for a child. She can not hold a job, drive to the doctor, or rent an apartment. You will be the one caring for the child while she is in school, and since she can not hold a job or get an apartment, you will also be feeing, clothing, and housing the baby. That is not necessarily fair to you. She needs to consider that in her list. I also believe at 14 she is too young to carry a child. The baby could cause health issues in such a young body. Now, believe it or not I am Pro-choice, although I would never personally have an abortion, but I understand situations come up. I think that if she did manage to carry the child to full term, it could be born with a serious defect, and/or harm the girl. That isn't to say that abortion is the easy answer either, it could also pose health risks to the girl. If the baby was carried to term and born healthy, then you must face the emotional hardship that you daughter will undergo with adoption. I think you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here. You and her need to sit down together and really weigh all the situations. I wish your family the best of luck and I hope that I was able to help. I am really unsure what I would do in your situation, but I know for sure that I would listen and love my daughter, and support her in whatever decision SHE made. Because ultimately it is her life and her child at stake here. I also agree with some other posters that some sort of therapy or counselor would be beneficial. I am keeping you all in my prayers.
I 100% agree with you.
It's a big deal, she shouldn't even be sleeping with guys right now
I'm 27 I had a termination at 16 and it was my choice not my farthers but for 2 years I'm trying to conceive but just found out I'm 4 weeks pregnant what I'm trying to say it she has all her life to have a child but also can you live with regret esspecially if you make the chioce for her and in a few years time she throws this at you are you stroung enough to make the rite choice
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