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My 19 yr old son who is graduated from high school is dating a 13 yr old girl who is in middle school. He will not stop seeing her even if it means going to jail and being labeled a sex offender. What can I do? I have talked to him and he just won't listen.
Have you tried talking to her parents?
Then he will reap what he sows. It appears he's doesn't care. So expect him to have a tattoo of his new boyfriend soon.
Yes, you can expect most likely the 13 year old to end up pregnant and most likely you will never see the grand child.
You can expect him to be arrested and serve 3 to 10 years in prison, ( normally fairly hard time) GA sends a lot of its sex offenders to one specific prison, so he will get out with many more sexual issues after that.
But perhaps if your area has a shock program in its jail to show people what jail or prison is like.
But if he is willing to go to prison, he will have ruined his entire life over this and there is little if anything you can do.
First I would be sure if he is not obeying you, you pay for no gas, no car, no cell phone, no internet connections for him. So unless he has a job and is earning all his own money, he learns it is costly not to listen
There is a 6 year age gap. She is under-age and therefore his minor. But he can't be put on the sex offenders list if there is no sex right?
Maybe the reason he is being so defensive and not listening is because he knows that there is no sexual contact? Perhaps you are under estimating your son, and his girlfriend for that matter.
I speak from a teenage perspective, I'm 14 and I dated a 17 year old. I know the age gap is less, but the situation was the same. We loved each other and were happy for our relationship. We wanted to share this joy with our parents and so on, because we never had any kind of sex, we knew it was wrong so we didn't intend to so our relationship was perfectly fine... but all we ever got was lectures about how wrong our relationship was and how we'd better not be having sex! People trying to thrash our happiness! It was so annoying and eventually we got so annoyed we would argue back, shout and ignore our lecturers. That's probably what is also going through your sons mind, and the girls, so please try to see it from their point of view. It may seem as though they are being defensive but they are probably just fed up with it because they know they are not having sex.
The girl probably gets the same lectures "dont you think its a little bit off... he's using you... he's only interested in one thing...".
If however I am wrong, and they ARE having sex of any sort, they certainly wouldn't be open about it so don't expect to find out, unless you catch them, or she gets pregnant. If either of these things happen, it is of course up to the girls parents whether they report him. If they do he will go to jail. But if he's willing to go to jail that tells me he must like this girl very much, or think he does.
My opinion is that this will be over in a few months. Most relationships at the girls age don't last much longer than that.
Something will happen to split them up. They may of course be in the position where your son wants sex and she doesn't, in which case he will either dump her because she is "boring" or she'll get annoyed with being pressurised and dump him.
Its his decision at the end of the day, but please consider the fact that the only two people that know what's going on in this relationship is them. Their relationship may well be totally innocent.
But PLEASE make sure you are not punishing him for something he's not doing! As I said in my previous post the relationship may well be innocent!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
As a parent of a teen girl, I totally DISAGREE with the above post. At the age of 13 I would not allow my daughter to date a 19 year old. 6 years is too much of an age gap at this time in their lives. They are both in two different mindsets. While the 13 year old is still most likely in middle school, the 19 year old is most likely graduated from high school and geared toward college.
I'm not even bringing sex into the equation. Psychologically they are in two different paths of life at this time.
This bothers me. You seem to think its OK and in reality it is not. Do they have to have sex for him to be arrested and labeled ? No, There is a lot more to it then that. Just talking about it could get him in trouble with the law. Anything else could bring any number of charges including but not limited to parental interference. This boy need to realize that he is going to ruin his entire life if he remains on this path.Quote:
Originally Posted by imsurroundedbyfish
The laws are very clear and if he can't let go then he has a real problem and will be labeled a pedophile for the remainder of his life. 6 years at this stage in life is way too much.
I believe the law cannot be applied if he doesn't have sexual contact with the child. But, if he is so misguided as to fall in love with a girl who barely has pubs, I would assume that he will make the mistake of messing around with her. So it is either you put your foot down and control your son, or the law will.
Good Luck,
Javi
While I agree with fish, that we shouldn't assume there is sexual activity. We should be giving warnings about its dangers.
But there is another issue here. Its up to the girl's parents whether they allow her to date or not. If she and he are defying the girl's parents that can also get him in trouble.
But another part of the problem here is that the age gap at this stage of their lives is vast. He's an adult and should be thinking about college or a career. She's a child who is more concerned with her friends and school. It is unlikely there is more to their relationship since they are at very different development levels.
Depending on the state, her parents may be able to press statutory rape charges against just on the suspicion that there is something even remotely sexual going on. Just having the charges filed against him will be on his record permanently and he will have to deal with all the social stigmas that go with that. It will probably even limit his job choices, even if he isn't found guilty.
If he is charged, then it wouldn't necessarily even require the girl saying that they have had sex. It wouldn't take much for a lawyer to convince a jury that she is defending him either from a misplaced sense of love/hero-worship or because she's afraid he'll reject, or even hurt her, for telling the truth.
Why is he even looking at a 13 year old? Not only is there a HUGE maturity and interest gap, but they're also on two entirely different levels of physical maturity.
She is still in puberty, if she has even hit it, yet. Her body is still more child than adult, and will be for a couple more years. Even if she has hit puberty, her body is still growing and changing and won't fully mature until she's at least 16, and probably closer to 20.
Why is he even interested in someone so young? Is he going to take her out on group outings with his friends? Is he going to brag to all his college buddies about his girlfriend in middle school? Is he going to take her to see the latest disney film, because she's not old enough to see the films he's interested in? Is he going to get her tickets to justin beiber when he comes to town, because he's just 'SOOOO CUTE,' and listen to her rave about him and any other of the latest preteen-earlyteen heartthrobs? Is he going to lie when they're out on dates and pretend she's his little sister so he doesn't get funny looks?
Is he prepared to do nothing more than hold hands for the next 5 years so he doesn't get charged with statutory rape for sexual activity with a minor (yes, even kissing can be classed as sexual activity)?
If he still lives with you, then I'm with chuck that you need to cut him off financially. I would add that you prevent him from bringing her around your house, so you don't get in trouble for contributing to the delinquency of a minor or accessory to anything that may happen under your roof. I'm sure the last thing you need is legal trouble because of your son's actions.
Also at 13, if he merely touches her though clothing, that can be child moslesting. And just seeing her against parent permission can be parental interference or the DA in some areas could go for kidnapping if he was told not to take her anywhere and did anyway
Quote:
Originally Posted by imsurroundedbyfish
My conern is that you seem to think these "age difference" relationships are a good idea, are not harmful, yet you post of your insecurities and tendency to rush relationships. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/teens/...ad-574456.html
I wonder how much this early relationship has contributed to your insecurity now.
Thank you for the responses. The girl's parents don't care what she does and that she is dating a boy way to old for her. Before this girl, my son was a terrific kid, popular, well behaved and well mannered but now I have no control over him and he is this totally different person.Quote:
Originally Posted by klkl57
He works and pays for his own stuff. His father (my ex) has told me in front of him, that I have no right to tell him what to do and that I need to leave him alone, this is his decision. However, if something would happen, his father will not be there for him as he is really not there for him now. But this was a way for him to get back at me so my son is running with it.
I don't want to lose my son and I don't want to see him throw his life away for this girl. However, I may not have any choice but to let go. Someone mentioned if he gets into trouble, I could be dragged into it as an accomplice. I don't want to be dragged into this. This girl is not allowed in my home, my vehicles, or able to call my house. He always sneaks off to see her or just tells me he is going. However, her mother and uncle fully approve of this relationship and don't see any problems.
I am at a loss at what to do, I just want my son back!
My son has been with this girl for almost a year but I didn't know about it till a few months ago. They are not having sex -- that I know of! But according to the laws, even if he kisses her, he can get into a lot of trouble which is what they do a lot.Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
So your son was 18 and started dating a 12 year old ?Quote:
Originally Posted by klkl57
Yes, I guess that is correct. Any suggestions how I can possible fix this situation?Quote:
Originally Posted by califdadof3
Oh my gosh! 12 and 19? Makes no sense. No, you are not an accomplice.
What you are doing is enabling him - he wants to live by his own rules, then he should stand on his own two feet. That involves a job, rent and all that goes along with being an adult.
If he has been lying to you about this relationship for a period he has not always had a good relationship with you, been a good kid.
Let's hope the parents don't change their minds and decide this relationship is inappropriate. It could get very, very nasty for your son, parental interference being the least of the possible charges.
To be totally frank I see no reason a 17 year old would be dating a 12 year old (and they both continue to age, of course) for any reason BUT sex - talking about sex, experimenting with sex, "grooming" her to have sex. I can't imagine the attention a 12 year old dating a 17 year old would get. I would think the 17 year old's friends would shun him but possibly not.
And the person who finds no problems with this relationship posts on another thread about how anxious she is in relationships - perhaps stemming back to this time in her life?
Thank you. I didn't realize I was enabling him to do this. I have been against it since the I found out and I have cut him off everything as long as he is with her.
Yes he was a good son and we did have a good relationship until this girl walked into the pictures. I never had these problems when my son dated in high school girls his own age. However, I do admit the relationship is damaged now and I am beginning to see that there is nothing I can do but let him take the fall when it happens. I don't want his brothers and I being dragged into this anymore and we have talked ourselves blue trying to get him to drop her.
I think you are a smart woman - at some point kids will stumble and fall. You've done your best to stop the fall and now you've got to be prepared to nurse him back to help AFTER the fall.
Your caring shows. You, unfortunately, are in a helpless position.
And not dragging the family into this sounds like a wonderful plan, one that will keep your family solid, ready to help him if/when he needs help.
I wish you well.
Thank you.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.
You also could be a great help when it comes to answering questions for other parents. Please consider staying with "us."
We'd love your company!
Part of the attraction may be "forbidden fruit". The more you fight against this relationship the harder he wants to continue it.
So I would recommend that you let him know that you do not approve of this relationship but if he insists, you will try to make the best of it.
My concern was that you could get in trouble for your son's actions in your household. Since you don't allow her near your house, vehicle, or phone, I can't see any way trouble could bleed over onto you.Quote:
Originally Posted by klkl57
Unfortunately, he's a legal adult. There's not really much you can do to influence his actions, and he's the one that has to live with their consequences. The only thing you can do is let your stance be known and make him aware of the possible consequences that may arise.
It's too bad her family cares so little for their little girl.
I'm wondering how you know this. Did your son tell you? Or have you spoken to the girl's parents. Unless you have gotten it directly from them you may have been lied to.Quote:
Originally Posted by klkl57
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