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I like to check in on my daughter's my space from time to time. There was never anything worth getting fired up about. I was just on and read a conversation she had with a boy about what they were going to do sexually the next time they were going to see each other. I felt sick. She is only 14 and she has never ever given me any reason to believe she was ever doing anything like this. I need to address this with her. Any advice on how?
Sit her down and talk to her in a firm but caring way about birth control and using condoms. You can't be everywhere. She is going to have sex whether you want her to or not. Best you can do is make sure she is protected and make sure she feels comfortable enough to talk to you or come to you with questions or to talk.
She doesn't need to know you found out on My Space, but realistically, she put it out there in a public forum and that's not safe. You have a right to take issue with that.
You can let her know you don't feel she is ready, talk about abstinence, etc. Take her to the doctor and get her whatever birth control method she is comfortable with - because you want her to be prepared for when she is ready.
In the end you need to make sure she has all the education and tools to make the right choices. That includes open access to you without feeling like you're going to come down on her.
I can understand that you felt sick, I would if it were my girl (she is 13).
First, block her MySpace account, a child, and yes she is a child (I have 4 ages 20, 19, 13, and 4), should never have access to a computer where parents cannot monitor every minute if they feel it is necessary. Our computer is in the family room for all to see and hear.
Now, this is how I would handle the situation if it were me.
You need to sit her down and tell her that you saw her MySpace. Tell her that she is 14 and that the majority of her privacy will come when she is an adult living in her own home, until then you are the parent and she is the child. Tell her what you read on MySpace. Let her know that you are ashamed and embarrassed that at 14 she is planning on becoming sexually active. Make sure she knows that sex can, and does, result in pregnancy and sometimes STDs. Let her know that right now she is too young to handle all of that and that school is very important and boys will come in time. But this is not the time. Most importantly discuss it with her open and honestly. Has she met this boy? Do you know him? Is it someone she met online? Do you know how old he is?
I have discussed MySpace with my 13 year old gal. I have let her know that while it is a fun place to "hang out," there are sexual predators who target that website searching for young girls. After our discussion we agreed that MySpace was off limits to her. Notice that I said WE.
Putting her on birth control makes me nervous. I would feel like I'm giving her a green light.
I know she's not ready. She's only in the 8th grade.
Yes she knows this boy. I know him as well. They are involved in a music program together. She is well aware of sexual predators and her my space is marked private. I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.
I would NEVER put her on birth control. I don't think I said that, I hope you did not take me wrong. NO WAY, UNUH!!
Now, tell me,
Do you know the boy?
Did she meet him online?
How old is he, or say he is?
Does he go to her school?
LOL, yes, it is going to be a long night.
Now, one thing I want to say is Whew, you know the kid. Good it is not a predator.
Maybe after having your talk with her, you have a talk with his mother.
I understand. My daughter was 14, too. And you don't know that she hasn't already had sex. No amount of coaxing or discipline will change the fact that she may still go right out and have sex again. I could have stood on my priciples and hoped that I could change her mind but the possibility of her getting pregnant or getting an STD is all too real. The odds are not good. You have to be willing to take that chance. I was not.
PS. By the way, when I found out, she was already active. I was floored. I am a traditional Mom and was not okay with it. I spoke with her doctor and a therapist before I decided. They agreed. Do what you are comfortable with, but know that you can't be there every minute. What will you do if she comes to you in a month and says she's pregnant?
jonalisa is right if she is already having sex. But you have to confront her to find out.
However, I have to slightly disagree with the fact that no amount of coaxing or discipline will change that fact. If the discipline is done in the right way, yes, it will change. How we discipline is different for every child and every situation. Since we don't know your child we can only give suggestions on how we did things, but that does not mean that it will work for you.
From the tone of the conversation I could tell she wasn't having intercourse yet. The topic was more about foreplay type things. She does mention however that she was getting bored with those things. That was very alarming to say the least. The only promise that was there was she turned down his request for a "bj".
If she hasn't become active, it is likely she will soon. Do you know with 100% certainty?
Well, all I can say is that my daughter was active well before I knew about it. It blew me away. I had always mentioned it, tried to keep communication open - letting her know it was important to tell me if she was going to be active. Of course, I also made it clear that she was young and might think herself ready before she understood the ramifications, and that while she did not have my consent, I would be there for her.
Later, I asked her why she didn't come to me and she said it was because she knew I would disapprove and didn't want to disappoint me. She is a very intelligent girl, yet chose to have unprotected sex rather than face me about it. I also learned at that time that her classmates considered her a late bloomer. Things are just not what we think they are sometimes.
Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning sex at that age, at all. But you need to face what you can and can't control. Things have changed and if we stay in denial, it won't protect our kids.
Good luck-
Jonalisa
This is exactly why I say that each child is as individual as the circumstances involved. Some are like yours jonalisa, yet some are like mine (well at least 3 of them). They believe we will disapprove, well, hello! Of course we will at that tender age, but what is done is done.
Ok, I'm going to ring in here. First, there is the possibility that this is just talk. If you were able to see this conversation then you either have her password (a good thing) and she knows it, or it was in a space that she knew other people could see. So maybe the kids rigged this to see if the 'rents were paying attention. I really find it hard to accept that they would carry on such a conversation where they know other people can see it if it wasn't a goof.
Second, given her birth control is not giving her permission. But it could potentially save her life. If she has decided to be sexually active, then there is very little you can do, short of locking her up, to stop it. So which would you rather have happen, that she has unprotected sex or protected sex? I would let her know, in no uncertain terms, that you do not condone her having sex, that you do no want her to be come sexually active and that you will be disappointed in here if she does. But you also have to explain to her that her health and her future are even more important to you. That if she is going to be foolish and defy you on this that you at least want to make sure she does it safely.
I would also bring the conversations to the attention of the boy's parents. Then need to have some talk with him about statutory rape and other things.
And finally, I'm going to say something that I believe but will probably set some people off. I don't believe that being sexually intimate is necessarily wrong. It is my belief that the main reason to restrict sexual activity before marriage is because the family unit was designed to nurture children so to bring a child into the world without that family unit is wrong. To bring a child into a situation where the mother is not mature enough to care for it is wrong. To shorten a girl's childhood with having to care for a baby is wrong. These are good and valid reasons young people should not engage in sexual intercourse or at least unprotected sexual intercourse. But, there are other ways where two people can give each other sexual pleasure without the risks involved in intercourse. So, In my opinion its not wrong to be intimate, but it is wrong to risk having a baby before one is ready.
Before I can really answer was this boy one of her friedns?Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsh
Do you know Him? Well?
Please do not be in such a hurry to post --If you had read though the thread first your question would have been answered:pQuote:
Originally Posted by dgilmou
Scott, about your argument pertaining to the daughter trying to see some kind of response from the mom... I just can't get behind it. Mainly because fourteen year old girls, and I don't want to offend anyone, are not that bright. I have a sister that is sixteen years old, and her friends come over and I talk to them, and I have just seen the amount of ignorance that they possess. The whole age group in general isn't exactly "street smart", or possesses enough awareness to realize that someone might be watching...
My problem with birth control is this: While it is definitely the safer move, I can only believe that your girl will see it as you condoning her sexual activity. Even if you specifically say that you don't. But I would put her on it. To me the risk isn't worth the reward. I would say that you should teach her about safe sex, and hope for the best. Explain to her all you want about values and principles and I do hope she learns some, but like some people here said, she will do it with or with out your consent. It's better to have her protected than not protected.
Besides that, I hope the best for your daughter, and I honestly think that she is a good girl just caught up in the culture that my generation lives in. All in all, I wish you the best of luck...
wizzkid89 hit the nail on the head. She knows I check in on her. She, for some reason left this stuff up. We had a long talk after she got home from school. At the end she admitted that she was thinking of doing these things.(2nd and 3rd base) She told me that some of her friends have. I also went back and reread the my space conversation. The boy was the one who said "done that so many timed it's not even fun anymore". She told me nothing happened that night in question and I believe her. I will however keep a closer eye on her.
I'm sorry but I really don't agree with wizz here. Since you say she knows you check and based on your reported conversation, I think she left the stuff up deliberately (even if subconsciously). I think she is going through a tough time and didn't know how to talk to you about it or even to say no. So getting "caught" forced the issue.Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsh
Sounds to me like you handled it well.
I understand why you feel that way, but you also don't have a right to check her space like that, its her own personal stuff. But you should confront her and talk about it.Quote:
Originally Posted by mrsh
Sorry, but I totally disagree with you here. A parent has EVERY right, in fact an obligation to know all about what their children are up to. The parent is responsible for the child's well being. What would be wrong is if the parent did the checking without the child's knowledge, which wasn't the case.Quote:
Originally Posted by strong__dan
I suspect you are not a parent, when you are, I think you will understand us better.
Oh, I TOTALLY and STRONGLY disagree with this.Quote:
Originally Posted by strong__dan
Yes, she does, it is done in her house, on her computer. She is the mother she has every right to check on her daughter.Quote:
Originally Posted by strong__dan
It is obvious you are not a parent. And IF you are then it is because of parents like you that some children act the way they do today.
They are CHILDREN they need guidance, that is what parents are there for. Too many parents like you treat their CHILDREN as adults and give them WAY too much freedom. This is a recipe for disaster!
I could not agree with you more. A few years ago at a H&S meeting a mother spoke. She told the story of her child and how she committed suicide. She went on to explain that after her daughter's death she went through her things and found every red flag imaginable. The Mom went on and gave the advice to look through the books and the computer. If she had not been so concerned about letting her kid have some privacy she would probably be alive. A little big brother can go a long way with you kids.
What century are you people from? Discipline? Not putting her on BC? Please, you can't really believe that those are realistic options.
Putting her on BC gives her a green light? OK let's drop this war cry of the republicans and religious right. It protects her. Tell her its important to use it and condoms all the time. Or would you prefer that she stop talking to you altogether, then sneaking around and banging this guy in the back of a car or hotel with nothing? Think back to when you were a teenager. You were going to do whatever you wanted to do regardless of your parent's opinions, so at least help her make informed, safe decisions.
As for the discipline - try it. What are you going to do, ground her for having sex? Sure, then she goes back to sneaking around and doing it when you're not able to keep tabs on her - after school, friend's house, etc. it amazes me that people lose all contact with reality once they become parents. You were a kid and did stupid stuff too, remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Dead on J_9! Tried to spead the love but couldn't. I will totally keep in touch with what my son will be doing and is doing-- he needs to know right from wrong BEFORE it happens.
I'll probably be coming here for lots of advice when he reaches his teens! Ugh:eek:
I just thought ide give my opinion as I have just turned 15 and I may be able to relate to your daughters point of view a little better than some, I know that I am not a mother and I'm sure it does make you feel sick and I'm sure it worries you, but if she thinks she is ready then.. maybe she is.. I lost my vaginity to my boyfriend when I was 13.. & I was ready.. no one thought I was bad for doing it.. because evryone could see I was ready.. I don't believe in sex with random boys.. I think girls should have more respect for themselves than that.. but these days by the time you are 14 a lot of people would have had sex,most of my friends have and had done by the time they were 14.. some girls see it as the only way too get attention from boys.. and if that's the case then they need to be told differently but some girls see it as love.. just because we are young doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing.. a 14 year old girl doesn't have to be wrong to have sex.. ahd she wouldn't necessarily regret it either.. I totally understand what all you mums are saying.. and I know that my mother would feel the same way if she knew that I have had sex.. but I am still with the boy that I lost my vaginity too.. and I am proud of that.. why would I be ashamed.. I may be 15 but I can make my own discisons and most of the time they are the right ones too.. I am not by all means saying that you should just let your daughter go out and do whatever she wants but.. maybe you should let her know that you wouldn't be angry at her if she did decide to something like that.. because if she thinks your going too shout at her and punish her then she'll just do it behind your back.. for example when I go to parties I ask my mum to buy me a bit of alcohol.. if I thought she would turn round and say no.. now your not going to the party.. I wouldn't ask her too get it for me.. I would just get it behind her back.. and I'm sure all mums would rather know what there daughters doing than worry about it all the time. You seem like a really good and caring mum and its nice that you worry so much.. but honestly if she thought you were going to get angry about it and punish her for it.. she will just do it behind your back in the future, but I think from a girls point of view you did the right thing by talking to her about it. XXx Good Luck xXx
I have to wonder who is this everyone who could see you were ready is. Because, frankly, I can tell you they are wrong. At 13, 14 or 15 you are NOT ready to have a child. You have neither the experience, the emotional stability, the financial resources or anything else necessary to raise a child.Quote:
Originally Posted by RosieLovesRob
Your whole note indicates a lack of maturity that further shows your lack of readiness.
I don't expect you to believe me since you are too selfishly wrapped up in your own wants (more evidence of your lack of readiness). But I had to comment on the bad advice you gave here.
Welll that's fair enough.. im not saying that were all ready too have children.. but I don't think our minds should be made up by other people. Only we can decide weather were ready or not.. no one else.. im young.. but not stupid.. and same goes for many other teenagers.. I am just saying if she tells her daughter not to do something then the chances are.. she will probably go right out and do it.. because that's how a teenagers mind works.. but I know that none of you would agree with anything I'm saying because your all mums and just look at me and think she must be imature thinking she's in love and thinking she's ready for sex and ready for a relationship.. no one can tell me weather I'm ready or not and same goes to your daughter.. I am just giving my opinion.. like everyone else.. I may be wrong.. but if so.. it is not because I am young and immature! XXx
See that's my point. I do not believe that anyone (male or female) should be having intercourse unless they are prepared to have a baby. No birth control is 100%. So if you were not ready to have a baby, you have no business doing something that could result in in one.Quote:
Originally Posted by RosieLovesRob
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't be intimate with your boyfriend. I'm not so naïve that I expect young people to not experiment. But there are ways to enjoy the intimacy without the risks.
As for making up your minds for you, you have shown that you are too young to make this decision for yourself.
Yeah okk I understand that.. and thanks for your opinion and yeah that's true.. I already made that decision 2 years ago and haven't had regrets once so I personally believe that shows that I made the right decision.. but OK I understand your point.. thanks xx
Rosie, the decision you made, you think is right for you right now.
However, you may think differently in about 10 years. So bear with us here, we have years of experience on us. You are but 15 tender years, when I was 15 I thought I knew everything too. Until I had my first child. Now, I swear I have turned into my mother, because even though I did not want to believe it, she did know more than I did.
Sorry, but the fact that you haven't regretted that decision doesn't prove it was the right one. All it proves is that nothing bad has resulted from that decision YET!
Honestly, I don't believe that rosie will regret her decision. If she hasn't already, I don't see any basis for her regretting it other than wanting to have saved herself for marriage. Which obviously wasn't her choice, and that's perfectly acceptable. However, I do believe your experience was an anomaly, and that the majority of the time, girls who are that young do not have a pleasurable "first time".
As with girls 13-15 having sex this early, I believe, rather adamantly, that it's wiser to wait. Now this is not to say that I think one should be prepared on all the fronts Scott brought up, financially, emotionally etc. But I do believe that a person who engages in sex should be prepared to make those adjustments and accept the consequences, whether that be to keep the baby or abort it. I may have misinterpreted your statement Scott, but what I understood from it was that a couple should have every one of the fronts you brought up covered, and I imagined a closet full of pampers...
I have to agree with j_9. As parents we bring years of experience to the table. It's not as if you become a parent and you suddenly become stiff and a prude.
I know when I was a young teen girl I was pretty sure I had all the answers. I also thought I knew what was best for me. Looking back now, I didn't know squat.
"If I knew then what I know now"
So, as Moms and Dads we try to guide our kids with knowledge that can only be acquired over the years. I had every kind of friend growing up. Some turned out great, some didn't.
I know every one of there stories and the mistakes they made. I know the mistakes that I made and I don't want my kids to make the same mistakes. Having sex at 13 or 14 is a huge mistake.
Also, spelling "there" was a mistake.:rolleyes:
It is a huge mistake, but there is a flaw with that theory. On life changing decisions like this one, it's important to inform the child that he or she is making a huge mistake and if required intervene. However, doing this all the time will give the kid a dependency on the parent that will only be detrimental to the child as their life progresses. So it's important to say, let the bird spread it's wings on his/hers own and try and fly from the nest. However, like I said, with circumstances like these intervention is inevitable.
OK.. I agree that the majority of the time it is a big mistake.. 14 year olds becoming pregnant.. 15 year olds with sexual infections.. but sometimes it isn't a 'mistake' even if I am pregnant now.. and even if my boyfriend that I've been with for two years walked away.. I still wouldn't consider it as a mistake, we have broken up before and we have been apart for very long periods.. at some points I thought we would never get back together but never once did I regret having sex with him.. even when I thought it was the end of our relationship.. because I have lost my vaginity too my first love and personally I would rather that than losing it when I am 20 to a random man from a night club.. I know that I have made many mistakes.. and having a sexual relationship so young has caused many of them.. but I do not regret losing my vaginity to the boy I love.. despite the fact that I was so young.. it isn't about weather teen sex is right or wrong.. because it totally depends on the circumstances but personally me being in the circumstances that I am in now.. I don't believe that I made a mistake.. I don't regret it now.. and I don't think I will regret it in ten years time.. I know that I won't be with my boyfriend all my life.. nothing lasts forever.. but just because he may not be the boy I spend the rest if my life with doesn't mean that losing my vaginity to him was a mistake.. there aren't many people that are married to the man that they lost there vaginity too. My mum fell in love with a boy at my age, got engaged to him at my age, lost her vaginity to him at my age, married him at 17 and stayed married to him for 20 years.. and gave birth and raised two beautiful children by him.. do you think she regrets having sex with him so young?. She is a wonderful mum and she worries about her daughter having sex just like any decent mother would.. but she wouldn't try telling me not to do so.. there would be no point..
I am understanding everything your saying and I agree with a lot of it.. but saying that I must of made a mistake because I'm young? I strongly dissagree.. I don't think anyone could possibly be able too tell me weather I was wrong for doing so and I don't think anyone could tell me that I was not ready because only I am able to tell weather I was ready.. no one else. I was ready.. it didn't change anything.. it just brought me and my boyfriend closer.. your first sexual relaionship should be with your first love.. and mine was.. I was happy when I did it.. I was happy before I did it.. and I am happy now.. and I always will be happy that I made that decision.. despite weather I stay with him or not.. it was not a mistake.
You should get her the right info. Condoms, birth control, STD testing centers. Tell her that although you're giving her this info that it doesn't mean it's okay for her to go out and have sex. And tell her to make sure to get him tested. Never would you want her to catch something.
AND NEVER EVER EVER come to her and just tell her no she can't go out and do these things. Don't just stomp your foot on things, 'cause that might cause her to do it to spite you... A form of rebellion.
But you forget the fact that children ARE dependent on their parents. The whole point of the family as an institution is to nurture children until they are ready to fend for themselves. Sure there comes a point when parents need to let go. That point comes earlier for some, later for others. Almost always the child and the parent will disagree about when that point comes. But the parent has a responsibility towards the child and they have to do what they think is right.Quote:
Originally Posted by wizzkid89
This is why I am against children having intercourse (note, I'm being specific here). Because they are just not ready to deal with a child.
If you admit you have made mistakes then deep down you really do regret your choice. You just can't admit it to yourself.Quote:
Originally Posted by RosieLovesRob
Now before you jump all over me, based on what you have written here, I think you will be OK. I think you do understand that, if your actions have worked out for you, you represent the exception not the rule. I just read about a study that showed that girls who lose their virginity earlier than their peers are 20% more likely to fall into delinquency and other problems. I'm assuming, since you seem to have avoided pregnancy and STDs, that you are practicing safe sex, so at least you have shown some degree of responsibility there.
My main point in responding to your initial post in this thread was that, while things may have worked out for you, the advice you gave was not really good advice.
To sum up my advice here. I do not believe ANYONE should engage in intercourse until they are prepared to deal with pregnancy. I believe that no one should become intimate with anyone else at any level, unless there is a strong emotional attachment present.
Guess what Scott, she is waiting to see a doctor because she thinks she may be pregnant.Quote:
Originally Posted by ScottGem
She also says that her and her boyfriend of 2 years have been broken up for a long time. I am wondering what constitutes a "long time" this day in age.
Yeah... She has all of the information she needs. I don't keep my kid in a bubble. She has her own life. She will and does make her own mistakes. Excuse me for not wanting to be a grandmother or... bail my kid out of jail or... check her into rehab.I know she is going to do things I don't approve of. Asserting a bit of independence is normal and healthy, it's how we all mature. She is a well rounded kid and she confides in me all the time. I am the "cool Mom" in her circle. They tell everything. I would never buy the booze or tell them it's OK to have sex at 13 or 14.
Oh, by the way. She doesn't even talk to this boy anymore.
OOPS!Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
Well if she is then the regrets will soon start piling up.
They did a feature on ABC News last night about college students volunteering to teach Sex Ed and other Health related topics for middle and high school students. Seems the younger kids related better to people closer to their own age teaching them about such things.
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