Well me and my ex broke up after 3 years and I started hanging out with someone I was attracted to and friends with for a long time priar. However she is engaged with a guy she's not to sure if she will be with forever. The other night she kissed me, I tried to stop her but couldn't last to long as I liked her before. Then one thing led to another and three days later we slept together. Although I hate myself for doing it, not because I didn't want to but because she is engaged and I don't want to be the reason they broke or break up. Now should I hate myself should I be mad at myself. She is the one that started it although I could have stopped it. She doesn't regret it and well maybe it would save her from marrying they guy she doesn't know if she can be with forever. Does this make me a bad person?

No, this does not make you a bad person.

You are single, you can sleep with who ever you want.

If she wants to cheat on her fiancé, then that is her choice.

It's not like there are children involved.

Although I wouldn't recommend dating this girl since if she can cheat on him, she can also cheat on you.

Yes, I would NOT get involved with this woman.

Please don't.

As I always say... ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER. SHE WILL CHEAT ON YOU ONE DAY - WITH OUT ANY REGRETS. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS. People who cheat have some weird wiring that they feel it's OK to cheat and try and justify inside that it's OK.

Obviously she shouldn't be getting married either. I feel bad for the schmuck that's marrying her... he has to have some gut insinct that she's no good.

Were not going to hook up its more or less just a fling so does it make me bad now?

P.S. who knows maybe one day but right now I highly dought we would ever get together.

I won't say it makes you a bad person but sleeping with someone else's fiancée isn't a good thing. She's definitely as much to blame as you are, in a sense even more so since she's the one who's engaged to someone else. If she's so unsure of having a future with this guy then she had no business accepting an engagement in the first place. I don't think you can rationalize having slept with her as a way of "rescuing" her from a unhappy marital commitment. Ultimately that's a decision she has to make for herself, whatever feelings she may have for you notwithstanding. It sounds like you care for this girl but if she were to break off the engagement with this other guy and become "available" I'd be very leery as it sounds like she doesn't use very prudent judgement. After all she slept with someone while engaged to someone else. If you and her become involved and she begins to develop some doubts (which is almost inevitable in any serious relationship) do you want her to "resolve" them by sleeping with someone else?

Yes it is a terrible thing, and you are no doomed to hell for all eternity.

What you want to here? Yes of course you should have not slept with someone that is enganged, and if she slept with you, she should break the engagement off, since it means she is not committed to this person, and if she as you said, does not believe she wants to be with him forever, she should break off the engagement.

Now you were "hanging" with her, of course you wanted her to fall for you and most likely yes you wanted to sleep with her. You are trying to rationalise it to make it sound like a noble thing.

Well first of course I don't believe in "sleeping" together if you are not married, so even if you were both free I would still condemn it but hey, that is my job, see the collar?

Now it does not sound like she wanted to be engaged, hanging out with other guys, saying she did not want to be with him forever, but that is her and most certainly her fiancés BIG PROBLEM.

I don't think you need to be invovled with her until she decides what she wants. Of course could you really ever trust her, would you see her doing with someone else what she did with you?

I don't think you're a bad person either. The one who is in a relationship is her and she initially made the choice to cheat on her fiancée. But I'm going to look at the other side of this issue. Some are saying.. "ounce a cheater always a cheater" I think that things in life aren't always so cut and dry, black and white. The question is: why did she cheat on her fiancée? It isn't impossible to fall out of love with someone even if it is a fiancée. How do we know that this fiancée didn't cheat on her and she felt it was payback? How do we know that there isn't something missing in her relationship that maybe she is finding in you. And lastly how do we know she regrets what she did. And possibly feels horrible about it.

Im not saying cheating is right. It never is. Im just merely pointing out the possible reasons she slipped up. And at this point she needs to ask herself if this man that she's engaged to is the right person for her, now that she's crossed the line. Did she ever tell you why she wanted to sleep with you. If I were you I would just back off for now.. no fling no contact. She's going to have to work this mess out on her own.

Though the flip side to this is what everyone has mentioned.. maybe she is a cheater and just doesn't care... in that sense you need to be weary of her.

I know that I probley shouldn't have done what I did however I did it and don't really regret it, although it did make life a little more difficult. I guess life will go on though, but it was one of the first times I just let life happen instead of trying to plan my every move. So it was kind of nice and one heck of an experience to walk on the wild side for a change, but I guess time will tell how wise it really was. I do think that letting life just happen to a certain extent is a great thing it keeps things spontainous and kind of keeps you on the edge of your seat. Thus making life a little more exciting and not so blan. However maybe I stepped over the line I don't know but whatever happens next is going to be a mystery for now and who knows. Anyway thanks all for you opinons they were better then I expected.

Hi, wrongful,
You have some very good answers already.
Just would like to add that "No", it doesn't make you a bad person.
Now, if you get more into it, and think about sleeping with a Married woman, then I would have to say "Don't even think about it".
What happened was a result of the girl, not you. She is the one who made the choice, and her engagement was in trouble long before she met you!

You are not the bad person here, she is. She is the one that has cheated on her partner and is leading you down a path of confusion. She has issues she needs to deal with quite clearly and if she does not want to be with her partner but is quite happy to be engadged to him then that's down to her. This is not your problem and it's you should not make it your problem.

At the end of the day she is the one digging herself a very big hole, so let her do so; but withput taling you down with her.

I don't believe you a truly a bad person for doing for you did, as its not you that cheated. But the fact that you knew she was engaged makes a slight difference I think. I would watch your next move though. You can't decide for her by saying it would save her from marrying the wrong person, sleeping with someone else is definitley not the right way of her making that decission. Id stay away until she makes up her mind because if you keep on seeing her you'll probably get attached to her, and then what if she still gets married!

Hi Wrongful.
I think you need to ask yourself what YOU really feel about the situation. The fact that you are asking if you are "a bad person" means that you may already have judged yourself that way, underneath the statements of "I do not feel guilty..."
If you find that you are feeling something negative about this you may want to look into your own values and see if you may have crossed a line somewhere. Only you can know the answer to that. If you have violated something there (important that its YOUR values, not someone else's that you think about) it may be a good idea to forgive yourself, plan not to repeat this violation of your own code... and press on.

You both are bad, naughty people.

Three Hail Mary's and 20 pushups now!

Look, you KNOW its wrong. It's a rhetorical question.

She's used you once and maybe she'll use you again as an excuse.

You are guilty of liking a person a lot and making a stupid choice...

" she is engaged with a guy shes not to sure if she will be with forever"... now how silly is that statement? If she's getting cold feet, she needs to figure it out.

As for you, you need a little more willpower. Tho' she's more seriously in error, sleeping with people who are engaged is bad. Not good. It takes two to tangle, tango, whatever.

I disagree that she'd doomed to forever be a cheater. She's obviously not ready to be married and not willing to break it off yet for some reason. But yeah, if you guys decide to make a go of it you'll probably be asking for trouble... at least until she figures out what she wants.

Cheers bizygurl, I have seen this happen to many times.

That pic of me and pete was taken last Friday - I thought it was rather cute and just had to display it as my aviatar. :) xxx

I would like to add to my previous comments. Although I know that its probley not right to sleep with someone who is engaged. The thing that gets me is this whole thing is against my nature, I mean never in my life have I done anything nor thought I would do anything like this, but I did and the funny thing is I'm kind of glad it made me look at life a little differently and realize and fix things that I could never imagine to do. In a sense its helped in the way that I can just let life happen and to an extent you have to and that's one thing Im going to take from this no matter what happens. However, the other funny thing is I don't regret it, and I have never ever felt like this about a girl. Now the feeling I have I'm not sure what it is I can't say its love I can't say its not. I can't say its anything specific its just different and I never had this feeling before. The cool thing is that she did say she will never forget me and to be honest I don't think she ever will. I think there's this weird connection between us that I have never felt nor had with anyone else but only time will tell what kind of a connection it really is. The only thing I'm worried about now is if she gets married to this guy but he's not the right one. I don't know if he is or isn't only she knows that, I just hope that when she makes that decision she does what it is she honestly thinks she should do and what she wants to do. Whatever it is I will support her... sorry... I will not hate her for any decision she makes. I know that me and her are most likely never to become anything or even give it a try, but for now I'm enjoying the time with her.

I would also like to say that once a cheater always a cheater is a false statement. Now I have never cheated on anyone and hopefully never will so can't be 100% sure but I do know that just because people have cheated for whatever reason they might not... sorrry... won't if its someone there really hard core about someone who they can't afford to lose because if they do there world is destroyed so just because someone cheated or made a mistake in there life doesn't mean they will always do it.

Have you ever made a mistake? But later stopped and never made that mistake again... I have and guess what Im sure you have too people can change its not easy but its possible and they will change if they really want to. Keyword IF.

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Originally Posted by wrongful hurtings

I would like to add to my previous comments. Although I know that its probley not right to sleep with someone who is engaged. The thing that gets me is this whole thing is against my nature, I mean never in my life have I done anything nor thought I would do anything like this, but I did and the funny thing is I'm kinda glad it made me look at life a little differently and realize and fix things that I could never imagine to do. In a sense its helped in the way that I can just let life happen and to an extent you have to and thats one thing Im going to take from this no matter what happens. However, the other funny thing is I dont regret it, and I have never ever felt like this about a girl. Now the feeling I have im not sure what it is I can't say its love I can't say its not. I can't say its anything specific its just different and I never had this feeling before. The cool thing is that she did say she will never forget me and to be honest I don't think she ever will. I think theres this weird connection between us that I have never felt nor had with anyone else but only time will tell what kind of a connection it really is. The only thing I'm worried about now is if she gets married to this guy but hes not the right one. I don't know if he is or isn't only she knows that, I just hope that when she makes that decision she does what it is she honestly thinks she should do and what she wants to do. Whatever it is I will support her...sorry...I will not hate her for any decision she makes. I know that me and her are most likely never to become anything or even give it a try, but for now I'm enjoying the time with her.

I would also like to say that once a cheater always a cheater is a false statement. Now I have never cheated on anyone and hopefully never will so can't be 100% sure but I do know that just because people have cheated for whatever reason they might not...sorrry...won't if its someone there really hard core about someone who they can't afford to lose because if they do there world is destroyed so just because someone cheated or made a mistake in there life doesn't mean they will always do it.

Have you ever made a mistake? but later stopped and never made that mistake again......I have and guess what Im sure you have too people can change its not easy but its possible and they will change if they really want to. Keyword IF.

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The cheater statement was not aimed at you, it was aimed at this girl who has a fiancée and in my experience of men who have done this to me, they never change their spots. My ex is with another girl now and is doing to her what he did to me and he has a proceeding line of women before hand who is also did it too. But lets not loose site of the important thing here.

People come in to our lives all the time, some stay forver, some stay for a short period and some come and go. The reason they all come into our life is to help us out of a tricky situation, to teach us something about ourselves or about life, or to be there for us.

This girl obviously landed on your doorstep to teach something about life and about yourself. This is always a good thing and aids you in becoming a much better and stronger person (even though you were a great guy anyway) - but there is always room for everyone to improve on something as no one is perfect. This is why you don't regret it and on the other hand you have done nothing wrong anyway. She has made a mistake cheating on her fiancée and fingers crossed that she has learnt something out of all of this and hopefull will do the right thing by her fiancée and come clean. Staring a marriage based on lies or deception leaves only one thing - FALIURE!!

Your feelings are all mixed up because you have never done anything like this before and even though you don't feel bad about it - (which you don't need to anyway) you need to realise that this is a turning point for you and the only way to go now is forward - you are taking the first steps into shaping yourself as a person!!

That was the most interesting and straight forward thing I have ever read and well how very well written

Well it came to an end the enjoyment, the out of the blue activities and well she decided tonight that she's going to try to work things out with her fiancé and well were not going to be sleeping together obivisoly I can't say I didn't see it coming but there was a little hope I had of something else happening but I guess not, now I have to get on with my life but its tough because I really like the company and companion ship its not event the sex that matters it's the talk and the time spent together but now I have no one to share my life with and well Im the kind of guy who needs someone weather its just a really good friend or something more I just want a girl to hang out with. SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?

Whenever you get that "urge" just take a peek down at her finger and look at her ring. That's what I did, and found it to be kind of funny afterwards.

Yes you like & want the companionship and the closeness with someone - you do not want the girl. Why don't you just stop seeing this girl so much and get out there and meet other people. Find that certain special someone to have companionship & closeness with, someone who isavaliable and able to give you back what you give them.

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Originally Posted by wrongful hurtings

that was the most interesting and straight forward thing I have ever read and well how very well written

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Thanks - I am glad I was able to help. I am a very blunt and down to earth girl. I always tell things like it is. That's why my friends respect me so much and always come to me when they want an honest perspective or namely the truth.

If my friends look awful in somethig, I won't sit there and be polite and say "Yeah y look great mate" - I will be blunt and honest "You look terrible, seriously mate need to change that top".

That's just me, straight to the point and honest! I could never let my friends make a fool of themselves and they would not respect me for letting them either.

*this is more angled at an earlier post than it is at you, wrongful*

The only issue I have, and I guess its just my opinion, is the early posts that said you did nothing wrong, you're single and can sleep with whomever you want.

If you are willing to say that as long as you are not in a committed relationship you should be able to have sex with whomever you want, married, engaged, bf/gf... then that shows a lack of respect for the trust and honesty that comes with committment.

I know. It's the other person who made the commitment. You are aiding and abeting in a moral downfall. Unless they lied to you and deceived you, you are taking part in an act that is generally looked down upon. When people have a relationship like this for a long period is called being a mistress (sorry, don't know the guy term... maybe that's the key... the guy gets off easy? )

Look, I'm so not generally an uptight person when it comes to intimate relations. You have the freedom to do with your body as you wish... but don't act like a meaningful relationship is only to be respected and honored when it is yours. Just because someone else decides to do something that is morally corupt (cheat and lie to her fiancée by lack of admission) does not give anyone else a "free pass".

Do these actions hurt someone? Yes. They hurt the fiancée. it is a lie. Maybe the fiancée will never know. Then that means lies don't count if they're kept secret? Maybe the relationship is going to end anyway? OK... perfect. You still are treating another human being with disrespect and helping perpetuate a lie. So how long is it acceptable to perpetuate this lie? One day, a week, a year? When exactly does it become a bad way to live your life?

I'm not saying you're a morally bankrupt person, but please don't walk away from this thinking its just fine and good to go get a piece, regardless of the price some other person has to pay. Not a proud nor honorable way to be.

If this is what it took for her to not marry a guy she shouldn't... well, that's a silver lining... but it doesn't remove us from the responsibility of being decent people who should at least try not to do such things.

Your original post shows you're struggling a little.. and also in later posts its clear you're not comfortable with this being a mode of thinking... I think that's good. I just took exception to the "you did nothing wrong" statements early on...

Well this weekend I hung out with her just as friends we didn't do anything but the funny thing is when I was out with my other friends it seemed like she wanted me to be with her I think she misses me as weird as that sounds and well right now I have no idea what's going to happen but I will have an idea next weekend as she is going to tell her fianece so until then Im just going to stay on hold unless something's happens I think I'll just let life happen but when I know for sure then I might start searching again until then life will just run its course

If she is going to be honest with her fiancée and has said she wants to work things out with him, then I would not hold your breath. She has made her decision and even if her fiancée cannot handle what's she's done and decides to break things off thast does not mean she will fall into your arms and even if she does it will be for all the wrong reasons and more a rebound thing. You have to remember it does not matter who breaks off a relationship - the two people involved still have to adjust to not being together and adapt their lives.

I would not waste any time on this girl. Let her sort her life out and just get on with living your own. Life is too short to be dangling on a thread and to not where you stand. Just take control and move on!!

No u"re not a bad person, since she's engaged I think she should know better, so its not your fault, all I'll say is you should try to avoid this kind of thing next time. Have fun o.k

So a week ago I posted a post asking If I was a bad person, because I slept with someone else's fianece. She made the starting move and I declined but she kept trying and well I gave. Anyway the new, news is that we have still been hanging out and well the other day she said I LOVE YOU. She also said that she wasn't suppose to fall in love with me but she did and well she's telling her fiancé tomorrow as seeing as he's coming down to visit her. Now as for what's going to happen I have not a clue but I'm supprised she said I love you I thought I would crack first but I didn't and don't want to tell her I love you back until I know what exactly how I feel. I think its love but not 100% sure. All I know is it's a feeling I have never had before in my life. I would also like to note that seeing as I knew and know her for awhile or know her friends I know that this is not something she normally does nor has ever done in her life. What do you all think?

If you want to explore this relationship do so with open eyes.She cheated on a fiancée with you so I wouldn't rush headlong into anything on just a gut feeling (LUST). I personaly wouldn't believe a thing she says but I can tell you won't listen to that advice! So go slow and protect your heart and don't just give it away to be stomped on. YOUR choice.:cool: :eek:

Once a cheat always a cheat - just remember that. She cheated on her fiancé with you. She probably told her fiancé she loved him too (once upon a time) and still slept with you!!

HI,
Many say "I love you", and really don't even know the meaning of the words... it takes time to know if one really loves another. More time for some; like a couple of years. Less time for others, maybe months.
"Infatuation" seems to be the word for some, when they think it's love.
Give this some time, a few months, before you decide one way or another.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Is there more to the conversation? You said you two have been friends for a while-has it been years? Maybe she has loved you for a long time but never knew how to tell you...
Then again, some people really think they are in love with someone, and then as time goes on, they begin to realize that maybe they don't. Like the others are saying, just be careful and go slow with this one.

As I always say - once a cheater - always a cheater. I have never seen a cheater stop cheating. It's a gene built into them and they really show no remorse. I am sure she hasn't told she feels bad being with you because of her fiancée.

This is LUST AND SMITTEN... nothing more. Love takes MONTHS to grow.

You don't know this person.

I've known her since like grade 1

Yeah right. If you knew her well, you'd know not to get involved with her.

Let me guess... she's still engaged!

You're such the guy for her, that she's still engaged! The old I have to spare his feelings or I am confused or how about I don't know how tell him.

How about, maybe she used you?

She just told him tonight because he just came into town and I don't know the outcome yet I'll find out in the morning, but no matter what I don't think she used me and well if she did maybe there was a reason for it. Like a life lesson and its one I won't regret and definitely learned from, or maybe its more maybe she's breaking it off with him, maybe something might happen, maybe not you don't know and neither do I so don't assume anything. I learnt that the hard way. People change, don't assume the worst its not always like that in fact usually its no where near as bad as you think it is. And I did know her for as long as I can remember but that doesn't mean that I would stay away from her I liked her before and well maybe something told me to get involved. I believe everything happens for a reason so whatever reason this was for Im not sure but I will find out one day and until then why do you have to be so harsh. Look at it in a different light and think before you open up your moulth.

A lot of women want or need that one last fling - MEN AS WELL. Marriage is a lot bigger commitment than you think... people get scarred and run to the arms of the next person... and cheat. Seen it MANY times.

You've taken one side and keep defending this gal (a gal I wouldn't have ANYTHING to do withever) - the gal I suspect, and this why I am harsh, will break your heart. You're defend a liar and cheater - not good qualities you want in a relationship.

I suspect she gets married.

Why is it that everyone takes things the wrong way. Is it me or is it a common thing people do? And why do people do it man urg. Any answers?

And why is it girls always take there best friends side or there closer friend come on pick the side that is right or better yet stay out

I don't see the point in living however would never kill myself but really what's the point. Let me explain in my own words. Jokes, all jokes in one way or another are exactly the same. Your everday activities will never be different and in a sense may be different but the same type of things. We work to hard to make a dollar but unfortunitly the dollar doesn't go very far so we have to work harder to make two dollars. But yet again that still doesn't get you very far.

You always have to be scared of what you say because no matter how mean or nice it is to one person its trouble and well no one takes it the way it was meant or turns it into something else and makes you the worlds worst person. Really why live when its just bull **** that you have to live with. Problems everywhere, problems at the work place, with relationships, with everyday life.

However with all this said I love life and treasure it I just want to know the true meaning of it I want the perfect life and maybe Im living it who knows all I know is right now I want that perfect girl to go through all these fun, hard times with.

Like I said I do treasue life and will always but what's the true meaning behind it?

One more point or opinon I have is granted if life were perfect it would be very boring. Does that make sense?

It takes quite a bit of maturity to accept criticism graciously. It also takes a certain amount of self-esteem to be able to hear something you don't agree with and not automatically take it personally or lash out. Perhaps the people you associate with are not very mature yet (maturity comes with experience), or they have poor self-esteem.

However, it could also be something that you're doing... you might be saying things in a way that comes across as rude or insulting, and therefore people are taking it badly. Sometimes things are best left unsaid.

I would say people take their friends' sides because that is who they feel most loyal to, and they are showing or "proving" their friendship by siding with them. They may also be afraid to lose their friend if they don't defend them.

Everything I've said has been pretty general though; do you have a specific circumstance here that you're talking about? That might help you to get a better answer from people here on the forum.

We “take things the wrong way” when there is miscommunication.

Miscommunication can be caused when the sender provides incomplete, vague, or mixed messages. It also is greatly influenced by the receiver's perceptions, emotions, bias, and - as you mentioned - social pressures.

When someone takes you “the wrong way”, they are interpreting your message differently than you expected.

Words alone make up about 7% of our communication. The rest is vocal tone, body language, and other "stuff" that influences the communication. This is why e-mail and other “text only” inter-personal communication can be so frustrating - You have no idea whether the person is being playful and fun, or serious and insulting.