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Hello there. So here's my/our problem:

I'm 17, 18 in August.
She's 15, 16 in September.
I'm going off to college next year, albeit only an hour away.
We've been together for nearly 8 months, and I can honestly say we're in love.
We've fallen asleep on the phone together every night since last November.
Prom is in a couple days, and we're going together, etc.
Sounds pretty good, right?
Well today her mom told her that we have to end our relationship before I go off to college, or else she's going to force us to break up. She said she doesn't want her to get hurt by me changing or something while I'm at college. That is a slightly valid reason, but I'm not really the person to change myself to fit in, and a bunch of my friends are going to the same college as me.

How can we convince her mom to not force this upon us? Any INTELLIGENT thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

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Any INTELLIGENT thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

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Actions speak louder than words, and if she is convinced that your not going to mess with her underaged daughter, you best believe her, and obey.

Unless you want to see HOW protective she is, I would give it some space, since your in college any way.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2847994

Amazing, as I went back through your other posts, you seem like a really decent fellow, so I would hope you don't make this to hard for you both, but maybe you could ask the mother, if you can be in touch online, or through the mail. Just a thought, as parents will protect there own, and so will you when the time comes.

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

And I understand all this. It just doesn't seem fair. Any thoughts on what we should do after I get back from school in the spring?

Its tough when parents get involved. You don't want to try to drive a wedge between her and her parents because, after all, her parents will always win. It sounds a little controlling for her mother to be doing this, but you really have no choice.

Have you tried to talk to her mother about it? Maybe if, like Tal said, the relationship slowed down a little bit and you were a little more distant, you could maintain it on a "just above friendly" level??

That's a tough one...

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It just doesn't seem fair.

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I know, but her mother is right, and she doesn't want her daughter to wait, and not enjoy her high school life, or waste time pining on a far a way relationship. Hey dude those long distance relationships are very hard to manage for the best of us.

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Any thoughts on what we should do after I get back from school in the spring?

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I hope you both enjoy yourselves and see what happens then. To far off to predict, and a lot of things can happen in 10-12 months.

I believe her mother is over-protective because she is looking out for her daughter. When you are in college, the drama level is very high. I went to a frat party and saw a couple fighting. It was not good at all~

All you can do is ask to have a sit down with the parents, address their concerns about their daughter and go from there. Doing this will do 2 things, it will allow you to show the level of love you have for their daughter and the biggest, show your maturity level.

Just be aware that long distance relationships are very hard for mature, committed partners, so know for sure what you want is incredibly tough. I think that's what motivates the mothers position. An hour away may as well be across the world when your missing someone.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just be aware that long distance relationships are very hard for mature, committed partners, so know for sure what you want is incredibly tough. I think thats what motivates the mothers position. An hour away may as well be across the world when your missing someone.

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Agree from experience. Going to school 2.5 hours away was tough for my ex and I. We would see each other maybe twice a week, sometimes once every 3 weeks. It was hard when conflicts came up because I always felt there wasn't enough time at home for me to do everything.

Thank you all for your advice, it's been very insightful.

Would telling her mom that I have a month off (all of december) for christmas break help? It's not like I'm not going to see her ever. Hopefully every or every other weekend ish.

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Originally Posted by someguy222

thank you all for your advice, it's been very insightful.

would telling her mom that i have a month off (all of december) for christmas break help? it's not like i'm not gonna see her ever. hopefully every or every other weekend ish.

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Don't try to make desperate excuses or claims that would make her want you to stick around. Your best bet is to be respectful of her wishes, maybe talk with her openly and maturely about it and maybe she will see the other side of it. I never looked at coming up with a list of "points" like that as a good way to argue. It comes across as more desperate than anything.

Hi everybody. I'm a sophomore in college (I'm 19), and I have a girlfriend of just over two years who is a senior in high school (18). Back when we were both still in high school, we got in an argument about drinking, and we both promised that we wouldn't drink, but we never put a timeframe on it. Now, I still don't drink, and never have, but she says that she's going to when she goes to college in the fall (likely between a half hour to an hour away from me). This was a complete surprise to me, and I'm honestly kind of shocked, and maybe "heartbroken" I guess you could say. She says that the promise was only for high school, but we made the promise after I had graduated from high school. I'm so surprised because she always says how she's so proud of me that I don't drink and that it's bad and stuff like that. I honestly am confused as to how to approach the situation and not anger her, as that won't help anything. I don't especially want her to be drinking, but I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend and piss her off that way. What should I do?

Thanks in advance.

This is a suggestion. I think you should be concerned for your health at all times, and make choices that are right for you. I believe drinking in small amounts is not going to hurt her, if she decides to have a drink with dinner for example once a month or whatever, but binge drinking is dangerous. Perhaps you could talk to her about her intentions. Are they to party with all the other people at the College? If so, does she realize that most of them drink to dangerous levels and get out of control?
Even though this happens, there are still some drinkers who are conscientious and drink responsibly. In any case, what you need to question is what are her intentions. You do not want to worry about her I'm sure. But you cannot ask her not to ever drink, especially at her age. This is the time when most people want to have fun and often there is desire to drink and have fun. If you make her feel guilty then she will probably just lie to you in the end, and once a person in a relationship resorts to lying to do what they want there is no longer a relationship. Keep the conversations open. Allow her to grow up and make her own decisions. Part of growing up is doing just that. Control is always a big no no always. None of us want to have to keep promises we made as children when we start to grow up. We all change our minds. My best advice is do what is good for yourself and allow her to decide what is good for herself. Love her no matter what she decides unless she becomes someone you don't want to be with anymore. In any case, keep the conversation flowing. Don't force her to remain the girl you met in high school, or you will lose her. She needs to grow up on her own terms.
Good Luck!

Drinking in moderation isn't bad. I come from an Italian family and we always drank wine with meals and celebrated occasions with champagne. Both my parents are well into their eighties, fit, healthy and still drink a glass of wine with their evening meal.

So, I think you need to allow your GF to make her own choices. You choose not to drink. That's absolutely fine. She has now told you that she wishes to drink. I think that you need to accept this is what she wants to do.

Drinking socially is an accepted practice in our society and done responsibly, it's part of becoming a mature adult. Your GF is reviewing her choices and making decisions for herself. This is part of growing up.

There is a whole drinking component to college and university. Party party party. Many start that way, but realize that it is hard to keep up, hard to afford, and no work is getting done.

If she is aware, as I think she probably is from what you've said, about drinking and consequences, she will learn quickly that it is not for her. She'll most likely be an observer rather than swimming in the punch bowl.

You would be wise not to make a big deal out of it, until there is a problem. It could very well blow over and she'll settle into her usual routine, without the booze.

If you pressure her though, you risk coming off as controlling, and her independence now is important to her.

I would just sit back and wait and see how it goes for now.

I just think it's a bit unfair that she can suddenly call off a promise that I have honored for the first year and a half of college just because she is now going to college. The point of the promise was so that I wouldn't go out and get drunk and do something stupid like cheat on her, which is what I'm worried could happen if she drinks.

I understand why you would be disappointed that she broke her promise to you, but she is entitled to do so. It's her call.

Worrying about what that broken promise means, or could mean, will drive you crazy. You don't have any control over the decisions she makes. It is not very healthy either, to worry about something that may never happen.

She knows how you feel and I think that because this is something new to her, and she wants to experience college life, she will do and try many things that she may never have in high school. It's all a part of learning how to handle freedom, personal responsibility, and consequences.

She is not a different person just because she's made a change, or broken a promise, or may or may not make mistakes. None of us can say that we haven't learned something the hard way.

Try to not be too involved with the decisions she makes.

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Originally Posted by someguy222

I just think it's a bit unfair that she can suddenly call off a promise that I have honored for the first year and a half of college just because she is now going to college. The point of the promise was so that I wouldn't go out and get drunk and do something stupid like cheat on her, which is what I'm worried could happen if she drinks.

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Well now we know what the real issue is. It's not drinking, it's trust and infidelity.

Clearly drinking equals drunkenness and debauchery in your mind - this may or not be the case. Not everyone gets drunk and bonks any available person!

Clearly it also seems that you're not going to change her mind about the decision she's made to drink. You need to decide what to do with that decision, and how you'll respond to it.

If you don't feel that you can trust her, then perhaps you need to reconsider the relationship?

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Originally Posted by someguy222

I just think it's a bit unfair that she can suddenly call off a promise that I have honored for the first year and a half of college just because she is now going to college. The point of the promise was so that I wouldn't go out and get drunk and do something stupid like cheat on her, which is what I'm worried could happen if she drinks.

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I think if you look back it was proubably you that initiated the whole "lets not drink" pack.
I can see why you feel slighted that the deal was made and now it seems to you that she is renigging when its her turn to really pay up that's just something you should have thought of when you first made the deal.
My question is did you abstain REALLY because of the deal or its just not your thing?
You need to look into that there may be some control issues your having.

I just read your thread from a year ago when you were trying to get her mother to allow you to continue dating her daughter after you went to college.

It made me wonder if she agreed to the 'promise' not because she believed in not drinking, but because it was one part of getting what she wanted-keeping you. I have a feeling that she didn't (and doesn't) look at it as 'her promising not to drink' as much as she does 'you promising not to drink'. There is also the thought that when she goes to college, she no longer has to worry about 'pleasing' her mother to be 'allowed' to see whomever she wishes (at this moment that is you).

Have you actually sat down and had a discussion (non-confrontational) about why her decision bothers you?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I just read your thread from a year ago when you were trying to get her mother to allow you to continue dating her daughter after you went to college.

It made me wonder if she agreed to the 'promise' not because she believed in not drinking, but because it was one part of getting what she wanted-keeping you. I have a feeling that she didn't (and doesn't) look at it as 'her promising not to drink' as much as she does 'you promising not to drink'. There is also the thought that when she goes to college, she no longer has to worry about 'pleasing' her mother to be 'allowed' to see whomever she wishes (at this moment that is you).

Have you actually sat down and had a discussion (non-confrontational) about why her decision bothers you?

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Had to spread the rep Cat, but good catch on that one!

You kept up your end of the bargain, so she isn't being fair to you and I can empathize with you, but promising not to drink at all during college is unrealistic.

I wouldn't push it anymore, you already admitted to worrying about what could happen if she drinks, the very last thing you want to do is spend your entire college career thinking about your girlfriend; those four years fly. Be glad she didn't go to the same college as you. Go out, have fun on your own and forget about her.

Hello again,

My girlfriend and I have been going out for over 2 years (28 months was yesterday), and have been having sex since last Valentine's day. However, parents are unaware of this (or so we think). Is there any "good" way to tell your parents that you're having sex? And is there a way to convince them that they should leave the house for awhile (on a day like this Sunday) without being rude, or weird for lack of a better word?
Edit: Forgot to add this, I'm a Sophomore (in college) and she is a Senior (in high school).

All help is appreciated! Thanks a lot.

If she is a senior in HS, she may be under the age of consent, in which case you are committing statutory rape.

The next question is WHY you think you have to tell anyone (other than your physician).

Finally, no you don't ask your parents to allow or condone that you are having sexual relations. No one should be engaging in sexual intercourse until they are financially, emotionally and physically ready to have a child. As a sophomore do you understand what it will do to your goal of a college education if she should get pregnant. Let only her goals for a life and a career.

Well I think just being honest with your parents would be a good way to go about it. I mean it is not like you're a sophomore in high school. When I told my mom I was having sex with my fiancé I just asked her to speak with me privately then told her and assured her we were being careful.

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Originally Posted by Truelove08

Well i think just being honest with your parents would be a good way to go about it. i mean it is not like youre a sophmore in highschool. when i told my mom i was having sex with my fiance i just asked her to speak with me privately then told her and assured her we were being careful.

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How old were you both? Were you officially engaged? Did you ask them to allow you to have sex under their roof?

We were officially engaged yes and it did not happen under my mothers roof, because I promised her I wouldn't. It instead happened at his house and after a few months our own house.

I suspected as much. Which is why I believe your situation is not analogous to the OP's.

Its also why I think your advice to the OP was not good advice. You are encouraging him too have sex with a minor. You are encouraging him to throw it in his parents face and ask them to condone it.

My advice is not Encouraging him to throw it in his parents face it is saying to be honest with his parents what good is it going to do him to keep hiding it or trying to hide it from his parents? Eventually it will be out in the open and I believe it would be better for his parents to find out from their child and not someone else.

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And is there a way to convince them that they should leave the house for awhile (on a day like this Sunday) without being rude, or weird for lack of a better word?

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That's the most disrespectful and arrogant thing I ever heard.

"Please leave so I can shag my g/f?"

I would kick your ever lovin' azz! Then let the law have what's left.

No there is no way to tell your parents to leave their house for such an asinine reason. If you can't get a room of your own, stop having sex.

I really thought you were a mature level-headed fellow.

If you have to hide it, its not something good.

And as for talking about not having sex before you're financially stable and everything I do not think its really any of our business to be judging him if they have been having it for this long I am sure they are being careful and understand what could happen. He is after all in college you learn that in around 6th or 7th grade. He's asking how to tell his parents now how to judge him. And who says she's a minor? A lot of seniors are not minors. So I'm not condoning him to have sex with a minor at all!

So its OK for you to support them having sex but its not OK for me to tell them they shouldn't have intercourse?

No form of birth control is 100% effective. Having sexual intercourse involves the risk of pregnancy. The risk of pregnancy should not be undertaken until one is ready.

According to his older threads, that the newest has been merged with, she is 18 years old.

As a parent, I would not be receptive to my child telling me to get lost so he can get laid. Especially if it were with a girlfriend who isn't even out of high school (I don't care if she is 21 and still in high school).

However, if you do plan to 'ask for the house', I would suggest that you are extremely polite and understanding if they tell you to take a cold shower and they call her parents. You know how open your parents are. I don't. They could give you the keys to the house.

And its not even that much to get a room. You can even split the cost
Now isn't that great.

I apologize if I seemed rude in my last post.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple years now (getting close to 3), with me being almost done with my sophomore year of college and her finishing up her senior year of high school. I got to college about an hour away from her, and she plans to go to college in the same area as high school, so it will remain about an hour away once she goes to college. We are from the same town, so during the summer the distance is not an issue. However, due to jobs and such, we will not see each other this summer as we would like to, and she is worried about this. She is getting very stressed out about the possibility of having to spend several more years apart during the school years and doesn't know if she'll be able to do it and still be happy. I have no idea how to answer this problem, as she doesn't want to break up, but I have no ideas how to make it easier on us. I go home on average every other weekend during the school year to see her. She doesn't want to sacrifice making friends in college to be with me every weekend, but she still wants to see me as much as possible, which contradicts itself a little, but whatever. So I guess my question is, does anyone have any tips, hints, ideas to make things more fun while we're apart or to relieve stress while we're apart or anything of that sort? Your help is MUCH appreciated.

Long distance relationships can have their pros and cons. The tricky part is being on the same page as each other as to where you want the relationship to go. Couples naturally have ebbs and flows, where they are in sync with other and when they aren't; being apart can sometimes makes this more challenging. Your ages and stages in life play into this as well. Both of you are experiencing many new changes and she will even more so once she finishes high school.

Have you tried all of the various forms of technology to keep connected? Webcams, text messages, frequent phone calls, e-mail?

Discuss your relationship, hopes, plans, goals, etc. frequently so that you both continue to feel a part of the other's life while you are apart. Obviously little ways of showing you care can go a long way too.

How much together time you both need will vary and it may come to a point where a decision will have to be made... either figure out a way to spend more time together, remain seeing each other but move into a less serious relationship, or call it quits.

Good luck... :)