Ask Me Help Desk - Big Mistake

Big Mistake

I was over at my friends house and we were just watching a movie when he made a move on me and it went all the way to having sex that night and I don't know what to do I feel so alone and hurt because he was one of my best friends and now it is very awkward between us and I can't believe I let it go that far. Help?

Too late to look back, time to look forward. You can't change what happened but you can talk to him about it.

Explain that you feel that things are different between the two of you and that it's hurting you. Also let him know that you didn't plan for this to happen.

All you can do is talk to him then move on. :)

I just feel like I've betrayed everything I stood for. I am a christian and I try very hard to show that to people because it is very important to me. I'm afraid when people hear about this that they will think I am a hypocrite

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjaforce5

i just feel like ive betrayed everything i stood for. i am a christian and i try very hard to show that to people because it is very important to me. im afraid when people hear about this that they will think i am a hypocrite

You may be Christian, but you're also human, we make mistakes. As long as you learn from your mistakes you're not a hypocrite.

Have you talked to your friend about this? How does he feel about what happened?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Have you talked to your friend about this? How does he feel about what happened?

I talked to him yesterday but we kind of avoided the subject. He seemed a little weird but I don't know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjaforce5

i talked to him yesterday but we kind of avoided the subject. he seemed a little weird but i dont know.

Then open up the lines of communication. Tell him how you feel. Maybe he's afraid to bring it up because you haven't.

Communication, it's the key.

Just talk to him, be honest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Then open up the lines of communication. Tell him how you feel. Maybe he's afraid to bring it up because you haven't.

Communication, it's the key.

Just talk to him, be honest.

Communication is the key! It's the easyest and fastest way to move past this. If you guys talk about it and tell him what you feel you will probably be back to best buds in no time

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Then open up the lines of communication. Tell him how you feel. Maybe he's afraid to bring it up because you haven't.

Yep. But seriously, I know the OP said it was a mistake, but seriously. If you aren't mature enough to comfortably talk about sex, but you have no business doing it.

I know... I know...

But, then again, if you really didn't want to have sex, you should have more control over yourself. If you can't stop yourself for something you would really feel this bad about, then you need to excersize self control.
Start, by something small such as not eating that candy bar. Move up to stopping bad habits like stopping biting your fingernails. Eventually, you may be able to have complete control in these situations, and not make the same mistake again.

Until then, know yourself enough to know you will make mistakes, and keep yourself away from them. In otherwords, DO NOT go to your friends' houses alone, especially males', and especially at night! Keep yourself away from temptation until you can beat it.

HH, I understand what you're saying, but I'm going to counter that with a story.

I was a stupid teen, I did a lot of things I regret. I was young, I didn't think ahead, once it was done it was too late.

I don't think that someone should kick themselves over one silly mistake. Yes, sex is a big deal. Yes, you should have more self control, but it's a bit late now so no sense beating a dead horse.

Believe it or not, I was a teen once too, I still remember how it feels, so I can sympathize a bit with the OP because I did even worse things then what she's talking about.

Great, more info about me.

I should just write my biography already and sell it here. ;)

Hehe, I would buy one Alt!

Anyway, I wasn't trying to scold the OP. In fact, quite the contrary. Instead, I was praising the OP for realizing her mistake, and trying to tell her how to prevent it happening again...
*goes back and reads*

WOW! :eek:
I guess I started rambling (again :o) and lost my point... sorry if it sounded so accusatory. :)

We all make mistakes. You should have said NO when you knew that you would feel bad about it later.

How old are the two of you? Probably young, since you are too immature to talk about sex and if you can't talk about it, THERE SHOULD NOT EVEN BE ANY SEX! If you are young, where were the parents?

You can't take it back now that is for sure. You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. And from now on, if you really want to respect your religion, don't have sex. Wait until marriage.

I'm 16

There's nuttin yew can do about it now. Its done and over with. Move on. That's the only thing yew can do. Learn from yewr mistakes and move forward. Its going to be awkward but everntually it will get easier. Just act like yew did before... as a friend. Don't b all awkward and shy around him. It only makes it worse. We all make mistakes. All we can do is look at it and learn from it than move on. There's no turning back now. Make the best out of the rest of yewr life. Don't let this little thing stress yew out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by babyygirllx3

theres nuttin yew can do about it now. its done nd over with. move on. thats the only thing yew can do. learn from yewr mistakes nd move forward. its going to b awkward but everntually it will get easier. just act like yew did b4...as a friend. dont b all awkward nd shy around him. it only makes it worse. we all make mistakes. all we can do is look at it nd learn from it than move on. theres no turning back now. make the best out of the rest of yewr life. dont let this little thing stress yew out.

Pretty good advice, but two things wrong here.
1: That is pretty much just repeating what has already been said.
2: The rules of this forum state using correct English. That means:
Nuttin > nothing
Yew > you
And > and
Yewr > your
B > be
Before > before

We talked about it... a lot. And we both know it was wrong and swore to each other its not going to happen again. I'm not going to hang out with him alone anymore, it never used to be a problem but considering the circumstances, now it is. The only problem now is what to tell my boyfriend. I mean we've never even had sex how can I tell him I did with someone else?? I don't want to hide it from him but I don't know if I should tell him or not...

Just my thinking but maybe you are dating the wrong person.

I missed the part about you having a boyfriend...
Actually, I don't think you said anything about it.

Either way, you can't hid it from him.
It will only make it work, eating away at your consciousness.
Tell him you made a mistake. You didn't want to but couldn't help yourself. If you're lucky, he'll try to work it out with you.

Anyway, do you know if this other guy has ever had sex before? If so, then you need to get yourself tested. If you weren't even planning this, then I'm 100% sure that you can't be confident on that factor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by spitvenom

Just my thinking but maybe you are dating the wrong person.

I hope you're not implying that she should be with the guy she had sex with. If he won't even respect her enough to keep himself away from her when she has a boyfriend, then he won't be very good as her boyfriend.

No that is not what I mean. She has a boyfriend that she basically made a footnote in the thread where he should have been in the first sentence of the post. She slept with someone else before she slept with her BF. That says a lot.

We were both virgins.. ive known him since we were 3. I'm going to tell my boyfriend tonight and see how it goes. I don't blame him if he wants to break up with me, but it there any way at all that I can justify myself?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjaforce5

we were both virgins..ive known him since we were 3. im going to tell my boyfriend tonight and see how it goes. i dont blame him if he wants to break up with me, but it there any way at all that i can justify myself??

Justify having sex with someone else? No.

You have to be honest, tell him everything, then wait and see.

If the tables were turned, if he had sex with someone else, how would you feel?

Okay spit, thought so, just throwing that out there.

Ninja, do you think there was any justice done by sleeping with this "friend"? No? Then you cannot justify it. You can make excuses, but bottom line, you did something wrong. All you can do now is ask for forgiveness.

OK, I will let you know how it goes. Any ideas on how to do it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjaforce5

ok, i will let you know how it goes. any ideas on how to do it??

Just be honest. Tell him that you feel horrible about it, you made a mistake and you don't blame him if he doesn't forgive you because you're having a very hard time forgiving yourself.

How should you tell him?

Hmm... I'm thinking you should figure it out for yourself.
Sorry, but we can't be there to hold your hand. You need to learn to get along without this site. I mean, I love this site as much as the next person, but you cannot become dependent on it or us. Think about it, what would happen if we told you everything, but you lost your internet? Then you would be like a fish out of water. You have to learn some things yourself.

No, someone else might think otherwise, but as for me, I feel that you made the problem, you should tell him about it yourself.
Just doing what we say isn't coming from your heart.

EDIT: Okay, apparently Alt wants to tell you herself. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

How should you tell him?

Hmm... I'm thinking you should figure it out for yourself.
Sorry, but we can't be there to hold your hand. You need to learn to get along without this site. I mean, I love this site as much as the next person, but you cannot become dependent on it or us. Think about it, what would happen if we told you everything, but you lost your internet? Then you would be like a fish out of water. You have to learn some things yourself.

No, someone else might think otherwise, but as for me, I feel that you made the problem, you should tell him about it yourself.
Just doing what we say isn't coming from your heart.

EDIT: Okay, apparently Alt wants to tell you herself. :)

HinH, sometimes I agree with you, but this is not one of those times. She's 16, with 11 posts. How can she be DEPENDENT on this site? She's obviously upset and came here for answers, just like the rest of us. I say she needs some help. You know 16 year old libido, things got carried away, and she has many regrets. I say someone like Alty, who has experienced something like this, should do all they can to ease the pain this teen is going through.
Ninja, we all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up about this . Just learn from it, and move forward. Like they say, the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror. GOD will forgive you, so you should too. I wish you the best.

Yep, I understand the 16 year old mindset probably better than most here, as I am 17.

I understand that she must learn from her mistakes, and I wasn't trying to say she WILL become dependent here. I was trying to say that she needs to learn from both her mistakes, but her own actions too.
If we tell her what to do, she may do it and it may work. But, what if something happens again, and she can't come here, and forgets what someone said. She may get all worried and worked up thinking she will screw up more because she had Alt to tell her what to do this time, but is on her own next time.

Now, if she can do it herself this time, then she knows she can do anything herself, including talking to her boyfriend, avoiding temptation, and any other challenges she must face. If she starts with something small, like telling her boyfriend, (not exactly small, but not really big either) then the bigger stuff will get a little easier.

At least, that's the way I see it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Yep, I understand the 16 year old mindset probably better than most here, as I am 17.

I understand that she must learn from her mistakes, and I wasn't trying to say she WILL become dependant here. I was trying to say that she needs to learn from both her mistakes, but her own actions too.
If we tell her what to do, she may do it and it may work. But, what if something happens again, and she can't come here, and forgets what someone said. She may get all worried and worked up thinking she will screw up more because she had Alt to tell her what to do this time, but is on her own next time.

Now, if she can do it herself this time, then she knows she can do anything herself, including talking to her boyfriend, avoiding temptation, and any other challanges she must face. If she starts with something small, like telling her boyfriend, (not exactly small, but not really big either) then the bigger stuff will get a little easier.

At least, that's the way I see it.

If we use that logic, then this site wouldn't be here. We should help everyone we can. People don't casually come here, they usually come in despairation. This is not her homework. She doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this. Help her if you can.

I agree JM.

The fact is, we do stupid things when we're young, that's what being young is for, making mistakes, learning from them, moving on, growing and then helping those that are young. :)

I talked to my boyfriend, and he was not mad, but he was disappointed. He said that it might take a little bit to gain trust back. I promised him it would never happen again and he took my word for it. I feel a lot better, knowing that he knows. He told me that he understands people make mistakes. Thanks for everything guys

Glad to hear it.

Sounds like you have a great guy there, remember that the next time you're tempted, okay?

Glad you could talk to him. Glad he is willing to try to trust you again, and hope you can stay true this time.

Good Luck! :)

Ninja, I'm happy for you. Your guy is a keeper in my book. Now tell the friend to please respect you feelings, and don't tell anyone until your 50th high school reunion.