Ask Me Help Desk - He cheated but will NOT admit it !

He cheated but will NOT admit it !

Edited for some really bad spelling, any one else have spell check??

Hello everyone, well I have just found out my boyfriend has cheated on me ( kissed another girl at a nightclub ) , I found this out because I went on his Facebook account and the girl herself told me as she thought it was my boyfriend she was talking to!. he has been texting her after a night out bla bla.. he denies it still every time I ask him he gets mad and says if you don't believe me don't be with me, but I know he kissed her, but I love him so much I just can't let go or leave him, were going on holiday next month abroad, its at such a bad time , I'm torn apart,and I'm only young but he is my life even though he's sly I can't help but run back to him. I've heard rumors he's cheated before but I just can't leave him. I don't know what to do... WHY won't he admit it to me when I have the evidence,WHY is he still lying? We have bin together a year and a half I really thought he loves me , he says he does,but why cheat?

HELPP!!

I'm so confused everyone says leave him,but I can't I love him so much its making me mad:| I don't sleep or eat and I'm so down. But when I'm with him I'm happy but I keep thinking god you've cheated then it brings me down again!

Any advice...

X

He said it himself, if you don't believe him then leave him. In my opinion that's what it's time to do. Of course it's easier said than done but why would you want to be with someone who cheated on you and instead of trying to make it right he's lying to you? Get rid of this loser.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

he is my life even tho hes sly i can't help but run back to him.

any advice.....

Time to get a new life, that makes you happy, without someone who isn't trustworthy at your side. Time to rebuild, time to define yourself and time to grow up. The time is NOW!

Good luck!

Please use spell check with proper English

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

he deneys it still everytime i ask him he gets mad and says if u dont belive me dont be with me

He's right, if you don't believe him, don't be with him. Simple as that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

WHY wont he admit it to me when i have the evidence,WHY is he still lieing?

Because admitting it would make him the bad guy. Why would he want to be the bad guy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

We have bin 2gever a year and a half i really thort he loves me , he says he does,but why cheat?

He doesn't really love you as much as you think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

im so confussed every1 says leave him

Everyone is right.

If you don't trust him, then there's no relationship. If you stay with him, your relationship will just be a lie. Make a clean break so that you can stop your pain and suffering. You deserve better than this.

And what exactly is it that you're holding on to? You said he's sly. He kissed another girl at a club. He's texting her. You're sure he's cheated before.

This isn't love. This is obsession. Not healthy. Loving someone doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't have you checking a Facebook account searching for clues. There is no trust here.

Don't be in a relationship with someone that brings out this side of you. And certainly don't stay with someone for the sake of an upcoming vacay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikosmom

And certainly don't stay with someone for the sake of an upcoming vacay.

Another good point that I forgot to mention!

I think your paying to high a price just to have someone. Love shouldn't be that hard. Ever think your more into him than he is to you.

Come on you can do better with less heartache.

Tal, your siggy line speaks volumes here:

Having a relationship should be a bonus to your life and should not be the only reason to be happy.

So your staying with someone because you can't leave because you love him so much. Do you know how many times I heard this?

He kissed another girl then talked to her via text. He cheated on you in the past--come on. You can't get upset with him because you allowed yourself to be treated this way.

His past behavior will be his future behavior. He will always denied and get defensive when you ask him about his evil ways but again you allow it.

So since you stated you can't leave have fun with this guy who cheats on you time after time. There will be another girl and he will bring you a lot of grief and misery. However, you can always do the smart thing by leaving after all this is why you have feet.

As well he is really secretive with his phone which I c y now seems as he's texting other girls. But I don't understand why he can't tell me , why dus he wna stay wif me and cheat? Surely if he didn't like me he would end it?. I know it sounds stupid that I can't walk away because I love him so much but it's the true I don't know why I can't let go , I'm so confussed , why does he choose to stay when he wants to cheat?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

aswell he is really secretive with his phone which i c y now seems as hes texting other girls. but i dont understand why he can't tell me , why dus he wna stay wif me and cheat? surely if he didnt like me he would end it ? .. i know it sounds stupid that i can't walk away becuase i love him so much but its the true i dont know why i can't let go , im so confussed , why does he choose to stay when he wants to cheat?

Because you let him get away with it. Why throw you away when you clearly let him do whatever he wants? Sounds like an easy situation for him.

Would you do this to him?

If you answer no,then why are you with someone who would?

The thing about love is,it's give and take,never expect more then you can give.

Therefore find someone who won't cheat behind your back,yeah we're all jaded here,but some of us know when it's time to walk away,because as you said,it starts to make you physically sick (been there) can't sleep,eat,parinoid etc

It cycles to emotional abuse,just by keeping this person around.

It is very very very hard to walk away from,but I can tell you one thing,he does not love you,never did either.

Love under NO circumstances,cheats,hurts,and lies.

And if he pulls the 'let's be friends' do you honestly want to be friends with someone with morals like this?

I guess so . And I know everyone will think I'm stupid but I do love him ! When I therten to finnish it he really seems he doesn't care , maybe he's playing the big boy act , I don't know?. nothings changed between us though I thort everything was well until I found out he dun this!! :(

I totally understand what you guys are saying. But if he didn't love me why would he stay with me that's what is so hard to believe?. I even have dreams / nightmares about his cheating and yet when I try and tell him I'm not happy he just says don't b depressed all the time ! I know I know and I really do know I should leave but is it silly that I can't because he does make me happy when there's no rumors or no one saying things and its just us 2 ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i guess so . and i know everyone will think im stupid but i do love him ! when i therten to finnish it he really seems he doesnt care , maybe hes playing the big boy act , i dont know ?? .. nothings changed between us though i thort everything was well until i found out he dun this !!! :(

You thought everything was well? How so? You said you were already suspicious of his cheating and you'd heard rumors so it was already in your head before this even happened. And my speculation is this wasn't the first time you'd checked his Facebook page.

You threatened to leave and he seemed like he didn't care. There's your answer. He doesn't.

Plus he knows you're making idle threats so he has no incentive to straighten up.

It's just my 2 cents. I suggest taking it and buying a bus token away from this guy.

He stays with you either because

1)he's using you for sex
2)you are his 'if these other girls don't work out she's always here for me'
3)ego boost because he has low self esteem,and you make him feel bigger every time you cry.

Trust me I know these types of guys.

And you might say 'if I walk away well... then will he care'

The answer is no,these type of guys never care because it's not 'macho' shows 'weakness' and the third reason is because they already have chicks on the side

That is actually why they start to get chicks on the side WHILE your dating... so if you guys break up... he's on top.

He stay because he got a fool who puts up with his behavior, so why leave? I wouldn't put up with this--no way.

You think this is love but it isn't. Maybe one day you will wake up but today doesn't seem like the day.

I know but its differnet if you knew him, why would he buy me everything , spend all his time with me, (accept for when he goes to the pub ) see I just don't understand, I want him to just stop it , I want to just be good enough for him ! :(

By the way the only way to get back at a guy or even a girl who is acting like your boyfriend does (typical player)

Is to walk away and 100% NO CONTACT.
And you have to MEAN you don't care.

By that I mean,no hateful letters (he will get an ego boost and a laugh from those)

No "i miss you" texts/emails/or calls

^ I can promise you his response will be something short like "ya ok sure g2g"

No walking in front of him at school/work with some new guy or anything to make him "jealous"

^ Guys like this can see right through that,and in a way you're still giving him attention

Act like he's dead,and if he comes around apologizing,finally for once in your life you have control.

And if he doesn't come around.

You still have control by not kissing his a** for forgiveness or starting to beg for answers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i know but its differnet if you knew him, why would he buy me everything , spend all his time with me, (accept for when he goes to the pub ) see i just dont understand, i want him to just stop it , i want to just be good enough for him ! :(

Gifts do not make it a great relationship. That's the job of TRUST.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i know but its differnet if you knew him, why would he buy me everything , spend all his time with me, (accept for when he goes to the pub ) see i just dont understand, i want him to just stop it , i want to just be good enough for him ! :(

Because you are naïve,immature,and possibly young or at least inexperianced.

Why did he do those things?

Because they worked to get you,to manipulate you.

Why do pedophiles buy kids candy? Same concept

Not everything he did to you that you think was 'sweet and loving' was.

He.is.a.cheater.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i know but its differnet if you knew him, why would he buy me everything , spend all his time with me, (accept for when he goes to the pub ) see i just dont understand, i want him to just stop it , i want to just be good enough for him ! :(

He could be a nice guy or he is just spend his money on you because he is guilty. However, a cheater is a cheater and his behavior can't be erased.

Don't start thinking your not good enough because he cheats. This is what happens when you stay with a guy like him--your self esteem starts to go down.

Right now your young and acting dumb because your in love--nobody can tell you nothing because you don't want to hear it. Hopefully one day your wise up or he is will leave you before you wise up.

I am just wondering if you can answer me this question

I think it would give the entire forum, a better idea to help you.

What would he have to do for you to say 'thats enough I'm done'

Do you even have those boundries on him?

I guess its true there not the things I long to hear . He's just perfect though even though he cheats.stupid I know!! I don't know how I've let myself to get like this!

I really don't know what it would take for me to say that's it its over... he does what he pleases because he gets away with it, I could slap I'm hit I'm I really could be I could never hurt him because in my heart I love I'm so bad . I'm only 18 so yer I'm young stupid niave and a pratt but surely I didn't think love could take over my life?? So I really don't know?x

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i guess its true there not the things i long to hear . hes just perfect though even though he cheats.stupid i know !!!! i dont know how iv let myself to get like this !!

Perfect and cheat doesn't even fit in the same sentence. If you didn't have any doubts and if he was the perfect boyfriend than this conversation wouldn't even be going on.

If someone can't put their heart in a relationship they have to take themselves out of it.
If you keep allowing him to be a cheater than it is your own fault if you get hurt.

IF he was truly "in love" and happy with you he wouldn't cheat.

I know I'm allowing myself to get hurt but that's y I don't undertsand why I won't leave him??

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i know im allowing myself to get hurt but thats y i dont undertsand why i wont leave him?????

You know the answer, or maybe you just like to be cheated on. Or maybe you love him more than you love yourself, and that is the big problem.
Fear of being alone, of being rejected, many things makes us accept intolerable behavior. But if this continue I can guarantee that you won't be happy for long.

You're making him your priority when you are an option to him.

I guess I do love him more than I love myself?. but he sweet talks me and I fall in love all over egen silly I know!. I think I've lost myself in this relationship but I still need and want him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

i really dont know what it would take for me to say thats it its over... he does wht he pleases becuase he gets away with it, i could slap im hit im i really could be i could never hurt him becuase in my heart i love im so bad . im only 18 so yer im young stupid niave n a pratt but surely i didnt think love could take over my life ??????? so i really dont know?x

If he cheated on you completely as in (Slept with) someone else

Would you leave him then?

If not the problem is with you,and not him.

Personally I have the lowest self esteem ever and I was also a teenager with my ex,and after dealing with emotional abuse,emotional cheating,internet cheating

One day it progressed to physical and honestly

That got me over ever wanting my ex back where as before I would forgive and forgive

But in your case

How can you look at him or kiss him knowing he's kissed someone else?

That cheapens everything,so in retrospect every kiss you have from that point on,really means nothing as 'him kissing other girls is OK and means nothing'

Guess even if I found out he slept with someone else id probably try and forget it happened or I heard it!? Bt he just won't admit it when I know he's kissed her.. but maybe it was 1 mistake? And he doesn't wna tell me?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

guess even if i found out he slept with someone else id probly try and forget it happened or i heard it !?? bt he just wont admit it when i know hes kissed her..but maybe it was 1 mistake? and he doesnt wna tell me?

Okay after this I'm done. What difference does it make if he tells you or not , you already made up your mind you want to be with him.
So at this point you accept this behavior, why are you asking questions to us in which you should be asking him. And you continue to make excuses for him.

Turn the volume up on your intuition, and listen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

guess even if i found out he slept with someone else id probly try and forget it happened or i heard it !?? bt he just wont admit it when i know hes kissed her..but maybe it was 1 mistake? and he doesnt wna tell me?

You have no self respect,and this relationship is starting to seem borderline abusive.
18 is not THAT young,it's old enough to live and learn and rationalize.
If you were 14-16 or something I could understand (yeah two-four years actually does make a difference in the teens)
If you believe it is OK to cheat then is it okay to hit someone in a relationship?
They are both abusive behaviors
And since you see no problem with one,I'm not so sure you would condone the other.

He obviously has a tight grip on you,but you need boundries,or you will fall into the victim role (you're already there actually)

Denial and defending him are actually signs of

Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yeah but like I'm trying to say I'm in love with him and I'm young so I'm going to be trying to protect what I have I guess?. my point is I just wna know WHY can I leave him ? Y do I keep letting myself get upset

It just messes my head up and I still love him?

Maybe he's your first love and that's why you can't leave?

Maybe he's all you've ever known of love?

In no way am I saying your relationship is special,it's abusive.

But see that's the thing about abusive relationships,you feel you aren't good enough to leave,or good enough to stay,so you stay in uetero hoping he will change,meanwhile the lies get bigger,subtle insults start

And before you know it,a domestic violence case.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kelly10jonson

yeh but like im trying to say im in love with him and im young so im gna b trying to protect wht i have i guess ?... my point is i just wna know WHY can i leave him ? y do i keep lettin myself get upset

You are obsessed or infatuated with him. Because you are breaking the cardinal rule to any relationship and that is

Self love. That is why you keep loving him as if he is the best thing since sliced bread.

I can guarantee based on guys I've known in the past,that the more you push him for questions,the more he will push you away,tell you to 'shut up' 'stop being parinoid' 'it was nothing' 'why don't you trust me'

And then you start feeling like the idi**,you start feeling like the crazy one,you start doubting yourself (Which you are because you posted this forum)And yourself esteem lowers

What comes next?

He will lift it up,with apologies,they will never be long,just short and to the point.

If he really still wants you around,he might even cry in front of you (which obviously means nothing) it's all manipulation because he will do the same things over and over

Once your trust is built up again,he will knock it down.

I guess I am obsessed with him I feel the need to ring him all the time and text him and talk to him and I cry when I'm not with him and I miss him terribly even when I just leave him!?

57373... I totally agree with what you say every time I ask him he pushes me away he's like shut up I didn't kiss her your paraniod your werid you are are you going to believe her over me... truth is she thort it wus him she was talking to so she can't have been lying... hw can he look at me though and tell me he loves me when he nos he's kissed someone else? I wna make I'm have a concience make him think I should tell her but nothing I say to him makes it happen