Hello, I have a problem that I would like help on and I was wondering if anyone had any advice or useful information that they could give to me. Its gone on too long and any support is greatly appreciated.

A couple of months ago, I was in a play and a few weeks before the show ended I befriended a cast member. He was really nice to me and very sweet caring and kind. On our last performance nights he invited me out to get tea with his friend (who is a girl he really likes) On the way there and back he was really nice and friendly. He was always wanting to speak to me and share jokes and laugh. And I think due to this I started to fancy him, which I know sounds really stupid. Before the last show ended we swapped email adresses and When it did end I emailed him to say thank you for everything and thank you for making me laugh. He replied saying it was no problem and he was congratulating me about stuff and to be honest I just felt so special that someone as old as him took an interest in me.

One day he suddenly blurted out to me that he was suffering from depression. I never asked to know he just told me and that he flet he had to tell someone. He said he was sorry to unload on me but he felt that I was a generally nice and trustworthy person. At the time I didn't exactly know what to say or do at the time but I stood by him and supported him. I couldn't actually believe he was depressed. He was so happy and cheerful and such a fun person to be around. I told him about the tough relationship problems Im having with my father and he helped me with that.

So our friendship continued and we swapped numbers and basically just kept intouch. I found out he was very into poetry, (another secret that he had been keepping from everyone) I advised him on poems to send the girl he really liked and stuff. Day by day though I found myself fancying him. I found myself growing attached to him, worrying about him, missing him when I'd just seen him. I found myself growing in love with him.

He kept telling me his troubles, I kept helping him and day by day I started to fancy him more and more. Yes I have fancied people but never ever like this. It's a total new feeling. When he walked past me used to wink to me and I used to smile and as this happened I used to feel my knees weaken and my stomach tip over with adoration at the loveable person he was. I couldn't care if he was suffering from an illness or that he was really upset (well actually I did and I couldn't stop worrying about him but you get what I mean, it didn't matter to me) he was talking to me and wanting to be mates with me.

A few days later he told me had been self harming about problems. Yes I was scared and worried but I couldn't help love him. I know I sound so strange, fancying someone that hurts themselves but you see the thing was I was in love with the person everyone saw, the smiley version of him. No one ever saw the upset one I saw.

Then one day he sent me a text saying "Thanks for always being there when I need someone, I love you in the truest sense of the word"
Well first thing I thought was "OMG HE LOVES ME!" but then I thought "Wait a second what if he means it for the person he fancies" and then I thought "What if he really does love me" I honestly had no clue what it meant, Do you know what it means?
I took no chance and lived on the spur of the moment saying I loved him too. I was proper over the moon and when I asked him what in the truest sense of the word he said "Im sorry i really dont know, bear in mind I was drunk when i sent it"
What's THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN! I was speaking to him like 10 minutes before he wrote the text and he was not drunk! What's he hiding?

We just keep talking and texting and emailing and seeing each other through the day. Im so in love with him and I don't know what he thinks of me. It feels so odd. We used to be so happy around each other but now the atmoshpere is so silent. When he smiles at me his eyebrows raise and his mouth curves into a smile shape, Is that even a smile? Am I just panicking. When I don't see him during the day I get so scared and worried. Lately I notice when I'm around him I start shaking and going dizzy and I feel like crashing to the ground he makes me feel so... worked up. And he is always so kind and understanding. Are these feeelings normal? Should I confess to him how I feel? Would that help? Would it freak him out? Would he ever want to speak to me again or not?

He is seeing someone about his problems. Please don't worry about that. I just need you to comment or answer anything I'm worrying about, Im so sorry its very long but then again my life is complex :P See you soon, thank you for any help!

I think that having a real relationship, like you desire, will only complicate the issues that he already needs to be facing on his own.

You will have to just be friends with him and support him, but if you can't handle that because you fancy him so much, then you need to stop all contact with him and focus on your friends in your class/grade.

He most probably doesn't want to let you in his world enough to see his dark depressed side. He probably likes you but doesn't want to take it anywhere because he knows he has problems. You are so young to have to deal with someone who is depressed and it is all too easy to confuse your feelings of love with feelings of feeling bad that he feels bad.

Just be his friend and let him know he can count on you but don't be looking for anything deeper.
He really should go get professional counselling.

I suffer from severe depression and I have since I was about 13, I am 31 now. I still suffer from it and it is a terrible burden on my wife and she is 36, so for a 13 year old to have to bear that burden is unimaginable. I feel so guilty that she has to deal with me and sometimes I feel she would be better off without me. In my opinion he does love you and he does not want to hurt you. Be his friend and let both of you mature and see where it goes, you are only 13 so there should be no hurry.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by scott_1976

I suffer from severe depression and I have since I was about 13, I am 31 now. I still suffer from it and it is a terrible burden on my wife and she is 36, so for a 13 year old to have to bear that burden is unimaginable. I feel so guilty that she has to deal with me and sometimes I feel she would be better off without me. In my opinion he does love you and he does not want to hurt you. Be his friend and let both of you mature and see where it goes, you are only 13 so there should be no hurry.

---

That's right man!! I agree, not only does it effect yourself, but everyone around u! I have the same problem as well, but for me to face it, sometimes I cower, because I have a 3 yr old little girl who depends on me so much, and it kills me! So for the first two, you guys have to work it out, or give him space!! At your age, stay friends, friendly advice!!

I tell my friends I love them all the time... it doesn't mean I want a relationship with them.

Stick by him and be there for him, he sounds like he is a pretty bad time in his life and having friends like you will help him.

Can I just say thank you for all this good advice, I can't say thank you to everyone enough for helping :)

Just wondering, Why did he send me a text saying he loved me, what's that all about?

OK, as a parent I'll first of all tell you that at 13 you should not be dealing with a 16 year old, let alone one with emotional problems.
I'm sure you are a smart girl, but at 13 you are not equipped to deal with him, nor should you.
You can be his friend but keep a distance. I would not take the "I love you" to heart.
At 13 you should be having fun not stressing in a relationship with a depressed 16 year old.

This is not to say anything against depressed people, I know the illness, have dealt with it myself for years, but there is help and you should encourage him to get help. I'm hoping his parents know he has problems and that he is getting help. An emotionally disturbed 16 year old is not one that you should be nor are you equipped to deal with. Mental illness is real and serious business. I hope this young man is getting help.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Melhoneybee

Just wondering, Why did he send me a text saying he loved me, whats that all about?

---

He sounds like he does love you... on what level though? Friend, GF who knows, what you need to understand is depression is a serious illness. I hope he is getting help because self harm can turn into suicide attempts or a successful suicide. This is all way to heavy for you to be dealing with at your age but this is the real world and it happens! You said yourself you love him but at 13 love is different and most likely will not last. Be his friend, but don't get to close to this, encourage him to continue his therapy and if he talks of suicide do not brush it off tell his parent(s)!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by scott_1976

He sounds like he does love you....on what level though?? Friend, GF who knows, what you need to understand is depression is a serious illness. I hope he is getting help because self harm can turn into suicide attempts or a sucessful suicide. This is all way to heavy for you to be dealing with at your age but this is the real world and it happens! You said yourself you love him but at 13 love is different and most likely will not last. Be his friend, but don't get to close to this, encourage him to continue his therapy and if he talks of suicide do not brush it off tell his parent(s)!

---

He has stopped the self harm. I don't want a relationship, I just want to be his friend. But I can't actually help loving him. Yes I deeply respect him as a person, do care for him and believe me the depression does not stop him from being a wonderful person. I know its too heavy. I don't want to avoid him, he's a nice person to talk to even though he himself is not happy with everything.

He makes me smile and laugh when I'm having a tough time, he tells me that he really respects me, he encourages me to do things and inspires me I'm just a bit upset about it myself that he is the way he is. I really have no clue about the text. We never speak about it anymore. Its like we are both afraid to, and that confuses me.

Then just take it for what it is. You are his friend and he obviously cares about you. Leave it at that.
I wish you well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Melhoneybee

Just wondering, Why did he send me a text saying he loved me, whats that all about?

---

Well maybe he loves you just as a friend because you are always there for him

I suffer from a clinical depresson, about who knows what, but he sounds like someone, who with the right guidance, he would make a cool guy to be around, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's had tons of girl friends
As for the drunk things, he was probubly lying, he said he loves you, didn't expect you to answere, and when you do, he freaks out "oh I was drunk" I've done it, no other guy in here better not tell me theyv never done it, hey I pull the "its the weed hun" card all the time, he may have feelings for you, hell, I sure as sh** would
You got to make your move, not too much, you got to want to hold his hand, kiss his cheak, or whatever it is you crazy kids do these days, don't kiss him right away, don't jump all over him, just give off the notion that "hey I'm a pretty girl that onviously has deep feelings for you dipsh**, acknowledge that!" but like I said before, do it suddley, other wise he may not take it seriously, maybe just think your goofing around or playing, or it may just freak him out
I don't know what else to say, you sound like a nice girl, and I'd like to hear a reply to this

Well, thank you for thinking I'm a nice girl. Its funny how only words can influence people.
Tons of friends, yes he's friends with everyone. No one can not actually admit to not likeing him, he's so funny and cheery, even though when I first told him I never told him about the problems I was going though with my father he made me forget about my worries when I first met him in his company.
Lots of girlfriends? Well funnily enough the thing is he's never had a girl friend. The girl he really likes is seeing someone 2 year older than her and they are both dead in love. Its breaking his heart that he and her are only best friends, he writes her poetry and everything and that what makes me think he loves her, after all the age difference between us both, admittedly though he has wrote the odd poem for me. One was a birthday poem, the others were trying to explain his feelings about his depression.
All the kissing and holding his hand stuff, we never do that. I haven't even hugged him
The closest I've ever been to him was when I put his arm around him once or the time he came really close to my face and went jokily "DONT LAUGH!!!" with the biggest smile on his face ever... sorry that moment is like one of the best moments ever.
The notion about me being a pretty girl. Well the notion I give him is "Im a girl who listens to your problems and is generally a lovely person to be around. I know im ecentric, slightly bonkers and prone to laughing untill my sides split but Im always here for you no matter what. Im also slightly on the geeky side" Is that a good notion?
Lol, I just admire him so much. And the fact that he's struggling inside doesn't matter, it makes no difference if he's suffering from depression or not, he's such a lovel

To start with, I think you are still too young to be thinking of a serious relationship with a guy who is equally young. What you need right now is to build a network of friendship with the opposite sex. Do not be tied down to a single guy for now. The issue of becoming unstable to the extent of feeling dizzy is not necessary for now. Try to master your emotions. There are other interesting young men out there that you can build friendship with. After some years, when you are more matured, you will be able to decide on that special one you want to date. Please take your time and do not become emotionally disturbed.
However, I am not saying you should abandon the guy in question to his problem. This is the time you can prove to him that you are a friend in need and so a friend indeed. Continue to support him until he comes out of his emotional problem. I wish you all the best.

Peole are going to tell you your too young to have a serious relationship, but, hell, you seem as, if not, more mature than most 16 year old girls I've dated, two, I date younger girls... because I'm weird
But, I do wonder, is it a turn off, if it was any other guy, that if he had a depression, or emotional problem, sorry, but that's a little one sided, but whateva
But, sounds like he needs to open his eyes and see, the girl he "loves" only wants to be friends... poetry? Sorry, sounds weird on the 6th level to me, haha, no offence

Sweetie... All women wonder the same thing about men. But I can say this when it comes down to the drunk moment then he was drunk. It only takes a little while to get the affects. So he did say it. He might have meant it cause the truth comes out when your drunk. But only one person knows what they feel and that would be him. I'm not saying to go to him and spill the beans just yet. Try him out a little more before rushin into anything. I've learned that since I was you age and now I'm 25. Just take it slow. You have all the time in the world I promise. And if he's not the one there are so many fish in this sea.

Let's not forget she is 13. The last thing she needs to be doing is playing seduction games with him.

This young man had problems that you should not even deal with. Be his friend, let him know he can talk to you, but let that be as far as it goes. Like I told you before, he may like you, even think he loves you, but he has problems.
You just be his friend, nothing more, and don't let anyone talk you into trying to do or be more than that.

Thank you everyone for their advice and support. Your right, I don't want to play seduction games with him. To be honest he treats me like his sister but I can't actually help the way I feel. I don't want to scare him. I don't want to go a step too far with him and make him think I'm desperate, if anything I want to stay close friends with him.
The poetry... ITS NOT WEIRD AT ALL! :P The poems he writes are very beautiful. And this is the thing, if he admits it to his friends then he's scared they are all going to think he's a weirdo. You see the thing is, he's like one of the most popular boys in our school and everyone wants to be like him and looks up to him. Hes a good team leader and fab person to be around.
People are mentioning that I make friends with boys my own age. Okays I'm going to be truthful, the boys around my age are all nightmares. I don't want a relationship from them but still even thought I try to be friendly they all drive me round the bend. So you get the dirty pervert type who just want to ask you personal questions and then there's the quiet type who don't say a thing. There's the type where you can have a good conversation that lasts for a good 1 minute before the silence comes and then there's the boys who start talking and don't stop talking about awful things like "wouldnt it be cool if so and so from this doctor who epidode came along" etc etc etc
Most people tease me for being too mature. And I guess I've always been mature. Its not bullying but still its like happy slappy which I suppose I'm going to put up with because it isn't going to change. I read the newspaper, listen to BBC radio 4, interested in politics and read shakespearian plays and stuff. Yes, I know it sounds like heavy stuff for a 13 year old but hey that's me and its what I'm into. This boy can just talk about it with me and we have all these good long conversations about stuff. Hes interested in it too. All the boys my age want to talk about his... football and rappers. They are all interested in my airhead mates who are just the same as them and get joys out of reading celeb goss which doesn't interest me one bit. This boy makes me feel like I'm no longer a weirdo and he's very interested into the sort of stuff I'm into.
Also I get teased for being an A* grade pupil so boys just see me as the class nerd. Basically boys my age are jerks

A man with no name, what do you mean by the turn off things.

In all honest truth I don't want a relationship with him, even though I do love him and think about him so much if he were to tell it to my face that he really liked him I would be so freaked out and say no. I don't want it to ruin our friendship

Then you continue to be his friend young lady.
Keep the friendship pure. But because he is popular as you say, when he gets in one of his "moods" and he may have them. Don't allow him to put you down in front of his "friends"
I wish you well young lady.

Thank you for your advice. Being truthful he doesn't get in moods, he just comes to me going "please, mel, help me, cheer me up, I need to speak to you". Thank you. Hes not the sort of person who would put you down in front of other people.

I just hope we can continue our friendship :) Thank you

I hope things remain good for the two of you. Be careful that he does not become an emotional burden to you.
Just take my advice for any guy in the future. Don't ever become so enamored by anyone that you allow them to treat you in a disrespectful way.
You know who you are and you are a bright and sweet girl. Stay true to yourself.

When I first started reading this I thought what's a 13 year old doing mixing it up with a 16 year old boy.

But, you are very mature as far as understanding what you are feeling, how you are interpreting your emotions, and how you are reading your friend. You sound like a really well adjusted kid to me, and I'd like to pat your parents on the back for their part in raising such a great kid.

Depression is one of those things that have symptoms and causes that you may not yet realize about him. If he has been diagnosed as clinically depressed and is being treated for it, then that is quite different then saying he's just a depressed person. An active, depressed person at age 16 is also coping in a different way with just growing up, which is hard enough to do without being depressed to start with.

You don't want a relationship with him as you've said, and that too shows maturity because you realize that doesn't fit right now. The key here is, he needs you.

It sounds like he's had problems long before he met you. I don't doubt that because he is highly artistic and creative that he is also more sensitive than those of us without talent, and as such, interesting and charismatic. The energy is different.

Watch for balance in this friendship. If you enjoy his company and still keep your natural ability to be practical and think critically, then why not enjoy him. He sounds fun and interesting to be around. On the other hand, when and if instinct tells you that it is unbalanced, and he is needing you far more than you are comfortable with, or that you are learning that he has problems far greater than you can help solve, then take a few steps back.

I don't get the impression that you feel the need to save him from himself, or rescue him emotionally which is also showing strength of character on your part.

Just be careful with how much time you invest in this relationship, and try not to become so involved with him that you lose sight of other friends and activities.

Thank you Jake2008 for this advice. I know, "Whats a 13 year old doing, mixing with a 16 year old" is what most people think. I even found myself saying it when I first met him.
Don't worry he's not my only friend. Although everyone sees me as a bit of a geek no one hates me and I don't any enemies. I do have friends my own age so Im not relying on him. And I suppose I have to have friends younger than him as I suppose my life is going to I don't know how to explain but, take a turn back to my old life when he leaves to go to unniversity. I know I will miss him but I can't stop him from going and I know he has to go develop his life further and I have to make continue my life and become a successful person. He's off in May 2010 so we shall have to make the most of our time together.
And don't bring yourself down! Of course you have talent! Everyone has a talent! We may not all make it famous but we can get somewhere with what little talent we have so don't go downgrading yourself with the statement those of us without talent.

Thank you for commenting on my maturity. Most people tell me I'm too sensible and never learn to have fun so the people I did confide in while not mentioning his emotional problems have told me to ask him out but as you know I will NOT be doing that.

Thank you for everything

You're a good kid Mel, you'll be just fine.

As to my talent, well, I'll continue to sing in the shower while the dog howls! Lol :)

I have the same thing my best friend,going on to 14 has a best friend who is 16 and he is adorable she introduced me to him nopt that long ago but you see I'm only 12 and he's 16 and I went roller skating with him and my friends and we shared an icee and we laughed with the whole group and then we all watched horror movie,I couldn't help but smile when he looked at me all night,it probably sounds foolish but I think I like him... alot, and my best friend knows so I feel for you and I want to tell him,but he's 16 and it would be weird and I know what kind of girls he likes,so good lluck mel, <3 :)

I have the same thing my best friend,going on to 14 has a best friend who is 16 and he is adorable she introduced me to him nopt that long ago but you see I'm only 12 and he's 16 and I went roller skating with him and my friends and we shared an icee and we laughed with the whole group and then we all watched horror movie,I couldn't help but smile when he looked at me all night,it probably sounds foolish but I think I like him... alot, and my best friend knows so I feel for you and I want to tell him,but he's 16 and it would be weird and I know what kind of girls he likes,so good lluck mel, <3 :)

Things have changed since I last wrote.
He's turned 17 now, and I'm still 13.
We have been talking a lot together, he tells me how special I make him feel, and how blessed he feels to know me.
I was singing at a concert on Friday, and he was in the audience, and he came up to me afterwards and went "That was really awesome Mel" and somehow I found myself in his arms, and we hugged for quite a long time... I thought I had managed to accept him as a friend but now I really don't know. Since that text he's never said he loves me, but he gets so close, or I feel he gets so close to it... I think I really do love him so much... Bother, No matter how I hard I try. We speak to each other a lot more, and I know we should only be friends. My feelings are starting to scare me.

You need to keep this on a strictly friendly level. This guy is too old for you.
Does your mother know about your relationship with this young man?

I'm trying, I really am, to keep it on a strictly friendly level. But it's so hard. I know, that nothing should happen between us. The age gap between us, I know is too large. I really like him, though. No one else makes me feel this way. We've sort of found each other, and when we're together we feel so happy. But the thing that we both know is nothing is supposed to happen. So I don't think it will.
What does my mum know? My mum knows I am friends with him. She knows that we have each others phone number and she knows that I email him. She thinks it's fine. She trusts me. The school I go to is fee paying and the boys tend to be a lot more sensitive and more gentlemanly.
However what she doesn't know is, how much we text each other, how many times we ring each other up, how many times a day we see each other. The fact that he sent me a text saying he loved me or the fact that I spend most nights emailing hin. I don't know how she would react if she knew.
We've just auditioned for a play, and both of us have got in with really good parts. I guess I'll be seeing even more of him these days...

I'm sure you mother would not like your constant contact and the fact that you both are betraying her trust.
You are a young girl with raging hormones and this guy makes you feel good, but he is old enough to know he needs to leave you alone. Knowing nothing should happen and making sure nothing happens are two different things. You guys are young, adults have problems in this area.
You two are playing a dangerous game. This texting and e-mailing half the night is not good.
13 is too young to be this involved with someone, especially someone his age.

I trust him. I trust him a lot. We're making sure nothing happens between us so we can stay friends.
So what do I do? Suddenly blank him and never speak to him again? That's not going to work. It will have an effect on me and him. I will become angry and upset with myself for hurting his feelings by not speaking to him. And he will wonder what he's done wrong. I like speaking to him. He makes everything that goes wrong in my life right. He's always there to support me and encourage me. I easily get unhappy, but since I've known him, I've always felt at ease.
Plus what do I do at these rehearsals for the play we are doing? We always have a conversation and a laugh together during them. If suddenly I turn up to one, and just stop speaking to him, how's it going to make him feel? Imagine how bad I will feel...
What do you think I should do then?

He is a teenaged boy after all and one with emotional problems.
I'm not saying don't talk to him but since you two are determined to make sure nothing happens, do not have any time alone make sure you are always with a group.
He is going to be 18 before you are of age so you will really be a danger to him. (jail bait)
Cut out the talk of love all it does is add fuel.

Be careful with this young man.

All we want to be is good friends. And I'm trying hard to put my feelings behind me. Although, to me, the way you speak about him you make him sound like some predator, when in fact you've never met him, nor been to my school and realised how kind and considerate we all are there. But then I guess, your only showing concern and giving advice.
I guess I'll always be in a group, but I am one of the youngest members of this group, seeing as main characters have rehearsals separately.
We both know that the only thing we can share together is friendship. Apart from me being really young compared to him, I don't know how friendship will turn me into jail bait.

I don't mean to make him seem a predator, but he is a 17 year old young man. Hormones!
You said he is telling you he loves you, which tells me there are feeling there.
If he loses control and acts on them once he is 18 and you're a minor, that is trouble for him.. He is old enough to know that.
You two need to be careful. Keep it friendly only. He is too old to be spending this much time with you and if your mom knew, I'm sure she would tell you the same thing.

I haven't said he is telling me he loves me. He has only said it once, while he was drunk and that's over 6 months ago now. He gets close to saying it, very close, but never says it.
Anyway, by the time he does turn 18, he has already left my school and is off to unniversity...

Well him graduating and going away will be a good thing for both of you.
The getting drunk is another thing that can keep him from keeping his distance.
You just be careful.

Ok, thanks for the advice, I know at times I may have sounded like I've been questioning it, but I guess I'm just a defensive person. It's appreciated

I'm only being "mom" giving you the same advice I would give my own daughter.
I care and want you to be happy and safe, to enjoy your childhood and hang on to your innocence as long as you can.
Let me know how things are going from time to time.
You are a sweet young lady, very respectful.
I wish you the best.