Hi everyone,I'm writing this for myself and for anyone who feels they have the time to read it. For the last few days I've been looking at posts and reading about people's relationships and problems and I must say I'm very surprised but in a way comfortable. I'm not sure why I didn't expect a lot of similar situations, but to be very honest, mine is nothing compared to those I've read about. This whole thing is almost pointless, I know what steps to take but its a lot easier for me to spend time trying to give good advice then to spend time taking my own advice. Therefore, any and all words are appreciated and noted.
I haven't dated many girls in my life, a lot of the time I was just shy, but honestly... I knew what I wanted in a girl and didn't want to date just to have fun because something seemed so wrong and pointless about that. I finally met a girl during a period of insecurity and loneliness in my life.This was my first relationship. She was everything I could've wanted and more, more than I would've ever expected. However, due to my lack of experience and overall facsination with this new relationship and girl, we moved way too fast. I was very cautious toward the beginning because I cared about her and I wanted to take the right respectful steps. However, on the first date she kissed me in a way that was very provocative. One thing led to another and we were mildly fooling around. However we both confessed to be in love with each other. We continued to go out and were very serious about each other but very immature. We had both found somebody we never thought could've existed and we were overtaken with each other. We talked all the time, and saw each other about 3 times a week. We never spent a day without making some sort of contact with each other. She was by nature an extremely sweet individual, the type that writes you notes with little pictures to make you feel better. However she was also slightly needy and didn't really seem to blatantly express her opinions or views on anything. She'd rarely just begin a conversation about something she'd thougth about just for the hell of it. However, she did agree with me about a lot of things although we had our differences.
For some reason unknown to me, I began to feel like she'd always be there and no matter what I did she'd still want to be with me. I am not sure if this made me respect her less but I am sure that it caused me to become selfish. I thought I was happy but I don't believe I was. I believed I loved her, but at the same time, I wanted so much more out of her even though she was the most considerate person id ever met. I did a lot of things to make her happy, but they were mostly on special occasions. I don't think I gave her want she needed on a day to day basis. The little things, like what movie to watch, or going to feed the ducks. Things that I used to think were so sweet began to frighten me and seemed immature and thus I allowed them less. At first I lived for her, but I soon began to want more and did things to try to make myself happy like play video games and sometimes they carried in to our relationship. I got her involved in one of them and it led to a very serious situation in which she had given a little too much information to a guy. At the time I had been talking to a childhood friend of mine who was a girl, and my girlfriend claimed that the only reason she let the information slip is that she was worried about me being interested in other girls and she felt she needed a guy to talk to. However, this information didn't fall under the category of personal help it was more personal in general. As a result I lost a lot of trust in her and broke it off. She cried harder than I had ever thought possible and called incessantly saying she was sorry and that she loved me, bleeding every detail of the situation at my request. I agreed to get back with her but still didn't fully trust her.
Now I realize that even though I knew she didn't, I felt like she owed me something and I put myself on a higher pedestal than her. Every now and then I would lie to her about something just to see her reaction, normally it had to do with another guy or something. I tested her becausei didn't trust her to trust herself. I was sick and absolutely diluted to the point that I couldn't think rationally anymore. We had a lot of good times as the future progressed but I became bitter and confused about what I wanted in life. I often felt like I was the only one who considered the future and that she was just living in the moment, professing false love and sucking me into believing her and putting my heart on the line. I didn't want to allow myself to make a fatal mistake so I broke it off a few times in attempts to understand myself and my feelings, but I never stayed consistent. I wanted to feel what it would be like to end it, but I didn't really want it to fully end. I exposed her to a lot she had never seen before and normally would've never considered. Such as explicit movies or terms. She was innocent, but before we had gotten together she had been dating the wrong guys simply because she wanted someone to love, she just didn't understand. Not that I was the right guy, but I wanted a relationship, not a whore.
She became equally argumentative after a lot of time, and we had little fights off and on, I had allowed a lot of pride to build up and sometimes found it hard to realize I was wrong about something. During all of this, we had a lot of good days, but I began to wonder if I was being too sexual with her. Meanwhile her twin sister is dating guy after guy, doing sexual stuff with all of them and getting hurt over and over. Her dad had cheated on her mom they get a divorce and the mom runs off with some other guy( total loser) after the dad attempts to work it out. Now her dad, having not been involved in her daily life is running a house previously run by her mom and is changing a lot of things. Her feelings are constantly unclear, she says things from time to time but never really has any burst of emotion, other than the constant crying that preceded the beginning of our relationship (she'd cry over the sillyest of things). After about a year and 7 months of being together, she began to change, she wasn't as sweet, and most of the crying had turned into anger. I broke up with her again because I thought she had become too involved in myspace and rapidly been changing. I guess I just wanted to see the old girlfriend I knew, and the only way was to see her reaction again. Although I felt more prepared to end it this time or at least go on a break. Now I might add that I have a very stable family life and I am very lucky. Anyway, this time I had ended it in a way that was nice and not vindictive sounding. So she accepted it, and I felt good about her reaction. I realized later that it wasn't what I wanted and I tried to get her back underr the condition that she'd get rid of her myspace (early on in the relationship she had agreed to delete her myspace if I deleted mine, but mine was used for connections to old friends in japan, but I was still in the wrong).
Due to my sadness and the potential realization that she was prepared to end the relationship, I quickly deleted my myspace and attempted to get her to do the same. Eventually she agreed she would after a very dramatic night in which I saw the old girlfriend I knew, she cried and begged me to not care about things like that. However, a few days later she hadn't deleted her myspace and said she felt we should go on a break. This break hadn't really happened because she wanted to talk to me still. She later finally started to call me less and I began to feel the pain of misssing her. So I attempted to repair the relationship again and found that she wanted to end it for a while and possibly permanently. I have grown more and more convinced that she was very serious about this decision, we were a year apart ( me beign older) and I feel she gained some maturity. We still talked , kissed, and even participated in a couple of benefits. Now we've agreed to stop most of it, although we still talk. We have the same job, so I can't avoid seeing her, and have given up attempting to prevent communication considering even when the job ends for this summer, I will see her everyday in school. I spent a lot of time thinking about everythign, and came to the conclusion that there was and probably still is something wrong with me. I cried many nights thinking about what I put her through and what kind of person I had allowed myself to turn into, but I think I've permanently scared her away, not to mention all the stress she's going through, she probably feels she doesn't need a boyfriend. HOwever she said she wants to date other people, even though I doubt she will or would want me to. Its been a few weeks and I have never suffered so much. I wouldn't have it any other way, I deserve to suffer and it's the only way I would've changed a lot about myself. I want a second chance on this relationship for its sake, to say that we both changed and tried to work it out as changed people, so even if it does end it can end on a better note. Please forgive me for the length, but I thank you tremendously if you actually put the time in to read this incoherent blob of thought and regret. If I made any inconsistancies or failed to provide any information, let me know. Any opinions are most appreciated!
