My so called "mom" called me a liar and a slut the other day and she said that it was just because I was a teenager and about how she knows how teenagers act. I have done my very best not to let her see it hurt me so much buit honestly... the ENTIRE weekend I was in my room crying my eyes out I have not come out of my room not to go to the restroom or even to eat. I have barely ate anything since she told me that. I just don't see how a mother can judge her child based on her past and the child's past.

Is that right for a mother to do that... I mean calling her a slut when she's not even sexually active and calling her a liar when she could prove to you that she is telling the truth??


When my mom called me a liar I told her to call the person and ask them... WHO WAS AN ADULT!. and she said she would but hasn't even asked me for the number or anything... I could just go insane!! She is not a fit mother and I want to leave but How do I do it behind her back when she has the passwords to all of my accounts except for this one??


Lord help I need to be free from this mentally scrutinizing pain... this is worse than when I was with me sexually abusive father and that's the truth.

Sorry about what your mom said to you. My parents sometimes say things like this to me too. Over the years I've figured that it was just because they were angry and didn't really mean it. I think that if you think what your mom said was wrong, you should take some time to convince yourself that you're right and she's not. Sometimes if someone calls me something I don't want to be called, I just sit in my room and think about it for hours. Eventually, I relize that what they say isn't true and they really don't think I'm a bad person. People just get angry and say mean things. Don't you think so?

But see the thing is that I talked to her about a few days afterward too and she says the same thing and here is the other thing she has only known me for 10 months. That is not long enough to judge soembody unles they actually caught them or had EVIDENCE I just can't believe she is that low. She even called me low life... she has called me so much I just can't bear it any longer I fell like Im about to explode

Sorry for spelling errors

There are really three questions here so I will answer each in turn.

How to respond to a parents overly powerful negative feedback, especially when the words they use are hurtful?
Your mother has tried to validate what she said by claiming it is standard. Obviously she knows it was wrong but cannot perceive of a way to take it back. That means you have to be stronger. (And I feel for you, I really do). Here's where the true test of your strength and your willingness to be the person you believe yourself to be is tested. If you live with others I suggest that you put this only where your mom can see this, if you live with her let it be open. Write the words that she has used recently in a negative way on a piece of paper. Title it "Words that hurt" Tape it prominently where she can find it. Make sure you add every word she has used recently. If she takes it down. Put it back up add a second title, "Things that hurt" add ignoring my feelings. This may seem contentious but your mother needs to know how much she hurt you and the way she did it. If she is not willing to make amends (not in the form of bribery) then you should consider the next answers very carefully.

How to leave an abusive parent?
Many states offer hotlines especially for teens who are involved in abusive situations. While your mother may not mean for this to be abusive over time it may get to the point where it is. If you don't call the hotline then talk to your school counselor and ask that she keep this private. If your school counselor is unwilling or unable to keep it quiet then contact your local safe place National Safe Place - Where Kids Get Help...FAST this address will help you with this information. Please be willing to share everything with them because in court advocacy if you don't tell them that both parents are abusive they generally try to place you with the other parent, which in your case is equally bad.

How to deal with sexual abuse?
I highly suggest that if you were sexually abused by your father that you make a report to the police even if they don't prosecute. Contact National safe place concerning this abuse and they will be able to put you in touch with rape advocacy and abuse advocacy groups. The problem with abuse is that it often inflicts the entire family not just you. Part of the ordeal your mother may be facing is guilt and shame for letting it happen to you and this may come across as anger. There are support groups that cater to families and friends of the sexually abused, as well as support groups for the sexually abused. I suggest you find your local chapter.

Lastly, have courage, I know it may seem like the situation is too tough and that you are to the breaking point, it's all right to cry, it's all right to feel lost, it's all right to feel lonely. It's all right to want to run. But you should know that there are people you can turn to in your community, a shoulder to cry on, a person to help you find yourself, a friend to chase away the loneliness, and places where if you need to run you can be safe. So have courage, it will get better

Have you talked to your mother about the way she makes you feel?

I know that people sometimes say things, and don't really understand how that affects you. What your mother said was not right, she should not say that to her daughter. But maybe you should talk to her, and tell her how that made you angry and upset. Tell her how you are not sexually active, and maybe she will understand. I know this is something that you don't want to hear, but she loves you. And she just has weird ways of showing it. She is going from the past, and you should tell her that she should forget about the past and look forward to the future. Just don't starve yourself, and go to the bathroom. Go out and do something for you, that makes YOU happy! :-) Don't let what other people say about you affect you like that. Just trust me.

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she has only known me for 10 months.

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How the heck did you end up with a mentally unstable, abusive, angry mother that you've only know for 10 months?

Where were you before this?

Can you go back?

I think we need more info.

CSlager
I have been going to councling and I can't do that I will get grounded an dhave to quit Rifle team. I just feel like I can't cry... heck she even said it herself. I just want to get out of my entire family this is the second time this has happened to me.

Xoxlove

I have told her EXACTLY how I feel and calmly. She doesn't care she kept telling me the same thing "your a teenager and your little brother and sister will get the same thing when they are older."

IT Isn't RIGHT!!

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

How the heck did you end up with a mentally unstable, abusive, angry mother that you've only know for 10 months?

Where were you before this?

Can you go back?

I think we need more info.

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I was sexually abused by my real dad and I had just met my mom but I ended up telling on my dad when I was down there so they put me in a youth shelter for awhile then after a week they put me in my moms care.

Before this I was in Arizona living with my dad.

No I can not go back to my dads but I can go back to Arizona and set up a place to stay, school enrollment, a job... the whole nine yards but I don't know how to get emancipated. I know everything I have to prove but the stuff I had to prove my mom found and locked up in her filing cabinet.

Meaning just met her off the internet and my dad had talked to her for a few days before I found out who it was.

So we went down to visit her here in IN

Do you have reletives like aunts and uncles that you could stay with? If you contact a social worker, they can probably arrange a new place for you to live. Talk to a coulselor about it.

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Originally Posted by mizz_on_her_own

IT ISNT RIGHT!!!!!!

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No, it isn't right. I don't know what you can do, your "mother" obviously doesn't know the first thing about teenagers, or people in general. We are ALL different. What she did, what she's seen teenagers do, does NOT mean you'll do that. My mom says the same thing, but in a different way. Not calling me a slut or a liar, just saying I'm like all other teen girls with internet access who chat with 65 year old perverts and is going to get raped and murdered. But I could never imagine being called those things by your own mother.
You've done a lot, tried talking, consueling, I would focus on what a lot of these people are saying. GET OUT! I understand it'll be hard to pack up and move again, but it'll be for the best.
Please accept my deepest apologies for what your dad and mom have done to you. You're a strong girl, I really do admire you for going through all that. Keep your head up.

Xoxolove

No I don't have anyone that I could go stay with but I have talked to someone that I have called mom since I was old enough to talk and she said that she would divorce her husband to get custody of me or her daughter would. I just have not been able to talk to her in awhile because of my real mom.

tntdynamite

That is what me, and every other person who has ever met her, been trying to tell her.

Middle Way House

Here is the organization I believe you should call. I am going tell you something right now.

If you choose to leave her chances are you will be forced to leave rifles. So being afraid of losing something means you have found a life just the person who is your parent is making things difficult. If you are serious about leaving then you need an advocate and most likely a place to stay. I gave you this address because they have the best resources to either help you or direct you.

But they will tell you the same thing, either face your mother or don't both are your decision.

Personally I would stop worrying about what your mother does and does not have. I'd be calling the state agency who placed you into custody as they are supposed to have follow-up meetings. Tell them what has been happening. Be very specific. They may find that your mother is also unfit to provide you care in which case the person who is near family may make a claim to help you.

Also try searching other agencies on the internet. There are probably many of them that you could contact that can arrange another home for you. Try to find something. Contact the one CSlager mentioned above. You're not going to get out of this mess if you don't do anything to get out of it. Good luck. :)

I think your mother is being so mean towards you because she herself made the mistakes she accused you of herself.
I also understand that parents are important, their opinion matters, but if you want to leave that means you don't want to deal with her, therefore I have a question for you:
Does it matter what she thinks if YOU know it's not true? So she think you are those things... so what? Her opinion doesn't matter! Just like you said, she's not fit to be a mother, then why does her opinion matter? Don't give weight to what she's saying! Trust me, it's the way you are supposed to approach this.
Here's my story: I moved here a few years back and before that I was the most hated girl in town. I lived in small place, and our school was composed of tops 400 students. Do you know how quickly rumors spread in such a small community? I was only in 6th grade and had a crush on this 8th grader who had been set back a year even... he's was so cute and ALL the girls in every grade liked him. He had a girlfriend thought. I happened to make the mistake of telling a friend that I liked him, and he told his girlfriend who told him to make fun of me. He expressed interest in me though! He said I was cute and that angered the girlfriend so badly that she started telling all her friends that I was a whore. That I had had sex and given blow jobs and so on and so forth. The whole school came to think that of me. Only a few close friends knew the truth. I hadn't even ever kissed a boy! I became depressed because of this. It was so hard to have people hate me and call me things I wasn't. I hated myself. I cried all the time and feel asleep everyday at 5 pm so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain. I hated going to school, walking in the halls. It really hurt. I moved here to the U.S. a while later and the pain was still there for 3 years. Then I fell in love with my boyfriend once I had overcome most of my insecurities. But after 5 months I still couldn't get physical with him... I was so afraid I would be called a whore again... with time and his help I overcame my fear and my life is back on track. It was really hard for me and I learned that what others think doesn't matter. So please, don't make my mistake, don't let her win like I let them win, don't believe her and don't let her ruin your life and the way you see yourself. And don't run away from your problem, face them.
<3

CSlager

The only problem with that is that I have a scholarship I can get if I continue with rifle team and if I leave it goes down the drain.

Also I don't have anymore family that I can go to. Except Cheri but here is the thing abput that she has a husband who is a sex offender but she already said that she was working on getting me into her custody and how she was going to divorce her husband to do it.

Flyingeye57


Well I do but I don't care what my mom thinks.
I care because I've wished and prayed for my mom to come around for 11 years and I finally got it and I wanted to prove my dad wrong because he kept saying that she didn't love me.
On the other hand I don't care because I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I know who I am and I know who I'm not. I've been practically raising myself since 7 years old trying my very hardest to avoid my dad.
If anything I'll just move back to AZ. Because that would be the best place to find a house and the best place for me to get a job and enroll myself into school.

I have a situation kind of like yours but different. Ive been with my parents since I was born and they put me through so much crap. They have yelled at me so much for stupid things that make no sense. I been told to go to hell, that I should never have been born, that my brother is way better than me and I have no friends because no one cares about me. They've said that they are going to kick me out of the house soon and that they should kill me. I been told many times that they are going to kill me and I just can't take it anymore. I've confronted them about it and I just don't care anymore. I never did anything wrong and I'm an honors/ap student who gets good grades. Everyone loves me and I'm liked by many people. Somehow over the years I've managed to deal with it and just not let it bother me. They win if they put you down, and you can't allow that. If your mom doesn't see how great you are than you shouldn't let that get to you. I agree with kgraves1995 that you should go do something fun to forget about it all and cheer yourself up. No matter what, you can't let your mom get you down.

Yeah the only thing is now I'm grounded for not telling her stuff that is going on in my life.

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Originally Posted by mizz_on_her_own

CSlager

The only problem with that is that I have a scholarship I can get if I continue with rifle team and if I leave it goes down the drain.

Also I don't have anymore family that I can go to. Except Cheri but here is the thing abput that she has a husband who is a sex offender but she already said that she was working on gettin me into her custody and how she was going to divorce her husband to do it.

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And?

While a scholarship is important your well being is much more important right, otherwise you would not have made this desperate plea? There are other scholarships, and quite frankly if you are a ward of the state that allows you to be eligible for financing that kids with parents who provide for them are not eligible, namely state and local grants. The rifles scholarship may be terrific, 1000 dollars even but some state and federal grants can pay for as much as all of your student costs to go to a state school.

An example. A Pell Grant to a kid whose parents make 30,000 together=$0. A student who is eligible either has to prove that they do not have providers like wards of the stae or that they are too poor. Perkins loans are available to those same students, and there are at least three or four foster grants and scholarships that I am aware of. This is the one time I feel a young person is worried about the future when instead they should be worrying about the here and now.

That's dumb for being grounded in my opinion. You still shouldn't let it all get to you. Since your grounded go in your room and just turn music up and chill to that. That's what I do when my parents ground me for stupid crap. Music helps me cope to situations and helps me calm down and it also makes me forget about all the bad things that keep putting me down in life.

Its ironic how my problem is kind of similar to yours. My parents call me names all the time and its stupid cause I do nothing and I'm an honors student who wants to go to college. I don't do bad things, but yet my parents just want to screw with my life. They don't want me going to college so they have screwed up my whole chance to get grant money and scholarships. I can't file for the fafsa at all so I'm screwed. It makes me mad.

The best thing I could recommend for you to do is ignore it all and don't let it get to you if she keeps treating you this way for no reason.

Yeah well I am still grounded she says that I am grounded till further notice. And I'm not just worried about the scholarship itself and not getting into college it is just that I LOVE rifle team and I do want to go to college. I have just gotten back from the nationals for it and cam VERY close to winning third. I just absolutely love doing it even if I lose I feel like a winner.

When I'm grounded I do just turn my music up and just lay down, dance, read, write, or sleep.

I am slowly but surely learning to cope with all that is going on around me and I have to give all of the thanks to you guys. So thank you very much oin helping me and still being here to help guide me the right way.

Your welcome and thanks!! : )

Good Luck to you sweetie... stay strong and believe in yourself.

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Originally Posted by mizz_on_her_own

Yeah well I am still grounded she says that I am grounded till further notice. And I'm not just worried about the scholarship itself and not getting into college it is just that I LOVE rifle team and I do want to go to college. I have just gotten back from the nationals for it and cam VERY close to winning third. I just absolutely love doing it even if I lose I feel like a winner.

When I'm grounded I do just turn my music up and just lay down, dance, read, write, or sleep.

I am slowly but surely learning to cope with all that is going on around me and I have to give all of the thanks to you guys. So thank you very much oin helping me and still being here to help guide me the right way.

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I had an idea a minute ago... how about when your grounded if you could do something different. Do this... Spend time with your Mom. See if there is anything that you can do for her or help her with since your stuck in the house. Once she spends more time with you and sees that you are a responsible girl that is not as selfish as she thinks she may open up and trust you more or communicate more. That could solve part of the problem or if nothing else it will make her think twice about grounding you again in the future. It could open up the lines of communication to the point where she feels that she understands you better? Just a thought

Yeah well I tried that and she says that she is going to give me a drug test now. So I told her that she could and I'd pass clean. I've tried to help around the house but they won't let me do anything then they turn around and say that I need to do more.

Sounds like your mum needs some serious dr. phil time.
Stay strong, they are only words, you know you are not this person that she makes out you to be and you need to hold onto that. She hasn't known you for long and hopefully in time she will realize that you are a good person.

Shazmataz is absolutely correct

Well, I am trying but it's not working too well.
I just find it easier and easier to just stay away from it all heck my boyfriend risked getting yelled at and tried to call me to ease my pain because he knows what is going on.

I was just wondering if you have told your mother about what your father had done to you and how it made you feel. If you haven't, tell her. She must be completely crazy if she doesn't understand.

Yeah I have told her. Heck she knew that he was doing that stuff to me. She is the one whoforced me to tell. I tis just complicated.

What happened to the lady that you said was like a mother to you? Have you spoken to her or contacted an agency that can help you? You have to act on it. Nothing it going o happen if you don't do anything. I hope you find a way out. You will but if you don't do anything you're goung to have to wait until you are 18 to get out of this mess.

Well I haven't talked to her, in god knows how long, because of jennifer (my biological mother) and now I have no way to contact anyone because SHE WENT THROUGH MY ROOM AND READ MY JOURNALS AND MY EMAILS!! SHE WENT THROUGH EVERYTHING@!! I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER!! I wouldn't be surprised if she strip searched me!

She told me that:
"Nothing is private and nothing is yours when no one trusts you."

That isn't right those things are my thoughts, my heart, so I felt like I had to shred them. So, I shredded all my journals, my poems, everything because it is my business my life and my thoughts and I don't want her knowing them because she always uses them against me, when I did talk to her about the way I was feeling, like blackmailing.

Now she found a stupid note in my room about how my boyfriend told me he loved me and that he didn't want me to be mad at him and Aaron, for Aaron's little brother getting on a writing an inappropriate message, and that he would talk to my mom about the situation and I told him to save his breath because my mom won't listen and he tod me tp f*** my mom because he has seen the way she treats me and he doesn't like it one little bit. But, anyway she found the note called his mom and I think my mom might make me break up with him and then I'd be so furious at her I wouldn't be able to even talk to her no matter what the punishment.


WHAT DO I DO??

Don't let her ruin your life. That's all that I can tell you. It sucks how people have to put up with crap like this. It's not right.