Ask Me Help Desk - Teenage boy-17

Teenage boy-17

I have a problem with my grandson. He is very disrespectful to my daughter. He says f you and other things to her. What can we do?

Honestly, I'm 18 and I know people like that. My fiancés sister is thirteen and acts like that.

There is nothing you can do without calling the police getting the school involved etc.

If he is disrespectful in school they might be able to do something about it, other then that your daughter needs to become tough mom. If she's afraid he's going to physically hurt her then I don't know what I would do.

I had a friend who treated his mom like that and he ending up going to juvie for 2 years for hitting her, when he came out him and his mom have had a fantastic relationship. I mean it might take some serious action to fix that problem.

Good luck and I wish you and your daughter the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by krzekali89

honestly, im 18 and i know people like that. my fiances sister is thirteen and acts like that.

there is nothing you can do without calling the police getting the school involved etc.

If he is disrespectful in school they might be able to do something about it, other then that your daughter needs to become tough mom. If shes afraid hes going to physically hurt her then i dont know what i would do.

I had a friend who treated his mom like that and he ending up going to juvie for 2 years for hitting her, when he came out him and his mom have had a fantastic relationship. i mean it might take some serious action to fix that problem.

good luck and i wish you and your daughter the best.

Thank you but he is out of school. He went to an academy for troubled teens. He hasn't found a job yet and yes she is afraid he will hit her and she has a son that is 9 living there also and he may hit him. He does have his diploma. He has no dad at home.

If he does not respect her rules, then he should not live there.

If he can't begin to respect her, then he should learn the hard way how to make it on his own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngalps

if he does not respect her rules, then he should not live there.

if he can't begin to respect her, then he should learn the hard way how to make it on his own.

But she can't legally kick him out because she is responsible for him until he is 18. And if he gets into trouble, she will have to get him out of it. She doesn't have the means or the money. I told her to kick him out but she can't right now. His birthday is not until the 14th of July. Then he will be 18. I don't think she can put up with him that long.

Oh... okay. I thought because he was out of school, he was 18 or over.

I've heard in some states you are a legal adult when you finish school or turn 18. She might want to check out your state's laws.

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngalps

oh...okay. i thought because he was out of school, he was 18 or over.

i've heard in some states you are a legal adult when you finish school or turn 18. she might want to check out your state's laws.

That is OK. It is 18 here.

Ground him until he can learn to be respectful or at least he moves out. Where are his parents? It is there responsibility to teach him respect.

No t.v. no cell phone, no going out, no after school activities, no friends over, no sweets, no allowance, no fun etc etc

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

ground him until he can learn to be respectful or atleast he moves out. Where are his parents? It is there responsiblity to teach him respect.

No t.v., no cell phone, no going out, no after school activities, no friends over, no sweets, no allowance, no fun etc etc

The mom works and the dad left so he is on his own at home. It does no good to ground him because he says f you. And does whatever he wants to.

He does whatever he wants to because he knows he can. He is the child. The adult simply needs to take more charge.

How old is he?

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmunsey

the mom works and the dad left so he is on his own at home. it does no good to ground him because he says f you. and does whatever he wants to.

Who pays the bills in the house?

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngalps

he does whatever he wants to because he knows he can. he is the child. the adult simply needs to take more charge.

how old is he?

He is almost 18. His mother is afraid he will hit her.

If he pays no bills h has not say in the household. He can say "F" you all he wants, that still won't change the fact he's punished. He needs whoever is going to punish him to stay strong and stick to their word.

No parent should have to be afraid of their child, the child should be afraid of the angry parent. His mother can hit him back if he hits her. This is called self defense. If he hits her she can call the police. 17 year olds go to prsion. God forbid it ever gets that ugly.

He has no solid guardian this is where the problems started. The mother needs to get more involved and you do as well. No grown up needs to listen to him or should be afraid of him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

If he pays no bills h has not say in the household. He can say "F" you all he wants, that still wont change the fact he's punished. He needs whoever is goign to punish him to stay strong and stick to their word.

No parent should have to be afraid of their child, the child should be afraid of the angry parent. His mother can hit him back if he hits her. This is called self defense. If he hits her she can call the police. 17 year olds go to prsion. God forbid it ever gets that ugly.

He has no solid guardian this is where the problems started. The mother needs to get more involved and you do aswell. No grown up needs to listen to him or should be afraid of him.

You are right chrissy but she is afraid of him. He may kill her. Sometimes kids do that. I don't want that to happen either. I agree with you 100 percent but the teen has been grounded and he don't care. He still does what he wants. He is very strong and tall and God if he hurts his mother or anyone else, I will file charges on him myself.

I think you should bring the law enforcement over to have a talk with him. Find out if you kick him out now, if the adults will get into trouble.

If she fears for her life, it sounds like she might be able to get him out of the house and get a restraining order on him.

It would help just to bring the law into this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by southerngalps

i think you should bring the law enforcement over to have a talk with him. find out if you kick him out now, if the adults will get into trouble.

if she fears for her life, it sounds like she might be able to get him out of the house and get a restraining order on him.

it would help just to bring the law into this.

Well that is where it gets complicated. Because his stepfather, who adopted him, is a police officer. He doesn't care about him at all. He has not seen him since he left. He could care less. And if he is kicked out, the mom will be responsible for him so if he gets into trouble, she will have to pay for court costs and everything. She is a single mom and she can't afford it. He can't be kicked out with nowhere else to go. Then he would be on the street. He may get into drugs then. So now what?

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmunsey

you are right chrissy but she is afraid of him. he may kill her. sometimes kids do that. i don't want that to happen either. i agree with you 100 percent but the teen has been grounded and he don't care. he still does what he wants. he is very strong and tall and God if he hurts his mother or anyone else, i will file charges on him myself.

"he may kill her..." Are you serious? If so this situation has got completely out of hand. If shi is threatened of her life by someone in her household who is staying there under the good will of her, she is completely out of her mind and has lost control of her life. If his respect for his mother has gotten that bad he needs to be accompanied by the police out of her home and sent to juvenile hall. There they will teach him some discipline that his mother did not.

This is completely ridiculous. His mother should not feel threatened by her son. Any child who would attempt to kill their mother because they were being fairly punished for their actions is deeply disturbed and requires professional help immediately. He may have mental issues.

It's time for your daughter to develop some tough skin and start showing some tough love with an iron fist. She shouldn't fear her son it should be the other way around. He probably knows that she fears him and this gives him the upper hand tell her to stop it now. I don't care if she got to get up in his face or get something to beat him with if he ever hit her. She deserves respect and shouldn't have demand it.

It takes a village to raise a child so if she has brothers, uncles, males cousins, or anybody, they should help her now because she needs it. She have to take back control of her house and she better do it now before he gets physcial with her because if that was my son he would be laid out someone once he open his mouth to curse me off after I give birth to him. I wish my son or daughter would ever talk to me this way when they get older, boy that would be some day.

This kid is crying out for help and love; how about someone giving him a hug.

Yes I know he will reject it at first, I mean the people who loved him have always rejected at some point.

I don't agree with the threads TONE of tough love, punishment, boundries, etc. even though I believe in those methods. I don't think one person so far sees how much pain this boy is in and how he got this way.

Yes, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and those around him do not have to accept his behavior and should set firm boundries; but those who do love him in his life need to try to get past his anger and be the loving person he can trust and can be a mentor to him with regard to his behavior and his future. Otherwise, this angry rude young man's future and those around him including his future children will be bleak.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

"he may kill her..." Are you serious? If so this situation has got completely out of hand. If shi is threatened of her life by someone in her household who is staying there under the good will of her, she is completely out of her mind and has lost control of her life. If his respect for his mother has gotten that bad he needs to be accompanied by the police out of her home and sent to juvenile hall. There they will teach him some discipline that his mother did not.

This is completely ridiculous. His mother should not feel threatened by her son. Any child who would attempt to kill their mother because they were being fairly punished for their actions is deeply disturbed and requires proffesional help immediately. he may have mental issues.

Chrissy,
You are talking about a mother. She has done a lot for him. He has been to counseling and school for boys where he graduated. You know, you never know when someone will crack. It happens all the time. Have you ever heard that saying, "he was such a nice person. we never dreamed he would do anything like that?" that is all I am saying. Sometimes people do snap and lose it. I try to talk to him and I tell him how proud of him I am for graduating and everything. I don't know if he cares. I will never stop telling him though. I am sure he does have mental issues. A lot of this started when his stepdad left him. He was mean to him.

In New York there is a program called P.I.N.S.

PINS STANDS FOR "PERSONS IN NEED OF SUPERVISION".

PINS is not for abused children and it is not for Juvenile Delinquents who commit illegal acts. It is intended for misdirected and confused young people who are acting out bad behaviors, hanging with a "bad" crowd, not complying with reasonable household rules or who run away from home. It is a tool for keeping them on the right track until they are able to make good decisions for themselves and to curtail the growth and continuation of inappropriate activities

I do not know your state but there may be a similar program in your area.

Best of luck.

Your right artlady. I live in New York and hear about this program. There is also a program called The Door that helps trouble teens and they provide anything from counselling, support groups, family counseling, and a big brother or sister. They even have a legal team on hand and they take the teens on trips. They offer many other things too. There are so many programs available to teens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

In new york there is a program called P.I.N.S.

PINS STANDS FOR "PERSONS IN NEED OF SUPERVISION".

PINS is not for abused children and it is not for Juvenile Delinquents who commit illegal acts. It is intended for misdirected and confused young people who are acting out bad behaviors, hanging with a "bad" crowd, not complying with reasonable household rules or who run away from home. It is a tool for keeping them on the right track until they are able to make good decisions for themselves and to curtail the growth and continuation of inappropriate activities

I do not know your state but there may be a similar program in your area.

Best of luck.

It seems that everything that has been suggested has not been enough and there is a reason it won't work... hopefully she can get somewhere with this :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

A 17 year old male, threatening his mothers life, completely disrespecting his younger sister and all his elders including his own mother, who cannot be punished does not need a hug. In my opinionthis is not good advice.

I didn't say their life was threatened. I said it could be. You can't just throw your son by the wayside. And it is a younger brother, not sister.
Thank you for all your help. I will look into the pins thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmunsey

i didn't say their life was threatened. i said it could be. you can't just throw your son by the wayside. and it is a younger brother, not sister.
thank you for all your help. i will look into the pins thing.

The possibility that he could threaten her life and the thought that he would is enough to throw anyone to the wayside. Maybe not permanently but at least for a little while. Being a threat to someone's life is very serious so if your not being serious when you say it is a possibility just don't say that. As for PINS, It is a really good idea to look into it but you can't just find out then throw him the information and hope he goes. If no one can punish him you can't expect to go where you tell him to either. His mother should make going to PINS his only option to get out of a very torturous punishment.

Good luck with everything. I hope you actually do do something about this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

The possibilty that he could threaten her life and the thought that he would is enough to throw anyone to the wayside. Maybe not permanently but atleast for a little while. being a threat to someones life is very serious so if your not being serious when you say it is a possibility just dont say that. As for PINS, It is a really good idea to look into it but you can't jsut find out then throw him the information and hope he goes. If no one can punish him you can't expect to go where you tell him to either. His mother should make going to PINS his only option to get out of a very torturous punishment.

Good luck with everything. I hope you actually do do something about this situation.

Okey dokey

Anger is often a self-defence mechanism to keep people at a distance because the person has been hurt. The angry person doesn't want people to be close because he can't take the pain of being hurt anymore. So the best way to protect himself from that hurt is to lash out, to make sure nobody gets close.

Somebody needs to see through this and be adult enough and mature enough to love him in spite of his self-defence of anger. Shipping him away without support will only re-enforce the abandonment issues he already has.

If you must seek professional intervention, please have someone there to (figuratively or literally) hold his hand, and YES to give him a HUG when he is overwhelmed.

You are right, do not throw him by the wayside; never give up, too many people have already and that in part is why he is so angry.

He is but a child screaming for help, to a true loving parent or grandparent this would be obvious; to an outsider in our culture all they can see is someone in need of punishment.

Be the Grandparent I know you can be and help your Grandson.

PINS is a mandatory program. He would have no choice as he is under 18.Its like a type of probation,without a record.
The state dictates what is allowed and he must comply.
It is also a way to help a parent who is at a loss ,there is counseling and such that is mandated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TexasParent

Anger is often a self-defence mechanism to keep people at a distance because the person has been hurt. The angry person doesn't want people to be close because he can't take the pain of being hurt anymore. So the best way to protect himself from that hurt is to lash out, to make sure nobody gets close.

Somebody needs to see through this and be adult enough and mature enough to love him in spite of his self-defence of anger. Shipping him away without support will only re-enforce the abandonment issues he already has.

If you must seek professional intervention, please have someone there to (figuratively or literally) hold his hand, and YES to give him a HUG when he is overwhelmed.

You are right, do not throw him by the wayside; never give up, too many people have already and that in part is why he is so angry.

He is but a child screaming for help, to a true loving parent or grandparent this would be obvious; to an outsider in our culture all they can see is someone in need of punishment.

Be the Grandparent I know you can be and help your Grandson.

Thanks Texas parent!! My feelings exactly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmunsey

i have a problem with my grandson. he is very disrespectful to my daughter. he says f you and other things to her. what can we do?

You're not alone, he's like every 17 year old in the country, it's adolescence. It sucks for everyone, including him, but it's just one of those things that has to run it's course. It lasts for a couple years but he will snap out of it, especially if he goes to college, and he'll apologize for being such a jerk.

Just don't give up on him. He wants a challenge, so give it to him.

... And I wouldn't hug him or treat him like he's 7 and not 17, treat him like a man and I guarantee you'll be well received.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

You're not alone, he's like every 17 year old in the country, it's adolescence. It sucks for everyone, including him, but it's just one of those things that has to run it's course. It lasts for a couple years but he will snap out of it, especially if he goes to college, and he'll apologize for being such a jerk.

Just don't give up on him. He wants a challenge, so give it to him.

...And I wouldn't hug him or treat him like he's 7 and not 17, treat him like a man and I guarantee you'll be well received.

Hug's aren't reserved for the young, you would be surprised how many adults consider a hug a normal sign of affection. Do you not hug your mother, grandmother, dad, uncles, family at all? If not, how sad for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

You're not alone, he's like every 17 year old in the country, it's adolescence. It sucks for everyone, including him, but it's just one of those things that has to run it's course. It lasts for a couple years but he will snap out of it, especially if he goes to college, and he'll apologize for being such a jerk.

Just don't give up on him. He wants a challenge, so give it to him.

...And I wouldn't hug him or treat him like he's 7 and not 17, treat him like a man and I guarantee you'll be well received.

Yes I agree but he will never go to college.