Ask Me Help Desk - I truly believe I can get him back, how long do I wait?

Ok me and my boyfriend were together for a year
He was a really bad boyfriend a lot of the time, and he was horrible to me before we got together. But when we got together he really was my sunshine even throug
To all those people who are told, "give up he'll/she'll never want you"
I tried so hard to get him, we were just friends, I was lovely to him, he liked me more, we went out he fell in love with me.
Towards the end he finally changed, he stopped breaking up with me over anything, ringing me up drunk and abusive etc.
But we had one argument and I think that was it for him, he was SICK of arguing.
I cried so much (probably a mistake) and he said OK you gave me so many chances I owe our relationship another chance. I was ecstatic, I was all lovely to him etc etc
Then he was funny for a few days
And finally he said I don't feel the same
Obviously I was devastated I was a pathetic wreck and still am devastated
I did all the no-no's- cried in front of him, told me he didn't really mean it, and txt him saying I miss him and I love him etc etc
I've just realised that that is wrong. I have to live my own life. I got my nose pierced and am dyeing my hair from red and black to blonde and I'm going to do ME
What I need to know is... how long do I wait before I talk to him again?
Because I know he still cares, the relationship as it was just wore him down but of course it doesn't feel like that to him.
He said before he'd never go out with me and I ended up being his world.
How long do I wait before I casually txt him again before his feelings really do go.
Yeah I'm pretty suicidal to be fair.

Don't text him. He sounds like a horrible person. You deserve better. Move on. Don't settle.

If I wanted someone so much it was making me suicidal, THAT would be the reason I wouldn't be around them. Unless you can handle the ins and out and ups and downs and beginnings AND endings of relationships without considering suicide, you shouldn't be attaching yourself to any guy. Not only are you risking your life (suicidal), if you were to mess yourself up while dating someone you would destroy them by doing it.

Not good, lose lose. Time to get your marbles cleaned and checked before you risk them again with a man.

Look, After an intense relationship like that, it will be a VERY long time before you guys can become anything causual. The whole no contact thing; is a rule for a reason, it takes a lot of stress off your shoulders. It saves the awkwardness, the hurt, and the anger. All of the lingering emotions you two have need to work themselves out. He does sound like a prick you do deserve a lot better than that.
Now you being suicidal, and yea I feel the need to address that too forgive me, I got dangerously reckless after me and my ex broke up and trying to talk to him just made me that much worse, and I'm going to tell you like kind of like my best friend told me, 'dont be afraid to lean on someone; no matter how strong you think or are or how strong you're "suppose" to be.' It will get better I promise you that, but right now you need to focuse on you. Im not saying that you should forget him completely, your past helps make you who you are but if it was TRULY meant to be then it will work itself out leave it to god to decide that, you take care of yourself...

He can be horrible, and at the same time he can be amazing and was my best friend. It's really hard to let go when he made me so happy a lot of the time. I live in England and I'm moving to America this autumn and he was supposed to be coming with me. It's so hard to think that I'll be going without him. Especially as I know that he still cares, and obviously so do I.

It seemed that he never cared. I would try to move on. Fill your time with something more productive, and find someone in America that will treat you better!

:( I wondered that. Then I remember the look on his face a few months ago when I said I wasn't sure if I felt the same because of the hell he'd put me through, it was the first time I'd seen him cry about anything, apart from the time when he cheated on me. & I knew he was genuinely sorry and willing to work hard to make it work and he did.. and now this.. *sigh* I've tried so hard to move on but...

He's NOT sorry, he's just a good liar/actor. Move on.

My ex's ex/old friend kept messaging me asking how I am? And I though off her own accord. Then she tells me he asked her to check I was OK and he msgd my friend telling her to look after me. Yet he is SO nasty to me. I rang him yesterday to ask why his ex was messaging me (breaking the no contact thing) he said, " don't get offended when I hang up it's for your own good"
My ex has always been hasty and said things he does't mean
Splitting up with me I think is one?
What am I supposed to think... :(

Don't be offended by his hanging up. He did that because you called him with an irrelevant question.

Don't do that anymore.

RULE TO LIVE BY:
"Believe nothing you hear, and only half of what you see."

Go back to the NC, stop thinking about him. Stop processing information about him from others. Move forward.

Save the confusion and drama, he is a nut, so forget him, and celebrate your freedom.

How do I honestly distract myself from the pain of missing my ex. On a day-to-day basis I mean, not wacky extreme things like going out and getting a "new hobby". I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex. But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him. Anything that really works?? Pleaaasseee help

X

Do whatever you like to do...
Movies, read, TV, hang out with friends, get a pet, study.

But you got to be strong... even if you feel liike calling, don't

Getting out of the house and getting a hobby is "whacky"? Involving yourself in new things that could possibly be time-consuming and thus effectively distract you from your obsessive thoughts is "whacky"?

Well, we know the problem now. You want an answer that involves you sitting in your comfortable life and change nothing and still magically have the pain disappear. For that to work, it would have to truly BE MAGIC.

Recovery isn't about convenience, it's about doing. If you aren't going to get out there and DO other things, then the little distractions you try at home will fail and you'll be back here asking for help again.

Write down how you are feeling. What you write doesn't have to be perfect, just get out how you are feeling. Cry, beat up your pillows and yell, then write some more. That's what has worked for me.

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Write down how you are feeling. What you write doesn't have to be perfect, just get out how you are feeling. Cry, beat up your pillows and yell, then write some more. That's what has worked for me.

Also with this method I can look back on some of those awful events and I sometimes wonder why I was sooo emotionally torn and realize those situations weren't very life altering after all... also when something bad happens now I can use that journal to remind myself that I Will Pull Through It!
So can You!

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I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex

Part of your problem is your still holding on to false hope.
.

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But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him.

Your suffering as we all do unless we commit to moving on and rebuilding your life without them in it. You can't have it both ways and need to figure out your moving on or stuck on..!

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Anything that really works?? Pleaaasseee help

I have only one suggestion and that's to get with the no contact and stick to it. If its an easier way your looking for, your on your own.

You need to be an active participant in your recovery. Don't just expect to think or do things just like always and you'll magically get over it. You need to get it your mind that you're going to do this. You're going to get over it. Stop thinking about the past and start planning your new future and your brand new life. See the positives all around you rather than looking back at the one negative.

Hang out with friends, make new friends, get out in the world and experience new things. Take a class, clean your house, volunteer, whatever. Set new goals for yourself that aren't centered on your ex or your relationship.

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Originally Posted by Boristheblade

How do I honestly distract myself from the pain of missing my ex. On a day-to-day basis I mean, not wacky extreme things like going out and getting a "new hobby". I really want to go through with this no-contact thing as it's the only way forward either to move on OR to get back with my ex. But I'm really suffering now and I know I'll break it if I don't lessen my longing of him. Anything that really works?????? Pleaaasseee help

x

Thank you for your advice, especially the, eh hem, more direct approaches. I only said without getting a hobby because I have enough... I play sport at a county level, dance, and am currently doing exams. That's why I wanted ways that weren't so time consuming. Writing sounds good. It's also true hanging on to hope and thinking of him is stopping me feeling better. Thank you again :)

Ok I need help. I think I need to be specific in order for anyone reading this to fully understand my pain. I am 17 years old, but because of adult experiences I've had to deal with as a child, I am very mature for my age. My ex boyfriend is 21 years old in one month. I first met him at a party my friend had, and we got on right away and I really liked him and he really liked me, as we talked more he informed he could not enter a relationship with me as boyfriend and girlfriend because he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. While this hurt, I accepted it and we were just "seeing" each other.

However, one day he asked me to stop ringing him because he said he was talking to his ex and that was a big thing for him and it didn't look good with me ringing all the time. I felt really hurt and rejected but accepted this and we didn't talk for a while. Then one day I asked him to come around because I had something important to tell him. This was on MSN. He got really angry and told me to just tell him then because he thought it was nothing. So I told him that I was pregnant, I was 16 at this point. He was very dismissive and was like, " go to the doctors, as soon as it's proved get rid of it it's nothing". When I told him I wasn't sure that's what I wanted to he got really angry and said he'd tell my mum. Anyway we concluded the conversation that he'd pick me up and we'd go and get me tested so I could prove to him I wasn't lying.

He then went offline, I went on a different address to check my email and saw him online. I was so hurt and angry that I'd told him I was pregnant and he'd blocked me on MSN. I told him to leave me alone and that I didn't want him to have anything to do with it. He apologised profusely and asked me if we could start again. So I agreed and went offline myself. He came and picked me up, I proved to him I was pregnant and assured him it was his. He told me I had no choice but to get rid of it because he'd have nothing to do with the baby.I was due to go on holiday to New York so we said we'd discuss it more after.

When I got back we met up just to talk but I ended up sleeping with him again... while I was three months pregnant :| I know, I know, Anyway a random girl added me on MSN that I did not know and started pouring her heart out to me about how her little cousin was pregnant and she didn't know how to help her. So to console her I told her about me and that I was coping, she asked the boys name. I didn't think anything of it so I told her. All of a sudden she became hysterical and did a lot of ":O" faces, then blocked me. Next thing I know my ex boyfriend came online and asked me why I had told his ex girlfriend about it when he forbade me to tell anyone. I was so shocked. I had no idea it was her.

This is a big part of the story but I'll shorten it because there's lots more. There was a HUGE fallout over the next few days. Because she told me a lot of lies he said about me.He told me she was lying they fell out, partly because he'd made out I was some easy whore he picked up in a club for a one night stand APPARENTLY, when the truth is he was too selfish to be there for me. By this time I'd had my induced miscarriage and he said he'd be there when it happened he was nowhere to be seen, and did not offer me emotional support afterwards.

They stopped talking. He apologised to me, and we made up and became friends. However, by this time I'd fallen in love with him and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything was perfect for awhile, he was lovely, and it was a dream come true for me because I'd always wanted him to be there for me and care for me and want me. However, he started breaking up with me over little things, being really inconsiderate, ringing me up drunk and abusive etc. On new years eve he broke up with me in the middle of a club because he said I ignored him when he came into the room, he pushed me up against a wall. I was crying in front of everyone while my best friend helplessly watched the events unfold. I told him to walk away and he couldn't, he came back to me and hugged me and told me he couldn't do it and was sorry. I went home because he'd ruined my night. The next night he told me all the things he would change and promised he'd make this year good for me, everything was finally going right.

A few days later, his ex came online asking about him. This confused me as to my knowledge they didn't speak. She admitted he'd been cheating on me with her, and that's the real reason she came online-to tell me. One of those times was after he'd ruined my night on new years eve.I confronted him, at first he was angry he'd been caught out. But then he text me all night saying it was me he loved and he realised that now and he wasn't lying when he said those things on new years day. Anyway I ignored him, but he turned up at my house the next day, it was the first time id seen him cry. He bought me a necklace I'd always wanted and I genuinely believed he was sorry so silly me took him back. He did not change however, though he didn't cheat on me again, he carried on being horrible. Until one day I walked out and he knew I wasn't coming back and he literally dropped to his knees and cried, and he actually changed then.

But we had a huge argument, he said to me, "I didn't have this problem with blank". His exgirlfriend. I was so angry I stormed out of the car. He then text me saying we were on a break and later saying he did not want to be with me anymore. I was distraught that I'd put up with so much from him only for him to do this to me. Seeing how hurt I was he said he wanted to give us another chance. So he did, and I did, and everything was lovely like we were just going out again. I was so happy for the first time in a long while. But after ignoring me for a whole day, he told me he didn't feel the same and he was breaking up with me for good.

I was so distraught, I was the perfect girlfriend he'd said and yet after just two weeks since that argument he'd "fallen out of love"with me. After everything we'd planned, we were supposed to be moving to America together at the end of August. He was my best friend and the only one I depended on. I haven't eaten or drank or slept properly for two weeks. He said to make it easier for me we couldn't talk. I respected this. Though I'm sure he rang me one day so I text him to ask he ignored me. I then asked if I could have my cd back he ignored me. So I told him I was coming to get it and he told me I wasn't because he wasn't at home and wouldn't be all day. This was at 4pm. He works 11pm to 7am. He goes straight home and sleeps. The only reason he wouldn't be at home was if he went straight to sleep at someone else's home and was going straight from their to work. He was at his ex's house.

After everything, a whole year he tried to convince me I wasn't second best to her and that he loved me and not her. There he was at her house less than two weeks after our break up. I adored him and still do and he never loved me even though I treated him perfectly as even he admits. I only gave up my baby to make him happy. I don't have my baby I don't have her dad.

I need help on how to cope with this because I can't function. I can barely breathe. Someone please tell me how to deal with this pain of rejection and betrayal.

A counselor can lead you through the process of dealing with the adjustments needed to get over the loss of your child, and help you forgive yourself, and leave the loser your going out with.

If he was your best friend, you would do better with your enemies. See your doctor ASAP!!

I appreciate you taking the time to read that monster of a story! And I'll go and see my doctor tomorrow hopefully. If not I'll at least make an appointment tomorrow.

You cope by stating the truth of the situation. Your baby has been given a phenomenal gift by you. You loved them enough to put them into a situation of love and resource, their life will be a very different one because of the gift you gave.

It hurts, but true love hurts. What you did for that baby was the most awesome act of selflessness a mother can ever portray. You did that. You are THAT strong.
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You cope by stating the truth of the situation. The "father of the child" you no longer have was really no prize. You loved him, granted, but that was always true. That's irrelevant in the "we can make it" department.

Setting the love aside, if you knew everything you know about him now at the beginning, would you even date a man like this? Of course not.

Losing him is hard, it hurts, you had such high hopes, but the truth is YOU are the prize, not him. He earns a place at your side with his good character and faithful allegiance. You don't chase him down. YOU are the PRIZE.

Love will come again to you, and next time you get pregnant you will be much more prepared to be a parent, right? This is all good, hard, but good.

You cope by stating the truths of the situation, feelings aside, and nothing but the truth.

Thank you JBeaucaire I could not have actually asked for better advice than that. He is a horrible person and whether I love him or not-being with him is not an option. :)

For everything you have been through you are a very strong individual! Just keep your chin up! When my ex and I broke up I went and got my hair done and went out with the girls and I felt allot better! You deserve someone who is going to faithful to you! Trust me soon enough you will look back at the situation and wonder why was I ever even with him! Since he wasn't there for you when you needed him he isn't worth you being hurt! Just remember that if he wasn't there then he will never be there for you! So, this may be the best thing for you sweetheart! Just remember smile!:)

Hello I'm sorry if it looks like I'm trying to advertise but I would be grateful if somebody could help me. It's under should I wait?
Thanks very much and sorry for intruding

More advice on this would be greatly appreciated :)

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Originally Posted by Boristheblade

Thank you JBeaucaire I could not have actually asked for better advice than that.

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More advice on this would be greatly appreciated :)

Aw, shucks, I thought I already won. ;)

No , no. I am definitely going to take your advice :)
It's ADDITIONAL advice I'm seeking not OTHER advice

X

He Boris

You (every woman) needs a guy who has them first and foremost. Before anyone or any activity, etc. No it won't be the day you meet them but soon, or lose them. Yes it's great if they have friends, dreams or hobbies, but if it's more important than YOU, it's a no-go. If they already have themselves so devoted to other people, you will never be first. Not a good quality for a spouse. (Don't get me wrong I should take my own advice, but it's easier to see this from the outside). He told you from the start he already was devoted to someone else... NEXT!!

You definitely deserve better than to have to share your pedestal.

The thing is by the time we were getting together he and I both believed he was over her and put me first. This is still so hard :(

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Well, words usually mean things. Anyone who calls an abortion "giving up my baby" is playing horrible word games.

With all due respect it clearly says an induced miscarriage. I wasn't playing games horrible or otherwise, thanks.:mad:

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Originally Posted by Boristheblade

With all due respect it clearly says an induced miscarriage. I wasn't playing games horrible or otherwise, thanks.:mad:

Wow. I don't usually miss things that important, but that particular headliner was buried a little. I admit to missing it, TWICE. My bad.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize if you took my praise to you for giving your baby up for adoption as a sarcastic attack. I really HAD missed the abortion info and was expressing true appreciation I have to women who are able to give the gift of adoption. I meant every word and used them because I accidentally applied them to your situation.

I was not intending to be sarcastic if I came off that way. Please accept my apologies.

And again, my reference to word games... another blunder in the same sequence. You absolutely did not play any word games, I humbly apologize for intimating you might have.

P.S. I deleted the offending post. My sincere apologies.

Those familiar with my story-I was doing well 2 weeks since I spoke to my ex at all and 25 days since I saw him and then my ex texts me saying "you've ruined any chance of being friends again. " I asked him what I'd done and he was swearing at me and abusing me (his style) and finally told md it was because I'd told someone we both know that I had been pregnant and at the time he told me not to tell anyone. I apologised because I shouldn't have said it, and reminded me he'd made mistakes too,and he refused to accept it and got really personal towards me. I eventually just snapped and realised I didn't have to take his abuse any more- and I (immaturely but provoked) got really personal towards him too.

Anyway it went too far, and I agreed to go to his house to sort it out. We talked and I asked him about the claims he made of cheating on me. He admitted on cheating on me one other time that I didn't know about near the beginning of our relationship. Anyway we made up, and he asked for a hug so I hugged him thinking it was just friendly, but he held me for a long time, and then he kissed me (honestly all initiated by him) and then we REALLY made up. I asked him how he honestly felt about me and he said that I'm someone really close to him, I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, he obviously still cares about me as more than a friend and that we would probably be together again when we'd had quite a fair amount of time apart.

Anyway I went home, I left my phone so I went to get it today. I'm not sure how the conversation started but he said he hoped one day we could really be just friends. I asked him what he meant and he told me that he hoped we could be friend when I was completely over him. I asked him if that's what he wanted- me to completely move on and to never ever be with me again. He said yes- for definite.

I'm upset that he gave me false hope- or maybe he didn't and I'm just reading too much into it? It feels like he's just broken up with me all over again. I didn't think we'd be together like now, but I thought we would in the future and I thought he did too but obviously I was wrong. I can handle talking to him because we - like I've said before- were also best friends. Should I go back to NC to speed up the process of me moving on? Or is that not feasible now? I don't know what to think of all this... help?

By the way- he said these things just before I left. The first time I went to his house I mean.

OK listen, it seems like you guys have a long history together and that something still sort of connects you both but I think its only one way, mabye the making up part he kind of used you but I don't think its fair of him to totally change his mind the next day, he seems like he wants his cake and eat it too, he's unsure of what he wants and right now he just wants to be 'friends with benefits', don't do this to yourself, the best medicine for this would be for you to take time off from him. Mabye go somewhere for the weekend and just take time off and enjoy and relax, all this stress and worry is not good for your child either. Obvisously talking things out didn't solve too much it only confused you even more but he isn't being clear either it seems like your off and on all the time which is why your hurt all the time. Give yourself a break and just cut loose, its better for your heart.
=) hope everything works
**LD**

The best course of action is do the healing, and then wait too see how you feel later on. You may not have time when you have rebuilt your own life.

I really need you guys again. I want honest advice, opinions etc. Right. I was doing NC with my ex because I refused to be friends with him until he gave me the respect I deserved. I got a text the other night,it was definitely from a girl and I knew it was meant for him and was somehow sent to me :confused: so I forwarded it to him and rang the number. A boy answered and told me someone mightve used his phone. I just left it and went back to sleep

But the same boy rang me all day long :confused: he knew my name, where I lived, what I look like, my ex boyfriend, he knew what I was wearing the day before. I ignored him. He rang me around thirty times during the night on an anonymous number and hung up every time I answered. Then sent texts like "STOP RINGING ME" I txtd my ex and asked him to help me work out who it was. He ignored me. The next day I didn't eat and was so exhausted with it all, I decided to just go to my ex's house to talk to him because I didn't want to keep txting him begging him to talk to me basically. He didn't have respect for me to even say "i dont know".

Anyway he didn't see why I was there, I didn't see why he couldn't just tell me who it was. We argued and both said we didn't want each other in each others lives. I felt tears welling up at how sad I was that I never did anything to hurt him and he treats me with such cruelty so I just left.

Guess who the girl was that text me- none other than the ex that's been in the rest of my posts. He knew it was her but insisted he had no idea.We are literal enemies and she asked me to talk to her online to resolve things , so I did. She confessed to me that My ex never stopped seeing her all through my relationship- you're probably thinking that I should take it with a pinch of salt but I believe it- he did say that when we argued around two weeks ago but took it back.That they spoke/saw each other every single day and I never knew or suspected. For the whole year we were together.
I forgave him when I caught him cheating and I thought that was it I was so wrong. I feel like such a naïve pathetic idiot and that somehow maybe I deserve the way he treated me, if I didn't deserve it then why did he do it?

I feel amazingly just, crushed betrayed hurt and angry. Why did he work so hard to convince me it was me he wanted not her when he never loved me and was seeing her all the time anyway?:S Why didn't he just leave me alone? Our whole relationship was just a sham. They are best friends and I suppose they sit and laugh about silly little me that actually thought my ex loved me. I don't know why it bothers me but it DOES. Because he was supposed to be my best friend, I depended on him and this is what has really been going on. I can't imagine trusting anyone again.

What do I do now? How do I heal from such betrayal? Is my devastation an over the top reaaction? Is my ex really that cruel? Opinions and advice please I'm just so hurt and lost in it all:(

What do I do now?
Keep going with how you have been with NC, you learned what happens when you contact this arse, so avoid it. Change your number

How do i heal from such a betrayal?
The relationship is over, but it will be a big stinger that he cheated, but be thankful you are out from this hellhole you had of a relationship.

Is my devastation an over the top reaation?
Not at all, you have ever right to be angry but don't stoop to his level and give him satisifation of him knowing it bothers you

Is my ex really that cruel?
Sad, but yes he is. But look at the good point, you are done with him. He is something else problem now

Do you deserve this treatment? No. You do not. I applaud you for making the choice to go NC. It sounds like distance and non-communication with this ex is the right way to go. Its so hard, I know, because you gave so much of yourself to him and your relationship - its hard to let go and try and move on. But you must.

Don't let this ex of yours control you. Don't give him your power. By "give him your power" I mean, don't let him take control of your emotions, your heart, and your time any longer. You have the power to say NO, I am choosing to try and move on. That, my dear, is power. And it is yours... no one can claim it... its yours. Don't give it away.

I wish you the best and hope that one day soon you will be able to look back at this relationship and smile for the good times. :)