Okay.. a bit of a story here, but please help me.

I am 16 years old in grade 10 in high school. My ex is 15, also in grade 10. (There is only 2 months age difference).

Some background on my ex girlfriend:
She was in a relationship with a guy, "John" for 4 months. She knew this guy since birth, and they have been friends for life. John is 20 years old.

Then I came in, and she broke up with him for me. (NOTE: This was her decision. I did not even ask her out until about 2 weeks after she broke up with "John.")

So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.

She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends. She says she wants to be friends with him still, which I understand. Don't forget that this guy has been in her life as a friend for 15 years.

So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react too much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't surprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see each other in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

The school day is over now, and I am walking home. I get a text message, "we have to talk." This happens 30 minutes after a fairly normal day of seeing her. In the end, she calls me that night, and dumps me. I ask why, and she says she feels guilty about what she did with "John." She says the way I looked really broken when I figured out he kissed her. And she says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, so she broke up with me.

I saw her the next day in school, and we talked like nothing ever happened. I wanted to talk about the break up, and she knows that. I didn't want to talk about it in the middle of my english class though. So we were supposed to talk at lunch, she was "busy." We were supposed to talk after school, she was "busy." I aksed if we could meet over the weekend and talk but, you guessed it, "busy."

SO,
Does anybody have any idea of what may have happened? And how do I get her back?

Please don't tell me I am young, and have a whole life. I want her back now. Please help.

I should also point out that she really is annoyed by "John" and I am 99% positive she wouldn't go back to him. He wants 2 kids, and marriage. The girl only wants some fun, and a person to support her. She is, after all, only in high school. And John is in University.

So what happened? And how do I get her back?

Thanks for reading my novel of a story, and thanks for the help.
-J

The only way to get her back is through the best friend zone. You accept her breakup, and become the absolute best comrade in her life.

You console, you don't pressure, you let her know you still like her, but want her friendship first and foremost, you want nothing to jeapordize that. You stay in her life, by her side, as close as you can get, and worm your way lovingly into every part of her day.

Your job now is to be the awesome fun guy. When she starts to rethink her attitude about you, you're there and ready.

You were going out with this girl for 2 weeks and she already put in enough drama into the relationship to make it painful to you in someway...
Be careful with what you wish for, cause I don't think this girl is it.

Thanks for the help JB, I really appreciate it. I will try that.

And nickshehe, thanks for your perspective, although I disagree, thank you for taking the time. I like this girl enough to put up with the drama, and hopefully, we can get past it.
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But what do you guys think of me telling her how I feel, then aksing her back right then?
If the only reason really is this ex boyfriend kiss thing, and how I reacted, and how she thinks I feel, then I could clear that up and we could move on, stonger than before right?
Would this work? What do you think?

"You know I like you, so remember that and keep me in line if I overstep my place. Meanwhile, remember you can always rely on me and our friendship which I believe is most important of all. We don't need to be bf/gf but I think we both benefit from having good friends who understand each other. Don't you?"

Sure, you can tell her, but not as a play to get her back. You don't "convince" a girl to like you, she comes to it on her own because you're an awesome bloke.

Friend zone.

Thanks again JB, I feel better already.

Save yourself the time and trouble, as she will be busy because she wants you to move on, and there is someone else of interest in the picture. You just can't see it, but he is there for sure. Move on from this as friends is as good as it will get with her.

talaniman, Maybe I am being too optimistic, maybe I am setting myself up to be hurt. I don't know. What I do know is I am willing to take the risk.
Thanks for your opinion though.

Your call!

I think you should just ask her about the breakup, play it cool though, ask her why she broke up, cause if she broke up with you for the reason she claims she is oversensitive, but still you have an opening to get back with her.

I'm really fond of the friend strategy and I always use it. But you have to be careful, make sure you don't end up as too good of a friend, then she would never want to ruin a good friendship by dating you. Be there, be the fun guy and remember to once in a while make a random joke that she is a good kisser or something, so she'll remember that you can also be a boyfriend.

Good luck!

Thanks MulhollandDGirl, I think that random joke thing is a good idea. Thanks for the advice.

And talaniman, I don't mean to disrespect you, I just don't agree with your advice. I thank you for wanting to help me though.
I don't think I could ever explain the entire situation, but I think you all get the jist of it. The way she broke it off left the relationship kind of open, and we still haven't had the talk about why she did it yet, so who knows how it will turn out.

Thanks again for the advice everybody, and if anybody else has any suggestions, please let me know what you think!

I have to agree with what Tal and nickshehe said, they are both being realistic. There are so many red-flags from what you were just telling us. This girl obviously doesn't know what she want yet, and is testing the water. She's obviously still learning about herself.

High school romance is fine as long as if its all just fun and game, I mean it's a good experience for learning how to solve conflict. But you shouldn't expect any serious outcome from it, especially not with this girl. Also, as someone said before she has created so much drama in the span of 2 weeks already.

It's been 3 days since I have talked to her, and I am doing okay. However, I still want her back. I will see her at school tomorrow, so I will see what happens there.

I can hopefully talk to her over our lunch period.
What should I say?

I still like you, and I still want you back? Do I just let her know I am happy and very okay with just being friends? I know not to beg for her back, but is it so bad to mention how I feel, and ask if there is a chance of getting back together?

Help is still needed here. Please, keep the suggestions coming, your help is very appreciated.

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but is it so bad to mention how I feel, and ask if there is a chance of getting back together?

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She knows how you feel. That's not really the problem.

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So I went out with her, for about 2 weeks, hardly anytime at all :(.
She decided to go out with her ex one day as friends.

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This is your problem. She needs space to make up her mind, despite your take on the guy, she may not be over him. Let her decide for herself what she wants.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but leading with your emotions will cause more problems than it will solve. Your in to deep for just 2 weeks. Step back, and see things as they are, and not just what you want them to be.

I am beginning to think more logically than emotionally.
I know I am really in deep for two weeks, but that's how I am. I don't think I mentioned that I knew her since February. She broke up with "john" only 4 weeks ago. I asked her out a little over 2 weeks ago. So I have known, and liked her for over two months.

I went into the relationship not expecing a long relationship, she did after all leave her boyfriend for me. It would not be a shcok for another guy to come along, and she would leave me for him, or if she went back to the ex.

And about that ex, I guess she may still like him. When we were going out, I really doubt she would say something like, " I still have feelings for him." To me of all people.

Keep in mind, I have still not talked to her about why she broke up with me.
Should I try to talk to her about it? I really want to know why, to see if we can save the relationship. I know the relationship can only be saved if she wants to save it too. But do I talk to her about it? Or do I just leave things as they are. I feel if I leave things as they are, then not even a friendship is possible. So confused...

And thanks again for the help and advice, it is helping me. But what should I do!
When you say give her space, do you mean not to talk about the break up? And I have been trying to give her space; I haven't talked to her for 3 days.

Okay, well, I just got off the phone with her. We talked, joked a bit, she asked me a question about a history essay she has to write. It was a simple, random question that anybody could've answered. I didn't bring up the break up though. It was like nothing happened. Just two friends. Why did she call me?

She initiated the contact, even though she broke up with me. Before she hung up, she said that we can talk about the break up tomorrow at lunch.
So again, I ask what do I do tomorrow at lunch? This latest call puts hope in me that she misses me. Am I right? WHAT DO I DO??

I know it seems like she is driving me crazy, but I really want her back. Please give me practical advice on what I should do, and not tell me to move on.

If there is anything more confusing than women, it is teenage women.
Help...

You do nothing but wait for tomorrow at lunch. You get what you want then.

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If there is anything more confusing than women, it is teenage women.

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Naw, they get smarter, and older, and even more confusing.

If women get more confusing, I don't know how much more I can take! Lol

... I guess I will wait, and see what happens tomorrow at lunch.
I still don't understand what the phone call was all about though.

Take it slow man. Don't get your hopes up.

The phone call was to get you to talk to her about it tomorrow, be glad she did because that will either give you closure or an opening. Just be glad you got that as I myself am still waiting/not expecting my ex to breach the NC I have instituted. Good luck and be yourself.

The thing is, I have been the one trying to get her to talk to me, lol. I tried the night she broke up with me, but she was "busy." I tried the day after, but "busy." Then I asked to talk to her over the weekend, but "busy." So now after not talking to her, she calls after 2 days and asks to talk tomorrow.
I didn't want to pressure her into talking to me, I think she has just decided that she is ready to talk.

I really wish you luck with your situation, mrchef. I can really understand your situation. For me, it only took 2-3 days of NC, so I hope your situation works out. Good Luck mrchef.

Welll that's kind of what I did but you have to remember not to ask for her to take you back. I did that twice before consulting here for advice. This talk, like I said before, will either give you closure, which is what I think I got even though I'm still hoping for it to work :/, or she will keep you as a possibility. All I have to say is be ready for an interesting day tomorrow.

Ha, an interesting day is an understatment.

So, just to clarify, from what people told me on this thread before, tomorrow in the talk I should:
-Tell her how I feel
-Let her know I am okay with the break up
-Let her know I am okay with being friends
-be calm, take it slow

BUT, I don't ask her back? I can't even say, "do you want to give it another try?" or "are you sure a break up is what you want?" or anything like that? The way she left it was very open, and sudden.

From what I've come to understand she has to bring that up you can't force that upon her. Her mind has had to change from not wanting to hurt you by going back to the other guy to wanting to be with you.

Its kind of like that saying you can't move an elephant unless it wants to be moved

Good point, thanks for the advice.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now, the next time I check in, it will be after school tomorrow! I will be back, to let you know how the talk went. Hopefully I will have good news, but like mrchef said, I'm not getting my hopes up. I can at least get some closure from this talk.
Can't wait! I will talk to you all tomorrow, and thank you for all the help guys!

Okay... today went well, but I didn't end up talking to her about the break up. Something I have noticed is that I don't have that burning desire to be with her all the time anymore. I think I am finally calming down now, but I still want to talk.

I still have feelings for her, but I am not 'infatuated' with her anymore.

So, I was going to talk to her, but her friends were around, and they wanted to talk, so I didn't pull her away. I will try to talk to her tomorrow, but she really seems to be avoiding the talk. Should I keep trying for the talk (I don't bring it up every minute, or pressure her into it. I have only mentioned it once to her.) OR, should I just give up on closure, and any chance at getting her back.

I still want her back, but I want to hear your opinions on this...

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So she goes out with him one night (I figured this out the day after.) I also figured out that he kissed her. She told me this, and she told me she backed away, and got mad, and stopped it right away. I didn't react too much because she told me, and I trust her. This guy has also been sending her love letter, begging her to go back to him, so I wasn't surprised when he tried something like that.

A day after she tells me about the incident between her and "John," we see each other in school. It is a normal day, but she has been quiet, and avoiding me since the incident between her and "John."

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Could it be that you showed a different impression of how you felt about this in your facial expression?

And yes, be calm, be cool, and don't follow her all around the place. She will only feel guilt (even though in my opinion she has no reason to be because of her age and not needing to promise anyone anything right now).

Stay in the friend zone for now and don't neglect yourself. Go on and make a few new friends and when you do spot her, wave and smile SHOW her that you are still her friend even if she does not want to talk right now. Basic body-language and facial expressions can communicate a lot, so practice in front of a mirror if you have to. Maybe one day soon, she might not be so busy and will be ready to talk again - give her time.

Keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gifWith summer break coming along soon, you could text or email her once a week just wishing her a good weekend.

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!
Sorry if I am a little excited, but I may have discovered why the break up happened, thanks to you (Thank you)

She has pointed out that I have weird facial expressions, and what I feel is different from what I physically express. That may be it. I am a little disapointed that she broke up with me before even asking me about how I felt...

Now that I think about it, I was quiet, and didn't say much to her for the rest of the day. I may have really screwed things up with my lack of physical expression skills...

So should I give her space? Now that I know the reason, I feel like the whole break up is just a misunderstanding... she thinks I am broken inside after what she did, but I really am not. Do I tell her this, talk to her about it, or do I leave it? It feels like the relationship is extremely savable right now, after realizing this.

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Originally Posted by jrsg

If women get more confusing, I don't know how much more I can take! lol

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LOL right back. If I had 5 cents for every time I read or hear this one... or
'' I want him/her back!'' I would be a millionairess right now. And it has nothing to do with your age-group or mine (I'm 57). 99% of all humans go through these emotions and survive, sometimes more than once in their lives. The other percent consist of pimps or worse. So, welcome to the Upper 99% Club!


I promise, it will get easier... one day when you are happy with a family. But, I cannot promise when - nobody can.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

I remember the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

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Originally Posted by jrsg

I remeber the face I made when she told me, I just did it and looked in the mirror, and do I ever look sad with that face... the hardly talking for the rest of the day probably reinforced her idea of me being extremely sad about the situation...

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That's what I thought. So, she was not wrong in assuming that she 'hurt' you and you did say that she is young and should think of just having fun right now.. All you have to do is work on your expressions when you say things, especially when people look you in the eyes and see what you really feel. Sometimes we have to practice a lot to prevent from being too open and vulnerable.

So, even though you stated that you did not want to hear it:
You're still young - give yourself time and patience.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it...
BUT, I still really want her back.
I know its just high school, and I am not going to get a long term relationship, but I want to be with her as long as I like her.
Its sounds a little selfish, but I feel she likes me back. The only reason she broke up with me is because she "didn't want to hurt me anymore." If I let her know my true feelings, and that I wasn't hurt by the incident with "John," then we can be together again.
Is it okay for me to just let her know how I feel?

Some of you are saying that I should just let her go, she's not worth it... I feel different, and I think she is worth it. I may sound like a crazy person, but I don't care.

I would love to hear your opinions on this. I would especially like to know Chery's opinion...

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

"You know I like you, so remember that and keep me in line if I overstep my place. Meanwhile, remember you can always rely on me and our friendship which I believe is most important of all. We don't need to be bf/gf but I think we both benefit from having good friends who understand each other. Don't you?"

Sure, you can tell her, but not as a play to get her back. You don't "convince" a girl to like you, she comes to it on her own because you're an awesome bloke.

Friend zone.

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This, in my opinion, is the best answer to your most current question whether it's OK to let her know how you feel and want to keep the friendship.. What you do dear, is up to you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifKeep us posted. EDIT: What's important is that you don't bring up the past, no matter what, unless she does.

Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together...

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, because every time we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)


This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decision is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

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Thanks Chery, I will take the advice into consideration.

Please know that I really appreciate this advice, but the final decision is my own... I will do some thinking, and let you know what I finally decide to do. I may make a mistake, but I will definitely learn from the mistake. I think this is something that is best learned through expirience.

Please don't feel that I am NOT discounting your advice... it is very appreciated, has made me think more clearly, and I thank you.

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That's exactly what we expect you to do. Make your own decisions, mistakes and gain your experiences. That's our mission here. We just advise from our collective experience and let you do the rest.

Good luck dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifWelcome.

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Originally Posted by jrsg

My decision making process so far... PLEASE HELP, ADD ON YOUR IDEAS TO THE PRO/CON LIST
DO I...
Tell her I WASN'T really hurt by the incident with "John," and that I still like her. Tell her that there is no reason for her to feel so guilty, as I am not that hurt. Ask her if we can get back together... NOPE, I wouldn't bring up the past at all!

PROS:
-She will know how I feel
-She could take me back, we could be together again (ABSOLUTE BEST CASE SCENARIO)
-Even if she turns me down, I feel we could still get along, be friends

CONS:
-She could turn me down
-I make myself vulnerable, put myself out there (I am usually a fairly quiet, nervous person)
-Her knowing I still like her could make future meetings between us awkward
-What if it makes the "friends" thing not work, becasue everytime we talk it is awkward (ABSOLUTE WORST CASE SCENARIO)
-It could scare her away, push her further away, and make getting back together in the future less possible (Pretty bad)
.... especially if you dwell on the past.

This is what I have so far, please help, and contribute your ideas, it will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

As of now, the "She could take me back" pro is a big one... Right now, my decison is to tell her I like her, and ask her back

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I would keep it plain and simple, tell her you'd like to maintain friendship and do fun things together, but go slow on the rest - you need to let that come naturally after she feels comfortable again.

But, again, what you do is up to you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

But I haven't yet even had the talk about why she broke up with me... Why is it so bad to bring up the past?

Sorry if these questions may seem obvious, but I am 16, and have little expirience with relationships.

But why not bring up the past? I need to have the talk for closure for myself too. (Sounds selfish, I know)

Here's my view on it.

If you are still 'talking' she already knows that you still like her and want to spend time with her.. and that you probably are no longer bothered by 'John'.

I consider that closure enough if she accepts your friendship and feel that you will only make her feel guilty and uncomfortable over again if YOU bring up that subject. If she wants to talk about it at all, she should be the one to bring it up, NOT you.

No matter what age, when someone insists on bringing up such issues knowing it could mess things up, they are showing traits of jealousy - and this, at your age, can wind up growing to become a major problem now and in your future and needs work on controlling it as it is a sign of insecurity on your part. If this dominates your thoughts, then you do have a potential problem with that dangerous 'green monster', and this, my dear is one of the biggest turn-offs for any female - no matter what age. It makes them feel you think you own them and that's not a good start.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about in this as I was married to a spouse abuser. Why do you think there are so many men out there who beat their partners.. it's insecurity, need for control, and above all jealousy.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gifIt's never too early or too late to be aware of potential danger within ourselves.

One of the reasons I tell people to stop contact, is to let the emotional dust settle, and not make your thought, words, and actions, be based on those emotions alone, but on facts, and some clear headed logic. Over the years, this has been a good course of action not just for relationships, but also for life. It gives you a chance to cope with yourself. That's my advice. There is no hurry to get closure, answers, or anything else, but a good healthy perspective, of what lay before you. That will allow you to make a good decision for yourself, and not be confused about what to do.