I think you most definitely should leave some quality time for your friends, not to mention yourself. I know where you're coming from. I used to be that guy... I spent every dinner with my girlfriend, spent every weekend with her, etc. When our relationship ended, I realized I shut off most of my friends, and I didn't do ANYTHING I enjoyed for the past 3.5 years.

Don't be that guy. Be there for your girl if you can. If you can't, she's a big girl... she can handle herself. Go hang out with your buddies once or twice a week, and leave time for yourself two to three times a week. Even if it's not going somewhere, but maybe going to the gym... sitting around at home watching a show you like, maybe even just sitting in your room listening to music... we all need our own time; I realized this really late, and just now realizing how important that truly is.

I have tried to tell her to go to the police, and I have tried to convince her counseling coud help.

I don't know what else I can do though.

I think that is all I can do. I could report it, but it isn't really my story to tell. I think that would be a MAJOR invasion of her personal life. All I can do is give her my opinion, and try to convince her to do the right thing.

Thanks, for helping me realize that now. I am only 16, and I'm sure I will have many more relationships in the future. I think if I follow your advice (to give time to myself, buds, etc.) that my future relationships will be much more enjoyable.

If I'm lucky, I can find a girl with common interests. That way we can do things together that WE enjoy. Of course, I'll still leave time for me and friends.

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

I guess ultimatly, as long as I am happy, I am not 'whipped'.

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Perfect.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

Welcome dear.


The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

---

Hey, JR... this is exactly what it all boils down to for all of us. We experience, assess, accept and go on. Nobody carries a crystal ball - we can set goals and make plans, but there are not guarantees - not for any of us.

So, go out there and be human, don't analyze everything right from the start, and stay optimistic.

I think it's good that even though she let you down in many ways, that you will be her friend and maybe you might even help her change her flighty ways.. as a friend.

Stay with us dear, and keep us posted. Until then, continue with your life and have some fun too.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Maybe you should sit down and talk to her, tell her that you love her and would never do anything like that to her and just explain that to her.
She should probably see someone about this, because its really hard and confusing

I wish I could sit down and talk to her right now. I needed to give her some time to herself first. She is now on a 4 week vacation in British Columbia, and won't be back until mid-August. I will hopefully be able to sit down and talk to her. The 4 weeks will be plenty of time for both of us to think about things ourselves. We can finally talk when she gets back from BC.

Thanks for the advice, Katie609.
But I would like your opinion (and others opinion) on one other thing;
I want her back. BUT, I don't want to pressure or guilt her into coming back to me when she isn't comfortable with it. I know you can't 'convince' someone to love you, but can I convince them to trust me, and convince them that we can get through it together?

When we sit down to talk, should I focus on getting her help? Or on getting us back together? Or both? Right now, I think her getting help is definitely of a higher priority, but I would also like to make a part of the conversation about us getting back together. I am pretty sure I can balance the conversation out.

But, can I convince her to trust me? Can I convince her that we can get through this together? Or should I just give her space, and not even ask? She also said that one of the reasons she broke up with me was because she can't do anything 'physcial' voluntarily for a long time. I don't need to do anything physical though. I love her for her, not for her body or anything like that. Do I tell her this? And ask if she wants to get back together and deal with what happened together?

You need to realize, that its not you. It's the fact that she got molested.. well I'm sure you know that
But anyway, she most likely isn't going to want to talk about it because she's really confused and lost right now even if it has been a few weeks, so I think you should focus on one thing at a time , maybe not necessarly getting her back or getting her help yet, but try to comfort her . Send her cute little texts or maybe just smile at her from across the room. You deffinitly don't want to ask her to get back together yet, its too soon. But once she starts to get comfortable around you again then sit down with her and tell her that you can get through it together and that you don't need anything physical right now and all that. If she's still not comfortable with you, focus on getting her help..

There's nothing wrong with being "whipped" if your relationship is a mutually beneficial one. There are SO many kinds of people, a guy dating a "needy" girl may need to be a leadership type, a guy dating a controlling girl may need to be "whipped" to be happy together.

Dating is about finding someone you're compatible with in a way that makes sense. Most of your relationships will end because this is simply not true. Have fun in the meantime until it becomes evident you can't be happy being "whipped" by the girl you're dating.

My wife of 23 years is VERY independent. In many parts of our life together I would describe myself as "whipped" to her control, and she would disagree, hehe. In other ways, I take the lead.

It's all about balance. Happiness isn't about the girl you're with, it about how you feel about YOURSELF and the life you're leading, including how you are with the girl. It's about you. Being whipped is fine if everything is working well.

Thank you

You need to find this guy and either:

A: beat the crap out of him.
B: get the police and get him out of the streets

For the girlfriend, motivate her and help her out.

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex girlfriend as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by smokedetector

hjpan

While the ideal situation is the guy goes to jail, it may cause more harm than good for the OP to take that into his own hands. That is completely up to the ex girlfriend to do, especially since without her testimony or rape kit, etc, the guy would be hard to convict. It could cause resentment with the ex gf as well. I don't suggest it without her permission.

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The OP needs to convince her enough that life isn't joyful. But putting some dipsh*t behind bars for a crime committed is best.

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyway, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

hjpan,
Believe me, I already asked who. If I got my hands on this guy, he wouldn't be able to walk away. She doesn't even know who did it. And, she probably wouldn't want me to anyway, she is way too forgiving to want to do something like that to someone. She also doesn't want to testify against him, so SD is right, as he will be hard to convict even if the police do get him.

- The police aren't an option to her right now. As much as anyone can tell her, she isn't going to the police.
- Chances are, I won't find this guy. So no vigilante justice. But if I do...

I really don't believe scum like him should even be on this earth. He is just a waste of life. To prey and force themselves on a defensless girl is disgusting. I don't understand how anyone can do that. But anyways, I can only really ask how I can help her emotionally, and how I can help her get through this. No outside help (which I am still trying to convince her to change that).

Thanks for the advice guys

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Rebuild her through outside activities...
Go out together.. eat, watch movies, shop...

Yeah,
Thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

Yeah,
thanks, I will do that.

The only justice that is attainable right now is to help her get better, like it never happened. So as long as she comes out of this okay...

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At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

It's depressing and stressful, but I realize encouragement and helping others rebuild themselves is a way to help.

But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hjpan

At least you're not going to be rebuilding people with permanent damage..

I'll be working in the medical field where people either lost their arm, leg, muscle tendon etc.

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Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hjpan

But... I laugh at myself cause I got three disagrees because my posts were 'too harsh' or 'too mean'... *sigh*
People can't take criticism =/~

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Lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

Good Luck. :) You're doing good work.



lol. I know exactly what you mean. People never like to hear it like it is. It needs to be sugar coated. I think criticism is the best form of advice, you can apply it very easily. I have been criticized several times on this site, and although it can be tough to hear, it always helps.

Thanks for the advice

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Not at all :D

Hey everybody,

I am recently out of an relationship, and I was watching a few movies to distract myself.

One of my choices: "The Secret." It explained how to have a dream life, (inlcuding a relationship). They say basically to only think of the positive, and be grateful for what you have, and to forget and NOT EVEN THINK about the cons or downsides to your partner/ relationship. If you forget about the bad parts of the relationship, they will go away.

I just wondered, has anyone here has seen this movie? If yes, do you think it actually works? I am willing to give it a try! But have any of you tried, and did it work? And do you agree with the principle of only focusing on the positive?

I am a total optimist.

My wife is a total pessimist.

We tend to have issues because of this at times.

I see myself as the happier of the two of us and I attribute that to my positive attitude.

If you go around all the time expecting the worst, I believe that is what you will get.

I think I would agree with the premise, but I don't know how possible it is to over look some problems, and just expect if you don't pay any attention to them, they will just go away.

Some relationship issues may be beyond that philosophy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

If you forget about the bad parts of the relationship, they will go away.

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I don't agree with that. If something is wrong in your relationship and you don't address it, it will just go away? Is that what the message is?

I think it's unclear what you mean. But I've never seen the movie.

--Cali

I have read the book.

I think it´s important to be positive and have a positive attitude, but I don´t believe in total positivity. I have been to disaster zones and I do not believe the victims brought it on themselves, as implied in The Secret.

I believe negative things should be worked on. We cannot go through life without negativity coming our way, so I think it´s important to be able to look at adversity as a gift, because it can help us grow.

Basically, I believe in positive thinking, looking at negativity as a gift and hard work. I don´t believe sitting and thinking can amount too much and make things happen all the time, but it´s good to concentrate on a dream, then find ways to make it happen.

Violet

Pessimism bring balance to everyone in my opinion. Should negativity be something to expect or dwell on? By all means I would hope not.

I say, stay positive, stay happy. Bad things happen for a reason, and it's not what happened that's important, it's how you deal with it, and go to fix the situation that is important.

Negativity helps us better ourselves, just as positivity does too.

You can't just forget the bad it is still there it still happened and usually for a reason.
Like you breaking up with him if you forget what he did and he persuaded you to get back with him you would be repeating the problem. You can forgive and work things out but forgetting is not exactly good because you have to learn the lesson.

Saw the movie, laughed OUT LOUD several times through it, hopefully didn't bother too many people in the theater.

Thinking positively is one thing, that movie was over the top... good for fantasy, though.

Yeah, I think a hybrid of what the movie says to do is perfect.
Think positive, but how can you NOT acknowledge the negative sometimes? I agree with the idea to be grateful, and appreciate your spouse. But not with much else.

My favourite part is where the guy says he imagines a perfect location for an open parking spot in a busy lot. He imagines it, and finds one "95% of the time." LOL! If only that acually did work...

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just ridiculous.

But, I think I will try some of the strategies suggested, and give it a shot. BUT, I'm not just going to forget everything bad, that could just screw up my life. For example, my ex-girlfriend, who was just recently sexualy molested, am I just supposed to pretend it never happened? Imagine it never happened, and it will make it true? HA!

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Violet31

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

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Wow, that is an amazing story. Glad you made it out okay.
And yeah, saying that people bring this on themselves? C'mon. Negative thinking is bad, and sure, it attracts more negativity, but it won't attract terrorist attacks, or hurricanes, or anything like that. Some of this movie really is just fantasy and ridiculous, and laughable.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Violet31

Another thing I don't like about this movie: That disaster victims bring the disaster upon themselves. What bulls**t, lol. That was just rediculous.

It is such an insult to the victim of disasters and wars - not to mention victims of terrorist attacks. I survived one of those in London when IRA was active and it was not because of my negative thinking. Busy areas in London were target areas for the IRA in those days and I happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. I was very lucky, unlike some other people who were with me that day.

Same goes for the victims of 9/11. Stating this in the book is an insult to their memory.

Peace, Violet

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OH how I agree with you 100% When my life was a mess everybody kept telling me I was bringing it on myself and I had to think positive. They said make better choices, like I had any real choice that was good! My choices were do you want to wait and take your chances with this or should you get out of a bad rental situation and hope something better comes along before you end up homeless? Others choices were do I want to buy a house in the city or the suburbs.

Thinking positive often only makes you feel the gap worse and makes you feel more hopeless. Sometimes there are no good choices as an option and you have to make due and survive.

That is so true, NoHelp4U.

Bad things happen and have done so through the ages. I don´t understand why everything should be down to us. Sometimes we do have very few options, but the good thing is that there can be a great spiritual growth from adversity.

I also think The Secret promotes passiveness and laziness. I believe in working for my dreams and earning them. That is half the fun! Not sitting back and simply wishing for them to happen.

Jrsg, thanks for your comment. I´m also glad I made it OK, but that day will be stamped on my mind forever. I still get nervous taking a train in London. On the positive side ;) it made me value my life much more and it made me want to do something good with my life, because I will always think of the people who lost their lives that day. Somehow I feel their memory deserves it.

Violet

She is not handling it at all. She is meerely hiding it from her mind. If she was OK with it or even remotely getting over it, she would almost definitely have to talk to someone. If she doesn't trust anyone then she is not handling it. You need to talk to her. Or someone needs to talk to her. She should tell the police, hiding it is only making it worse because then this creep gets to go free and your girlfriend is hurt, again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by godsbabygirl267

She is not handling it at all. She is meerely hiding it from her mind. If she was ok with it or even remotely getting over it, she would almost definately have to talk to someone. If she doesnt trust anyone then she is not handling it. You need to talk to her. Or someone needs to talk to her. She should tell the police, hiding it is only making it worse because then this creep gets to go free and your girlfriend is hurt, again.

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She needs to rebuild herself first with the help of the boyfriend and then get this guy in prison...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hjpan

and then get this guy in prison...

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She needs to do that asap not after she rebuilds anything. Quick timing is valuable and essential when it comes to rape.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

she needs to do that asap not after she rebuilds anything. Quick timing is valuable and essential when it comes to rape.

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How would she be able to confront anything if she's too scared =/

If she is scared she needs to go to rape counseling.
She needs to at least make out a report for now.
If she waits too long she sounds like an unreliable person and isn't as easily believed.

Hey everybody!
Just wanted to thank you again.

I am doing well, although a little confused. In the past couple weeks, I have gone from saying "good riddance, I don't need her anyway" to "I want her back". Then I go back and forth and back and forth. So, I am on a hybrid of that right now, thinking I could talk to her and just see where things go when we talk.

I have a week to think about it, IN CUBA! I am going on a resort vacation with the family to Cuba for a week, leaving Saturday morning. If there is a better place to think and to just have a clear mind, show me. I doubt you could find one. This vacation, I can take my mind off things at home, and also think about them, in peace and quiet. Can't wait to go! (31 hours and counting)!

Just a little update, and I wanted to let you know that I am happy and extremely content with life right now, and that it is partly because of everybody who helped me here. Thanks again guys, and I'll talk to you when I get back from Cuba!

Hey!
I got back from Cuba after a great, amazing, mind-clearing week. If there is anything better than a week in Cuba to get over a past relationship, show me, but I doubt one exsists.

I am finally over my last girlfriend (not 100%, but still a good 70%) and I think I am ready for another relationship. I think I will probably wait until school starts to look for a girlfriend. I don't just want to attempt to "pick up" some random girl on the street, and build a relationship based on appearances. Once I get back to school, I will be even further over my ex and I can build a healthy relationship with a girl more suitable with me. I just hope the next relationship won't be so turbulent...

I have learned so much from this relationship though, and I can't wait to apply what I have learned in another relationship. And thanks again to everyone here for all the help. I think I am FINALLY over with all of this. It has been quite the summer for me :).

Now that your 70% over your last relationship, why would you wan't another one? Take some time to heal in your hometown, not CUBA. Vacations are awesome, but sadly... distractions.

I am finally over this girl that I have been basically obsessing over for the past 2 months.
And I think I am more than 70%, I underestimated that. I am 90% if not a full 100%already.

Why would I want another relationship?
Because I like to be in love. I want to have somebody to talk to about whatever, and to help and support, and to make feel good. I want a girlfriend. Makes my life so much happier.

And I think healing in Cuba was just as good as at home. The only difference was that the thinking was done on a sunny beach, and not in a Toronto suburban house bedroom. I was able to stand back, and look at the situation I had with my ex, and ask myself, "is this really what I want?" I wasn't able to do that at home, so maybe Cuba was even better than home.

I do agree with you when you say Cuba was a distraction. YES IT WAS! THAT WAS THE POINT! I am trying to forget about how much I like this girl, and that isn't going to just happen. When I sit at home, and think about how much I miss her, or when I look at the couch we would always sat on I get really depressed (I don't do that anymore, lol, after Cuba). But, in Cuba, I have plenty of things to distract me and help me forget. When I beak up, I need (and I think everyone needs) DISTRACTIONS!

But thanks for the reply