Ask Me Help Desk - Will he ever want to?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

What is it about your relationship with this boy that makes you feel good, Beth?

I would appreciate and answer to my question, Beth. Thank you.

Yeah... you shouldn't snoop like that. That's kind of messed up. My ex broke up with me, and then she started getting mad at me about something that was on my email acct. which was weird... because it was a huge misunderstanding. But it pushed me away from her further and it made me change my password...

Quote:

Originally Posted by beth911

What about how he treats me? He thinkd I don't do anything for him but I did alot.

Stop making it all about you and how you suffer and how noble you are. That kind of person is called a martyr.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Stop making it all about you and how you suffer and how noble you are. That kind of person is called a martyr.

Thought martyrs were people who died for a cause, on top of those things... but mainly for a cause. In this case, she's not exactly doing this for a cause... cant' call her a martyr. Just... a really sad lady... who doesn't know what to do at this point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

thought martyrs were people who died for a cause, on top of those things...but mainly for a cause. in this case, she's not exactly doing this for a cause...cant' call her a martyr. just...a really sad lady....who doesn't know what to do at this point.

Yeah, she's dying for a cause--her cause. In psychology, a person who has a martyr complex desires the feeling of being a martyr for its own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it feeds a psychological need. "Oh, Sneezy, after all I've done for you. I've been such a good mother and you treat me like THIS?" That's a martyr.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

I would appreciate and answer to my question, Beth. Thank you.

No one has ever cared about me before. Iv'e never even had friends that cared,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough
What is it about your relationship with this boy that makes you feel good, Beth?

Originally Posted by Clough
I would appreciate and answer to my question, Beth. Thank you.

Originally Posted by beth911
No one has ever cared about me before. Iv'e never even had friends that cared.

Thank you for the answer to my question. So, how is he caring for you now?

He did before and now yeah... I'm 2 tired 2 think

Clough asked, "HOW did he care?" Any examples?

Later, I'll answer that.. Right now, he e-mailed me saying that he was looking for the perfect girl and he knows he'll never find her but he's still going to wait... I told him "yeah you never will find her because you just let her go"
But how could he have loved me and now not care anymore when I didn't do anything?

Then I just told him that's he's not perfect either and she wouldn't deserve someone who isn't.
He used to say if I just lost a few pounds I would be perfect and that he would never leave unless I cheated on him. I didn't cheat on him.

He was a lot like how I am to him and then he changed slowly.
He e-mailed me back and said "I am so perfect. How am I not?''

By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!! (He didn't say that part. I'm telling that to you)

He said that he showed that girl he's always talking to his "u no what" . Do you think he's just trying to upset me? I told him that I didn't care and there's no reason why he should be telling me that.

In one sentence you are saying how much you love each other and then in the next sentence you are saying he acts like he doesn't know me. If he really wants to be with you he wouldn't be so evasive and making excuses. Often when teens don't want to be with their gf/bf they don't want to have a scene or 'break up' so they just avoid because it seems to them to be the easy out.
Also at your age what many teens want one day is totally different another.

I'm confused by what he's saying... its like he's kind of talking to me but then every now in then he brings up that he doesn't want to talk to me and we aren't together anymore. He keeps talking about how he wants to go to strip clubs and stuff... do you think its just to make me mad?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Beth, J doesn't want a needy gf. That's what you are. Stop. Right now. Stop.

Now, think about it. What can you do to act NOT needy around him?

I already said that she was extremely needy. It's like she can't stand on her two front feet. :rolleyes:
Look teenage boys are really thinking of one thing and it's NOT "love."

Your b/f is just like you, young and confused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beth911

im confused by what hes saying.... its like hes kinda talkin to me but then every now in then he brings up that he doesnt wanna talk to me and we arent together anymore. he keeps talkin about how he wants to go to strip clubs and stuff..... do u think its just to make me mad?

You are confused because you want to make things to fit the results you want and
Not accepting the explanations of his behavior that we have all given you.

He may want to simply be on decent talking terms with you but realizing that you are in denial that it is over he is saying stuff like wanting to go to strip clubs and so forth to make you accept he isn't the guy you think he is and think you love. Whether he actually wants to go to them or not is beside the point.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

You are confused because you want to make things to fit the results you want and
not accepting the explanations of his behavior that we have all given you.

He may want to simply be on decent talking terms with you but realizing that you are in denial that it is over he is saying stuff like wanting to go to strip clubs and so forth to make you accept he isn't the guy you think he is and think you love. Whether he actually wants to go to them or not is beside the point.

Beth, get over him, because to me he sounds like a JERK. He keeps you hanging, enjoying all your attention while he secretly laughs at you. Look almost all woman went through what your going through. Trust me, this feeling you have will pass. Your are just obsessing over one fish in the sea. Not everyone is meant to be together. I was friends with my partner before we started going out. You think your "in love" but really your just hurting that this guy blew you off. I don't blame you, because he sounds like a JERK. Be friends with the next guy before lovers!

See eveyone tells me they've been through this and that I'll get over it... every time I think I'm going to be fine with out him I make sure I won't be. And theirs not a thing anyone can do to change that. That's why I say even if I feel like giving up on being with him I won't give up and I stick with it. I've felt like I would b OK but then I still make sure I don't give up.

We e-mailed each other back and forth for like 3 hrs last night. At least he was willing to talk to me but all he really did was try to make me mad. He kept talking about how he signed up for the airforce and how he's 18 now and he can go to strup clubs and all that other stuff. I'm hopeing he wasn't being serious.

Wondrgirl, if you read this.. Do you think that he was making that up to make me mad? He said that they were going to go somewhere but his dad was tired so they just went to the pancake house instead. He said none of his friends are old enough to go with him. Do you think he's just making up stories again? Or Do you think he's being serious?

Why do you keep posting, if you aren't going to listen to anyone? What are you trying to accomplish. If you are so ready to never give up, he will keep making you mad. Is that what you want??

Did I ask you? f88 no./

I might as well just give up. On life. He only keeps hurting me more and if I don't have him, id kill myself anyway.

He said that he sighned up already. But he kept asking me all these questions. He didn't seem to even know if he needed to graduate high school 1st. He didn't no like anything about it.
I'm just so happy because he said he would pretend to be friends with me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why do you keep posting, if you arent going to listen to anyone?? What are you trying to accomplish. If you are so ready to never give up, he will keep making you mad. Is that what you want?????

I agree with talaniman. Pretend to yourself that this guy secretly "loves". I don't care anymore. Bye

I talked to someone else about it and they said that they think he does still care about me and if he says he's going to pretend to my friend then that means he really wants to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beth911

I need alot of help with everything thats goin on. Theirs alot and its so long of a story that i dont even know where to begin. We have been together for almost 2 years. I wont say the whole story because its way too long but i will tell you bits and peices. Right now, he thinks i want his friend and i dont. so hes kida ignoring me. I only can talk to him at school and thats it. He wrote a note saying that he feels bad about leaving me but he doesnt wanna be hurt anymore. Their is nothing that anyone can say or do to get me to change my mind.... i already know that no matter what and even if i want to i will not give up on trying to keep us together. Even if I Want to give up on it i wont. I just need some help on trying to get him to understand that i really do love him and i dont want anyone else and i dont want him to be hurt but i wanna stay with him forever. I want him to know that I want things between us to be better than they ever were before and us to try to have fun together and get along better and not be misserable together because we both do love each other and we both dont like hurting each other and going throgh this but some how this is how it is............ i tried writing all this to him in a note but he said that one of his friends took it from him and that he never got it back. I told him to try to call me if he can and he said he would but he never did, then again he really isnt aloud to so maybe thats why..... I tried giving him another note and he said "i'l just lose it" so i ended up keeping it and he never read it. I told him to call me then and that was yesterday. So far he hasnt called. he said he would try though. And when i try to talk to him, he acts like he doesnt know me. I think that since he hasnt read that note he may still think that i want his friend and not him so he may be confused as to why i am talking to him. The day before yesterday, i told him in person that i want him and everything, then we kinda talked for like 10 seconds but then later i went back up to him and he just seemed mad again. This was right before we got out of school that day and then he just kinda walked away from me. The only time he talks to me is when i go up to him and he doesnt really say anything. But he sits next to me in 2 classes and in the 2nd one that we have together, he kept looking at me like he was trying to get my attention and then i kinda looked at him and then looked away and he just said "dont look at me like that"
But i dont know what to do.,. I mean from what i said, do you think if i wait, he will seee im not even talking to his friend and start to come back to me? Should i keep trying to talk or wait a little while before i say more to him? whats the best way to get him to come to me?
And he thinks i want his friend because of something that happened a few weeks ago.... He said he was talking to anoither girl and was going to leave me for her so i lied and said i wanted his friend and then he said he was just joking about her then he said it wasnt a lie and i dont know what to believe their becuase he makes things up sometimes to try to make me mad or see what i would do . but then i noticed him ignoring me so i told him that if he didnt want me to give to his friend because i was mad about eveything he told me about that other girl and when all thart was going on he said he didnt want me anymore so he was going to give to his friend. That all made me mad when i was only thinking about it so i said that to him but only becayse of everything he said to me.

I may have givin u somewhat the wrong idea or not enough info on this because its such along story but i tried to make it short.
but basiccaly i wanna know how i can get him to talk to me

First of all.. I've been there. PLENTY of times. I'll tell you straight up what to do and I know you won't want to hear it because neither did I back then. The best thing to do is to let go of him. You are hanging on to something that you obviously take very seriously and he obviously doesn't. Why would you have such little respect for yourself to let somebody just string you and your feelings along. It's def not because of him thinking you like his friend. That is stricktly just an easy way out. You are young. You will kiss plenty of frogs before you meet your prince. If you keep wasting your time on him sooner or later you're going to wake up and think to yourself what a waste of time. Now seriously, do you really want to be with somebody who doesn't put you FIRST. Where you belong. Im sure you had your good times together. Now I know you don't want to hear any of that.. Now I'll tell you something that is only going to be temporary & I say temporary because usaully when people break up they may get back together a few times after but it's never a long term thing. You broke up for a reason & seriously you shouldn't waste the time on something that just isn't working. Anyway. This is how to temporarily get him back. First of all.. Your new motto is FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT. Pretty much FAKE that you don't care about him FAKE that you're over him. Guys are natural born hunters. They want what they can't have. If it comes easy to them its no longer valuable. You don't see guys pulling over to pick up that road kill on the side of the road. BUT boyyy do they sure go out hunting for the SAME DAMN THING. Hes obviously good at playing mind games... but you are smarter than that. Don't let it get to you. When you feel him looking at you Don't look at him. Don't write him any notes. Don't talk to people at school about him because it WILL get back to him. Don't try to make him jealous either because it will prob backfire. Just act like you have your own life to worry about now. If & when he approaches you.. ALWAYS have someplace to go or some excuse that YOU can't talk now. Start putting him off. It will take a few weeks but it is worth the time because you will get him going nuts for you. Just don't give in too quickly. Always be busy. Fake it till you make it. Just don't give in. sometimes we have to play to get the things we want in life ;)

First of all.. I've been there. PLENTY of times. I'll tell you straight up what to do and I know you won't want to hear it because neither did I back then. The best thing to do is to let go of him. You are hanging on to something that you obviously take very seriously and he obviously doesn't. Why would you have such little respect for yourself to let somebody just string you and your feelings along. It's def not because of him thinking you like his friend. That is stricktly just an easy way out. You are young. You will kiss plenty of frogs before you meet your prince. If you keep wasting your time on him sooner or later you're going to wake up and think to yourself what a waste of time. Now seriously, do you really want to be with somebody who doesn't put you FIRST. Where you belong. Im sure you had your good times together. Now I know you don't want to hear any of that.. Now I'll tell you something that is only going to be temporary & I say temporary because usaully when people break up they may get back together a few times after but it's never a long term thing. You broke up for a reason & seriously you shouldn't waste the time on something that just isn't working. Anyway. This is how to temporarily get him back. First of all.. Your new motto is FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT. Pretty much FAKE that you don't care about him FAKE that you're over him. Guys are natural born hunters. They want what they can't have. If it comes easy to them its no longer valuable. You don't see guys pulling over to pick up that road kill on the side of the road. BUT boyyy do they sure go out hunting for the SAME DAMN THING. Hes obviously good at playing mind games... but you are smarter than that. Don't let it get to you. When you feel him looking at you Don't look at him. Don't write him any notes. Don't talk to people at school about him because it WILL get back to him. Don't try to make him jealous either because it will prob backfire. Just act like you have your own life to worry about now. If & when he approaches you.. ALWAYS have someplace to go or some excuse that YOU can't talk now. Start putting him off. It will take a few weeks but it is worth the time because you will get him going nuts for you. Just don't give in too quickly. Always be busy. Fake it till you make it. Just don't give in. sometimes we have to play to get the things we want in life ;)

Ive already realized it's a waste of time... but I promised even if [B]I[B] wanted to, I would never give him up for anything.

Kmt, you make a lot of sense and I think you probably helped me more than anyone else has.

I need someone to tell me if it was good that I said this to him. I said "I kinda lost all my feelings and I have a life of my own to go live. See ya"
Later I went back and read it and I almost thought it was something that he sent me.
Truth is, I still love him and everything but its just like I'm numb or something. I can't really feel sad or happy or anything.

OK
No more talking to him
You're done
If he calls
Don't answer
If he looks at u
Don't look
Nothing
No contact
He will miss you and go crazy
Just don't give in right away
He won't believe you and it won't be a chase if you give in right away
Stand your ground
But don't tell him what you're up to
It will drive him nuts wondering
Don't tell anyone

If he e-mails me should I just not send anything back? Its hard not to.
What if he doesn't care and after a while gives up? I can't see him ever showing he cares about me because I can tell even though he won't admit it that he's afraid to show that he cares.
And now, I don't even feel like a person anymore or like I have a life or like anything. I feel like I'm just in some other place I can't get out of. I kind of feel like I'm not really here and this isn't really happening. Its like being in a dream and you can't wake up.

How do I know how to talk to him again and when, how do I do all that? Like in a few days you say if he tries talking to me to ignore him. And to keep it up for a few weeks... Is a few weeks enough though? And when I do talk to him again, how do I do it?

god, I know the feeling. I'm 21 y/o. I just came out of a similar situation. Im pregnant by this 27 y/o dead beat. Anyway. I learned a lot from that relationship. He played so many sick games with me it was pathetic that I put up with it for so long. I played games back. It was pretty much trial & error. & I learned what worked & what didn't work. Basically just make him think he lost you. There is no challenge in answering to his every call/email/note. Eventually, in my situation, I was completely fed up of taking his crap. I was so lucky to meet an amazing guy who didn't care that I was pregnant. Who wanted to be with me for me. Him and I are still together & 1 month into the relationship we got an apartment together. Looking back, I rem how I used to feel like I COULD NOT BREATH. I was going absolutely crazy without that jerk. It's a really long story. Anyway... what really did work was me not calling him anymore. Me not making him the center of the universe. He called and called and called. I would pick up once in a while to see what he wanted. He went from asking me to come over so he could cook me dinner. (of course I said no) To asking me to MARRY him. Haha. It was a good laugh because things were finally turned around. It started as little calls here and there. Then he would see I wouldn't answer.. then it would turn into calling my parents house, then myspacein me (mind u, he never had a myspace before), he msgd my new boyfriend. Actually all that made me get over him. He actually pushed me away. It made me realize that I really don't want him anyway. It was the CHASE that made me into him. Not him. He was a jerk. I know for a fact that If I want him now I can have him. Obviously not communicating does work. And the longer u put him off the harder her will try. Haha & the more pathetic he will become. Trust me. This isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. Answer me this. Why is it that it always seems like guys you like aren't interested... but guys you want nothing to do with would bend over backwards for you? All about the chase girl. It's easy when you figure it out. By the way... books for u to get. Why men love es. Then another one by the same arthor. Why men marry es. Read them. Stick to them. It works like magic. Hah (and if things don't work out for u with this guy KEEP your freaking options open & start NOW. I snagged myself a new fine piece... and I didn't even really want him at first. I just hung out with him to pass the time... & eventually it clicked in my head that this new guy is great!! & he prob wanted me so bad because I wasn't giving him my world either... (secrectly I was tryyyyin the give it to the x.. utnil that realization came along) Then I had the both of them in the palm of my hand. Don't be dumb. Lol Date smart. Those who feel live a life of tradegy & those who think live a life of comedy.

Those books.. the "es".. yeah. I guess they editied it. It's the "b" word.

"why men love *B*es"

The way, he is I just can't see him doing that. Hes NEVER came to me. Even when we started going out. He tried finding reasons to talk to me but he could never just say he wanted to be with me or talk to me. He always says something to start a conversation or asks random questions. Stuff like that. And he never liked holding hands or anything. He says its how he was raised

So, do you think he still will?
He e-mailed me after the last e-mail and he just said "ok bye" and I haven't e-mailed him back and I don't plan on it

And beth, you know that's true -- it's how he was raised. His parents never showed him physically, with actions, how much they loved him. They have never used words either. In fact, he's not real sure anyone loves him. In fact again, he's not real sure he even likes himself. So how can you expect him to be a great lover and emotionally expressive boyfriend when he has never been treated that way himself?

Believe me.. I've been there. I know how it feels. It will be hard as heck to not answer but that's the best way to go. He's not going to give up. He will try harder. Knowing that you will always be there.. he will take that for granted. Show him that you won't always be there. & in showing him I mean... don't be there. He won't give up. He will try harder to get you. It's a challenge. A hunt. Don't be some roadkill.lol. Keep yourself busy in the meantime. Forrrrrce yourself out w/friends. The longer you wait until you give into him the more he is going to want u. Diamonds & pearls are more valuable than rocks right? Why? Because they're harder to get. And people never give up on wanting diamonds right? They could give a sh!t less for the rocks because they could have them whenever. He's more likely to give up on you when you're alllllllllways there and available to him.

... read this... I have it posted in my blog. It makes a lot of sense. Thought you might like it.

If a Man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow you intution or spirit to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find out what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you DESERVE,
Then Hell no you Can't be FRIENDS.

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The Only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he try anything different with you?

Make boundaries in how a guy treats you
.
If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.

Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-God.

He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.

Never let a man Define WHO you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT Dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...
Compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cool about baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...

A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for

Someone complimentary not suppllementary.

Dating is fun...
Even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.