Ask Me Help Desk - What's the best way to tell my mom I'm pregnant

While I completely agree with you Synnen, 100%, I do have to be the devil's advocate.

If the OP doesn't choose adoption, and chooses to keep this baby, let's give her some tips on how to achieve being a mother at 13, kicked out of her house (according to her and her relationship with her mother), when there's really no way at all for her to do this.

I agree that we're here to talk, we're here to help. I do care about this child, and her unborn baby. But I'm being realistic.

My son is 16, he is now old enough to get a crap job for minimum wage at starter businesses (we're talking retail, fast food etc.) in our area. Even if he worked full time 40 hours a week, he wouldn't have enough to pay rent on a crappy apartment. Food, a car, insurance, clothing, etc. etc, not an option with that pay. That's without a baby!

So let's be real here. The OP is 13. McDonald's in my town hires at 13. They're the only ones. They don't hire full time for that age, because 13 year olds are still in school, and have to be in school until they're 17 (that's when they're legally old enough to drop out where I live). At 17, they're eligible for the same crap minimum wage jobs my son can get. Not enough to live on. Not even close!

Now, I realize that the OP likely doesn't live in Canada. So let's assume that she's in the US (the minimum wage in Canada is over $10/hr, it's much much less in the US). Where can she find work that will pay enough so she can not only get an apartment (she's 13, and legally can't sign a lease, unless that law doesn't matter where she lives ) but afford that apartment, medical costs, baby formula, a crib, diapers, clothing, the hospital costs (if she's in the US can be $12,000 plus), stroller, food, insurance, etc. etc. etc. and everything else when it comes to the cost of having a baby.

So ya, I'm willing to talk about this, I'm more than willing. But I have to say, I have yet to see an 18 year old (a legal adult) that didn't struggle with being a single parent. How is a 13 year old, someone that can't even get a job, can't sign a lease for an apartment, whose mother is kicking her out, going to raise a child?

I'm all for it being the OP's choice. All for it. But I'd like to hear how the OP plans on making her choice a reality. Because it doesn't add up. No way a 13 year old can raise this child unless mommy or daddy do it for her!

I didn't realize how much work and money it would take. I guess my only option is to get an adoption

Not "get" an adoption but put the child up for adoption. I agree with Synnen however. While I think that would be your best option you need to speak with counselors about what would be best for you. I think you will come to the same conclusion, but it will be an informed decision on your part which will make you feel better for it.

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I didn't realize how much work and money it would take

Babies take a lot of work. They don't love you unconditionally. They don't love you, they don't know how. They are up for feedings every 3 hours, diaper changes. What if they are sick?

Costs. Let's get into that.

1) Diapers are at least $20 a pop, and you might need 2 or 3 bags a week. Diaper wipes are expensive too.

2) Formula. Just in case you can't breastfeed, formula can be a couple hundred dollars a month.

3) Clothes. They can grow out of their clothes monthly or even weekly. Clothes are expensive.

I could go on and on with the expenses. It's really too much for a 13 year old to handle unless your mother has enough money to cover these expenses. The father of the baby is only 14 years old, so he can't get a job to help pay for the baby. It can cost up to, or more than, a quarter of a million dollars to raise a child from birth to the age of 18, and that's not including college. http://money.cnn.com/2014/08/18/pf/child-cost/

In the long run, what we are concerned about right now is your health. At your age there are so many things that can go wrong that could be temporary, or even permanent for both you and the baby.

It's a shame that at 13 tender years of age you are having to make such life altering decisions. But this is what happens when you pretend to be an adult before you are ready to be an adult.

A 13 year old won't make any decisions, the adults will, and the other half of this equations has yet to be told. The father of this child, and his family.

Please post back when you have gone to the doctor's and have had the pregnancy confirmed. All of your decisions will take place after confirmation has been made.

Are you planning on telling the kid who is the dad? He and his family need to know.

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A 13 year old won't make any decisions, the adults will,

Unfortunately, that is incorrect as she is considered an emancipated minor due to her pregnancy. It doesn't matter if she is 3, 13, or 30. When it comes to pregnancy the pregnant person makes the decisions that may affect the pregnancy. A parent cannot force an abortion, nor can they force an adoption.

Now, if she were pregnant and had gallbladder issues, for example, her parents can make the decision as to whether she has surgery as it is unrelated to the pregnancy.

No offense to all of you. I know you are trying to help.

But you're NOT.

All you're doing is scare-mongering (even if it IS fact) and pushing toward adoption. I've been there, and while you guys are trying to help by pointing out the costs, all you're doing is making it less of a choice than an inevitability.

That's not fair to musiclover. At all.

I'm pretty sure everyone understands that babies are hard, they're a lot of money, and that it's next to impossible for a teenager to raise one without a LOT of help. While I know there are stupid people out there, most people DO understand that.

What NO ONE---I don't care if you're 14 or 40--understands until it actually happens is what the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL side of having kids is. I went into adoption with my eyes open, with it being 100% MY choice (I even fought my family on it) and it still has just about destroyed me some days. I've suffered from depression and anxiety---and unexplained infertility--because of it. It's affected how I see myself, and it really affected my relationships with others for a very long time. And this was with NO COERCION. I'm now a mom of a child I desperately wanted, and no matter what people told me about having kids--I didn't GET it until I had one of my own. Toddlers are a$$holes, and I totally didn't understand the kind of self-centeredness that comes with that. I love my son madly, but sometimes I think I lost my mind when I became a parent.

If you guys were a parent or friend or family member telling musiclover all of this, I would accuse you of coercion. While finances should be considered, and ability to parent, and mental and emotional health of the mother--none of these has more weight than any other. Her ability to DEAL with her choice, mentally and emotionally is AS IMPORTANT as her finances. I know you all, so I know that you all have hearts in the right place and that you are trying to help. But continuing to tell her that there's no way she can parent, and that she'll fail, and that she needs to think of how she'll do this--it's probably just stressing her out more, and it's probably not helping her much. She KNOWS all of that stuff, to the extent that she CAN know it.

What would be a lot more helpful right now would be links to resources to help her make her choice---adoption counselors, adoption agencies, someone who can tell her what resources would be available if she chooses to parent, and what legal steps she needs to take with the baby's father, regardless her choice (he has to agree to the adoption too, after all). THOSE things would be helpful. Telling her that she's too young to parent and that she has no resources is just --well, in a way it's bullying her into adoption. If she doesn't choose it herself, knowing her own heart and reasons, she's more likely to have issues with depression, anger, hurt, and self-hurt, up to and including suicide. And with her resources, she's not going to have a weekly session with a therapist to help her deal with her feelings, now is she?

Please, back off on pushing her into adoption and give her resources if you want to help.

PS--it's not "getting an adoption" and it's not "giving the baby up" or "putting the child up" for adoption. It's called "placing the child for adoption". You are PLACING the child into the arms of parents that will love him/her. In many cases, you're choosing those parents yourself. Making an adoption placement is a more apt and loving term than just "putting up", "getting" or "giving up".

PPS--Musiclover--if there is a Planned Parenthood near you, they will have access to a LOT of resources for you, and there will be someone there who will LISTEN to you, and help you decide what you want to do. Please seek them out--they aren't just for abortions and birth control, they're for planning families. They are not an adoption service, but there is generally someone on staff that knows how to talk to you about your choices in a non-judgmental way.

Synnen said

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Her ability to DEAL with her choice, mentally and emotionally is AS IMPORTANT as her finances.

I totally agree with this. My problem is, just as I don't believe she can cope with the financial responsibility, I don't believe she will be able to cope with the mental and emotional challenges of raising the child as a 13 yr old. But I don't know that for a fact, so I wholeheartedly endorse seeking counseling.

But there is another aspect I'm also considering. I'm thinking of the child. I suspect, from the mother's reaction, that her mother resents her daughter. And that resentment has worked to produce another pregnant teen. I would rather see that child raised in a loving home that can afford to give the child the care it deserves. Care I don't feel the OP can give. The child certainly shouldn't be in a home where it will be resented.

Synnen, I hear you and I understand you. This is coming from a wife of a man who has been adopted. All but one of his siblings are adoptees.

If you read back, the OP has lived a life of abuse in one form or another. Her mother was a teen mom. And the cycle continues. If the OP can't afford the child in question, can her mother?

Yes, it is a matter of finances. Adoption is hard, there is no doubt about the fact that it is the hardest choice a woman can make, and it is usually made of love and respect for the child. At 15 my SIL placed a child for adoption. That child would now be 25. She doesn't regret the choice she made because that child now has a life my SIL couldn't provide.

I have a 13 year old. I know that he could not provide for a child and, at the age of 50 myself, I would be resentful should I have to raise the child. There are more things at play here than whether the OP can raise the baby. Can the mother handle it physically, mentally or financially? Because, it will be her mother who raises this baby.

I understand what all of you are saying. I DO.

I just know that if she doesn't make the decision ON HER OWN, then she WILL regret it--she won't have ownership of the decision and can blame others for pushing her into it. I don't regret choosing adoption, regardless how hard it was, both at the time and the lasting effects.

She does have to consider how she will take care of the baby. She has to consider her home life, and how much help she'll get from the father. She has to consider how she will finish school, and how she will get ahead in life, and how it will affect her family and affect the baby's father's family. She has to consider how she'll find and afford child care while she goes to school. She has to consider clothing, diapers, midnight feedings and how horribly expensive formula can be.

She also has to consider missing her first child's first words, first time crawling, and first smile. She has to consider that she'll be busy studying for her SATs at the same time her first child is entering kindergarten. She has to consider HOW HARD it is to hear your child call someone else "mama". She has to consider missing the first tooth, and the first Christmas, and the first time her child screeches with laughter.

I'm sorry--but the emotional anguish of those things equals the heartache of wishing you could give your child a better life. And if you don't make the choice yourself, knowing ALL of your options, and considering ALL of the consequences, then you become one of the women that regrets, bitterly, whatever choice you do make.

I'm not trying to push her into parenting. I'm trying to point out that she NEEDS to see ALL of her options, and weigh them herself, before making her choice.

I agree with what you are trying to say. There is no doubt about it that she needs to make the choice. However, at 13, she is not capable of truly understanding the depths of the decisions she makes now. Heck, she made a thread asking about baby names and that is the least of her worries right now.

At 13 a baby is cute and cuddly and provides unconditional love. She needs to see the reality. The reality is that pregnancy can put her at risk for a high number of illnesses, some temporary, others permanent. She says that she is abused now, and that is what she learned is the norm. Should this baby be placed at risk for abuse?

You were 17, she is 13. There is a vast difference in maturity in those short 4 years. I speak from experience and have a 13 year old at home, as well as a 20 year old. This child is in no way prepared to raise a child as she is just a child herself. She won't be raising it, her mother will.

You are right Synnen, so many complex issues requires full resources to the right professionals, and help, probably for both the teen, and her mom.

Health Centers - North Carolina - Planned Parenthood

And as Doula C. suggested already, "Pregnancy Resource Center, it is right in your town".

(A caveat regarding the right to keep a baby, there are babies taken from their mothers every year, usually because of blood tests showing drug use. But also mental illness, especially when it involves risky behavior. Also she is not automatically emancipated because she has a child, and in NC, can't even leave her mother's home without permission of the court.)

I think we are talking to our 13 year old much too soon, or at least in too much detail. She has enough to deal with right now. My aim is to keep her here for at least a good while longer, and not barrage her too much.

She has already been 'barraged' too much. I think she should be left to contemplate and not be bombarded with more urges to see a doctor, etc. I think she already has the idea.

Where to start?

Synnen, I totally agree with you. I've never given a baby up for adoption. I did lose a baby to a miscarriage, and to this day I'm suffering because of it. I can only imagine how much worse it would be had the baby lived and I weren't allowed (for some reason) to be its mother. Then again, I was in my 30's at that time, and completely prepared to have another child (that baby would have been my 3rd).

The thing is, this child is 13. She's a child. I have 12 year old and a 16 year old. Neither one of them are equipped to decide which courses to take at school, much less deciding what they should do with an unplanned pregnancy.

At 13 the idea of being a mother is very much like having a living doll. What a 13 year old doesn't, and can't, understand, is how hard it is. They have no experience to base this on. They can't think of everything that is needed to be a parent. It's not because they're not smart enough, it's that they're too young. They don't have the life experience, or the knowledge, to really know what being a parent entails. To them being a parent means grounding someone, or taking their phone away, maybe driving the kid to school. The rest just gets dealt with without them realizing how. A baby is the most selfish creature on earth. It requires 24/7 care. It's not like a doll. You can't just put it away when you don't want to play anymore.

I don't want to barrage this child either, I really don't. But let's be realistic here. If she's already over 3 months along, closer to 4, then she has 5 more months to decide what to do with this pregnancy. That may seem like a lifetime to a child, but it's nothing! Whatever this child plans to do, she needs to start figuring it out soon, very soon. If she's going to keep this baby she has to (according to her and the fact that her mother will kick her out) find a place to live, find a way to get all the supplies she needs for the baby, find a way to be able to provide for this baby, all in 5 months. Babies aren't cheap, and they're not easy either. She needs to know what she needs for this baby, how much things will cost. Add to that a 13 year old mother that legally can't work, and is on her own, well, she needs to consider that. It's hard because she's 13, but sugar coating things isn't going to help her. She has 5 months!

If she does choose adoption, she also needs to deal with that. Counseling is definitely a must, she also, no matter what she chooses, need prenatal care. No matter what, unless she miscarries, this baby is coming. Abortion is off the table based on how far along the OP says she is. So it's adoption, or keep the baby. Those are the options that are left, and just because she's 13, doesn't mean she can ignore what's going on. She has to start making decisions, even though she's really not equipped, at her age, to do so.

Bottom line, I get that this is emotional, and I feel horrible that a child this young is in this position. Having said that, she has no idea how much it's going to cost to raise a baby, she has no idea where she's going to live if she keeps this baby, she doesn't know that she needs prenatal care. Someone has to tell her these things, she needs to know them! Obviously her mother isn't stepping up to the plate, so someone has to.

She's 13! Everyone needs to keep that in mind, because like it or not, it is relevant, and no Tickle, I really don't think she does have the idea. I think she's just like my kids. When I tell them to do something, and they don't want a lecture, they tell me they did it so I get off their back "did you talk to your teacher about your assignment? Ya mom, I did". No they didn't! They just don't more nagging. They're kids! This is a kid! We can talk until we're blue in the face and at the end of the day, if she learned one thing we said, that's great. But no, she doesn't even know half of it, even though we've all told her, and no matter how much more we talk, she still won't fully understand, because she's a child.

So you, let's let her contemplate. Hopefully it doesn't take her 5 months to do her contemplating.

What she really needs is to follow the advice to get counseling, to go to a planned parenthood, or another agency, and get face to face advice. She needs someone to take her hand, take her to where she needs to go, and show her her options, talk them through, see what's available for her for either choice that's available. She needs more than anyone on this site can offer her.

Alty is right, at her age she has no idea what to even contemplate.
Young lady, you need counseling, professionals to help you in all of this.

But--that's what I've been saying! She needs counseling to help HER decide what is right, based on HER circumstances and emotional stability. SHE HAS TO BE THE ONE TO DECIDE.

If she is pushed, at all, in any direction--there will be bitterness.

I'm sorry. We all know how hard it is to parent, but it is EQUALLY hard to choose adoption and live with it. Even if she IS 13, and even if she IS a child, and even if it IS expensive and even if it IS her mother that will be handling a lot--she still has to decide, with the facts she has and counseling, what is best for HER.

Regardless what all of us think is best.

In this particular case counseling is imperative for not only the child, but her mother as well.