Tal is right about being too physical too soon. Most young men think that if the sex (or petting) is great, the girl will want to come back for more..
But not all girls are like that. Some of us like to wait and get to know the real you before concentrating on just the romantic part. And some think that if there is just romance and not much of anything else, the guy has a one-track mind and that can be a turn-off too.

I know it sounds hard.. that's because it is! You just have to find a comfortable 'middle' and balance, like Tal said.

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We definitely aren't too physical too soon. It is a mistake that she has made before. Earlier in the year, she gave an 'oral favour' to a boyfriend in the second week of being together. She couldn't even look at him after that. We both know NOT to make that mistake! That was one of the first things she told me when we began dating. She wasn't going to make that mistake again. And I do't need that kind of thing anyway, remember? 16!!! Seeing as the furthest I have gone has been making out (and happy with that, for now) we had a good agreement there.

I recently went on vacation for a week. She was extremely excited to see me when I got back. Maybe what we need is to slow down a bit, NOT see each other every day, although that can get difficult seeing as we both go to the same school. But she will be away for 4 weeks! I don't know what will happen in that frame of time. We'll see though! Hopefully all goes well.

I'll keep you guys updated,
Thanks for all the advice

Four weeks is nothing compared to what will happen during the rest of your life. Just relax and don't think so negative all the time.

Also you and your buddies will often swing between 'men only' loyalty and noticing girls because that's part of growing up and experience at your age, so take things easy and don't adapt their attitude of 'bros before... ' - that sounds childish and disrespectful.

You can always talk to your dad too, he's been there, done that, and will probably feel proud that you include him in this important part of your life. Throw a few 'what if's' at him and he'll tell you about all those butterflies he had at your age.

Enjoy the summer!
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Quote:

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Originally Posted by jrsg

Hello,
So, I'm 3 weeks into a relationship, continued after a 2 week break. (Before that we had a short 2 week relationsip.
I know 3 weeks is short, but I still want to save the relationship, if saving is necassary.

My girlfriend seemed to be annoyed with me, even though she had no good reason (I've heard that is a big sign of a coming break up). In school, she seems to almost pull away from me. But, at my house, she is all over me. Not that she wants sex , but she likes to play around, kiss and things like that (remember I'm 16). But it is a little confusing.

She was over at my place for 3 days in a row, we were with each other for almost all those 72 hours, (she went home to sleep). Now, the last 2 days, she hasn't. I will see what happens tomorrow. I don't think she is trying to avoid me. I'll see what happens tomorrow.

She also says I can be negative and that I complain a lot... Which I have noticed lately, that I do. I have tried looking on the positive side, and it works. I try to stay positive, and I am happier. My girlfriend also repsonds well to it, and I honestly belive that she enjoys being around me more.

I would like to ask her basically "Do you still like me" almost. But I don't want to put it that way. I think I am at least going to say that I know I have been negative and I have been complaining a lot, but I am trying to change that.

So, does this relationship need saving?
If it does, which should I do, other than stay positive around her?
AND, this is the big one. Do I let her know how I feel and what I think?

Thank you

---

Well first, I am a girl and the thing that's most important is that we be understood. Start by understanding why she is acting the way she is. I have acted that way with some guy I dated back in college but that was because I dated him out of pity and I ended up breaking up with him and hurting him more than I imagined. So do not make assumptions. Talk to her. The relationship does need saving but don't push it. It is in a weak state and you have to keep a cool head. Think like an adult. I think she likes you but may be confused or maybe her friends are the one messing with her mind (thats explains why she pulls away from you at school) puhleeese reduce the making out. Making out with her does not tell how much you like her! Show her some respect and take her out, maybe to see a movie or just for pure fun. However if after all these her response is still muddled, then you have got to talk to her and break up with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Don't mince words. Yes, break up with her. Tell her you've had enough and let her know you are hurting. Don't wait for her to break up with you. No good man deserves to be treated that way esp. one who sought to understand and be there like you've tried. She does not deserve you so move on.
TRY MENDING THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST IF IT Doesn't WOK THEN WALK AWAY!

Dear lilthechic..
I think you have not read all of the posts here to be updated on his progress and follow-up advice from others. It's usually a good idea to see the 'whole picture' before posting an answer. Under normal circumstances this might be good advice for some, but he's just a scared 16 year old who is new at dating and worries that her vacation will make her forget him. This does not need to happen, and even if it does, life goes on.

Nevertheless, welcome to the site and enjoy being here - we are one of the BEST!

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One thing for sure, as you grow you learn that life takes many twists, and turns, not all of them good. Your coping skills are being tested, and you must learn to deal with different situations, because you sure can't change them, but you can change yourself. We humans are complex, and females may perplex you, but the key is to know yourself, and love yourself, and not put any partner before yourself. Let none run you over, because you feel intensely for them.

Four weeks and you're this worried? Take time and stop and smell the roses. Life is a beautiful thing, I made the mistake of wrapping myself up in a girl when I was your age too. I spent my best high school years trying to cater to her, make her feel wanted and I missed out on a lot. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, but give it time to grow, relationships are like plants, they need "water" and love to grow. It takes time, it's not an over night process. I am glad you realize you don't need sex at 16 and making out is okay by your standards. You are a very mature young man and proof good guys are still in this world at that age. You also realize spending every day together isn't healthy, hats off to you man! There are adults that don't even realize that! Don't worry about if it will work or not, worry about making it worth the time you spent on it!

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Some responses:

Chery: That "bros before ..." statement is just how I look at not letting a girl make me forget my friends. Not that they try to, I just don't want to lose my friends over a girl. A girl will someday be more important than my friends, but probably not at 16. And not one I've dated for only a month. I know the quote sounds childish and disrespectful, especially with the word "hoes" in it, but I don't mean it that way. The word just rhymes. I don't look at girls as 'hoes' or anything. I just don't want to forget who my friends are.

Lilthechic: I think Chery is right! I don't expect you AT ALL to read my several essay-like posts, lol. It would take a while; lots of stories. Thanks for the good intentions anyway!

Romefalls19: First of all, thank you for calling me mature, and "proof that there are still good guys in this world at this age." lol. I just learned that spending everyday together isn't healthy. I messed up my last relationship with that, I hope it didn't ruin this relationship. But, I have learned that lesson now. It is also a little tough, as we go to the same summer school! And, I know if this relationship doesn't work out, its not the end of the world. Thanks for the kind words and advice!


With all that done, an update with happened today.

I haven't seen her outside of school for 3 days. That is a lot, compared to our everyday thing we had going. After she saw me everyday for a while, I could feel our relationship getting weak. Now that we once again have our own lives outside of each other, we have more to talk about! Its great! I don't know how it will all turn out right now. I feel like we're just friends right now. It's like we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend right now, although the title is still there. That aside, the relationship has definitely improved over the last 48 hours. We'll see how everything turns out, and I will keep you all updated if you want to know how everything goes.
Next time I see her outside of school, I will talk to her about why she has been acting a little distant lately, and ask basically if there is anything I'm doing that she doesn't like. I will let her know that I am willing to work for the relationship, and ask her if she is willing to try as well. It sounds like a fairly personal conversation that I don't really want to have in school. Tomorrow is Friday, so we will probably go out somewhere outside school, I'll bring it up then.

The way I look at it, the conversation will go one of two ways:

1) She will say that we should try to continue the relationship (not seeing eachother everyday).

OR

2) She'll want to break up.


It all depends on how much effort she is willing to put into the relationship. And to be honest, if she doesn't want to work for it, neither do I. I 'like' her and all, but I don't want to be the only one working for the relationship. I really hope this works out for the best. I'll let you know how everything goes!

Thanks for the advice everyone! If there's anything else you think I should know, or anything else you want to say, Please speak up!

Thanks again everyone!
And thank you for reading this novel of a response, lol.


Oh, and another thing... About that I am afraid that she is going to forget about me while I'm on vacation. Chery, you are bery right with that. That is a big fear of mine. However, she has been acting distant lately, compared to how she was before. She just all the sudden decided she didn't want to be around me all the time (thats obviously okay), I just want to know why, and if she is going to grow more and more distant. I want to know how she feels, and I think the best way for me to figure that out is by asking exactly that.

Well, today has not been a good day...

I texted her today asking her if she wanted to do anything tomorrow night, and I haven't received a response.

She usually answers texts and calls as soon as she can. She wasn't busy tonight with anything (from what I know) and she usually goes to sleep late (it is midnight where I am right now). Maybe I am freaking out right now, but I feel like she is trying to avoid me at the moment. After school, on the weekends. I don't think she wants to be around me anymore... And that is really hard for me to think of.

I NEED your advice here.
Should I:
1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend)
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it.

That is what I see as my options right now. Which do you think I should go with? Or, do you have any other ideas? Thanks

P.s - I think if I go with option 2 or 3, and not say anything AT ALL, the relationship will end soon. I can already feel it slipping away, and I need to do something about it.

Thanks for the advice
I'll be calling her tomorrow (once, I am Not going to call 20 times and beg for a response) to see if I can get a hold of her, and see if she is available. If she is, then I will talk to her then. If not, I may have to confront her at school on Monday.

Thanks again everyone

Just me, I NEVER freak out BEFORE I have the facts.

You're both young. You are going to annoy each other. You are still finding yourselves and have several years before you will truly be there. For now, try being positive and all, be friends, etc. But don't take the relationship so seriously at such a young age. If it does not work out, so be it. You should play the field at bit and not think about it in terms of a serious relationship at this time. Give it time. If you are meant to be together, you will be.
Blessed Be!

1. Confront her, ask her if she has been trying to avoid me (I am 99% sure the answer will be 'yes')NAW!
2. Pretend nothing has changed in the relationship, like it is all good, nothing wrong NAW!
3. Not say anything about how I feel. Try to be a better boyfriend (confused about how to be a better boyfriend) NAW!
4. Combo of 1 and 4. Confront her. Ask why. Ask what I can do to make the relationship better, and do it. NAW!

Before anything can be done, you have to have the facts, and not just a fantasy of the mind.
This relationship is still so young, that communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation.

Just because the heat has cooled, is not a reason to think something has changed, so don't let insecure thought become action, take the time to talk and see a clearer picture.

One missed call and your ready to go off half cocked???? Somebody doesn't have enough to do.

The adult in you shows logic and reason when you write to us.
The teen in you is acting too needy and desperate - relax and don't freak out if things don't happen exactly as you plan when you want it your way.
The child in you needs to know when to sit in the car-seat and let the adult to the driving without distracting you every five minutes.

In other words, talk to your emotions and get them in balance. Stop thinking of the worst scenarios before you even take a step..

She is also going through growing pains and is probably just as scared as you are, but that's life, and you should talk about fun things and not act as an old married couple bringing up confrontational issues - that gets frustrating.

Learn not to put your life on hold, waiting to be beckoned by someone else to start living again. Don't place anyone in the center of your universe - continue with your other activities and interests and when she does call, relax and enjoy the time without trying to second-guess her motives.

Good luck, and RELAX!
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SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
And as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.

Quote:

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What is the difference between communication and confrontation?

---

Communication involves talking and listening, so you can learn, and understand it, with questions and answers.

Confrontation, is accusing, and is the last effort to a fight, where there is no talking, no listening, but trying to defend a position that does no one any good. Confrontation is about superiority, and submission, and both are losers.

Okay then, so I guess I am not going to confront her about anything.
I am just going to ask her about the relationship, and listen to her response and go from there.
I am going to hopefully learn how to communicate better through this.
I am definitely going to see her tomorrow, at school. I will talk to her then, if I don't see her after school.

One of my problems is that I want to talk to her, but I don't want her to feel forced to talk about it. I don't want to 'confront her and accuse of something, nor do I want to make her feel guilty about anything. I just want to know where we stand.

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...

Quote:

---

One thing I have learned: I need to improve my communication skills greatly...

---

We all have room for improvement, so keep praticing as the goal is to know how each other feels.
Its just not words but actions we have to pay attention to. Pay attention to what they do, and how they do it, as we can lose a lot with just words.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

the goal is to know how each other feels.

---

After analyzing myself and my communication skills, I think I tend to assume too much. Between my worst-case scenarios and my "what ifs" I never know what is actually happening.

I think I just need to be more upfront, and instead of assume, I can ask, and get a straight answer.

I have never felt so clueless towards dating and relationships than I do today... lol. But everyone here helps a lot!

Thanks for the advice tal, chery, and everyone else

You are not alone, as females are the most confusing things on Earth, to us guys. Communicating takes time and patience, and dedication.

And all females reserve the right to change their minds. Talk about a stacked deck!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Talk about a stacked deck!!!!!!!!

---

Damn double standards...
LOL!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jrsg

SO,
If I am reading all of you right, you are telling me to just talk to her. I shouldn't think up scenarios in my mind, or fantasy problems, but I should just talk to her and get the truth. Then I act from there. Is that right?

And, as tal said, "communications to resolve things, will go farther than confrontation."
Now, this seems like a real childish, rookie relationship questions, but then again, I am a teen and new at dating.
So my question is
What is the difference between communication and confrontation?
I mean, how do I communicate without seeming confrontational?

Thanks again everyone,
and as stupid as that question may sound, I am serious. I need an answer to that.

---

Conversation:

Hi, how are you doing today? There is this interesting (whatever) thing going on and I was wondering if you'd like to go there with me. Or, we could just take a nice walk in the park, feed the ducks and enjoy the weather.. . Now, if she says OK and comes along, talk about some great music you've heard or a good book, or even a nice recipe you mom cooked recently and ask her if she liked that kind of food.

Confrontation:

Hey, we got to talk. I really need to know if you like me and where we stand and if you are going to call me, cause I really like you and want to take this further, so I need an answer. Oh, and by the way, I saw you talking to this guy between classes (or wherever) - what were you talking about and do you like him more than me?. That is being pushy, needy and a very big turn-off.

Conversation is getting to know the likes and dislikes of a person, their ideas on life, art, entertainment, politics, comedy, etc.

Confrontation is more like an interrogation and is not warranted at all if you are just starting to date and you are getting to know each other. The only time you would confront someone is if you are trying to blame someone for doing something you don't approve of. And when just out dating, sometimes people do things that you might not approve of, but there are nicer ways of telling them that your idea is different on the current subject.

Did that help?
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And yes, we women can be complicated, but only if you try to figure us out too soon without even getting to know us on an individual basis.. but you guys take second place on that scoreboard.

This may be frustrating to you, so you can probably guess how I feel right now.

If I were your Mom, I'd take at least a few hours a week and practice with you. But I'm not the typical Mom, never have been. And I'm probably not a typical grandmother now. My grandson is only two years old and I already taught him how to ride horse on Mom and how to blow bubbles and we clap hands to 'give me five' (my daughter taught him that) My daughter and I (mostly me) talked about everything and I do admit that I embarrassed her a few times (not in public though). She thanks me now, but she really thought I was a pain when she was your age. Despite our age difference she likes taking me to tupperware parties and to visit her younger friends and we do have a lot of fun.

Don't you think you could talk with your Mom, or do you have an aunt, an older girl in the neighborhood, or even a grandma figure around you who you could explain your issue with and ask them to practice with you?
I know it might feel foolish at the beginning, but it benefits you in the end. My neighbor's son would vouch for me if I asked him to, but he's busy with a cute girl he's been dating for over a year now.

Honey, just relax and don't focus on asking a girl about a relationship that is just starting. Both of you don't know where this will take you, so why pressure her. Get to know each other and just let things happen when it's time, not sooner.


You have a lot of time, just have fun with it. Quit being such a worrywart!

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Lol, I guess I have been a worrywart, haven't I...
I come to this site and ask about absolutely everything. You guys are great help and all, but I think I may have become a little too dependent on you! I mean, I came straight here after she missed a call from me. You are all just to good at what you do, but I feel like I am forgetting how to think for myself. So, I will take a little while away from the site, and let the relationship take its course. And, I can gain some personal expirience.

And, before I go, a quick update...
My girlfriend was telling me all the things she did last week while on the way to school. My god has she been busy! Lol. And she was letting me know that she will be busy this week too. She was saying these things almost as excuses, because I think she feels guilty for not seeing me outside school in such a long time (which I don't want her to). She did, however, say that she wants to study for an upcoming exam with me on Wednesday. So, I will get to see her! Outside school! I guess I didn't have anything to worry about after all.

She is leaving for her 4-week vacation on Saturday morning, so I won't see her for a month after this week. In the 4 weeks she is gone, I will improve my communication skills, and hopefully can be a better boyfriend for her when she gets back.

I've said to myself a few times, "If I could start over..." I see the mistakes I have made, and will not make them again! Anyway, I look at when she gets back from her 4-week vacation almost as a new relationship. I can hopefully be a better communicator, and boyfriend in general, and I'm sure she will grow too.

Look at me, I can't wait 'till she gets back, and she hasn't even left yet... But that's just me getting ahead of myself.

So, thank you for everything! I think the relationship is all good now, all thanks to you! But, I need to deal with the small issues in the relationship with my own logic and rationale. I will be back when I need advice, but only for something significant. If she misses one of my calls, I won't come to this site saying "why does she hate me?"

Watch out world... there is a whole new JR in town! (And this time, he isn't a worrywart.) lol

Less worry, more fun, enjoy it!

Cool. Looking forward to hearing from the new JR.
Glad we were able to help you, and don't for a moment think you were a bother - because we are here to sincerely help and it's free, so we wouldn't be doing it if we did not care.

Oh, by the way, next time you visit the site and get good advice... see the little orange button in our posts, next to the blue one? The blue one is for when you want to quote and the orange one is for when you want to comment on the advice given, either by agreeing or not - and we do appreciate it when we are given a little credit that way now and then when it is appropriate, so think about it when you come back.

And, during those four weeks if you think you might get nervous again, just sign on and read this thread again to refresh and feel better.

Good luck dear, hope to hear from the new JR soon.
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Hey,
I know I said I would take a break for a while, but I am already back.

Let me first just say that I am still happy, confident, and I feel like a better person from even a month ago. I have learned a lot about relationships and I think I can be a better boyfriend to a future girlfriend.

Now, as you may have already been thinking, that last paragraph leads to this part, where I tell you that we boke up.

It happened today, after our math exam. She didn't break up with me until after the exam I had today so that I could focus on my work, and not be distracted and possibly fail the exam.

Now, why did she break up with me?

When I saw her yesterday (she came home with me), she told me about this friend she had in England (She went to boarding school there for a few years). This friend met a gay guy (on the street), who she began to talk to. She didn't think the guy was just talking to her to pick her up because, well, he was gay. So, they walked and talked, and in the end, she found out that he wasn't gay. He forced her into his car and brought her to the middle of nowhere. He then proceeded to molest her (sexually).
She said that her friend wanted to know what she should do. She had to break up with her boyfriend after what had happened, as her trust towards anyone is gone. Should she break up with her boyfriend before or after a major exam he has coming up? I said she should wait until after the exam, to make it easier on the guy.

So, let me point out a few things.
When she told me this,
-I had an exam coming up
-She told me she met and talked to a gay guy one night

I thought her friend was really her, and she didn't want me to know. But, I let it go for the night.
I saw her today, and after we wrote the exam, she told me that her friend was really her.
My girlfriend was the one who was molested. My girlfriend was the one who wanted to know when to break up with her boyfriend.

So, we broke up. And, in about 48 hours, she will be on the other side of the country from me for four weeks.

I told her that I understand why she can't date anyone right now.

I have thought about if she made up the molestation story just to make the break up easier on me. I am 99% sure she is telling the truth. That 1% is because of the last time we broke up, she lied about why she broke up with me. But I really doubt she would use a lie like that to break up with me. She has been sexually assaulted before, so she wouldn't lie about it. She knows how awful it really is.

But, yeah. I kind of just left here with my thoughts, and she is left to deal with this.
She told me that maybe we can begin the relationship again, when she is ready. I don't know if we ever will, but I am not betting on it.

My question to you is:
-What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?
She doesn't know who did it. Name, Where he lives, etc. She knows nothing. Police won't help because they wouldn't know who to arrest. And, my girlfriend doesn't want to have to go through telling the story to several detectives. But, how can I help her?
I know 'relationships' probably isn't the best place to ask, but if you could give me your opinion and/or direct me in the right way, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you

My plans for the next while is to just stay single for now. I don't really want another relationship right now, as I still like this last girlfriend. I don't even feel like dating other girls right now. The next year of high school begins in about 6 weeks, so I will probably find a new girl there.

If you remember, I was going to talk to her about why she had been so physcially distant. No kissing, hugging, anything for about the last week. I guess I know why she has been so distant now...

JR, so sorry this has happened and wish there were sure-fix solutions for issues like this, but there are none.

She's been 'invaded' in a very personal way and needs time to heal - but in my opinion, she should also report this guy. Right now she is the one carrying all the guilt and shame and she should not be doing this because it was not her doing. She trusted someone who broke that trust in a bad way and she should be doing something to fight back. Maybe her vacation will help her decide on what to do.

Yes, you have plenty of time to look for a new girlfriend, but honestly I don't think you are just going to forget what happened and you too will think a lot about it. I don't think you are cold enough to completely forget her and not be her friend if she needs someone to talk to - as she has told you something very personal and it took her a while to come out with it. She might like to count on you as a friend and if this is all true, I hope you can be there for her. Suggest that she talks to a counselor or school nurse about all this - so that she won't carry the burden alone.

Hope that you next girlfriend does not have such a complicated life behind her and that you can communicate with each other better without those little secrets.

I kind of had a feeling that something drastic happened and am glad that she finally told someone - that's a heavy load to carry alone.

Good luck dear. We are still here any time you want to talk.
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Thank you.
I would never just forget about what just happened. There is no way I am going to just cast her out of my life, and just leave her. I am going to be there as a friend for her. I have told her that I am here for her if she wants to talk. And she knows that she can talk to me about anything.

You're right, I don't think I can date for a while. I'll see what happens when school begins in 6 weeks.

She also feels really guilty. She likes me, and knows that I am a good guy. She doesn't want to be the one to break my heart. But, with the position she is in now, and after what happened, I completely understand why she broke up with me. I wish there was some way to stop her from feeling guilty about me. She already has enough to worry and think about.

I will definitely recommend a counsellor to her.
I also know another girl who went through a common thing. She was sexually molested, and got through it okay. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to introduce them to each other? I am there for my girlfriend to talk to, but I can't relate. I can't answer questions she has or anything. I think my friend who can relate would be of much more help than me.

She has 4 weeks in beautiful British Columbia, so maybe that will help her a bit. It will give her some time to herself, and some time to think.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions, Chery.

Quote:

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What do I do now? How can I help her deal with this?

---

Maybe you have already helped as best you, can by listening, and understanding. Maybe that's all you should do, and keep her confidece. It took a lot to tell you that for sure.

You might not be ready for another relationship, but having fun is not out of the question, and just see what the future brings.

Sorry for your loss, but your single, and should act like it, if nothing else, but to have something cool to tell her, when she gets back.

Enjoy the summer.

Tal, Thanks for the advice.
I agree with you that there isn't much more that I can do, other than listen, understand and be there for her.

I don't think I can 'act single' right now though. And I am a little confused as to what you mean by that. And to have something cool to tell her when she gets back? If you could clarify that, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again

And,
Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"

I have looked at mental health, teens, health, etc.
But where would the best place be?

Also, does anybody here know any good websites that could be of help?
Thank you

I have found a "Sexual Harassment Office" at a local university. They specialize in helping the community deal with being sexually harassed, as well as what to do if someone comes to you saying they've been sexually harassed or molested (my situation). I hope they will be of some good help. But does anybody know any other good resources?

Thanks

Try the Teens section.

There are some people who specialize in teenage issues and give some super advice and support. Also, your peers can share their experiences with you and give you hints of how they handled things.

As for the molestation of your GF, you can only encourage her to talk to someone and support her, but you can't 'fix' things for her. She has to take those steps on her own, just as you have in how to deal with it.

C.U on the forum, no matter where you post - we will be here to help.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_21.gif

Quote:

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Is there a place on this forum that I could ask the question "What do I do now?"

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Your already there guy, and others will be here as long as you have questions.

What do you do now?? You go back to what you were doing before you got with her. Real simple, just add some activities that brings new friends, new things to do, and don't forget the old friends, and things you enjoy. You never know what life brings next, so you have to be ready for anything.

Thanks guys,
For the advice, support, just everything.

As for me and her getting back together, I really doubt it will happen. I don't really want to get back together with her myself. She was basically dating other guys while I was with her. If a guy tried to 'pick her up' she would go along with it! I figured out that she gave a guy 'Alex' her phone number! She met 'Alex' at a park, and walked and talked with him. Then, she trusted another guy enough to walk through a park at night with him. This time, she was molested.

The fact is that she just wasn't a very good girlfriend. I hate to say it, but even though I 'loved' her (using the L word loosely), she was demanding and practically cheated. It always felt like I had to compete with other guys to keep her, which was really frustrating. The way I began dating her was because she broke up with her ex to date me. She also has gone through 3 boyfriends this year. So, I knew she wasn't going to be a real long term relationship. I wasn't expecting a 'highschool sweet heart' from her. I did like her, a lot, and she gave me some good expirience in relationships. I just think I am more willing to work on the relationship than she is. If she isn't going to put in the effort, why bother?

I am still reviewing the entire relationship, and taking mental notes on what was good, and what was bad. Hopefully, my next relationship can go much smoother and longer. I am not looking for someone else yet, but I will hopefully be ready when school starts again, in 6 weeks. My ex-girlfriend (feels weird to say that now) is in BC for the next 4 weeks, so that will make it easier for me to get over her.

I need to move on with my life, and although she made me happy, I had to deal with a lot of crap from her.

I am still going to be there for her as a good friend. She knows she can trust and talk to me about anything. And, I still plan to do all I can for her to help her deal with the molestation.

I got expirience, and a good friend out of all this, so I am keeping my chin up.
I am still the NEW JR, and a happy person.
I just don't know how this will all turn out. I always think about the future, I always think about what is best for me. I think right now, I will just live life. Whatever is meant to be will be, right? The truth is, right now, I don't really know what I want, or what is best for me... I plan to let life takes its course.

I am sure you have all heard the term 'whipped.'

I am a nice guy. I've been told by many, and I believe myself that I am a 'nice guy.' People also tell me that I am 'whipped.'
I don't think I am whipped, I just enjoy spending time with my girlfriends, and I am willing to do favors for them, and help them out with anything, as any good boyfriend should be.

So, where do we draw the line? When is one 'whipped?'

AND

How does one avoid getting 'whipped?"
I mean, I want to help out my girlfriend. But, I don't want to become whipped, which apparently happens to me all the time.

I personally don't even think there is such thing as 'whipped.' But, what are your opinions on this topic?

Thank you

My girlfriend and I have been dating on-off for about 3 months now. In our last effort for a relationship, we were going strong and were a short 3 weeks into it. In the last week, she was very distant, from all men, including me. Physically, we didn't even hug or kiss. I wondered why, and I found out why on Thursday. She was molested about a week ago. She couldn't voluntarily do anything remotely physical with ANY male, including me.

The way it happened was she was walking down Yonge Street, here in Toronto (A major street, filled with thousands of people at any time). She met a guy (who she thought was gay) and walked and talked with him. She trusted him enough to go walking with him through a dark park. He forced her into his vehicle, and drove her to a remote parking lot, and sexually molested her. This all happened at about 10:30/11:00 at night.

Now, when she told me, she also broke up with me. She has lost trust for any man, and there is nothing I could do but accept her request to break up. I understand why she had to do that, so I made it as easy for her as possible. She said she feels guilty for having to break up with me. I let her know that I am here for her if she wants to talk. But what else can I do to help?

She was sexually molested in school when she was 12 through 13 years old. She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

My only question is what do I do? How can I help?

Thank you,
JR

She seems to be handling the molestation fairly well, but almost too well. Its like she just tried forget it. Suppress the feelings she has. She hates to cry, and won't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. So, she has got through it before, and I guess she has some confidence that she can do it again.

First of all, she is NOT handling it well or she would not treat ALL guys this way because of what ONE guy did.
She needs to report as much as possible to the police so they can try and find him.
It sounds like he could do this on a regular basis and she is not helping it from happening to somebody else.
She needs to go to counseling to really get through this so she can learn to trust guys and not misplace her trust issues on other guys.

As long as YOU are happy being with your girlfriend and do not feel she is using or abusing you then you are not whipped and they are just jealous. So don't worry about what other say or think.

Well... ask yourself this:

Do you make time for yourself? Do you actually find time to do these things YOU enjoy, not because you enjoy things with her, but because YOU do? Such as.. certain movies, certain foods, possibly going to the gym, etc?

Do you find time to hang out with your friends? Do you find yourself constantly dropping your friends or not spending enough time with them because of the girl?

Do you find yourself always doing what SHE wants to do, not what YOU want to do?

There's a difference between being "whipped" and being nice. Make time for yourself, for your friends, do things you enjoy, eat things you want... don't succumb to every wish of your girl... as this often ends in you getting the raw end of the deal and asking yourself, "I did everything for her..."

I admit I do things that only she enjoys. With my last girlfriend, I did spend time with her when I should have been with my friends (i.e lunch everday). I did lose touch with some friends during the relationship too.

One of the things you said, ISneezeFunny is that there is a difference between being 'whipped' and being nice. I definitely want to remain a 'nice guy.' I want to know where the line between nice and 'whipped' is. I guess as long as I don't forget friends, and leave time for myself, I'm good, right?

And N0Help4u, I wouldn't even stay with a GF who 'abuses' me. But I see what you mean by jealousy. My one friend who hasn't had a girlfriend in 3 years was the main person who called me 'whipped.' I really didn't care what he thought, but it did make me think.

Thanks for the help guys