Please don't put words in my mouth. I never called you a pedophile, now did I?

Comment on J_9's post

Yeah, but a ton of people here have, and it was nice to get some positive stuff for once

Comment on heyitsemi's post

Thank you, this has made me feel better

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Originally Posted by heyitsemi

I think that if the girl is willing herself and he's not forcing her into anything, and he's clarifying that he's not touching, I think it's okay. It's just hugging, holding hands, and kissing. People do that normally anyway. I don't think he's going to touch her or anything. It's just my opinion. If they really like each other, I don't think people should be mean about it because it's not any of our choices. It's their choice and you can't really stop love.

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The girl is a child! He is 2 years away from being an adult in the eyes of the law. She's two years away from even being a teenager!

Also, did you read what the law says? Kissing and hugging in Australia, with their age difference, isn't okay. You can have an opinion, that's fine, but when your opinion is against the law, you really shouldn't be advising someone to go for it.

I also want to add that an 11 year old doesn't have a choice who she gets to date. She's a child, and she's subject not only to the law, but to what her parents allow. If this 11 year old were my child and I found out she was dating a 16 year old, kissing him etc, she'd be locked in her room until she was 18 and I'd see the young man behind bars.

The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.

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Originally Posted by Bunnyrabbit2310

The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.

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So that makes it illegal for the girl in question who is only 11!

Can you both please keep in mind that sex is NOT an option for us for at least 7 more years, we know that

And that's IF this relationship even happens

A reminder for everyone from earlier in this thread.

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Originally Posted by Curlyben

A 16 year old "dating" an 11 year old, while not illegal, would NOT be looked at favourably by the powers that be.
This is very close to child grooming, which IS an offence.

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Also as the OP is in Australia and not UK the child protection laws are a lot stricter..

To be honest if you were locking your daughter up for following her emotions then I'd have to say that's bad parenting. Someone shouldn't be punished for something they may not understand

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Comment on Altenweg's post
To be honest if you were locking your daughter up for following her emotions then I'd have to say that's bad parenting. Someone shouldn't be punished for something they may not understand

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It's not bad parenting... it's effective parenting. There is a difference.

Yes, someone already pointed that out

I said she was the type of child that pedophiles prey on because of her vulnerability and I stand by that. I still stand by her needing parental love not romantic love.

I also said that I think you have the best intentions to keep it non-sexual at this moment, but I also know that good intentions don't mean anything when people get carried away with kissing, hugging, and hand-holding. Hands can wander where they shouldn't and 'sex' covers more than intercourse.

You are at an age when sexuality can go from non-existent to raging. Just because you don't think about sex much today doesn't mean you won't tomorrow.

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Comment on Cat1864's post

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You have a good point, but it doesn't change the way I will feel about her or visa versa. And I realise this is a stupid thing to do. but for once i'm going to follow my heart and not my brain.

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Following your heart is what can lead you into trouble, but you don't want to hear that, do you? You want to hear 'go for it'.

I have said that you should be friends. However, I am now wondering how you met and became involved if she is house-bound for a mysterious condition. I think there is a lot you haven't shared that could make your situation even worse.

All I want is for the both of you to get the help you need. The help that you seem to acknowledge but not want to put your neck out for. Instead, you seem intent on keeping both of you in the same pit of depression that you are in now. That really doesn't sound very protecting or loving to me.

I've just read through this whole thread. First, only ONE person called you a pedophile and I think that comment was off base and inappropriate.

Just as inappropriate as your potential relationship with this girl.

You posted this in the Teens forum. Had you posted this in a law forum, the rules for responses would have been different. By posting here you opened your question up to more opinion based responses.

But you asked for facts and got them. But you also got a lot of very good opinions and advice and a few not so good responses. The response from Athos was way off base as I said. The response from Helen was NOT good advice. For every person who successfully developed a relationship with such an age gap there are many, many more that end in tragedy. And frankly, I don't count getting pregnant at 15 to be part of a successful relationship. As for Heyitsemi, I suspect he is another teen who has no clue about reality, just like you.

Based on all you have told us, this is my take. The two of you are not in love, you just think you are. An 11 yr old has no real conception of love. And given what you say about her family situation and depression issues, she is latching on to you to fulfill needs she has lacked and that is NOT a good basis for a long term relationship. You, on the other hand exhibit a lack of maturity. This is evidenced by your refusal to talk to your parents and your refusal to listen to the opinion of anyone who disagrees with you.

You are both still under your parents control and cannot make your own decisions (another immature and false assumption on your part). Either her parents or yours or both can keep you apart legally. And you would be breaking laws by going against their wishes.

Finally, your protestations about not engaging in sex is another sign of immaturity. You have no conception about how quickly cuddling and kissing can get out of hand as hormones take over.

So the bottom line is this is an ill conceived and ill fated relationship. If you choose to continue it, I predict it will not last and you will both be hurt and you mightr find yourself in serious legal hot water. Since this is only a possibility at this time, according to you, make it an impossibility.

I didn't come here expecting people to say "go for it". If they were going to comment I would have liked something like, if you're going to do it then make sure you know your boundaries and don't cross them

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to be honest if you were locking your daughter up for following her emotions then I'd have to say that's bad parenting. Someone shouldn't be punished for something they may not understand

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Protecting your child from a predator is bad parenting? How do you figure?

Also, you admit that an 11 year old doesn't understand, yet you still want to date this child? Does that make sense to you?

Here's a fact for you. I was prey, and I have to live with what was done to me for the rest of my life. The person that molested me (it wasn't dating, it wasn't mutual, it was molestation) was younger than you, closer in age to your "girlfriend". I refuse to allow that to happen to my kids, and if monitoring everything they do, being active in their lives, making sure they don't make decisions they aren't ready to make, saves them from the nightmares I have to live with forever, then so be it.

An 11 year old cannot make decisions regarding romantic love, because they don't have the capacity to do so, even if they're mature for their age, their brains haven't fully developed, they don't understand the consequences of dating, especially of dating someone 5 years older then them.

Even 5 years from now your relationship will be wrong. She'll be 16, you'll be 21, adult and child.

So once again, I ask you, are you willing to wait for her to be an adult so that it's not only legally okay for you two to kiss and hug and hold hands, but also morally okay?

I really don't know what you expected when you came here. Did you really think anyone intelligent, or old enough to know better, would tell you to go for it and date a child? Is she even allowed to cross the street by herself? My son is 12, a year older than your friend. I can tell you right now that he's not ready to date, and he won't be dating until I say so.

You're thinking like a teen, we're thinking like parents. That's why we don't agree. Thankfully the law is on the side of the parents in this case.

Comment on Altenweg's post

I'm not saying protecting your children from predators is bad parenting, but if he was a reasonable, decent, guy with no bad intentions and he made your daughter happy, would you still turn him down

Comment on ScottGem's post

Well, keep in mind, this is my first post, I didn't know I put in the teens post, I would have put it in the legal posts if I had known, but does it change anything, people would still talk about it the same

'i'm not saying protecting your children from predators is bad parenting, but if he was a reasonable, decent, guy with no bad intentions and he made your daughter happy, would you still turn him down' end quote.

For me as a parent, not even if he was santa clause.

A decent, kind, reasonable guy would have no desire to enter into a relationship with a child.

Could I ask you to use the answer box at the end of the page instead of the comment feature, it makes the thread easier to read and follow.

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I'm not saying protecting your children from predators is bad parenting, but if he was a reasonable, decent, guy with no bad intentions and he made your daughter happy, would you still turn him down

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At the age of 11? Yes, he'd be gone. You see, at 11 my child doesn't know what's best for her. She doesn't have the experience or the brains to know what's best for her. That's why she needs to live with her parents, people that will care for her and see to it that she learns the things she needs to learn before going out into the big bad world and making decisions for herself. Until that time, it's up to me, her mom, to make sure that she doesn't make a decision that could ruin the rest of her life. She may not always like it, but when she's an adult herself, she'll realize that the decisions I made were in her best interest.

Also, at the age of 11 it isn't love, and I know it won't last. She may be upset at first, but she'll get over it, all 11 year olds do. Love at 11 is a fleeting feeling. It never lasts. I've never met one person that fell in love at 11 and actually ended up being with that person forever. Most 11 year old "relationships" last between a week and a month. Why? Because they're kids, playing at being mature and old enough to date. They aren't ready.

My daughter won't be allowed to date until she's 16, same with my son. That's my rule. I made that rule because I remember being a teen, and I know how easy it is to go from an innocent relationship to something you really shouldn't be doing as a child. You all may have the best of intentions, I know that many of the guys I dated when I was a teen had the best of intentions too. Sadly those intentions get thrown out the window pretty quickly in the heat of the moment.

For me as a parent, not even if he was santa clause.

A decent, kind, reasonable guy would have no desire to enter into a relationship with a child.

Could I ask you to use the answer box at the end of the page instead of the comment feature, it makes the thread easier to read and follow

So I take it that means you think I'm in decent?

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for me as a parent, not even if he was santa clause.

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I have to spread the rep.

Actually, if you think about it, Santa is a bit off. When you take your young child to visit him they sit on his lap, and he promises them toys. If he wasn't Santa, just some guy, he'd probably be locked up. ;)

And how will she get that necessary experience if she doesn't experience it?

Why did you mention UK in your first post when you live in Australia?

She has to head back there

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Originally Posted by husky004

for me as a parent, not even if he was santa clause.

a decent, kind, reasonable guy would have no desire to enter into a relationship with a child.

could i ask you to use the answer box at the end of the page instead of the comment feature, it makes the thread easier to read and follow

so i take it that means you think i'm in decent?

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no.

It means a decent guy would NOT enter a relationship with a child, you are in a relationship with a child...

I don't know about anyone else but I'm finding it increasinly difficult to communicate to the op, the thread is going around in circles.

Comment on redhed35's post

Well, I can be hard to talk to when someone takes an aggressive approach, which some people here have


Actually, if you think about it, Santa is a bit off. When you take your young child to visit him they sit on his lap, and he promises them toys. If he wasn't Santa, just some guy, he'd probably be locked up.

Even I'll agree with that

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Comment on Altenweg's post
I'm not saying protecting your children from predators is bad parenting, but if he was a reasonable, decent, guy with no bad intentions and he made your daughter happy, would you still turn him down

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I know I would. My daughter is 17. If a 22 year old man came calling (same age gap) I would forbid it because they are in two totally different age groups. Whether he made her happy or not is not the issue. The issue is what he would have in common with her.

Unless you have a mental illness, you have nothing in common with an 11 year old. I had my daughter read this thread and all she said was... "OMG, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."

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Comment on Altenweg's post
And how will she get that necessary experience if she doesn't experience it?

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11 years YOUNG is too young for this kind of experience. She should still be playing with Barbie Dolls.

Now, please tell us about her mysterious condition. I'm sure everyone would be interested.

No child 11 should date, any responible parent would not allow it, any other person trying to, would be in jail for a variety of laws and the 11 year old would be grounded to the point of not having a chance to see the other person again.

My granddaughter, most likely they may never see the boy again.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

My granddaughter, most likely they may never see the boy again.

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Tell me about it... I'd hold this boys hand as I walked him to the police station!

She's 17 and you would prevent her dating? I know what I'm doing is wrong to you, but at 17 people can make there own decisions. Especially if she's sensible enough to feel sick over this.

Comment on Fr_Chuck's post

I saw you in the other person's post, he had the same problem as me. To many people looking on the logical and morals side of the argument. It's no wonder he closed the post after 13 comments

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Comment on J_9's post
She's 17 and you would prevent her dating? I know what I'm doing is wrong to you, but at 17 people can make there own decisions. Especially if she's sensible enough to feel sick over this.

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Why do you continue to put words in my mouth?

I never said I would prevent her from dating someone her age.

What I SAID was I would not allow her to date a 22 year old. That is the same age difference between you and this child.

Well, sorry, that's what I meant. At 22 there are some decent guys, and your daughters obviously sensible enough to make her own decisions

And I'd brake your legs for trying to make her sad at that time

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Comment on Fr_Chuck's post

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I saw you in the other person's post, he had the same problem as me. To many people looking on the logical and morals side of the argument. It's no wonder he closed the post after 13 comments

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Here's a site lesson for you. The OP doesn't close the thread. A moderator does if the moderator decides it should be.

I hope you weren't thinking that you could this thread any time you wanted it closed.

Sorry, I just get angry when I think someone I care about could be sad. And I think that would

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Comment on J_9's post
Your daughters obviously sensible enough to make her own decisions

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You know this how? Until she is an adult and moves out of my home, I either approve or disapprove of her decisions. I am the parent here. Her decisions are NEVER final until they are reviewed by myself or my husband first.

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and how will she get that necessary experience if she doesn't experience it?

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At 11 it's not time for her to experience it. At 11 it's time for her to be what she is, a child. She'll have plenty of time to experience it when she's old enough to be a bit smart about it. At 11, even if she's the most mature 11 year old on the planet, she's not old enough, and she's not mentally mature enough to handle being in a relationship.

I just told my son about this thread. As mentioned before, he's 12. You know what he said? He said "Why would someone that can drive, can date, goes to highschool, want to date a kid?" He can't wrap his head around it, and he wants to know what you two do together, what you two have in common.

My son has a friend that's 2 years older than him (2 years, not 5!), they've been friends since they were little. This last year they've grown apart. Why? Because his friend is now 14, a teenager, he no longer wants to hang out with the kids, he doesn't have anything in common with my son anymore, they're on totally different levels of maturity. The 14 year old is dating, he's in Junior high, he just got his learner permit (to drive), and he has a job (delivering the newspaper). My son is 12, he's a child. He's still in grade 6, his job is to clear the driveway when it snows. He still likes to play, because he's a kid. Does he like girls? Yes. There's a girl in his class he has a crush on. Is he ready to date? No way! He's a kid!

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Comment on Altenweg's post
If a child wants to date then what's the harm in letting them try?

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There is nothing wrong with it, when they are the right age. 11 is not the right age.

What age would you consider right to start dating then?

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Comment on J_9's post
what age would you consider right to start dating then?

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Okay, I've had enough of this. Please stop using the comments feature to follow up. Scroll down to the Answer box.

I consider 15 or 16 to be appropriate if BOTH parties are 15 or 16.

Dude, I've raised 2 sons already, they are 24 and 23. My daughter is 17 and one more son is 8. I think I know what I am talking about here.

Now, tell us about her mysterious condition.

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Originally Posted by husky004

i'm not saying protecting your children from predators is bad parenting, but if he was a reasonable, decent, guy with no bad intentions and he made your daughter happy, would you still turn him down

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Yes, emphatically. I would not (and did not) allow my 11 yr old to date period. When she was 13, she was allowed to hang out with boys and other girls in groups. When she was 14 she was allowed to date one on one. AFTER we met the boy.

You still don't get it. We are now talking about an 11 yr old child who you met while she was in Australia. You have given no indication on how you met her, how long you have known her or what you are going to do when she returns to the UK. What about those things?

Bottom line is you have no business tempting this girl with promises of a relationship that you won 't be able to follow through on.

And again, Please do not use the Comments feature for followups. That is not what they are there for. Use the Answer options at the bottom of the page.

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Now, tell us about her mysterious condition.

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If she wants to talk about it then she will, but until that time I'm going to respect her privacy

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scottgem:
You still don't get it. We are now talking about an 11 yr old child who you met while she was in Australia. You have given no indication on how you met her, how long you have known her or what you are going to do when she returns to the UK. What about those things?

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Again, if she wants to tell you or she wants me to tell you then I will. But no one here except for me and her have the right to know about that stuff

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am I the only one that finds it strange that the pets expert is beter at giving advie the people person from yesterday? Anyway, that's he's opinion, if a child wants to date then what's the harm in letting them try?

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The pets expert is also a mom, and female. ;)

There's tons of harm that can be done. That's the problem. I'm 40, to you that must be ancient. I remember being a teen, and trust me, things aren't any different now then they were back then.

You ask what the harm is? Do you really want to know? I don't think you mean this child any harm. I do believe that you have the best of intentions, that you don't intend to have sex with her. The problem is, you're at an age where dating is something you should be doing, something that's expected, something that most of us (when we were your age) did. She's not at that stage yet. She doesn't have the sense God gave a goat when it comes to dating. It doesn't matter if she's smart, or mature, her age, the very fact that she's only 11, means she's just not ready. How do I know? Because every year I've been on this earth I realize how little I knew when I was younger. A lot of that comes from experience, a lot comes from maturing, and even more comes from being old enough to mentally grasp the consequences of every action.

You don't understand what we're saying because of your age. I'm not saying you're not bright, or mature. I'm saying that you're young. Your 16 year old brain isn't able to understand what we know. It has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with brain development, experience, and learning. One day, you'll look back and realize that we're right, because you'll have the knowledge and experience to understand.

You are on the verge of become an adult, well, in the eyes of the law anyway. But you still have years of living to do, learning to do, before you are mentally an adult. She's close to being a teenager. She has many many years before she even reaches the stage you're in right now.

Let me ask you something. What were you doing when you were 11? Be honest with yourself. Think about it. At the age of 11 what was the thing you wanted most? What did you do on a day to day basis? Do you remember your thought process when you were that age?

If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll agree that at 11, you really weren't ready to date.

As for the consequences, well, having a friend that was pregnant at 13 because she really didn't think it could happen to her, that was a big enough consequence for me to start rethinking the things I was doing. Sadly it took many more years before I became smart about the whole thing, but that had more to do with the things I went through then actual intelligence. I'm very lucky that I didn't suffer any serious consequences because I did stupid things. Most people aren't as lucky as I was.

I want the best for my kids. I don't want 5 minutes of stupidity to end up ruining their lives forever. I love them too much for that.