Ask Me Help Desk - Confronted with the Past

Well, I know I've already commented, but since no one else is stepping up to the plate I may as well play the pinch hitter:

First off, any changes since you last posted this? It's been a few weeks since that girl walked into your store, anything new?

Assuming not (since you don't give such details), I'm going to guess that you're still thinking about him. The only answer I have for this is that it does take time to get over someone, especially if you really liked (or still like) him. About all you can do is go on doing what you do. It's hard and it'll take a long time, but eventually you'll get through this. You'll also eventually meet another guy, and that'll help things along.

I still contend that this guy's pretty lame as far as gentlemen go. If I had a daughter and she got yelled at by him I'd have kicked his @ss a long time ago. He was obsessed with controlling the relationship and you shouldn't have let him. Even now, he's controlling you: not explicitly, but it's happening--and you're still letting him.

Don't let him or his GF or anyone else control your life. Do what you want, when you want, however you want (well, don't do drugs... or butt sex--unless you're into that sort of thing ;)).

Lately, its been a lot better since I haven't run into him around town, nor have I heard anything I'd rather not hear from any mutual people we know. My mom mentioned she did think about and worry about him being a cop in the city, but she knows it's a touchy subject. I think a lot of good comes from just focusing on other things, especially in my case: work.

I'm a much happier person when I'm not dealing with manipulative head games and snide remarks all the time, enough so to have it be pointed out by fellow co-workers that I seem a lot perkier lately. Part of that's because I've been taking care of myself more, not letting things I can't control bring me down.

His girlfriend coming into my store threw me for a loop, but it wasn't my undoing. Unless you give someone the power to make you feel inferior, they have nothing on you. Looking at her just reinforced she's just a girl, just like me, just like every other girl in the world. I was making her up to be something so superior to me because it was easier. It was easier to take the blame for everything going wrong, for making it a "me" thing as to why I was treated poorly. I know I made mistakes, I can list a handful of them if I needed to, but my biggest problem has always been accepting that it wasn't ALL me.

Its like I needed to believe if their relationship lasted, it meant that I was defunct and incapable of being in a healthy relationship. That I was the problem. Part of that stems from the self-protective fear of being with someone and being treated well because my first relationship was a lot of emotional abuse. Everything I did had to have an "alterior motive." Everything I said was me "trying to get rid of him" even when it was something he did to manipulate a fight.

I've been talking to more guys at work, testing the waters with the flirting skills a bit before going out there and using them in the "real world" lol. Its still hard, it's a day-by-day thing, but lately the good days are outweighing the bad.

Knowing your faults and weakness is good, knowing everything is not all your fault is great. Its not your place to take on everyone else's faults and weaknesses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clandestine1

Its like I needed to believe if their relationship lasted, it meant that I was defunct and incapable of being in a healthy relationship.

Ah, this is an excellent observation, one many would have missed. You did allude to such a perception of the situation in your first post, after all, but you really put it in plain English here.

Well, I don't believe for a hot minute that you are incapable of being in a healthy relationship, regardless of what he's up to. Far from it--I think a girl who is intelligent enough to make such observations is a great candidate to be in a near-perfect relationship. Emotional, irrational women are everywhere: it takes a lot of searching to find someone as reasonable and logical as yourself.

Even though we don't know you very well, I would bet on the fact that you're a great catch. If you want a guy, put yourself out there and wait for someone great. I can tell you're worth it. Good luck!