Now, you say it's your body. Think about what you are doing to it. By smoking you are inhaling toxic chemicals that cause cancer. Pot kills brain cells. Those brain cells don't grow back. Once they are killed by the drugs, they are gone forever. Alcohol damages your liver. Once it's gone you don't get it back.

Now, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad, but remember, your mom lost her husband. While you may not believe it, your mom needs you. She needs your companionship, she needs your friendship.

This is going to be hard to hear, but your mom isn't over the top, you are.

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter

You aren't trying very hard to be a good daughter so what do you expect? That's something you have control over and can change immediately... if you want to!

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

I don't know what to say to that. I suck at being a daughter

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That's because you aren't trying to be a good daughter. This is all on you. Choices have consequences. If you want your mom to continue going through your stuff, keep on doing what you are doing. If you don't want her going through your stuff, and you want her to stop interrogating you, change your behavior.

It's all on you kiddo.

I just though stahing away and doing my own things was the right thing to do let her greive I didn't and don't want to cry about it and she seemed so sad all the time. I just totally screwed up made things worse for her. Should have just stopped and realized when she first started to ask quèstions what I was doing instead I just got angry and defensive. I do want to change that have a better relationship with my mum I don't want her to hate me or be angry

You got defensive because you knew what you were doing was wrong.

You you and your mom need each other. Whether you believe it or not, you will for the rest of your lives. It's hard to see at 14, but when you are 59 and your mother is 80 and on her deathbed, you will regret what you did for her if you continue down this path.

It's never too late to change your behavior and become close to her. You never know when you will lose her like you lost your father.

It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

I think about that a lot after dad died it hurt a lot we had a really good relationship I talked to him about everything. I don't know if I could be like that with my mum if something happened to her

Thanks for the replys its obvious what I jeed to do quit doing these things and then mum will maybe not be so suspicious. Thanks

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

It's time you and your mother grieve together for your dad. Start writing down your memories of him -- good ones, funny ones, even sad ones. Enlist your mom's help with this. Put all these memories in a file or staple them together. Read them again, especially when you two really miss him. And talk about him with your mom. "Remember when Dad...." My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack in 1994. Members of my family think about him and talk about him nearly every day; he's definitely with us in spirit.

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Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thanks that's a really nice suggestion but I don't think I could do that I don't like thinking about him anymore just makes me sad and I don't want to cry .

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But that is EXACTLY what you need to do -- to think about him and to cry -- especially angry tears ("Why did you leave me, Dad?") and tears of sadness ("I miss you so much, Dad!"). You've never really grieved. You've pushed away any anger and sadness over his death. You've done your very best to get on with life (and maybe, just maybe, your bad behavior has been a substitution and a cover-up for that grief you refuse to feel).

I don't understand why everyone tells me I need to cry. Hes dead it won't change anything it won't bring him back. If I let myself think of him and cry I won't be able to stop it took my mum and brothers along time to not be sad, I don't want that. Im fine he's gone and nothing will change that. I have my mum so I just need to stop doing what I am doing and not argue with her and try an be home more.

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.

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Originally Posted by J_9

You know. I'm 51 years old. I have four children, my oldest is 29 and my youngest is 14. Just like you.

I lost my dad 9 years ago, I was 42. Guess what, some memories still make me cry. Usually the good ones because I miss him. But you know what? That's okay! I'm sure your mom cries too.

You see. Your Dad is gone now and your Mom has to be both mother AND father. That's not an easy task. Then you throw a daughter in the mix who is being disruptive and disrespectful, well that has to drive her crazy!

What you don't see is that your mom KNOWS that you are doing wrong and, instead of confronting you, she is gathering facts. She needs proof to show you when you lie to her about your activities. And you will lie to her, you already have.

So, we have all talked to you. What are you prepared to do to fix this? Remember, you are the one who created this mess, only you can fix it now.

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I need to ask to talk to her be honest and tell her everything. I don't want to lie about anything, I really don't want her to know about everything but if I don't tell her everything then I am still lying. I never really stopped and thought about how my behaviour would effect my mum so I will apologise to her as well. I am a bit worried how she will react I know she will be mad that I exspect but I cant handle it if she cries.

You're both hurting, and neither one of you have dealt with your grief. Your mom lost her husband, the father of her children, and now she's afraid of losing you too. That's the way I see it. She can't stand the thought of losing you too, and that's why she's being over protective.

Now you, you don't know how to talk to your mom, you don't want to see her cry, you don't want to upset her more, so you don't talk to her about your dad and the way you're feeling. You're doing things that aren't right because you're mourning, and right now getting high, going out, smoking cigarettes, and everything else you're doing, is a way for you to cope, or to escape. That's not healthy.

Both of you need to learn to talk to each other, to let each other cry about the loss of your dad, to be there for each other. Some days you'll cry buckets, and other days you'll remember the good times and you'll smile, and laugh. But ignoring your grief will only make things worse. Trust me on this.

I would suggest grief counseling for both of you. Separate sessions so you can say whatever is on your mind, and joint sessions so you can both learn how to deal with each other and this grief.

I know it's scary to see your mom cry. She's supposed to be your rock, the place you can always go for help, the place you can go to lean on. But mom is only human. She lost her husband, the man she loves, now she has to be alone, because one day you'll move out, have your own life, and she'll be left at home, alone, because the man she wanted to grow old with, is gone. And now she has to raise you alone, and you're still young. She's grieving, and she's scared, and she's worried about you. You can do so much to help with this. Be there, be a good kid, talk to each other, let her cry and when she does, hug her, hold her, and tell her you understand.

It's not going to be easy, but it's totally doable. You can do this. You seem to be a very strong person, so you can do this. She can do it too. But you both have to meet each other half way.

Hugs kiddo. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't make that loss the thing that ruins your life. You still have so much life to live, and your dad would want you to make the most of it, and be the best you can be. Make him proud.

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.

Thank you everyone for the advice. I feel extreamly guilty now about how my mum would be feeling because of me. I never did any of these things to hurt her I don't even know why myself. I will talk to her when she gets home from work no point in dragging this out anymore. I just hope she will fogive me for all the hurt I have caused her and all the lies I have told her.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Add:

I'm also going to give you advice that I know I'll totally get flack for.

I don't think you have to tell your mom everything you've been doing. What purpose would that serve? You did it, it's done, and now you're going to stop doing it, right? Stop doing it, it's in the past, clean slate, and no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it.

We all make mistakes, we all do things as teens and even as adults, that we regret. Unless you continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over, there's no reason to upset your mom by telling her about it. Unless you're having a hard time stopping what you're doing, it's in the past, and that's where it should stay.

I think that as moms we often forget what it's like to be a teen. We all did things we regretted, and things we didn't tell our parents about. Now as parents we think we need to know everything our kids do, and yes, to protect them we do need to know. But, being a teen is also about learning things, making mistakes, and if you're smart, which I think you are, learning from those mistakes. You made mistakes, you did things that aren't good, that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. You learned from those mistakes, right? You won't do it anymore, right? If that's the case, then no need to tell your mom in my opinion, and I am a mom, I have two teenagers, a 13 year old daughter and a 17 year old son.

You came here for help, for advice, and you're getting awesome advice. Follow it. Stop doing the bad things, start working towards a better relationship with your mom, start talking to her, start leaning on each other, and I think you'll be just fine.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here, we all are.

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Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

Spend more time at home. Stop smoking cigarettes and drugs before it kills you. Your mother already lost her husband, she couldn't bare to lose her daughter.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thanks I really think it would be better not to tell her about something's. I am going to change my behaviour and I will be honest with her about the things she needs to know about. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is.

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I think that's a good idea.

Now, if you need help changing your behavior, then talk to her, or talk to a counselor at school, or an Aunt or Uncle, or one of your brothers, and ask for help. Or ask us.

You're both hurting, not just her. That's one thing you have to deal with, you both have to deal with. Be there for each other. She's your mom, and she loves you, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing if she didn't love you. It's a lot easier just to sit back and let things happen. She's not doing that, she's snooping because she cares, and she loves you.

So accept that love, and give that love back to her. You both need each other right now, so let her in, let her be a part of your life. I know it's not always easy, being 14 is hard, and parents seem to be otherworldly at that age. I remember all too well feeling like that when I was 14. My parents went from super cool to people that didn't have a clue imo. I thought I knew everything and they didn't have a clue. They gave me my space, let me make mistakes, and when I really needed them, they helped me. I learned that it wasn't my parents that had changed, it was me. They were the same people, the people that loved me, always had. I learned that the advice they gave me, wasn't to stop me from having fun, but to keep me safe. I learned that I didn't know anything at the age of 14.

Now, as a mom, I get it.

You're going to be okay kid. You care, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on this site. You love your mom as much as she loves you. You just have to find a way to understand each other.

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.

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Yes that's where she thinks I am after school I use to take classes everyday except Sunday I just don't enjoy it anymore. I have all the money she gave me to pay for it put away I never spent any of it so I can return it to her. I will try hugging her. Thanks

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

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Don't be afraid when she cries. Crying is natural, and it's a part of grief. My mom used to tell me that we all had teacups behind our eyes. They'd fill up, and once they were full, the tears would come out. Sometimes your teacup fills up faster because there's a leak, a leak that you can't plug up, and you need to empty those teacups, otherwise that leak will never heal.

When someone cries, it's scary, it's hard to know what to do. But when she cries because of your dad, you can relate, because you feel the same grief, the same pain. Sometimes having someone cry with you, sharing your pain, is the best medicine. Especially as a mom. I know that when I'm crying because of something we're all feeling, and my kids start to cry too, I snap into mom mode, comforting mode, and I forget my own pain, and focus on the pain my kids are feeling, because that's my job as a mom. When I see them cry I forget my pain, and I focus on theirs, and that helps so much, because then it's no longer about me, it's about them and making them feel better. Nurturing others helps a lot when you're in pain.

So let her cry, and if you feel like crying with her, then let her see you cry. Hug each other, hold each other, talk about your dad, tell her how you're feeling. She's feeling bad too, and she understands. When she sees how much you're hurting, she'll put her pain aside, and that's the best thing you can do for her. You are her priority right now, so let her take care of you, let her lose herself in caring about you. Talk to her, let her talk, listen and let her listen. Be real with her, and let her be real with you. Let each other in.

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

That took a lot of courage! Good for you. This is just the beginning of a new relationship with your mother.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

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Good for you. I wish you all the best.

I'm so proud of you!!!, especially because you hadn't spent the dance money and gave it back to her. Now, be a good daughter and spend more time at home, asking her how you can help around the house, etc.

I have to say I think it's very impressive you saved the dance money and gave it back also. A wise and mature decision indeed, and coming clean with your mom shows great strength of character. I think you will also handle the behavior problems with equal success, and make good decisions for yourself.

I believe you are a good kid, and want to be a good daughter, despite the mistakes in judgment in the PAST, and that counts loads in my book. You sound like you have made the right adjustments to get on a good track and I hope you and mom both heal together.

I wish you both the best and hope you stick around with your new online family.

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.

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This post made me cry with happiness. I wish you the very best life has to offer. Please stay in touch with us.

Kiddo, yes, I'm calling you kiddo, I used to paint, oils. Me and my dad took painting classes together. More like time to paint than actual classes. Once a week, a well know artist in our area, held classes in her basement. We went together for years. We were both really good, he more than me. Amazing art he created. I loved painting. I have his and my painting all over my house.

When my dad died, I stopped painting. I would love to tell you that I started again, got over it and continued to do what he and I loved. But I haven't. He died in 2001. My mom died 6 and 1/2 months later. Both of cancer. I was 30 when they died.

Now, after this post, you've given me the courage to resume doing what I loved, what he and I loved. It's no longer something that makes me sad because my dad isn't around anymore, but it's something to honor my dad, because he loved my paintings, and I realize now, after all these years, that my not painting anymore didn't help me, and if my dad were alive, he'd be disappointed in me too. We loved it, we were both great at it, and I let it go because it hurt too much to do it without him, too many memories of us doing this together. If he were here right now he'd be so upset with me for letting that part of myself go.

It's hard to do the things that remind us of those we lost. But if you loved dancing, were good at it, and were happy doing it, don't let his death take that away from you. Would he want that? I doubt he would. I know he'd want you to continue to do what you love to do.

Don't let 15 years go by before you realize you made a mistake giving up something you loved.

Learn from my mistake this time. If you love to dance, then dance. Every time you dance, dance for your dad, give it your all, and feel the joy you felt before he died, and feel the pride he would have in you if he were there to see you. Do it for yourself too, because you love it.

Proud of you kiddo. You're on the right track. Keep posting, keep us posted on how you're doing. You now have a group of people that care about you as much as your mom does.

You're going to be okay. I know it!

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

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How long ago did your dad pass away?

It does get easier, but it's always there, the pain never fully goes away. But you do find a way to move on, exist, and live. I found therapy to be very helpful for me, and I wish I could continue with it because I still need help dealing with the loss of my parents. I won't lie and tell you that years pass and it's all good, and pain free, it isn't. Time does numb the pain, but it's always there.

I still have a good cry every few months, with my husband who also loved my parents so much. We both miss them more than words can say.

But life does go on. I know that my parents wouldn't want me wallowing in grief over their loss, they'd want me to live my life to the fullest. I try to do that. It's not always easy though.

There are support groups, there are therapist that deal with grief, it does help to know you're not alone, that other people are going through the same thing. It helps to have support. I'd talk to your mom about that, maybe find a support group near you and suggest that you and her attend together. It's good to talk about your grief, to give yourself a chance to realize you're not alone.

Hugs kiddo. It does get easier.

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

Give yourself a break here why don't you. You are probably just coming out of the shock of a tragic life changing event. Healing will take a while for you and your mom.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

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3 months isn't long at all. I'm not surprised you're both having trouble dealing with this.

As for the accident, it wasn't your fault. Never ever ever ever think that. It was an accident, it happens, and going back in your mind thinking that if he had been at a different place at that time, it wouldn't have happened, is not going to help you. It was his time to go, and it would have happened no matter what. You need to let that thought go. It was not your fault!

Your mom is sad, but so are you. You're both dealing with this loss and you both need to be there for each other. Open up to her, tell her how you're feeling about everything. She's your mom, she can't help you if she doesn't know what you're going through. Talk to each other, lean on each other, cry with each other. That's the first step towards healing together.

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

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Originally Posted by Silvermist

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

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In light of this post I can't stress enough that therapy is a very good idea for you, and your entire family.

If you ever need to talk, we're here. Take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up any more. Your dad wouldn't want that for you.

Hugs kiddo.