Ask Me Help Desk - I'm 18 and I want to leave home but parents won't let me. What to do?

It would appear to be because "most" of her "stuff" has already been moved and her father never noticed (according to OP) that she could move the rest of the "stuff" in the same fashion she moved the first "half." I agree with Scott - I don't think the whole story is posted here.

BUT I will add a caution to the "move out" advice - she may not be able to attend the same school if she moves out of the District. Don't know if she intends to. If she takes ANYTHING that is owned by the father and the "facts" are as posted I would expect HER to be arrested.

And as far as making mistakes in order to learn - I don't think that is necessary. If you're smart you'll learn from other people's mistakes.

Particularly the one of burning bridges. that's one that can follow you for the rest of your life.

I'm still paying for the one time I did that in the late 1980's. And wish someone had been as forceful with me to NOT do it at the time.

At least in my case it didn't involve family.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

BUT I will add a caution to the "move out" advice - she may not be able to attend the same school if she moves out of the District.

Good point! If the OP changes her legal address, she may have to change schools.

"Her stuff" may includes stuff her dad bought for her, such as a cell phone, computer, TV, laptop, iPod, clothes, furniture... and he may try to reclaim them, as Fr_Chuck mentioned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

"Her stuff" may includes stuff her dad bought for her, such as a cell phone, computer, TV, laptop, iPod, clothes, furniture....and he may try to reclaim them, as Fr_Chuck mentioned.

- And that would involve having her arrested for theft.

I still want to know more about the million dollar motorcycle racer who is going into the Military to avoid a debt - or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

- And that would involve having her arrested for theft.

I still want to know more about the million dollar motorcycle racer who is going into the Military to avoid a debt - or something.

It was because she asked him to stop racing and he had contracts to race.

But yes, first few racers even make into the 100's of thousand dollars, and those that do, would never stop for a girl. And if they did, they would go to management or advertising or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It was because she asked him to stop racing and he had contracts to race.

But yes, first few racers even make into the 100's of thousand dollars, and those that do, would never stop for a girl. And if they did, they would go to management or advertising or something.

I KNOW motorcycle racing. I'd like to know about the person who is making millions and can't be travelling to do so (although I would question that) and also cares for his father.

You don't get your bike out once a week, run around the track, pack up and go home.

So - unless her boyfriend is married to Pink, I don't think so.

I know ESPN listed only 15 motorcycle racers who earn over 1 million.

All will live on the road and only be home a few weeks a year.

He did motorcycle racing, offroad racing, cycling, stock car racing, raced in the laguna seca, and so on. He traveled to many different countries, and was almost never home when he did that. Don't tell me that I'm not giving you the full story. I intend to leave my phone and my computer and everything like that. My clothes, if he wants them back I will give them back and buy new clothes. Whatever. But the problem is that my mom and I are extremely close and I want to be able to say goodbye to her. So I don't know if I should calmly explain the situation to my dad and if he screams just leave immediately with my boyfriend and police outside waiting. Or if I should write a letter and leave while they're gone.

And he got offers for management and advertising, but he declined because he wanted that phase of his life to be over with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ttaayylloorr18

he did motorcycle racing, offroad racing, cycling, stock car racing, raced in the laguna seca, and so on. he traveled to many different countries, and was almost never home when he did that. Dont tell me that im not giving you the full story. I intend to leave my phone and my computer and everything like that. My clothes, if he wants them back i will give them back and buy new clothes. whatever. But the problem is that my mom and i are extremely close and i want to be able to say goodbye to her. so i dont know if i should calmly explain the situation to my dad and if he screams just leave immediately with my boyfriend and police outside waiting. Or if i should write a letter and leave while they're gone.

I am having problems with your story. Your mother and father live together? She doesn't know some of your "stuff" is gone? She doesn't know you are lying about seeing this person? You are extremely close?

Any reason you have to say "goodbye" as you walk out the door and not afterwards?

I don't know where you live but I work with a LOT of Police Officers and none of them are going to stand outside with your boyfriend while you say goodbye. They are not an escort service.

About the millions he made racing - maybe he's lying to you and you're telling us what he said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ttaayylloorr18

But the problem is that my mom and i are extremely close and i want to be able to say goodbye to her.

You can't tell her goodbye privately, and she won't tell your dad? If you can't trust her not to tell, just leave. She certainly must be aware of your difficulties living there (since you two are so close) and will understand. And then, in that case, don't even bother leaving a note. That sounds like you are daring your dad to do something, a sort of "in your face" thing to him. And certainly you will see her again, can meet somewhere, like this isn't goodbye forever, is it? (I'm getting breathless with all the drama.)

Did you ever mention how old the boyfriend is and how long you have been with him?

OK, my mom and dad are married. They've been married for 21 years. She knows I'm dating him. But she won't stick up for me because if she does that will cause a fight between her and my dad. I am on the third story of my house so my parents do not come up here very often. She asked where my clothes were and I said I'm doing laundry and the rest are in the dressers. So yeah. My dad has a history of drug abuse so he's very temperamental. I tell her when I go over to his house I tell her when I see him. She works in a medical office and gets his dad quick appointments etc. My dad is the problem. He uses fear and control to run the house. She has nothing against my boyfriend, in fact she likes him. Its my dad who has an issue. So, I don't want to just leave my mom and break her heart without fully explaining to her why I'm doing what I am doing.

So take your mom out to dinner and tell her your plans. She doesn't have to tell your father and you just finish moving out when he is not around.

I would think the father would be DELIGHTED that his daughter is marrying a millionaire. This is the way to approach the situation with him - I would think.

And if the father's abusive I would NOT involve the mother by telling her in advance because at some point the father is going to ask if she knew.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ttaayylloorr18

ok, my mom and dad are married. they've been married for 21 years. She knows im dating him. But she wont stick up for me because if she does that will cause a fight between her and my dad. I am on the third story of my house so my parents do not come up here very often. She asked where my clothes were and i said im doing laundry and the rest are in the dressers. so yeah. My dad has a history of drug abuse so he's very temperamental. i tell her when i go over to his house i tell her when i see him. She works in a medical office and gets his dad quick appointments ect. My dad is the problem. He uses fear and control to run the house. She has nothing against my boyfriend, in fact she likes him. Its my dad who has an issue. So, i dont want to just leave my mom and break her heart without fully explaining to her why im doing what i am doing.

I didn't ask if they are married. I wondered why you couldn't tell her privately before you leave--or would she tell your dad and not be able to say, "I have no clue"? Why would she have to "stick up for" you? You'll be gone and, as far as your dad is concerned, she doesn't know why. That could be her Academy-Award performance, putting shock and anger into her voice, raging about what an ungrateful daughter you are, pounding on the table about your ingratitude.

Why on earth would your father want you around? It doesn't sound like he likes you very much. He will probably be glad you're gone.

I also asked how old the boyfriend is.

I said previously that he is 20 years old

And I've been with him for three years

Well, that narrows down the list of people who race and make millions.

He started racing when he was 13 I think. But he raced in the professional races.

I spoke with police today and they all said that yes, there are possibilities that I am making a mistake, however if I want to leave then I can leave. They also said that if they were in my situation they would leave as well. What they said they would do is meet me somewhere and let me explain the whole situation to them and then we would go back to my house. I would try to talk to my parents and if it wasn't going calmly they would tell me to go grab my stuff and the police would calm him down and tell him why. They would then walk me out of the house to ensure my safety. They agreed I am living in a mentally unhealthy environment and part of growing up is moving out.

Which is nothing different from what we have told you. However, I do find it surprising that the police would get that involved. Sounds more like a small town. I don't see the police in a large city getting involved in what is essentially a domestic dispute and civil matter.

But again, why initiate the confrontation? Why not just leave when he isn't around?

I work with Police Officers/Cops, I've dated them, I've lived with them, I've gone to their AM meetings, I have family members who are Cops - and I've NEVER heard anything like this. To begin with they cannot give anyone legal advice, and telling a person to leave is legal advice. Second, the OP is 18, an adult. She doesn't NEED parental permission (or a Police escort) to leave. Why would the Police get involved?

The Police aren't an escort service. You call them when you need them, not in advance.

Does anyone but me realize the problems the Police could have for advising the OP to leave AND assisting her in doing so when there is absolutely no reason/proof to do so?

Maybe this is in Podunk Falls - but I still doubt it.

Sorry, but I'm not buying any of this.

Judy, some Cops DO act as escorts when a person is moving out of a house when it is a possibly violent situation. They came out to my parents house when I was moving out of there. And I called them a day in advance.

Thanks, Jennie - I'll consider myself corrected on this subject again.

I, of course, can only address my years of law enforcement experience in my area. Very obviously it is different in other areas.

I wasn't saying you were wrong hon. Just that it CAN happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

Judy, some Cops DO act as escorts when a person is moving out of a house when it is a possibly violent situation. they came out to my parents house when i was moving out of there. and i called them a day in advance.

What size town do you live in? I agree that its not unknown for this to be done, but its much more likely in a small town environment. For example, I can see Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith Show) doing that. I can't see Officer Reagan (Blue Bloods) doing it. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

What size town do you live in? I agree that its not unknown for this to be done, but its much more likely in a small town environment. For example, I can see Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith Show) doing that. I can't see Officer Reagan (Blue Bloods) doing it. ;)

And I see the Police getting sued if they show up in full view of neighbors to escort a person who is of legal age out of a house when there has been no problem. Now, person calls the Police, they show, no problem.

I see absolutely no reason for the Police to show up in anticipation of a problem.

And, yes, maybe in TV land or very small towns - although I live in a very small Town and that doesn't happen here, either.

EDIT: I'm interested in this, so I called my "family member." He said (and this is in NY) that the rights of one party are NOT superior to the rights of another. For example, the Police would not assist the party moving out by restraining or overseeing the other party UNLESS there are previous Police Reports concerning the individuals. The Police would NOT assume that one party is going to cause a problem for the other (when both are legal adults) unless there are previous Police Reports. The Police would also not be present to "guarantee" that the party moving out doesn't take anything he/she doesn't own.

They WILL take a call when there's a problem in progess.

I'll take his word for it. It very well may be different in small Towns. He felt taking the word of one person showing up at the Police Station but not filing a Report (or not having grounds to file a Report) violates the rights of the second person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

And, yes, maybe in TV land or very small towns - although I live in a very small Town and that doesn't happen here, either.

I'm from a NYState Podunk (population was 1500 then, and State Police came when police were called, but never to help an adult move out of a family home without any history of 911 calls, and NEVER to give legal or other advice.

Jen, was there a history in your situation, that the police knew from previous calls there could be trouble brewing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm from a NYState Podunk (population was 1500 then, and State Police came when police were called, but never to help an adult move out of a family home without any history of 911 calls, and NEVER to give legal or other advice.

As you know I'm from West of Podunk (actually in Podunk Falls) and if I stand on my roof I can see your mother's house. Nothing to do with this thread, of course, but interesting... to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

As you know I'm from West of Podunk (actually in Podunk Falls) and if I stand on my roof I can see your mother's house. Nothing to do with this thread, of course, but interesting ... to me.

I thought you recently went back to Big City. And my mother told me you haven't been waving to her lately. Didn't you like her homemade apple pie that she had made specially for you?

(Sorry, Jen, for hijacking the thread.)

I wholeheartedly agree. There have been reasons to question the OP's veracity before. I can understand getting that advice talking to a school counselor or social worker, but not a police officer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

What size town do you live in? I agree that its not unknown for this to be done, but its much more likely in a small town environment. For example, I can see Andy Taylor (Andy Griffith Show) doing that. I can't see Officer Reagan (Blue Bloods) doing it. ;)

I'm in phoenix.
It may be because I called and told them I moved to a DV shelter a few weeks before and I needed to get my daughters bed, and my parents told me never to come back. So the policeman simply informed them that I had a right to the bed that I bought her and they had to let me get it.

I went to the actual police station today, and I live in vegas, big city, and they said the same thing the school police said. But I am leaving tomorrow without notice. They said they would come in advance, but why provoke a problem when I can leave a note and just leave. So, that's what I am doing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I thought you recently went back to Big City. And my mother told me you haven't been waving to her lately. Didn't you like her homemade apple pie that she had made specially for you?

(Sorry, Jen, for hijacking the thread.)

Lol this isn't my thread my dear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

im in phoenix.
it may be due to the fact that i called and told them i moved to a DV shelter a few weeks before and i needed to get my daughters bed, and my parents told me never to come back. so the policeman simply informed them that i had a right to the bed that i bought her and they had to let me get it.

Then I see VERY different circumstances from what has been asked. This makes sense. Asking for assistance in simply moving out when there is no history is something else.

And they weren't giving me any like, "legal advice" they were more stating options that I had and what could possibly result from them. Obviously there are concerns they have with the situation. That's normal though. It's hard to explain exactly what's going on to outsiders and not have it seem ridiculous or like I'm being irrational and uncaring. Im doing what I need to do for me

Quote:

Originally Posted by ttaayylloorr18

I went to the actual police station today, and i live in vegas, big city, and they said the same thing the school police said. but i am leaving tomorrow without notice. They said they would come in advance, but why provoke a problem when I can leave a note and just leave. So, thats what i am doing.

I've been trying to be polite to you, but frankly I don't believe you. I think you keep making things up to counter the holes we keep finding in your story.

You didn't mention it was SCHOOL police you initially spoke to, which makes a big difference. But now you claim you spoke to the Vegas police. Even though you are repeating the same advice we gave you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

(Sorry, Jen, for hijacking the thread.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

lol this isnt my thread my dear.

I know it isn't. I said "the" thread, since I had interrupted your comments with others regarding your own experience with the police.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ttaayylloorr18

they were more stating options that i had and what could possibly result from them.

That's not what police do either. That's the job of a counselor or social worker or minister.