Where were you when she was out getting pregnant, it seems to me that you need to be more aware of your child's whereabouts, your lucky a pregnancy is all she got
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Where were you when she was out getting pregnant, it seems to me that you need to be more aware of your child's whereabouts, your lucky a pregnancy is all she got
How can a parent be with a child 24/7? -- SavageQuote:
Originally Posted by cennet
alkalineangel, your absolutely correct that from a "legal" stand point mom can not force her to do anything. That is what's wrong with this entire thing! You can better believe if it were me in this mothers position, I would not be thinking about what the law says, and I would telling my daughter the way its going to be! If my daughter was smart enough and did her homework on the whole legal aspect of it and told me to buzz off, then so be it. But if she was smart enough to do that, maybe she should have prevented an unwanted pregnancy!
Kanicky: I wish you a pregnant 14 year old daughter so that you can eat your words.
I was a pregnant teenager who was a straight A student, and who was using 3 forms of birth control.
If you were my mom, I'd tell you to go to hell, and make DAMN sure you didn't have access to your grandchild.
And you would be alienating your daughter and tearing apart your family. There comes a point where you can't "TELL" kids what to do. You can only advise them and hope for the best.Quote:
Originally Posted by kanicky73
I'm 15 and I'm 2mouths pregnant and I told my mom and she got mad at me and kicked me out of the houseQuote:
Originally Posted by jmb6364
I'm just saying don't kick your daughter out of house that is not going to setle any thing now I live with my dad now...
cc11
Kanicky - what is "telling" your daughter "what to do" going to do actually? Do you think her life will be better because of it... or are you thinking about YOUR life? If a young girl is forced into a life changing situation that most adults can hrdly handle (adoption, abortion) how do you think she is going to feel towards the person who forced her to do it. It is irrational to think you can make her do what you want like a little marrionette. She is already in a difficult, adult, scary situation as it is, and you will only make matters worse, not fix them, by forcing her to do anything. Is it really worth losing your daughter? Because that is what will happen. She will resent you for the rest of her life, and will be emotionally scarred. She has a right to a decision here, and there is nothing you can do about it. You may not like her decision, but at least it is hers. She will be forever changed by this situation, why would you want to make it any more life changing than it already is.
A baby is always good. The circumstances may not be but, still they are so cute. It's you grandchild and part of your family.
Well, then if we can no longer "tell" our kids what to do, then why bother with anything else. Why should we tell them to stay in school, why should we tell them to strive to get good grades, why should we tell them not to do drugs? Get my point? Or does this only apply to if someone gets pregnant? I think not. That is the problem with our society now a days. Parents are not educating their children from the start, showing them at an early age the risks of unprotected sex. Im not saying that all kids are going to listen but at least if you took the time and said your peace and gave your son or daughter all the resources and all the information they needed to make good choices, if they then made a bad one you know that you have done what you could. We are giving too much power to the children in this world and we as parents are losing it. Remember how most of us were brought up? I am willing to bet that most of us were spanked a time or two. Try and do that to your kids now and you'll have protective services at your door. Its time we as parents take a stand and say, no! It isn't right for my 14 year old to be having a baby! Its my opinion, nothing more. But you can bet that my two children can come and talk to me about anything and I have educated them on the risks of such behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
But Synnen why were you having sex at age 14? You don't see anything wrong with that? So are you going to allow your 14 year old to have sex or are you going to educate him/her and do your absolute best as their parent to show them ALL the risks? I know we can not stop them, if they are going to do it, they will do it. I was terrified to even think about sex at age 14 because my mother, who was a single mom at that, told me of all the risks involved and what could happen even if I used birth control. Like I said it doesn't work on every kid but if you make a difference in just one, that's a big difference! You made is sound as though if my daughter didn't listen to me then I was going to turn my back on her. That is not what I said.
We can't "tell" them what to do, but we can ADVISE them what to do. We can explain why the advice we give will lead to their having better lives.
I hope you can see the difference between giving orders and helping kids make the best decisions.
Sometimes "giving orders" is needed. If I had the choice to order that my child not smoke meth or advise her not to. I'm sure you can guess which way I would go on that.
The way I see it you can do this two ways.
Kanicky73's way. Where you tell the daughter how it is going to be. Not giving her a chance to decide what is right for her body, for her future. Taking all control out of your daughter's hand. Which then could lead to resentment or even a breakup of your relationship with your daughter. Which could than lead to her trying to raise this child on her own and cutting you out completely.
Or you could support her. Guide her in her choices. Allow her to make an educated decision. Talk openly with your daughter about the changes that are going to occur. She is a child in a very grownup situation. She could use your guidance right now.
By being harsh, by placing blame, that is not going to change anything. Support, love and nurture, but also educate your daughter. She will be a better mother because of you...
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Originally Posted by kanicky73
Unfortunately kanicky ordering your child not to do something does not mean that they won't do it. You can order your child not to smoke meth until you are blue in the face, but are you going to be there throughout their entire life making decisions for them? If not, then guess what, they may decide to defy your "order" and still do it.
There's a BIG difference between advising them how NOT to get pregnant, and how to make good choices, and TELLING your daughter how she will handle HER pregancy.
I wasn't having sex at 14... I did manage to wait until 16, and then it was with a guy I'd dated for 2 years, and who I thought (at the time) that I would marry. I was 16, not stupid. I researched birth control, I used three frickin' forms of birth control! I talked to my doctor AND my mom about it (my mom, by the way, reacted like most moms--"You're not going on birth control! You're going to get pregnant! Don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex, you're too young" instead of sitting down and calmly talking to me about it.) I found out later that I got pregnant against a hell of a lot of odds--I'd had a one in something like 100,000 chance of getting pregnant.
It was also my second time having sex.
So... my mom telling me what I could and couldn't do with my pregnancy only made me hide all of my decisions from my mom. Didn't change my mind in any way, just made me alienate my mother.
Should parents be able to punish their kids? Absolutely. Should they be able to tell them to stay in school, stay off drugs, etc, Of course!
Should they be able to tell their child what to do with her pregnancy? Sure! Should they be able to ENFORCE that? Absolutely not. My mother would have had me raising my daughter at 17, which would have done nothing but make me hate my mother AND my daughter. Even at 17, I knew that.
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Originally Posted by Tuscany
You are correct, but if you read what I have posted I have already said that. I never said just because I order my child not to do something means they won't do it.
I think I am being misunderstood on where I stand on this. So I will explain my answer again. Also Synnen you never answered my question, but went around it very nicely so I will ask again. Do you think it was OK for you to be having sex at 16? And would you allow your 16 year old to be having sex? So back to my answer, if my daughter at age 14 came to me and told me she was pregnant, there are so many things to consider. School, clothes, day care, formula, diapers. I do not think that any 14 year old at the maturity level they are at can even comprehend what it takes to raise a child. Us as the parents know a little about it. I am not saying that I would force my 14 year old to have an abortion, because my opinion is that is wrong. What I would do is tell her that adoption is a better choice. Lets be honest here in cases like this its not the 14 year old who ends up actually taking care of this child, costs and all. I have seen my own sister lose her entire teenage years because she had a baby at 16. You can't go back and do it over, so why not give yourself a fighting chance. No 14, 15 or 16 year old needs to be raising a baby, bottom line. This time is the building block of their future.
I don't think it's RIGHT to be having sex at 13-14-15-16, but let's be realistic: it happens. Would I want my daughter doing it? Well, she's 15, and I sincerely hope she's not having sex. However, I don't have any more influence on her than giving birth. I placed her for adoption after birth.
Frankly, while most of the time I'm at peace with choosing adoption, it was and is HELL to deal with. And I walked into it, eyes open! To force someone to choose adoption... well, you may as well sign their death certificate, since most of the birthmothers I know (and granted, my viewpoint is somewhat skewed, as I seem to meet only the ones who need help) have attempted suicide at some point. Last year, we mourned the loss of a friend who couldn't live without her child after the adoptive parents closed the adoption.
So... would I separate my daughter from her child? Not on your life. Would I be disappointed? Yes. But I'd NEVER make her choices for her.
In the play The Fantasticks, there is a song title Just Say No. one of the choruses goes like this:
Why did the kids put beans in their ears
No one can hear with beans in their ears
After awhile the reason appears
They did it cause we said No!
The song details how two fathers manipulated their son and daughter to want to be with each other by staging a feud and building a wall between their houses.
The point of all this is that ordering kids not to do something is a sure fire way to get them to do it. Yes there are times when we must order our kids around. I remember a time when my daughter was 17 and she wanted to go to a meeting of one of our clubs in a blizzard. I had gone to the store before it started snowing and come back with more than an inch on the ground and building. On my way back I was sideswiped by another car. I had to take the car keys from my dtr to prevent her from going. As it turned out the meeting was cancelled.
But such times are few and far between. You can't order a teenager not to have sex. If they become pregnant you can't order them about what to do about it. You have to let them grow up.
What ever you do don't yell at her that's like the worse but I think you should talk to her tell her no matter what happiends ull always be there for herQuote:
Originally Posted by jmb6364
Everyone here seems to be talking about the life of the pregnant girl and how one choice or another will affect her. Yes, we must look out for our children, but, how about the life of that baby? I don't believe abortion is the answer. Everyone has to raise their children a certain way, their way. They will teach them what they believe to be right and wrong, i.e stealing is wrong, respect is right... so forth. Okay. But, who has the right to deny that unborn child of a loving home with a mom and dad, a roof over their heads and all other needs that have to be met? Not all of us grew up fortunate enough to have both parents around or in a financially stable home, but I'm sure things would have been easier if they had.
Synnen, as difficult as it was for you to give your child up for adoption, it was one of the most noble and unselfish things you could have ever done for her. She will never truly know the sacrifice you made, so that she could have, what you were probably unable to give her. I believe you were raised to be a giving and loving person who thought more about other's than yourself. Your act was completely and totally selfless.
With so many married couples out there wishing they had a baby of their own to love and care for, why not suggest that to our children? If we raise them the way Synnen's parents raised her, they will see the bigger picture.
I know this situation is tough, but its manageable. Abortion may not always be the best answer. As later in life, she may regret it, and start blaming you for the abortion. I think that a good mother and daughter talk would be best. If she agrees to abort, then my next plan would be preventative measures to make sure this doesn't happen again.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmb6364
I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I am neither for or against abortion and the truth is there is not easy way out of this one. All I do know is that you have to love your daughter no matter what.
You have several options to choose from depending upon your beliefs and your daughters beliefs:
Have the baby and keep it
Have the baby and find adoptive parents
Abort the Baby
Of course the decision has to made one way or another..
I cannot tell you if an age determines a good parent or not.. My sister had a baby at 16, and the girl is fine now. She was a very good mother, although she had to do a lot of learning and growing over the years. She also had a very supportive family in this situation..
I have another friiend who got pregnant at 15, her mother made he get an abortion. She is 34 now and doesn't have any children and can't seem to get pregnant, she is devastated about what she says her mom "made" her do. You are in a really tough situation! Good luck to you.
Talk to her see what she feels about the whole maybe becoming a mom. If she doesn't want to keep it thers always adoption. I for 1 don't believe in abortion so I wount comment on that subject. But see what she feels first
[QUOTE=l99057j]Wow, darkclaw has the definitive answer for a question that scientists and theologians have struggled with for years... whether that little cluster of cells is a life.
No. Just theologians. Biologists are not the arbiters of belief. Fertilized eggs are alive, sperm and eggs are alive; they come from cells that are alive. So "life begins" BEFORE conception. Life began, in fact, 3.9 billion years ago and has been in continuous existence ever since. This discussion is really about ensoulment, when an individual acquires a soul, which is a purely theological question. Science can't measure the arrival or departure of souls and has nothing to say about "when life begins" in the sense you are talking about. --Biologist/ sympathetic parent
I think parents and daughter have to decide together. They are still her legal guardians and will have to be involved in whatever happens. I would treat it as a family event and use it to draw everyone together. No matter what happens, everyone should be on the girl's side and help her. I don't think it's fair to assume the parents were bad parents. Or that the girl was "bad" either. Everybody makes mistakes of some kind. How many of us have been lucky at some point in our life when we did something foolish? I would skip the whole issue of blame. Use this as an opportunity to express love.
:confused: Well first of all,her boyfriend probably pushed her into it.That's how boys are these days.But it's not intirely his fault she should have said ''NO''.But she went with it.She should have known better.And they boy is pathetic for puching her into doing it.Well congrats grandma,hope it's a girl!
I agree with those that said you should talk to your daughter, BUT at the same time I think you should talk to the guy who wasn't safe to begin with as well. If your daughter doesn't keep the baby but keeps her relationship with this guy who's to say that she is not going to get pregnant again. And if she got pregnant the first time at the age of 14 she wasn't playing safe inform her of STD's that can come from this as well. Over all the choice is not yours and it is not your life that is going to be scared from it. I have had 2abortions and 1 birth and none of the two are easy to deal with. The most you can do as a mother is support your daughter cause the mistake already happened. And don't point any fingers, yell, or scream it will just scare her away and she won't open up and talk to you and it may lead to a bigger issue. Pray about it GOD always has an answer. Good Luck and GOD BLESS. Xox
Please let us all understand that the OP posted this in February, so the gal would be around 4 months along right now, and since the OP has not come back for an update, we can probably assume that they have made a decision as to how to handle this delicate situation.
Stand by her if you don't you will lose her
Well honey there isn't a thing you can do about it!!
Yes she may be young but you never know how she feels have you talked to her because when a girl is in a spot like this all she needs is her mom you need to tell her to think it through don't force her into making a decision that mabey she doesn't want to make I am srry if your thinking abortion I think if she doesn't want to keep it at least give itto a loving family don't kill it because it is still a child no matter how far along she is
My sister had a baby when she was 15 and my mom and dad helped her now a days having children young is popular... u need to show her what its going to be like to be 14 and have a baby that means no giving in if she wants to go out she needs to find her own babysitter and pay with her own $ don't let he go on welfare she needs to learn thing the hard way she needs to learn responasability or else she might just come home when she's 16 with another baby.. statistics state that girls whom have a baby before they turn 18 will most likely have another before they are 20... u need to show her you love her but also let her know she needs to be responsible for her actions and stay in school no matter what
Any mother who loves their child would be terribly conflicted with this situation. The idea that any decision could be made without considering all the options is hasty and dangerous. That being said, she is a child! Children at fourteen are not equipped to be mothers themselves. Most likely if she does adopt, she will regret it later. Also, if she has it now, her mother will be raising the baby. Either way, the people that adopt the baby would be happy, that's true. This isn't about what we personally believe, this is about this child's well being and future. That is what is most important right now. The baby is not viable yet, so people relax on that issue. That doesn't take away from the fact that it is a life inside of her. Yet, the father who also helped make this life isn't stuck with the burden of doing it to himself. IT isn't his body, the baby isn't in him and he isn't the one that has to decide. So, for men it is not the same. NOt saying it isn't hard for him, realistically speaking it is a fact. Life is about choices, we were given free will to make those choices. So I suggest thinking about them all and finding out how she feels. YOu will have to make the decision with her. She can't do it alone. She needs your guidance and understanding, regardless of what you decide.
Don't yell sit and talk to her because if you do yell you will drive her away and dats not good when she's pregnantQuote:
Originally Posted by jmb6364
Yes, 14 is very young to have a child. But I know girls who have gotten pregnant and even kept the child and to tell you the truth they are some of the best mothers that I know. It cannot be easy trying to figure out what to do. But I have to say that this is her decision. If she wants to keep it she should be able to keep it. If adoption is the road that is great too. I personall however would not let her choose abortion. She will have to live with that all of her life. And she very easily could have problems after that. Even worse than if she is to give up her baby. A lot of people who have abortions go through terrible emotional trauma later. She needs help though. She obviously came to you and wants some advice. Which you should give her. But let her make the choice. It is her baby and her body NO MATTER HOW YOUNG SHE IS. I am sorry that this happened. I will be praying for you and your family.
Sarah
Every girl I know who let the child go, ended up messed up. I hope she feels no pressure.
Congratulations.
My sister was just 15 when she had her first baby and my whole family went through some crazy stuff. I would like you to contact my sister if you would please because you should try to see it from your daughters perspective. The best place to find my sister in at myspace.com her name is Tiffany Mitchell and her user name is mamatiff tell her that I (victoria her sister) told you to contact her. She knows better then anyone else what it's like
I personally think that you need to show your daughter love. I don't understand why a 14 yr old would be having sex, but OK. I'd try to be understanding and loving. BUT it is her body. She should have the choice. She slept around and in my opinon should have the child or put it up for adotpion. Abortion is the EASY way out. Which I disagree with. But just be a loving parent. Who knows 10 years from now you may have a wonderful 10 year old grandson or daughter that you'd rahter die than give up.
We should all realize that this post was done in mid February and the Op has not been back. That means that the girl is almost 5 months pregnant and/or they made their "decision" and decided not to come back and tell us what the decision was.
Basically, whatever we have said, or say, to this mother she is not reading it and most likely will not respond. In all honesty, it is considered a dead thread.
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