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I'm still a little cloudy on the issue...
If I bring it up, she will feel guilty again? Even if the reason I bring it up is to tell her that I am not hurt by it, and there is no reason for her to feel guilty. I mean, I know I can't tell her how to feel... but I can't bring it up at all?
I guess if I ever want her back, it is the friend zone...
I was trying to pick out the good points Chery has brought up, and chose the whole thing, and sorry, I had to spread the rep, but that was a darn good post.
She dumped you so let her be the one to explain or make up, bottom line, and let her friends tell her how much fun your having, as girls use friends like an army, to gather info, spread rumors, and protect each other. That's what's happening here, as if she wanted to talk she would have made it possible. Walk away with your dignity, and self respect, and place those doubts, and questions on the shelf, for later.
Yup, it is back to square one! Either that, or get off her chessboard. Take some time to seriously think this over - you want to open the door again, so forget about wanting 'closure' - that's meaningless in the stage of this relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrsg
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
Good point,
And nice metaphor with the open door and 'closure', that is really nice, lol.
But in all seriousness I will think about it hard, or think more and longer. I have thought about it for 3 hours now (since I got home from school), and I have come to some conclusions, but I still have hours of thinking to go.
Thanks for the advice, and I will let you know my decisions, and how they go. I will keep you posted, and I'm sure I will be back with more questions.
Thank youQuote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Okay,
After a few hours of hard thinking, I think I know what I am going to do.
I am going to go against some of the advice you provided me. Please don't take it as disrespect to you guys. I feel that I know the situation better than anyone else, so I can make the best decision.
After weighing the pros and cons, I think I am going to ASK to talk to her over lunch (privately) tomorrow. I am going to bring up the past (which I was advised against), and try to clarify why she broke up with me. If I think the issue/problem can be resolved, I will ask her to come back to me, not in a begging manor, but as a "lets give it another try" way (also advised against).
I don't expect her to come back though, and if I can't get her back now, then I don't know. I am in high school, and don't want to spend so much time waiting for her. If she doesn't want to get back together, we can move on, in our own directions, hopefully still being friends. I just need to get this situation over with, no matter the outcome. I think the situation as a whole is having more of an emotional impact on me than anything else.
So I thought I would let you know what I decided. Thanks for all the help guys, and I will let you know how it goes.
The plan:
Plan for tomorrows lunch:
(Prior to lunch)
-ask to talk to her (in privacy) about the break up.
(At lunch, IF she agrees to talk)
-Ask why she decided a break up was necessary
-Get to the real reason of the break up, identify what the problem was
-Attempt to resolve problem, clarify (Clairfy how I actually feel)
-Let her know I still like her
-If all goes well, ask her if we could get together again
THREE OUTCOMES/OPTIONS:
1-We get back together, live happily ever after (Best, but not expected)
2-Be good friends (Not the best, but I'd take it over option 3)
3-Go our own ways (Worst, but I can cope)
***I am ready for anything here. As I mentioned earlier, the place I am in now is not good for me at all. I think I want to move on, with or without her. I still really like her, and I want to get back with her, but if it doesn't work, then okay. I have a whole life ahead of me, and I won't let this get to me too much. I'm finally thinking logically, no longer emotionally. Thanks again guys, I'll keep you posted, and let you know how it goes tomorrow. Thanks again, you've all been great.
Opinions on my plan are welcome and appreciated, but I am not expecting a whole lot of people to agree with me and my decision. :) But you know what, this is the first time I've actually felt happy and in control in a while.
I personally think is either option 1 or option 3.
If it doesn't work out, option 2 probably won't happen because it will be too awkward between the two of you, and also it'll drain you to be around her, preventing you from moving on.
You really should talk about the breakup. If you can't talk about it then it'll be hard for both of you to move on as friends. Get her to really be honest about the breakup so both of you can have a good friendship and hopefully have that friendship grow into something more. I agree with mulholland, be very careful about doing the whole close friendship thing, a lot of girls worry about ruining a friendship. Take it easy don't be too pushy, be there for her when she needs you, and really work on having a good conversation about the breakup. Good luck, oh yeah by the way thanks for the advice you gave me, I appreciate itQuote:
Originally Posted by jrsg
I'm having that talk tomorrow:)... we'll see how it goes. I was looking over the thread, and I was noticing how differently I was thinking at the beginning as compared to now. It's a little funny, anyway, I'm checking out now until tomorrow after school, and after 'the talk.' I'll let you know how it goes, or if it happens at all.
And thanks for your advice too, thinkinabouthim.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrsg
Definitely good luck with that talk, I'm sure it'll be fine
Okay, I come to you with disappointing news...
I didn't have the talk today. I couldn't figure out how to ask her to talk.
There was a moment where my friend who sits near me in English class (class before lunch) asked me what I am doing for lunch. I couldn't say something like "I want to talk to my ex about why we broke up," with my ex right beside me (she not knowing my intentions to talk to her that day). It was awkward for a moment, but I ended up going to lunch with my buds.
It was a fairly good day though, because she and I were close for the day, and we got along well. She laughs at my jokes, and seems happy to be around me.
But, I think I may be messing up, big time. You know how you said not to give her extra attention (I agree with that advice)... well, I think I may be doing just that.
My friends would bother me, in a way tease me that I had a girlfriend, it was all fun though. I haven't had a girlfriend for a while, so it was a surprise to some that I actually had a girlfriend. So, one of them said to me today, "are you just telling us you two broke up just so we won't tease you anymore?" At this moment, I realized not much has changed since the break up. We talk the same, act the same, its like we're still dating. We just aren't "affectionate" anymore, and I don't go out with her after school.
The relationship hasn't changed much, and we see each other for 4 hours a day.
So, three questions:
1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?
2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")
3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )
1. First of all, how do I treat the situation with attention giving?
Well since your in friendzone, be friendly, and focus on other things beside her as I know you see her as your best friend, but she isn't your only one. There may be a few who you haven't connected with in a while.
2. How do I ask her to talk? (What do I say, i.e "Could we talk at lunch today?")
Leave it for when your sure of what you want to say.
3. How do I ask her to give our relationship another try? (I couldn't figure out what I could say, I can't just say, "lets give it another try." I need something more intellectual... )
Take a week and think about it.
For crying out loud dude! Don't you realize that you are talking already and on the way to renewing the FRIENDSHIP? That was your initial plan, wasn't it. She does not avoid you and laughs at your jokes.
If you expect more, i.e an explanation or apology from her for breaking up or talking to John... FORGET IT!
Forget about 'that talk' altogether.
As for asking straight out to give the relationship more affection - hey, slow down, give her a chance to breathe and let her make the moves - no matter how long it takes. Accept that she does feel comfortable around you again and that you have the feeling of dating. The rest will come in due time if you handle it right.
Friendship means meeting half-way and having fun during the time together. You will jeopardize what you have now by pushing for more...
What do you mean by more 'intellectual'? You are a teen, doing teen things, and still learning how to cope with that. So, stop trying to be a professor or analyst. What you need is some simple MATURITY here and you are getting it from the best site on the net, but you are not listening - that's your choice.
So, do it your way and let us know the outcome... I already know how it will develop if you stay stubbornly on your way in a hurry.
Another thing - who cares what your buddies think about you and personal relationships? You should learn how to keep buddy time and possible girlfriend time in perspective and believe me, they are not the same and surely not subjects for 'group gossip'. Doing stuff like that is disrespectful to any girl you date now and in the future.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_19_1.gifAm I wasting my time here? If so, please let me know because I do have better things to do with the time I have left. I care, but hate bumping into walls.
I have my mind made up. You're right when you say I'm stubborn. I am. I think it is best that I have the talk, and sort things out.
And I don't think you are bumping into walls here, but if you feel that way, I'm sorry. And I don't think you are wasting time. You are giving advice, I'm taking it into consideration, and I am making a decision based on the advice I receive, as well as what I think of the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Okay, so I am back for more advice…
Here is the link for the last thread (relates to this one) – https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-219330.html
So, I decided to have 'the talk' with her against your advice. Again, sorry if that offended any of you, but I felt I had to do it. So we had the talk, and we learned a lot about the situation. She learned how I really felt about the situation with 'John'. I learned why she broke up with me. She is going to be gone for 4 weeks in the summer, and another 2 later on. She says she doesn't want to start a relationship with me when she is going to be gone for just about the entire summer break. Oh yeah, and another thing, 'John' is suicidal. One night, when I was with her, she figured out that he tried to kill himself. 'Johns' friend found him, and saved his life.
John has been in counseling for months before, but he recently stopped, and this is what happens.
Anyway, John basically told her that if she didn't go back to him, that he would kill himself. (If you knew this guy, you would know that it is not past him to do something like this.) So she is going to go back to him. She tells me that her plan is to be a b**ch to him so that he breaks up with her. We all talked to him in an intervention setting, but the guy won't go to counseling, or give up on this girl. So the plan, we think, is best. (She told me her plan from the beginning, and she rants to me, and I give her moral support.) I am still a good friend in her life, and I'm there for her when she need me, i.e with her suicidal ex. I am following the 'friend zone' advice here, and I think it is working.
I went into the talk ready to ask for her to come back to me, but after hearing this, I didn't. She has enough crap to deal with in her life, me saying I want her back would just make her life that much more confusing. What to do with this guy would be a good question for a physiological thread, but my question is what do I do here.
Should I ask her if there is any chance of us getting back together after this 'John' thing, and after she gets back from her vacation? Or do I just let it play out, and see what happens? Maybe ask her back after all this is over, if I still feel I want to?
Right now, I am leaning towards letting things play out, and see what happens. If I still love her when all this is over, then I will ask her to come back, if not, then I move on.
What are your opinions/ recommendations?
Sounds like you've got a plan. That's as honest and open-minded as anyone here can expect.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrsg
You sound level headed and are right on track with what YOU want to do. Like JB said, sounds like you've got a plan and that's awesome.
Just be ready for anything, jrsg.
-Sik
Thanks JB, and Sik.
So you guys think it is a good plan?
But it is a seriously screwed up situation for a person to be in... Part of me just laughs at it, how messed it is.
And I am ready for anything. I am ready to let her go, (but still keep her as a friend.) She seems like she still likes me, so I think it will be my decision. At the beginning of the break up, I was really broken inside... I wanted her back sooo badly. Now, I'm just thinking I don't need this. I am in grade 10, 16 years old. I am all for trying again, but if it doesn't work out, then life goes on.
Look, we could be TOTALLY honest and tell you the "drama" is ridiculous and you should move on. We're all thinking that. But we're pragmatic here. We know love doesn't rule all, but it does come into play. You care for her and are willing to wait this out. That's fair.
I don't know that I would counsel you to wait around, but your plan indicates your still open to anything else life might offer in the meantime. If that's true, then you're doing fine. Just REALLY stay open to other things.
I'd hate to ever learn you missed out on a couple of Mrs. Awesomes while pandering to this situation.
Very true, JB. Thanks
Okay, I was thinking (never good) and I am confuseddd... as always.
Anyway, I think she still likes me... Some examples: We danced and the last school dance, we are partners on a tech project, we still talk, etc. So do I let her know I still like her now, even with what is happening between her and 'John'? Remember that she is just going to go out with John, be a b**ch to him so he dumps her. She really doesn't want to go out with this guy (she says), she also doesn't want him to kill himself. I think we could get back together after this whole John thing, but I need some advice.
I know I have my plan, but I just want some outside opinions, and advice.
And give me something besides, "The drama is too much, let her go." Please. Thank you.
I am 16 years old, in high school.
It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with my girlfriend. We are all good now, and actually good friends. We only went out for two weeks, and didn't get too intimate, so we were able to go back to being friends pretty easily.
Anyway, something weird is happening. When we dated, we talked about a lot of things, including drug use. She had gone through a phase about a year ago where she smoked, abused alcohol, and did drugs. I had never done drugs, smoked, or got drunk. So, we made a deal that she would never do those things again, and I would never try them. Now that I we have broke up, she has actually told me to try these things. She said that "I should try getting high it at least once."
Today in class, I was talking to her. I was talking about how I went out to lunch with a few friends. They got high (marijuana), and I didn't. She asked me if I got high. I said no, as I didn't. She replied "why not, whats stopping you." I looked at her for a second (still confused) and laughed a bit and said "my will power."
So, what I am wondering here is why is she doing this? Why would she change her opinion on what I do so drastically? I could see if she said to me, "I don't care if you do drugs anymore." But she is going to the extreme opposite of her original opinion, and say I should do drugs.
This is sooo confusing, and some input would be very appreciated. Thanks, and thanks for all the help you guys have provided me with in the past.
***And don't worry, I'm not going to fall into peer pressure, and do drugs. BUT WHAT IS MY EX GIRLFRIEND DOING!?
This one's easy.
"Misery loves company."
-- John Ray
Your ex is doing things she knows she shouldn't. The more people she gets to do it, too, the less it feels wrong.
You're smarter than that. Leave her to her miserable friends.
She used to do drugs. She doesn't do drugs, nor does she want to do them. And the friends that get into drugs are my friends.
So, why does she encourage me to do drugs?
I think she is only telling you that she isn't doing them, but is anyway. And if she doesn't want to do them then she shouldn't be wanting you to do them like Jbeaucaire said misery loves company, and you should be proud of yourself for having the strong willpower to say no... stay away from her or at least let her know how you feel about the situation. There needs to be more teens like you in the world! :)
But I am positive that she doesn't do drugs. The crowd she hangs out with doesn't do drugs, and she doesn't have any druggie friends. She is a very church going, academic oriented girl. I am 100% positive that she doesn't do drugs.
I should point out that she doesn't beg me to do drugs, or anything like that. She tried to convince me to try it one time, and that was when another one of my friends was trying to make me do it. She joined in and asked me to do it. The only other time she brought it up is when I told her about my friends getting high at lunch. So only twice has she asked me to try drugs.
She isn't the type of person to try to get anyone into anything negative... But she tries to get me to do it. I think it has something to do with the pact we made while we were dating. Maybe she feels she was controlling? I don't know. What I do know is that she doesn't do drugs herself. So what else could it be?
Thanks, lol. :), there are someQuote:
Originally Posted by jjb4060
OK, if she was doing it, too, it would make more sense. If she is NOT, but encouraging you to do it, then churchgoer or not, what she did is FAR more sinister.
To entice others into bad situations you won't do yourself, that's borderline psychotic. The only thing worse would be to hear she would be there to watch your descent into badness... spectating.
I think there's a bad side to this churchgoing gal you'd be best to avoid.
Thy devils name is women!
I will definitely talk to her about it next time I see her. But I won't do drugs, its something I have decided, and stuck to. I'm going into my 3rd year of high school and still no drug use, so I am not going to start now. I am and always will be drug free.
I just hope she has a more sensible, normal, sane reason for encouraging me to do drugs.
Thanks for the advice guys, even though I didn't want to hear what I got. I think it may have opened my eyes a bit though.
Your ex is a loser who would want to do that its not cool!! It doesn't make you cool it doesn't make you popular sometimes if you have friends you got to walk away you know that is not good tell your ex it is a bad thing! Its horrible for you its makes you die your ex probebly is just going through hard times and just wants to get high people do this most of them teens but don't start doing this at the age of 16 ay age don't do it its ruins your body and turns you into something your not.
Hi Jay,
Ok... interesting situation here.
Maybe when you were dating, she thought of you as someone to rely on, and needed you as a positive influence to help shield her from her own urges. Now that you've broken up, she doesn't need to shelter you in order for you to shelter her.
... And I phrased that badly.
She no longer needs to be her rock, so no longer needs you to be pure. So she treats you as she would her other friends. Maybe she doesn't think trying drugs once will hurt you (although it can) and just wants you to have the experience... maybe she just doesn't care.
In my experience, anyone who tries to pressure you into trying these things just wants you to share the experience. There isn't necessarily a sinister motive, she might just be naively wanting you to experience what she's experienced. Not that it should be encouraged, but it doesn't necessarily make her a devil woman.
Though admittedly I've never met her. She might be.
All the best to you. I'm glad you're not going to give in to stupid pressures.
Kal
That's a good points, and you phrased it wonderfully.Quote:
Originally Posted by KalFour
And when I said, "Thy devils name is women", I was just joking. It's a little stressful, so I enjoy a little comic relief. :) She is a really nice girl, and I just want to get to the bottom of why she is asking this. I truly don't believe she has a sinister reason either.
I'm just confused as to why she changed her views on me and drugs so drastically. And she doesn't pressure anybody into doing drugs, its really just me.
I could understand if she just said she doesn't care if I do drugs or not, but for her to tell me to do them is soooo not her.
I know you are adamantly against it, but I must also mention that my first thought is that she was doing drugs. Why else would her views change so drastically..
It sounds like an overall bad situation for you in any case, I think you should stay away from this girl. It isn't someone you need in your life. I commend you on staying drug and alcohol free, but if that is really what you want, why do you want to be around people who are going to try to entice you otherwise??
Stay away from her, find some friends who will treat you like a friend.
This follows the "I want my ex back" series of questions that I've been posting on this forum.
First of all, to really know everything, please check out the following threads:
-https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-219330.html
-https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ck-224194.html
But, I will shorten the story to make this a little quicker. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this, and to offer their help to me.
A little background info first. I am 16, in grade 10 of high school. I met this girl and school, and over about 2 months, we got to know each other. She had a boyfriend. She dumped her boyfriend for me (she made the decision, I didn't even know she liked me this way at that moment). When I found out she was single, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes, and we had a great relationship. The relationsip lasted 2 weeks. One day, I was talking to her. She tells me that the day before, she went out with her ex boyfriend. He kissed her. She got mad, and told him to back off. I said it was okay, thanks for telling me. I let her know I was upset, but I can still trust her. She says to me and all her friends that she doesn't love her ex anymore. A day later, she broke up with me, saying that she didn't want to put me through all this drama. I agreed with the break up, and went along with it, although I really disagreed inside.
I asked for help on this forum, and I received all kinds of great help. One of the pieces of advice was to enter the, "friend zone." I wanted to talk to her, and I was in a rush. I ended up taking the advice, and just doing the "friend zone." I did have a talk with her about why she broke up with me, but I didn't ask to get back together at that point.
So, it is now 3 weeks later. I have been doing the "friend zone." She talks to me about everything. She talks about her ex. She tells me perosnal things. We have a really good relationship. I think the "friend zone" is working, but I'm never good a recognizing signs.
So, these are some of the reasons that lead me to believe that she still likes me. We talk. She danced with me at the last school dance. She asked to work on a tech project, I said yes. She pokes me in a flirty way sometimes. She had a spare period in school today (didn't have to be in her class), so she came over to my class. She was bored on Friday night, at a church event, so she called and we talked for about 20 minutes.
She also does other things that favor another idea, that she doesn't like me. We have not done anything outside of school together since the break up (I haven't asked, nor has she). We hang out at lunch sometimes, to work on the tech project, but not much work is usually done. We just hang out and talk a bit, so I sometimes think she is just trying to find an excuse to talk to me.
Thanks for all the great help and advice you guys have provided me with, but I need more.
So, it may just be wishful thinking, but does she like me once again?
2 weeks is a short time to tell you the truth and you are quite young as well. If it were me in your shoes I would probably go with the flow as of right now because from remembering my experience in high school, people are trying to figure themselves out right now. She is showing signs of flirting with you however the closer you get to her the better as she already knows you like her.
My judgement: Go with the flow.
Thanks for the advice.
When you say "the closer to her you get, the better," do you mean that I should try to spend more time with her? Should I ask to do something out of school, like we used to? I agree with you that I should 'go with the flow,' but should I try to take it further, or should I let her make the steps?
And are you sure she knows I still like her? I am a good actor, and I was pretending that I couldn't care less about our relationship after we broke up, even though I was dying inside every time I talked to her. And like you said, 2 weeks wasn't long, so maybe she think I've just brushed her off my shoulder. So, she may not know that I still like her. I don't think I should outright tell her I still like her, but is there a way to let her know I still like her implicitly?
Just keep it up. If it's going to happen, she has to come to YOU. And even then you have to play a little coy. "I don't want to risk our friendship...are you sure?"
The friend zone means you're in the game, just make sure you are a REAL friend. There is always the possibility she won't go for you again, and in that case you need to be OK, too.
I just want to have any relationship with this girl. The friendship we have now is great. I just want more. I know it sounds selfish, but its true. If she doesn't want to be in an intimate relationship with me, that's fine. We can stay friends.Quote:
Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
She is at least someone I can trust, and I am someone she can confide in still. I didn't have a friend I could do that with before. Some of the stuff she has told me has been shocking, but she comes to me for support which is great. So, to have her friendship means a lot to me. But, I still want a romantic relationship with this girl.
So are you guys saying I am doing all I can do?
And, I have to let her make the first move?
And my other question remains:
Is there anyway to make sure she knows that I still love her? That is without saying to her face, "I still love you."
Sure she likes you as a friend, but you want more, and who knows if she will change her mind. You do yourself a big disservice, though hanging out as a friend when you have a hidden agenda. Hopefully you'll see this for yourself and broaden your circle of friends and activities, and not focus so much on her, but into balancing your own life without her.
At this point any overture on your part for anything other than friendship, will push her away. The fact your always available as her friend, will surely keep you in the friend zone.
Good decision to stay drug free.
I won't speculate and assume what her motives are for telling you to try drugs once, nor should you assume either.
Just ask her what she mean't.
You know what Talaniman, that is not what I want to hear. However, I have to admit, it does sound more logical and realistic than my ideas.
Thanks for the advice.
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