Ask Me Help Desk - My Girlfriend of a year and a half.she wants a "break".

You know, this has shown me the person she REALLY is. She is now leaving messages on bebo to her friends about her ex-boyfriend (before me) and saying stuff like "when you phoned me the other night I was half concentrating on you and the other half looking and concentrating on him"...

I have told her it's over and moving on with my life. Thanks everybody for your great advice, especially Chuff who has woken me up. Can't wait for her to come running back so I can tell her exactly what I think of her.

Now she is putting pictures with her and her ex-boyfriend on her bebo that were taken lately.. I know I should be getting on with things but this is really, truly hurting me.

Its supposed to, now get off the bebo or whatever it is. She is no dummy she can't get you one way she can get you another.

But I haven't done anything to her.. why is she treating me like this? I expected to be treated like this by my worst enemey.. not the girl that said she loved me..

It's a thin line between love and hate. Without the dazzle of love in your eyes, you will see the ex as you never have before.

OK dude, u need get away from her altogether, get of bebo, forget about her. My friends been going with his girl friend for 1 year now.. and if the similar thing happened, I'd tell him to spread all the crap about her-secrets etc. that she doesn't want people to know. But if your like me.. then take it on the chin and say "ye well, its her loss at the end of the day. And, Im a way better person that she can ever be". :)

I would understand it if I had done something to her but I was still nice to her when she asked for a break...

I thought by avoiding her for 3 days in a row she would have text me by now to see if I was OK or to say sorry or something.. all she wants to do is hurt me more.

Then (sorry for the language) she's a cow. Ever wondered why she broke it off? You may have been to soft and she was playing you. You seem like a really nice person and, tp finish it off, I'd just speak to her. Ask her 1, What's your game 2, What's the point 3, Why you been a cow 4, I feel sorry for you.. you just lost the perosn who cared for you the most 5, Good bye!

Well I don't know if she knows that I've broke it off completely so should I send her a text or phone her just to say it's over completely?

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I would understand it if I had done something to her but I was still nice to her when she asked for a break...

Of course you don't understand, you're a nice guy with a not so nice ex, watch and see her true nature, and learn that females can be so sweet, but cross them and they will have you for lunch.

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

Well I don't know if she knows that I've broke it off completely so should I send her a text or phone her just to say it's over completely?

NO CONTACT:eek:

Yeah, you're right. So where from here?

No, give her a surprise visit instead, that'll spook her and tell her straigh, it'll show you have courage and if you stand up for yourself and stop communicating with her, I'm sure she might consider stop teasing you about it all. Good luck.;)

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

Yeah, you're right. So where from here?

Sky is the limit. Write your own plan and don't look back.:D You have nothing to prove to anyone.

Ok, well in the next month.. I'll have started a new college, have a new job, be starting to drive.. I'm sure I'll get over her. I just have to keep positive.

Yeeeee man, that's positive thinking :) You have (like me) so much more important stuff other than girls at the moment and you need ficus on them, then girls.

You're right and I'm surprising myself about how well I'm doing without her. Going on holidays next week with 4 or 5 of my friends, can't wait!

Grrr! My friend now sent her an email to tell her what he thinks of her...

He hasn't helped anything by doing this! Now she'll know that I've been badmouthing her to my friends..

I know that you don't want to hear this, but she is completely right. You both are so young, and the fact that you lasted more than a few weeks is huge. Its so hard to stay together with someone for that long, no matter how old you are and at your age, its so much harder. Just because you don't want a break doesn't mean that she shouldn't. You are most likely her first real boyfriend, and she wants to know who else is out there. This is completely natural and expected.

You have two options here. Either you say no, or you let her do what she wants. If you say no to her request, there is no chance you two will last. If she wants this enough to bring it up twice, its only a matter of time until she doesn't want a break -- she will want a breakup. Or, she might not break up with you, but instead turn to cheating. If you decide to take a little break, your chances of staying together are a thousand times better. She will either realize that there is no one else that she likes more, or she will find someone better. But letting her take a break is the only way you have a chance of ever staying with her for much longer.

Try not to be too hurt by this. The only way you will be able to stop thinking about her is to remove her name from your phone, move all pictures, and hide everything that has to do with her and just stop yourself from talking to her until she is ready. Buy a diary and every time you want to talk to her, write in the diary instead as if you are talking to her. If she does decide to go back with you, you can even give it to her to read. If you do this, she will realize that you respect her enough to leave her alone for a while.

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

Now, she wants a break to see what she's missing.. I don't care what any of you say, she DOES care about me. She sees me every day and she has got so used to us being together that she is now taking me for granted. She didn't dump me, because when I told her we're better off breaking up completely, she didn't want to.. she says that we'll be better than ever when we're both ready (I also told her that I was taking her for granted too)...

I did that once. I dumped a guy I HATED, but he was so attached to me. It was for another guy, who I am happily dating right now for over a year and a half. I told him that I still loved him, but being in college was too hard with him and I wanted to look elsewhere for a while. I called him every night, I saw him as often as possible, we still went out to dinner and everything. Why did I do that? BECAUSE HE WAS OBSESSED WITH ME - JUST AS OBSESSED AS YOU! If I didn't think he would go insane without me, I would have dumped him and never looked back. I pitied him, so I wasted months of my life pretending to not hate him just so that he wouldn't freak out. And even though I slowly started breaking it off, when I gave him the news he tried to kill himself. The more obsessed you are, the more likely she is to keep you around just so you don't try something stupid. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't accept you not replying to anything she says. She would say something along the lines of "Hey, we aren't broken up, please reply to me if you still love me."

No, I'm not obsessed with her. If anything, it was her who was the clingy one. She rung me all the time.. I wasn't clingy at all!

Yeah, you weren't the least bit clingy. She wanted a break, you refused because you couldn't share her. Shew wanted a break again, and you kept telling her that she was your everything. You were totally ready for the break because you were barely attached.

I know your side of things, but I also know her side of things. I dated a guy just like you, and did the same thing to that guy. We were just a few years older, and it lasted a lot longer. I know what its like on both sides, and it sucks for her too.

Neither of you are doing anything right. You both are playing the dumb teen games that everyone hates so much. You need to just tell her its over, and never talk to her again. Don't avoid it like you have been, and tell her to get over the games too.

I'm not saying I wasn't attached but she was always worrying that she was too clingy with me with some of the stuff she said.

I haven't avoided it, read up.. I have ended it. She can play all the games she wants, I'll pretend it doesn't bother me and not play any games with her.

I have been reading. You said that you wouldn't reply to her text messages, and avoid her calls. This is all to get her to realize how much she wants you. If you were avoiding all them because it hurt you too much to talk to her, that wouldn't be a game. But it is all a game because you were doing something that you hoped would get you what you want in the long run. That is in fact a game. Its one thing to put on a show to the world because if you didn't you couldn't do well at work or school, and its another to put on a happy face to the person you love in order to manipulate them. If you want to be mature about it, just tell her how much it hurts, but you realize that its for the best and you will try to move on. Don't avoid her, don't pretend that you are completely fine.

In relationships, the person who worries that they are too clingy are usually not the ones who are too clingy. Long psychological thing that I don't want to get into right now. Long story short, a lot of times they think that because the relationship is too clingy, they take on the fault in order to bring up the issue, even though it isn't their fault. And look at how clingy she is. She's the one that dumped you. For other guys. Not even just one. She was barely attached.

I have told her how much it's hurting me.. I've been mature about it, I've said all I can say. Now it's time to go silent.

Dazza yourve told her enough. NOw go silent. Do Nothing if she returns to your life good for you. If she texts you who cares , yourve gone silent DO NOT ANSWER show sme balls save some dignity. She will MISS you and come backl she told you this. So make her miss you she will she's young, she will miss you when she thinks your gone. So what are you gomnimg to do??

I hope your gone!! Don't buckle as soon as she calls this does not mean she wants you back this means I hop you still on my leash... No contct no answering make her beg!!

I agree with Mac, except for the beg thing. Your not doing this to get her back, because honestly after most people who get dumped, and get healthy, and get over it, they move on to better things. The ones who have gone back soon realise that things have changed, and move on. The whole thing is to get healthy enough to see what the real deal is, and know what you want, when your not blind and confused by your own emotions.

I've gone silent. I don't want her back after what she's done.. if she rung me tonight asking me back I would tell her where to go.

I'm better off without her.

Ok well I don't want to seem like I am being harsh but she's right she is only 15 and your only 16. A year and a half at that age is pretty good id half to say so. When someone says go on a break we can see other people for a while well that normally means I'm dumping you I don't plan on getting back together. Sorry for making it sound so blunt but don't keep your hope up to high cause it could be a while before you get back together, when I got told that I was in grade 10 its been about 6 years and I'm still waiting for him to come back. Your still young have fun, there are plenty of girls out there. Oh you and text her call her it will make you feel a lot better if your still friends. Don't just message her believe me we get mad when guys never call and than expect us to talk to them on the computer. I hope it all works out for you in the end but remember have fun while you still can.

Also dazza begging is not a healthy relationship. If you go silent and she chooses to come back to your life you can handle it from there. Your young so this isn't the one. When I was 17 I thoughti had the one as well hahahha wasn't the case...

You will find many more...

Ok, have went silent since Tuesday. She has text me before she goes on holiday tomorrow saying "im jus textin 2 say sorri. im about to go to bed, i hope u av a good time when ur away"... Should I reply to her message, she is going on holiday..

NO REPLY. You are on no contact. No contact means no contact regardless of who initiated the contact.

Just wondering... did you tell her that you don't want to hear from her? Because if you did, then she is probably just texting you knowing she won't get a reply. But if you didn't let her know that you aren't going to go out of your way to talk to her, it would be rude not to reply. If you are planning on ignoring someone, the best way to go about it is to say "I don't want to be mean, but I don't want any communication besides a quick hello where we might see each other." But if you already said something along those lines, those might be her final words about the relationship.

No, she told me she didn't want to speak to me or see me again because she wants to get over me. I have a big feeling that she'll come back to me in about a months time as she said she needs to see what she's missing.

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

Ok, have went silent since Tuesday. She has text me before she goes on holiday tomorrow saying "im jus textin 2 say sorri. im about to go to bed, i hope u av a good time when ur away"... Should I reply to her message, she is going on holiday..

No you should not. In fact her going on vacation is the best thing that can happen to you right now. It will give you an opportunity to focus on yourself and do some things that you want to do.

You're right.. I'm concentrating on me this week. I'm going for a wee break myself from Wednesday to Sunday.. I'm getting my exam results tomorrow.. so it's going to be an exciting week for me which means I won't think about her as much.

Ok, so she's back from her holidays and I'm back from mine...

I had a great time, met other women, didn't think about my ex very much. Strange thing that happened is, my ex rung me on her last night of holidays. She spoke away to me like nothing had happened, and I thought I should just talk to her like she was one of my friends.

What does this mean? Why did she ring me on her last night of her holidays after she told me she didn't want to speak to me again?

Did I do the right thing in just talking to her like I would talk to my friend?

First of all, you met other girls. Not women.

You didn't do the wrong thing, but you didn't do the best thing either. I wouldn't worry much if I were you.

What you should have done when she called like nothing happened is not to start a friendly conversation. When you answered, you should have asked if anything was wrong, and when she said no you should have asked why she is calling you. Tell her that it was a GOOD idea to cut off contact, and remind her that she said that she never wanted to talk to you again. Don't be rude or cocky, but just explain that she is confusing you by telling you one thing and then going back on what she said and doing something completely different. Then when that is all settled, tell her that because this happened so recently, you don't know how to handle the situation and you think it would be best if neither party tried to make contact with each other. A wave as you pass each other down the hall is one thing, calling because there was an emergency and she needs help is one thing, calling to chat is another. When that part of the conversation is done with, tell her that you need to go because you are busy.

This was a pretty messy breakup, so it might take months to years until you really talk much again. Until then, just focus on getting yourself back to normal and maybe picking up a few hobbies to help you in school or in work.

I know you can't go back in time to change it, but this is what you should do from now on. First, don't call her or make any contact with her. If she doesn't ever make contact with you again, let it rest. If she does, then you should have a conversation similar to the one I described above. Just try to be as nice as possible. We don't know if she is doing this to drag you along, or if she is doing this because she loves you still, or because she feels obligated to make a few calls.

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

Did I do the right thing in just talking to her like I would talk to my friend?

Yes. Fine. But still leave alone for now.

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Originally Posted by DazzaB

No, she told me she didn't want to speak to me or see me again because she wants to get over me. I have a big feeling that she'll come back to me in about a months time as she said she needs to see what she's missing.

So why are we having this conversation?
She told you she does not want to be with you. She told you that twice. What are you not getting?
So then wait a month if she comes back and you still want her, good for you, if she doesn't, then there you go. But in the meantime leave her alone.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what the problem is with you guys. Are you just not used to being told No! Do you just not know how to except the fact that someone may not want to be with you?
I don't want to see means I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.