Ask Me Help Desk - 11 years old: but not clueless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Dating does not automatically equal sex in my mind. But dating does imply a romantic relationship that younger people are not prepared to understand or handle.

ScottGem, I agree with your posts most of the time and I totally agree that children should not be dating in the way you use the word dating. But that's not what is at issue. I think it's clear that dating implies different things to different people. For example, a first date for an older person may not feel romantic at all. It's just meeting someone to see what they are like. We still call it "dating." Obviously, if you like someone, adults expect the relationship to progress to physical and emotional expressions of intimacy, including kind words, hand holding and kissing, possibly more. But posts to this site show that that doesn't always happen even among adults, so people ask things like, "Why hasn't he kissed me after 20 dates?" A lot of dating is not very romantic! So I don't see any point in quibbling over the definition of "date."

A kid's view of dating may not be what you or I would usually consider dating. But instead of dismissing their usage, I think it makes sense to address the question with the new knowledge of what the question might have actually meant.

Quote:

What seems to be happening nowadays is kids want to emulate what they see in the movies and on TV. They see people having these romantic relationships and enjoying them so they wonder why should adults have all the fun. But what happens is they really play at dating. They try to emulate what they see without the background and understanding of it. They jump around "dating" one person for a week or two and it becomes meaningless. Also it ill prepares them for when they get older and dating becomes more meaningful.

Actually, I've read the opposite, that kids who date a lot in high school form better relationships as adults than kids who never date. (And dating does not imply sex.) Playing at things is how we learn. Emulating what they see is what kids do (and other juvenile primates too). (I happen to think it's worth changing what we all see, but that's another issue.)

I think the obsession with whether a teen has EVER had sex, instead of whether their relationships are healthy is distracting people from what's important. Two-thirds of 9th-12th graders are not sexually active at any given time and 52% of them have never had sex even once. It's just not true that every 16 year old is trying to get another teen or child in bed. It bothers me when people talk like that, as if all teens were sexual predators. Some are eager, or feel they are supposed to be eager, and then there are fumbling experiments, but most teens are doing their homework, hanging out with siblings and friends, playing sports and other games, making music, etc.

http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs...iors_trend.pdf

Off my soapbox now... :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Your are right most 16 year old boys hormones are way out of control and most likely they're two different levels. You should hear how some 9 year olds talk, it's disgusting. Most of the people that came in the clinic I worked was teens misinform about sex because the parents never discuss it so they listened to their friends. I would not trust a 16 year old with my 11 year old and futhermore I'll not let her date at that age. Me and my child father agree to that.

I think that "most" 16 year old boys' hormones "are way out of control" is an exaggeration. At a clinic, you are seeing the kids who have gone off track because of poor relationships at home and have made at least one poor decision and are paying for it. Teens at a clinic are not representative of all teens. And it normalizes unhealthy behavior to keep saying that's normal or to be expected. I know a lot of teen age boys too, and they are not out of control. They are nice people who happen to be young. I expect them to grow up to be nice men. I don't want them to keep hearing that all 16 and 17 year old boys are sexual predators and think there's something wrong with them because they are not. I know a lot of them are virgins, some not, but even if they've had sex once or even a few times, it doesn't mean that they pressured anyone, of whatever age.

Asking, you'r entitle to your own views like everyone else. Most of the teens that came into the clinics were from good backgrounds and not due to poor relationships with their parents. Everyone has two sides, the one you see and don't see. Some situations I don't kids should be put in. For example:my fiancée niece is allowed to date at 13 and the boy is allowed in the house. He seem nice, well-manner, mature and everything. Well that all went out the window when the parents caught him sucking on their child breasts. Always the child might not engage sex but it sometimes be some form of sexual actitives. The poster already have permission to date this guy but asked everyone else opinon on it so wrong that people gave their opinons and no matter what anyone say my opinon will stay the same.

Asking, A date and dating are different things. Going on a first date is one thing, but "dating" implies a relationship.

Yes there is a big problem in how different people view these terms as I just illustrated. Yes high schoolers going on dates with different partners is healthy, but high schoolers implies at least 14-15 yrs of age. Not 11 and 12.

Have you even hit puberty yet?? You shouldn't even be dating let alone dating a 16 year old. Yes, you say that the issue of sex hasn't come up, but when do you think it will? Because oh yes my dear it will. I am guessing that it will come up within a year or two, when he is 18 and you are 13. Then guess what? By that time you will have hit puberty and make you more susceptible of getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong at any age young men want to have sex. But you are just asking for trouble when you date someone older than you. My whole thing is that I do not think that you should be dating at all.

Why are your parents OK with this?? I have a daughter and I tell you what I would have a huge problem with your situation. I am not the type of person that says do what I say because I said so. I am the type that says do what I say because I did it myself. At eleven I wasn't even thinking about boys. I was concentrating on school and friends. I didn't have sex until I was eighteen. My mantra was, when I am old enough to lay down with someone I should be old enough to take care of a kid. And you my dear are just a kid yourself.

You may disagree with me and swear up and down that it is not about sex, but it is. That's generally what happens when you date or have a relationship with someone.

What do you have in common with sixteen year old anyway? He's probably driving and preparing for college and you probably just stopped playing with dolls. And if you were as mature as you think you are you would know that this is not the best situation.

Good luck

I'm 14 years old so don't think I'm old fashioned. I'm not going to tell you don't date him because I don't know him so I can't judge if he's worth it or not but I think I must tell you >>don't make him your everything.<<

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Originally Posted by fjsmith81

Have you even hit puberty yet??? You shouldn't even be dating let alone dating a 16 year old. Yes, you say that the issue of sex hasn't come up, but when do you think it will? Because oh yes my dear it will. I am guessing that it will come up within a year or two, when he is 18 and you are 13. Then guess what? By that time you will have hit puberty and make you more susceptible of getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong at any age young men want to have sex. But you are just asking for trouble when you date someone older than you. My whole thing is that I do not think that you should be dating at all.

Why are your parents ok with this???? I have a daughter and I tell you what I would have a huge problem with your situation. I am not the type of person that says do what I say because I said so. I am the type that says do what I say because I did it myself. At eleven I wasn't even thinking about boys. I was concentrating on school and friends. I didn't have sex until I was eighteen. My mantra was, when I am old enough to lay down with someone I should be old enough to take care of a kid. And you my dear are just a kid yourself.

You may disagree with me and swear up and down that it is not about sex, but it is. That's generally what happens when you date or have a relationship with someone.

What do you have in common with sixteen year old anyway? He's probably driving and preparing for college and you probably just stopped playing with dolls. And if you were as mature as you think you are you would know that this is not the best situation.

Good luck

I totally agree with you fjsmith81. I don't want to offend anyone, but I too have a problem with young dating. I'm 17 yrs old and have never had a boyfriend. Not because I don't want one, but because I don't think I'm ready. My plan is to wait until I'm ready for commitment before entering into a relationship. I know that's not for everyone, but that's what I've decide to do. It seems absurd to me that your parent's are OK with this. You may not think that the age difference is a big deal... but trust me. It will become a big deal VERY fast...

Quote:

Originally Posted by fjsmith81

Have you even hit puberty yet???

Actually there is a good chance that she has. Puberty for girls is triggered by body weight. With the abundance that is to be had in most industrialized countries, girls are starting their menstrual cycles earlier and earlier. While not common, it's not unheard of for 9 or 10 year olds to start having their period. 11 years old is an appropriate age (biologically speaking) at this point in history for girls to begin experiencing romantic interest.

:( I'm dead set against it. A 16 year old boy has no business dating an 11 year old. By 16 boys are into more things not to mention their peers are as well. Teens need to stick w/ teens. Sorry if my answer is not so popular... to you.

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Originally Posted by OneSG191

I'm 17 yrs old and have never had a boyfriend. Not because I don't want one, but because I don't think I'm ready. My plan is to wait until I'm ready for commitment before entering into a relationship.

While this may be right for you, I don't agree with it as a norm. I've voiced my opinion on when to start dating, but I don't believe one can know when they are ready for a commitment if they have no experience with dating. One of the main purposes of dating is to get that experience.

I believe that most pre-teens are not emotionally ready such relationships, but as they get into their mid and later teens they need to start interacting in such situations.

16 and 11!
I am 16, and the youngest I have dated ever was a 14 year old, and that was when I was 14. My last girlfriend was 15 (a year difference). But 16 and 11! That is completely different. Again, I am 16, and I can admit I know Absolutely NOTHING about relationships. Sure, I know how take a girl out, and how to kiss, but nothing about a relationship. I mean, okay. Relate to her, support her, care for her, protect her, do anything you can to help her, I know that stuff. But that is just the beginning. I know hardly anything about relationships.

Let me ask you, where did you learn all you know? Your years of expirience? I doubt it. You learned it from T.V, movies, and music, right? That is not love, nor is it anything close to a relationship.

And, I do not think an 11 year old should be dating a 16 year old. If you must date at such a young age, date another 11 year old. Maybe 12. That's it. But I don't even think 11 year olds should be dating anyway.

Please note that the OP has not logged on since she started this thread. Which means she hasn't read any of our responses so I'm closing this thread.